Saturday, August 10, 2024

I Am Here


This is it. I am here. I am present, quiet and savoring the moment (and my second cup of coffee).

I have spent the past half hour re-reading my posts from the past five months. I'm glad I documented some of my journey to get from there to here. It feels so very good to be sitting in this moment. Here. Today. 

Life is shifting into a new normal. It is early days so there is much tweaking to be done. Over the course of time, slipping into survival mode triggered a lot of coping mechanisms which became habits. It has been two weeks. I will not chastise myself too much yet. But coming home, finding food, collapsing onto the couch and staying awake only long enough to chew, swallow, brush my teeth and crawl into my pj's cannot become my new life.

The pressures of full-time daycaring shifted into a time of finding myself in the presence of seniors in declining health. Snuggling up on the couch in my pajamas, with chips and pop at my side became my reward for getting through the day. I often said (unfortunately it is still true today), "If I'm not chewing, talking or moving I am asleep". 

Getting through the week has felt familiarly draining. New jobs. Being "on" ALL day, every day. Adjusting to dressing for work, leaving the house and adhering to a full time work schedule has taken a new kind of energy.

I've done it. I'm doing it. But I continue to look forward to my weekends in a manner that reminds me of a teenager who lives for Friday. 

Here I am. Savoring my Saturday morning coffee. Inhaling the morning. Mapping out a plan for the next two days. Aaaah.

We are ten days into August and if I hadn't splurged on two getaway weekends and repairing a washing machine, I could happily say "I haven't spent a penny!!". 

My car hasn't moved for thirteen days. I haven't needed to fortify my groceries for thirteen days. I have been tempted to run to the city to splurge on storage solutions but tempered that thought with a wait-and-see approach for now.

The urge to spend money is next to nil. The desire to immerse myself into nesting is all encompassing. I have little energy to expend outside this little piece of property. The desire for connection is strong.

It will come. One day at a time. 

March 23rd

August 10th

Little touches here and there are turning this generic little cabin into a home.

Sunday, July 28, 2024

This is It

My last day living life-as-I-know-it has arrived. July 15th marked the 30 year anniversary of living in this home. January 1st, thirty six years ago we moved to this province. This city.

I moved here with my 9 year old and 4 month old children. They grew up, moved out and moved on. I gained a third child. She grew up, stayed home and I'm moving on. 

June 13, 2023 I wrote this:

"After much consideration, I have decided to retire and I am writing to tender my resignation...my last day of work will be June 30, 2024".

July 1st, I formally handed it all over. Done, complete, balanced, organized and relinquished in a manner I would hope for, if someone had worked for me. Done.

July 2nd to 28th has been a whirlwind of packing up, working in my new town, cleaning up and tying up loose ends. Today, I will relinquish this life in a manner I would hope for if someone was handing it over to me. Done. Almost.

There is a fridge to empty and clean. The car is packed and almost ready to go. The empty spots will very likely be filled to the gills with miscellaneous items, with only room for me in the car.

Just me.

Wow. This feels different than I thought it would. 

It will be a whole new world once I settle into regular, everyday life in my new home and town. I am beyond grateful I have found gainful employment that will sustain and nourish me. Literally and figuratively.

When I handed in my notice a year ago, I wistfully hoped I would be able to work a little on the side and do what they call "retire". I am now reframing retirement as "retiring from one job into my next".

New age retirement = continuing to work, but finding a more comfortable fit.

The fit feels wonderful. 

Now comes the next challenge. Living without dependents. Alone at last. 

Alone. But not lonely. That is the goal.


My final writing spot within this house I called home for thirty years...

Friday, July 5, 2024

A New Life Dawning

 "Where am I?" "What day is it?" "How long do I get to stay here??"

These are the questions I have been waking up to, when I actually sleep through the night these days. I have solved the dilemma of Where? What? How? lately by not falling into a deep restful sleep. The day will come. And I will be waking up in my newly refreshed life-as-I-know-it.

July 1st came and went. My one objective of this pivotal date was my date of resignation would have past and I would have evicted my "roommate", which was my job.

And ... (drumroll, please) ... I did it.

I wrapped up the June 30th deadline with a bow and handed it all over on July 1st. Happy New Year to me!!

Rewind the tape to last fall, when I started the process that eventually resulted in obtaining a casual job position in my new town. Due to the education requirements, there were many hoops to jump through during hiring process. After it was decided my education was sufficient, I had to take one more course. I did that. Then the interview. Then the skills test. 

October 4th was the beginning of this story. November 13th, I was offered a position. Next came one day of online education, submitting all new-hire documentation, including ensuring my immunizations were complete and up-to-date and training shifts. December 22nd was the end of the beginning of this same story.

At one point during the process I declared, "I have never worked so hard to get a job".

Then came the other end of the same, but very different story.

I gave my previous employers a year's notice that my date of resignation would be June 30th. The first six months were a breeze. The beginning of the next six months was overwhelming as I outlined all the deadlines I needed to meet, in order to be done in six short months. The last month? With the deadline looming and so much yet to do, was the motivation I needed to simply get the job done.

The final final four days of my job was like seeing the finish line ahead but the last leg of the race was the hardest leg of it all. And I did it. I really did it!!

June 30th (two loads of boxes and file cabinets later, this is what was left)

July 1st

July 2nd

At the beginning of my tale of two jobs, I declared, "I have never worked so hard to get a job". At the end of my tale, I declared, "I have never worked so hard to quit a job".

The second casual job position I was hired for was the best job interview of my life. It was as if every single thing I had accomplished throughout my working career mattered. Like all the puzzle pieces of my life came together to make me a good fit for the position I was eventually hired for. It was the easiest job interview of my life.

Here I am. One solid step into my new life. I am back in the town where I was born. 

I wake up knowing what day it is, where I am and knowing I am home. Home at last!

Saturday, June 22, 2024

Feeling the Joy

I have felt a spark of joy within me on a regular basis lately. I felt the sensation so deep this morning, I knew I had to put it down in words so I could re-read them some day in the future.

I am eight days away from the end-date of my work-from-home-bookkeeping position I have held for four years and three months. Taking on the full time role of working from home was a little heavier than expected. I can feel my clothes becoming a little looser as the extra weight of responsibility is being lifted from my shoulders.

Oh! What a feeling!!

I have a heavy list of things-to-do-before-I'm-done but I'm energized by this. I work best under pressure. And the pressure is on. It is so close, I can taste it!

Things in my new life have been falling into place ever-so-nicely. It has a feeling like it was truly meant to be. I haven't been fighting the current as I made progress along the way. I feel like I am walking with the current of a gently flowing creek.

It hasn't always felt this way but now that I can see the end, it is good. It is right. I am so grateful I didn't give up on my dream, even though giving up was most certainly where I was at six months ago.

Little things that bring me joy are so close to the surface.

Last week, I walked into my favorite bargain store and bought absolutely nothing but chocolate bars. These chocolate bars are the only thing I am aware of, that hasn't gone up with the cost of inflation in a time where prices of some of my favorite things (Pringles, for example) have doubled. 

Budgeting used to be the best diet I could go on. Inflation has replaced budgeting in food control. I simply will not pay the new prices on some of my prior delights. 

But these chocolate bars? I was not constrained by embarrassment, humility or caring for a moment what anyone thought about what was in my shopping basket.

The clerk ran them through and I just smiled from the depths of my soul and said, "These chocolate bars simply bring me so much joy!" He smiled from a place deeper than the cashier's obligatory "have a nice day" platitude. I think my confession brought a speck of joy into that moment.

I came home and could barely contain myself. Guess what this little basket full of joy cost! $7.77 (INCLUDING taxes):


I had a nightmare last night. I dreamt I was banned from buying so many chocolate bars from this store. I'd better find different stores to shop at - I don't want anything to take away the cheapest form of joy one can buy any time soon.

May you find a small piece of joy within your day. If you can, declare this joyful find out loud and share it. I do believe joy is contagious. Spread it around.

Saturday, April 27, 2024

A New Day Dawning

"You are exactly where you need to be

Wise words that are not my own, but words I fall back on often.

I have been listening to a lot of podcasts lately. My podcast feed is fed by my interests and most of what I hear feels like it was meant just for me on a given day. What surprises me, is when I end up listening to something I've already heard and I hear a brand new message the second time around.

"Laziness does not exist

Devon Price says on the We Can Do Hard Things podcast.

Interesting. When your body shuts down and you cannot do more than sit on the couch and watch TV, that is okay. Hmmm? 

I have had numerous people within my enabling circle of family and friends tell me this. I tend not to believe them because they really have no idea just how LITTLE I do when I say I have literally done nothing for the entirety of a weekend. But wait just a second. When I do nothing, I am still. I am listening. I am absorbing little nuggets of information I may or may not remember. I may spend an afternoon playing Freecell on the computer. But I am listening to podcasts the entirety of that time.

In the time I feel as if I am sleepwalking through the hours, the neurons in my brain are firing. I could be more productive. I will be more productive. I am thinking. I am learning. I am expanding my ideas. I am listening to other points of view. 

The myriad of podcasts I've listened to have motivated me to reserve and borrow books from the library written by those interviewed. I am reading again!

My interests are expanding outside of my own small little vantage point within the universe. I hear nuggets of information I have heard replayed in the world outside my head. I am literate in life beyond my own.

I will be attending an event where I will be among people I saw four and a half years ago. I was running on a tank so empty that when politely asked what I was going on in my life, I honestly answered, "Nothing". Period. End of story. A kind soul listening in answered for me and within that response, was what I used to do. I didn't do that anymore. 

I felt defeated. Small. I wanted to fade into the scenery. Who was I when all I could be defined by was a version of who I used to be?

I will see these people again. The conversation will be completely different. We will be at a memorial honoring two people within that small grouping who are no longer here. The focus will be outward but I feel more grounded. I am becoming more of the person I used to be, with a dash of growth and perspective added.

"Listen to dread. It is such an important direction. There is something not right about the situation."

I had been waking up physically, emotionally and spiritually filled with dread for quite some time four and a half years ago. I cried on my way to work. I could feel it in my heart, my soul and my bones. 

The sensation was mixed with grief at first. I had been feeling this way before Mom died. Running out to see her was running away from the angst I felt at my job. Mom listened while I talked. What I remember most about our last mother-daughter-life-as-we-remembered-it supper together was her asking me "What is your ten year plan? You do know your "bread and butter" [income sources] are both over the age of 80, don't you?"

I didn't make ten years. Mom knew my answer before she died. I pushed through six years before I gave a year's notice to leave the work that was killing me softly. I woke up dreading the day. I didn't act upon it. I can still feel the way I felt driving to work those days.

How old do you feel?

A question Julia Louis-Dreyfus asks every guest on her "Wiser Than Me" podcast.

My answer never changes when I hear her question. I feel the age of whoever is in my presence.

I have started two new jobs recently. I may be the oldest in the office but I am surrounded by people younger than me. I envelope whatever age they may be and feel at home in their company. I remember feeling the same way when I ran my daycare. I was of a grand-mothering age and could have easily been most of my parents' mothers. We had young children in common and I felt like a fellow-warrior in this parenting role. Then I started working with those who were over the age of eighty.

I'll leave that thought alone.

There are many who are older than those I worked with and they are life affirming and young in spirit. But those I was keeping company with were in a state of decline. It took all I had and perhaps a little bit more.

Mom's words of wisdom were "You need to be around youth". She clarified she was not talking of my daycare crowd. The full time responsibility of fifty hours a week tending pre-schoolers was a little too excessive. At least for me.

I abandoned my daycare career at Mom's urging and can now thoroughly enjoy those exuberant, youthful little people. There is little that brings more joy than listening to contended children at play. I can even appreciate a crying child who is not dependent upon me. 

Everything in moderation. 

I feel a sense of balance being restored within myself and the life I am living. Life is bubbling up inside of me once again. I am feeling the energy of surrounding myself with the energy of those who are regenerating little pieces of myself that were lost to me for a while.


It is a brand new day. How we spend it is entirely up to us. No guilt. No expectations. Just do what you are capable of doing. 

Friday, April 19, 2024

The Difference a Month Can Make

The months seem to be slipping through my fingers all of a sudden. Three months from now, I will be settling into my new life away from the one I know well. Three months.

I thrive on deadlines. This is one big reason I do believe it is in my best interest to continue to work for the foreseeable future. 

I have two casual job positions to move toward. Two opportunities to push myself out of my comfort zone at home and into the real world of people, interaction, responsibility and challenge.

I foresee quiet in my future. Time to nourish my thoughts, sit in them, write a little, feel a lot and walk through them. It is time to defrost the numbing habits I have developed and go forward from there.

I anticipate meeting new people and developing relationships. I am going "home" again. Family. Roots. Connection. I am starting to feel the tingling one feels when their frozen fingertips are coming back to life. 

I can feel the flutter of anticipation as I meet (and beat!) work deadlines. I read an article on de-cluttering and visions of filling boxes danced through my head. 

"What brings you joy?", Marie Kondo asks. Make room for the future, I tell myself.

The last time I gave this house a thorough purging was when my daycare was winding down to a close. I released the excess and made room for whatever life had in store. Unbeknownst to me at the time, I was making room for Mom's belongings after she died. I have not purged since.

I look at Mom's collection of books. Some books are most definitely "Mom" and speak to me as well. Other books will never be touched. Am I ready to let those go?

I think of my ballroom dancing days and the accessories I amassed during that time. I would love to dance again but my days of excess glitter and shine? I may keep a little but I'm ready to let go of a lot.

I picture the small little home of my future and my desire to move much less than I presently own. Garage sales are in my future. The real bonus of a garage sale is actually cleaning the garage. It has been five years since the garage was cleaned.

One step at a time. Meeting deadlines has pushed me out of a slump I had been marinating in for far too long. Moving toward the future I see for myself will push me where I need to be. Then what?

It is all in my hands from there. 

Creating the life I saw for myself when we drove off the farm when I was nine years old. That nine-year-old little girl sobbing in the back seat of the car, making a solemn vow "I will grow up, become a teacher and move back". 

I grew up. I ran a daycare in lieu of teaching. I am finally moving back home. Not exactly where I grew up, but literally to where I was born.

Full circle.

Oh, the difference one month can make when we do nothing at all but let life unfold in its own way, in its own time:

March 10th

April 14th

Just imagine the potential of what could unfold when you take the reins and steer your life toward the direction you hope for.

The possibilities are endless. The reality may be entirely different. Believe "you are exactly where you are meant to be", try not to "sweat the small stuff", do what is within your control and have faith it will all work out in the end ...

April 18th

Reality may surprise you.

Friday, March 29, 2024

A Multi-Topical Post

I'm sitting in the middle of a natural "high" at the moment. Brought to me courtesy of: completing a task BEFORE a long weekend; savoring the moment of a Friday off; persevering through a challenging month; the satisfaction of the month-end credit card balance equaling $0.00; AND the morning-after elation of my 20% off shopping at Shoppers.

Where to begin? Where to begin?

I have a list of "hard things" to accomplish within my office-that-lives-at-home. There is a bonus to the satisfaction of completing these tasks due to the fact I chose my resignation date to coincide with completing, filing and finalizing all year-end tasks before my end date. Each of these tasks has a bonus prize of being the last time I am responsible for its completion. ONE big job done has paved the way for what must follow. The hard part is over.

Month-end. It snuck up on me this month. I knew I had one big deadline to meet by March 31st. What surprised me was the fact that March 31st landed on a Sunday, with Friday being a holiday. All month-end tasks were due by Thursday (March 28th). And I did it! 

I thrive on deadlines. Wishy washy "do this when you have time" goals are my enemy. Tell me I have a week? It's done. Hormones are spiked and I'm riding a natural high that endures longer than most anything else I can imagine.

Our life has been sprinkled with the reality of living life. Our senior cat's bloodwork revealed he has Stage 3 Chronic Kidney Disease. We are managing this with a renal cat food diet. Dry cat food is being consumed at a near-regular rate of speed, we've supplemented his diet with canned renal cat food and we have water dishes available in multiple areas. This has brought him back to where he was about a month ago. Litter conditions are unchanged so my unofficial diagnosis is his stomach is still not tolerating his food as well as it should. But we are enjoying his presence in our lives for as long as he is comfortable. 

A reminder that life is a temporary condition always feels like a surprise. Renewed appreciation of the small stuff is the reward.

I have been getting up an hour earlier, which has given me the illusion of extra time. The morning hours have always been my favorite. Time before the rest of the world wakes up feels more sacred. I've been prepared to step into my office at a reasonable hour without sacrificing the time it takes to recharge my own batteries.

Ahhh. Taking care of oneself without guilt of stealing time out of (what should be) work hours. Guilt-free pleasures are the best.

Speaking of taking care of myself, I have been diligently trying to take better care of this body I inhabit. Drinking water and spacing my vitamins and blood pressure medication two hours apart has become a full time job. I'm considering cutting out one of my vitamins to save time (and money). Then I added the complication of making a goal of meeting my daily fiber and calcium requirements. I'm so full from nuts/fiber and dairy, that I have little desire for actual meals. I do need to add some form of exercise (walking) into this routine but honestly! When will I have the time? I'll have to squeeze it into my day before my consumption of liquids necessitates the close proximity of washroom facilities.

What goes in, must come out. I am literally flushing my system. All day, every day. I (should) feel so clean inside.

Speaking of clean, I have yet to add a thorough cleansing of our home to my regimen. Thriving on deadlines is not serving me well as yet. I am planning on moving throughout the month of July. I have 3 months to procrastinate. Thirty years at one address will not pack up in a day. I have convinced myself that completing my work related tasks will free up the energy levels required to start dealing with the excess of possessions around here. I hope I'm right.

Packing up a full-time job and office, with the addition of emptying a home feels daunting. ONE step at a time.

I love and look forward to my personal month-end tasks. The games I play within my budget scheme are plentiful. They provide challenge, entertainment and joy. Let me tell you about my most recent joyful moment ...

Our weekly milk requirements revolve around senior's 20% off days at Shoppers. The bonus of Seniors Day at Shoppers is the minimum age requirement - 55 years. You better believe I mentioned this gift in my brother's 55th birthday card. It is a rite of passage and I have owned it. Add the association between Superstore's bonus points being added to the Shopper's Optimum card and it is a winning combination. 

Thanks to a bonus offer I couldn't refuse, I easily amassed $30.00 worth of points on my Optimum card. After an extremely expensive month, I opted to cash in $20.00 worth of those points when I made my weekly purchase. Add that to my 20% off savings and look at what I bought for $3.17 last night!!

Look at all that calcium and fiber!! $3.17!!! I am over the moon!

I need to save all the pennies I can. I have another expensive month on the horizon. New summer tires, an oil change, a few social outings (being reclusive is a much more affordable hobby), refilling my quarterly prescription, a hair cut and an unhealthy cat equals financial insecurity into my regularly scheduled life.

April is right around the corner and I'm already anticipating the satisfaction of enduring yet another month and summing it all up with my favorite number. Zero. Zero credit card balance + a near-zero savings account balance isn't my favorite combo, but it's better than the alternative.

All this and it is a holiday Friday to boot. Life just doesn't get any better ...