Cell Phone Independence

Late yesterday afternoon, I was running around the house multitasking.

I was trying to get my daycare family outside, to play out the remainder of the day. A half hour before I expected my day to end, a potential new daycare family was going to drop by to meet/interview me. The minute they left, I needed to run out the door to go do payroll for my bookkeeping job.

I ate supper at our snack time. I brushed my teeth and tried tending to all my needs before we went outside for the duration of the day.

My cell phone was tucked into my back pocket so I didn't forget it. In the second it took for me to realize going to the bathroom at 4:00 was not going to save me time because I would surely go again before I left the house at 6:00, it was too late.

My cell phone went for a swim in some "slightly used" toilet water (and I am not talking about cologne here).

Plop!

"OH NO!!"

Then I realized the state of the water its took a nose dive, so I actually rinsed my phone off in clear running water.

"WHAT ARE YOU THINKING?!?!!" my brain yelled to the part of myself that was running on autopilot.

The next thing I knew, I was running to the rice container and burying my phone. Then I went outside and tended to my kids before I peeked my head in the door and asked my son to google what to do if you immerse your cell phone in water.

He took all the necessary precautions and I am pretty sure my phone may survive this near tragedy. But as I near the 24 hour mark of its rice bath, I am wondering if that is a good thing.

I have been hyper aware of my surroundings today. I cannot begin to count the moments where I simply sat still and listened/watched my day in progress. I was attentive to my day, my surroundings, the small wonders, the banter and my thoughts were so blissful.

I was not in hyper planning mode. I was in a "stop and enjoy the cell phone silence" mode. It was heavenly. It is heavenly.

Do you know the saddest part of this revelation?

The minute I felt my inner peace being restored, I wanted to blog about it. Or email someone. Or text my friend. Or talk on the phone.

I stopped myself in my tracks.

"ENJOY!!" is what my subconscious brain told my conscious self.

And I have.

That didn't prevent a splinter related accident as the kids played right outside the kitchen door as I tidied up our lunch. But it did wonders for my coping strategies.

I have been calm, cool and collected all day.

Without the distractions my cell phone provides me, I like "me" better.

I think the next time my phone goes for a swim, I should think twice. Maybe I should flush...

A Distracted Day

Well, that was a day I hope never to repeat. It was a day of "distracted babysitting".

Our weather has gone weird. It was a hot, "summer" day (+20°C), yet there is still snow on the ground. 

I had no idea what to do with my little people as the weather tried to decide on what season it would be. I (foolishly) thought "They have been outside in the morning and afternoon for weeks now, surely to goodness we can spend the morning inside..."

That was perhaps the last (in)sane thought I had.

I rotated toys. I brought up a HUGE box of boxes and containers with lids for them to do with, as they pleased. I rotated more toys. I brought out the LeapPad, the iPad and the McDonald Happy Meal boxes I had folded up and saved for another day...

Them: "What do we do with these [the boxes], Colleen?" 

Me: "Whatever your imagination tells you to do..."

There was bickering and nattering and non-stop talking, doing and needing.

I sat at the computer desk puttering away at a menial, no-brainer type of task. I thought I could do that and watch over my little people at the same time.

I was wrong. I was soooo wrong!

We made it to lunch time. It felt like everyone was soooo needy yesterday (perhaps I was the needy one, as I desperately tried to finish the task I had started). 

We made it to and through quiet time and I thought that would reset and reboot the day. It always does.

Not yesterday.

My "new guy" arrived and stirred a pot which was already stirred, shaken and pureed to oblivion. I was depleted. And this guy cried. And cried. And cried. He cried if I held him. He cried if I didn't. He just cried...

I wanted to cry too. I really did.

But I didn't. I held on and got through the day.

We went outside and the season of discontentment continued. The kids wandered around acting like they had already done, been and conquered all there was to do outside. And it is not even the end of April!!!

Oh. My. Gosh.

We endured. That is about all I can say.

I must go to my bookkeeping job tonight. I must work again this weekend. I have filled the last few weekends with puttering around the house and I tried to putter a little bit throughout the day yesterday and disaster ensued. 

"This" is why I have been getting nothing done around here. 

Maybe it isn't an excuse after all. "This" is my reality. 

Here is to hoping my coping skills return today. Time to shut off my distractions and tune into my day. 

Things are always better when you focus on the moment you are in. And that is exactly what I intend to do.

Thank You, Road Crews Everywhere!

I like when life hands you an unexpected lesson out of the blue. I received one of those gifts yesterday.

Our snowfall from two days ago was still quite evident yesterday.

Sunday morning

Monday morning

Monday morning

It was gorgeous outside yesterday afternoon and I needed to get my little daycare family out but had no idea what we could do. It was hot and melting. You needed snow gear on your bottom half and a T-shirt for your top half.

Bringing bikes out, onto the driveway was our best option except the snow was still not melted. I had no intention on shovelling that snow again - I had planned on letting Mother Nature take care of that last blast of snow! 

They couldn't drive on top of it - it was too water laden and unfortunately there was still too much snow.

Monday afternoon

I shovelled around the perimeter so they could ride around the snow but that was too restrictive and they were still getting stuck so I started whittling away at shovelling the snow which was in the middle of their raceway. 

It took forever and I had some very impatient and uncourteous drivers as I toiled away at the task. "Col ee ee ee ee n! You are in the way!!" "Col ee ee ee ee n! You are going too slow!" 

Drivers abandoned their bikes on the road, leaving the snow removal crew to clear the road of vehicles and clear the road. 

I certainly gained some respect for road crews everywhere. They are working to make our roads better and safer, yet as the person travelling the road, how many times have I thought the same thoughts as the kids "You are in my way and going too slow!"?

We are heading into the summer season of road construction and before long traffic delays, lane closures and speed restrictions will be in full force. Drivers everywhere will be thinking much the same as my little bike drivers yesterday.

Our road crews are working to make our roads safer, wider, fixing pot holes, building bridges and double lanes. They work all summer so we can have our roads in the best shape possible for our inevitable long, cold, icy winters.

Slow down, be grateful, smile and wave at those who are working so hard to keep us safe and moving efficiently.

How would you feel, if you were the one working tirelessly repairing, rebuilding and rerouting those roads and people were driving around you, thinking of nothing but their own immediate needs as they are running late and frustrated due to delays?

Leave a little extra time as you make your way through the summer. You may run across a road crew making your roads better for another day.

The Change Within

Sometimes the greatest changes take place without a single soul noticing a change in outward appearances.

I worked, along with my Youngest Son, all weekend cleaning up computer files, trading beds, turning two bedrooms upside down and inside out all weekend. 

I wish I would have taken "before" pictures because other than trading a double bed for a single one in one room and shuffling the rest of the furniture about, there isn't a drastic change to room number one. 

Here is "the middle" of the transformation:

Here is "the end". I suppose there is an outward difference within this room. It has morphed from spare room, daycare, book writing and book collecting to mainly my new "office" space.

Room #2 looked bad, really bad in the middle of the transformation.

But the end result was looking exactly the same way as it did when it started.

The difference lies within. 

I have shuffled, organized, decluttered, vacuumed and washed down underneath all that does not show. 

My son aided and abetted me as we cleaned up, dejunked, deleted, moved and sorted computer files. Nothing looks different when you glance over at the computer desk (except perhaps the computer desktop itself. My son has deleted all excess and it looks as neat as a pin).

We worked all weekend and then raced to put things back together so I could open my doors and let small children enter our world this morning.

Nothing looks different.

But I feel lighter. I feel different. The weight I expected to lift after I completed my family book project is finally lightening. 

That weight had little to do with the book and everything to do with all of the excesses in our world adding up without discarding anything along the way.

I don't look any different on the outside after these little bouts of decluttering. But I am feeling oh so much better. 

I have a long way yet to go and the moment I finish, I could probably start over and do it all over again. That is how much excess has accumulated. 

Life is like that. 

The "real work" to become who you are and who you are meant to be happens inside. You can make a complete metamorphosis and no one from the outside, looking in can see the difference. Until they take the time to "open up those cupboard doors" and take a peek inside. 

Don't judge from outside appearances. You never know what is going on inside those doors you have not yet opened.

More Digging Out

It is another Sunday of "digging myself out". In more ways than one. 

This is the little gift our fair city received yesterday:

I am not in the mood to "unwrap" it. I am too busy inside, digging myself out from under the excess of computer files, collection of papers, notes and "what I deemed important" once upon a time, as well as a bedroom full of daycare supplies and equipment to reorganize.

I have too much of a mess underfoot to linger here for long but since I had all but abandoned the idea of having to deal with this white stuff for another six to seven months, I had to stop and whine for a moment. I'll get over it. Just as soon as it melts.

Two Weeks

It has been two weeks, less a day since we laid our Senior Cat to rest. Two weeks...

I feel guilty for having a heart that healed so quickly.

I still have flashes of where I used to find our senior kitty waiting for me each and every morning. However the reminders of his twice-a-day medication are slipping by.

I love that an extreme close up of his adorable smiling kitty face flashes before me each and every time my cell phone comes to life. The ache in my heart from not seeing that loving little creature in the flesh is starting to wane.

I am so grateful we have our Back Up Cat to help fill the void. I doubt I will ever stop contrasting and comparing who he is, in comparison to who we lost. At the same time, I am wondering when and if we should think about adding a new Junior Pet into our family.

I walked around "the week after" with a quiet emptiness. It was a sad place but at the same time, it was such an honor to hold onto that ache because it kept my memories and feelings close to my heart.

Life has taken over this week and carried on.

I still miss our little black cat but I know his time on earth was so uncomfortable it was time to let him go.

I miss mourning him. That sad, soulful feeling and the quiet ache in my heart filled the void he left.

We will forever remember you, Andre. I miss missing you so much.

Little things are what I remember the most. "This" is the reason we invested in a cat fountain for our two black cats. Their love of running water is just one of many memories which I hope never die.

Parenting - Learning as I Go

I think I should have had more children. I have been at this job almost 37 years and I think I may just be starting to get the hang of it.

To "oldest children" everywhere, can I please just apologize?

Maybe I am just speaking for myself but sometimes I hear a bit of the same as I listen to other parents. We really have no idea what we are in for, when we become a parent.

Add one dose of high expectations to another generous dose of reality, apply generously while raising a unique human being and add an unknown quantity of stressors to the equation and what that equals is: "learning as you go".

Little of what you learned will apply to subsequent children. They will react to the same stimuli in completely and totally unexpected ways. The main thing I learned was to pick my battles. I knew I could not win them all, so I fought over what I deemed important and turned a blind eye to minor infractions.

This lesson I had learned did not go over well with my oldest sibling. He remembered very well, the lessons I had attempted to teach him. He saw his younger brother getting away with stuff he couldn't and there was a feeling of injustice born inside of him.

Perhaps there is an advantage to having your children close together. A two year old isn't scrutinizing your parenting skills and comparing and contrasting them to what they once knew. However, an eighteen year old, watching his nine year old brother get away with things he was never allowed to do, remembers.

I made many mistakes along the way. I know you are not supposed to think of them as "mistakes". But they were. I did have many, many moments I wish I could rewind the tape and do it better. Unfortunately, I wasn't a fast learner. I kept repeating the errors of my ways. I had not yet learned the lesson (aka: definition of insanity) "doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results" (words of wisdom by Albert Einstein).

Enter my third child.

He was born to a mother who had finally learned a little from what had went awry in her prior two "experiments".

When my oldest two children entered their teen years, I really veered off the course of model parenthood. I was barely surviving this parent-of-a-teen gig. I was learning on the fly and I wasn't learning much.

I merely reacted to the challenges of raising a teen. I did not have one proactive trick up my sleeve.

My youngest child has been a model child. I wish I had had him first. But if I had, I don't think he would be who he is. I think his character is one part me, another part his dad, blended evenly, mixed up into a human body and raised by a mom who had learned a few things the way.

I knew it could not last forever but I still wasn't expecting it when it happened.

My model student and even tempered sixteen year old child "crashed".

I typed that sentence and walked away. As I took some time and space from that statement I wondered if that was the reason I reacted differently this time. Because there was such a stark difference between who he was and who he is.

Maybe I am not so wise after all. Maybe it isn't "lessons learned" that helped me be a better parent. Maybe it is simply a different child, different circumstances, such a stark contrast and (also) a different me.

I am not certain if we have walked through the other end of this tunnel yet but I see sunlight.

He came home from school yesterday and smiled. Sure enough, who couldn't smile when three small children spotted him a half block away from home and started greeting him well before he walked up our driveway? They were akin to three very well behaved puppy dogs who were simply happy to see him and not afraid to show it.

The difference showed itself when he chose to stay and spend time with us. He hasn't had the desire or energy to do that for a very long time.

The difference (I think) is because I stepped up to the plate and acted as his advocate when he had no idea which way to turn.

With his permission, I talked with professionals who had the tools and education to guide him through a dark and anxious time.

He was willing to accept all I had to offer, which was the ability to pick up the phone to call and ask for help.

I didn't have his answers. He didn't know his answers. He needed someone to guide his choices to help him past, through and beyond this point.

As a parent, you just don't know it all. Ever.

Sometimes behaviours mask the underlying issues at hand. Now that I have stepped 20 years and 11 years beyond where my older children were at this very same point, I can see their behaviour was masking a cry for help.

They needed me and I was so busy dealing with the offending behaviours, I didn't truly see what they were battling.

There is a world of people out there dealing with hard things. It is so hard to see beyond the exterior people present to the world. We wear so very many masks. Unfortunately, teenagers quite often mask their confusion, pain and anxiety with actions which distract us from the underlying cause.

Just when I think I have this parenthood thing figured out, someone will go and change the "rules". Thankfully, I get to renew my skills on a daily basis as an up and coming generation continues to test my knowledge and help me grow.