Sunday, November 17, 2024

This morning's sunrise was pretty spectacular. I didn't have to leave the house to find it. This picture was taken from my own front yard:


I didn't take the lessons I was meant to learn yesterday and put them to use this morning. I frittered my morning away and missed out on the opportunity to witness this within a pre-dawn walk which would have enhanced the experience.

Yesterday, as I walked by an independent retirement living community I tried to imagine what the next twenty years have in store for me. I was grateful for today, yet mindful of the future.

I walked by the town's emergency service base and thought of the calls the ambulances go to. The need to call 9-1-1 in an emergency situation is never a good thing. I was grateful for the moment I was in, yet fully aware that life can change in an instant.

I walked by the Long Term Care Facility and thought of the lives being lived within those walls. The mere fact a person needs assistance to live out their life is sobering. Dad lived out his last years in a facility such as this. Mom fought hard to retain her independence. Other seniors I know well had no choice as their lives wound to a close. No matter how excellent the care may be, the loss of living an independent life is a great loss indeed. I felt a lot.

I walked by the hospital and thought of those requiring care. The sigh of relief one feels when they are in the hands of a medical team. The desire to go home. The hope it is a temporary pit stop along their way.

Then I simply walked. And it was good. 

The cool, crisp morning air felt good on my face. I felt better the moment I stepped out my door with the intent on greeting the morning and filling my early morning thoughts with gratitude.

It felt life affirming. Yet, I didn't repeat the lesson this morning. 

The answers can be as simple as stepping outside and inhaling the moment. Yet I find such solace in my safe little cocoon within my home. 

Our answers lie within us. I am laying my words out here on this platform to move my idle thoughts into a place where I am more likely to take action.

One forward step at a time.

Saturday, November 16, 2024

Use Your Words

I just re-watched an episode of Oprah Winfrey and Arthur Brooks on YouTube - "Build the Life You Want". The phrase "Use your words" stirred something inside of me that has been asleep. 

Use your words. Write. Move the emotions to the pre-frontal cortex of my brain and examine what these feelings are trying to teach me.

I have become quiet. I am living the dream I set out for myself but I am not as satisfied as I was when I was dreaming the dream. 

I have taken my weekend oasis and turned into my life. My extraordinary weekends have become my ordinary day-to-day life. What could possibly be better than this?

I have been walking through the days in survival mode. I have worked from home or for people I know for the better part of 26 years. Leaving my home and interacting with the public in a new town and job has felt hard. I come home fully depleted but the wisest part of me that knows this is good.

I look at the life I am building here and the deepest part of me knows I am exactly where I am meant to me. But I feel empty and a little bit lost. I am not okay. I am fine. But I'm not the person I know I can be.

I have some work to do. Literally, figuratively and in more ways than I can verbalize.

I've come a long way. But I have a long way to go ...


I went for a pre-dawn walk after I wrote this, determined to make a mental note and photograph the sunrise. The sky lightened but there was no euphoric rising-of-the-sun moment. 

A metaphor for life some days. The sun always rises. A new day dawns. It isn't always specatular but it happens anyway. 

The overcast day was a very good day regardless. Because there was a small shift in my perspective.

Tomorrow is a new day.

Saturday, August 10, 2024

I Am Here


This is it. I am here. I am present, quiet and savoring the moment (and my second cup of coffee).

I have spent the past half hour re-reading my posts from the past five months. I'm glad I documented some of my journey to get from there to here. It feels so very good to be sitting in this moment. Here. Today. 

Life is shifting into a new normal. It is early days so there is much tweaking to be done. Over the course of time, slipping into survival mode triggered a lot of coping mechanisms which became habits. It has been two weeks. I will not chastise myself too much yet. But coming home, finding food, collapsing onto the couch and staying awake only long enough to chew, swallow, brush my teeth and crawl into my pj's cannot become my new life.

The pressures of full-time daycaring shifted into a time of finding myself in the presence of seniors in declining health. Snuggling up on the couch in my pajamas, with chips and pop at my side became my reward for getting through the day. I often said (unfortunately it is still true today), "If I'm not chewing, talking or moving I am asleep". 

Getting through the week has felt familiarly draining. New jobs. Being "on" ALL day, every day. Adjusting to dressing for work, leaving the house and adhering to a full time work schedule has taken a new kind of energy.

I've done it. I'm doing it. But I continue to look forward to my weekends in a manner that reminds me of a teenager who lives for Friday. 

Here I am. Savoring my Saturday morning coffee. Inhaling the morning. Mapping out a plan for the next two days. Aaaah.

We are ten days into August and if I hadn't splurged on two getaway weekends and repairing a washing machine, I could happily say "I haven't spent a penny!!". 

My car hasn't moved for thirteen days. I haven't needed to fortify my groceries for thirteen days. I have been tempted to run to the city to splurge on storage solutions but tempered that thought with a wait-and-see approach for now.

The urge to spend money is next to nil. The desire to immerse myself into nesting is all encompassing. I have little energy to expend outside this little piece of property. The desire for connection is strong.

It will come. One day at a time. 

March 23rd

August 10th

Little touches here and there are turning this generic little cabin into a home.

Sunday, July 28, 2024

This is It

My last day living life-as-I-know-it has arrived. July 15th marked the 30 year anniversary of living in this home. January 1st, thirty six years ago we moved to this province. This city.

I moved here with my 9 year old and 4 month old children. They grew up, moved out and moved on. I gained a third child. She grew up, stayed home and I'm moving on. 

June 13, 2023 I wrote this:

"After much consideration, I have decided to retire and I am writing to tender my resignation...my last day of work will be June 30, 2024".

July 1st, I formally handed it all over. Done, complete, balanced, organized and relinquished in a manner I would hope for, if someone had worked for me. Done.

July 2nd to 28th has been a whirlwind of packing up, working in my new town, cleaning up and tying up loose ends. Today, I will relinquish this life in a manner I would hope for if someone was handing it over to me. Done. Almost.

There is a fridge to empty and clean. The car is packed and almost ready to go. The empty spots will very likely be filled to the gills with miscellaneous items, with only room for me in the car.

Just me.

Wow. This feels different than I thought it would. 

It will be a whole new world once I settle into regular, everyday life in my new home and town. I am beyond grateful I have found gainful employment that will sustain and nourish me. Literally and figuratively.

When I handed in my notice a year ago, I wistfully hoped I would be able to work a little on the side and do what they call "retire". I am now reframing retirement as "retiring from one job into my next".

New age retirement = continuing to work, but finding a more comfortable fit.

The fit feels wonderful. 

Now comes the next challenge. Living without dependents. Alone at last. 

Alone. But not lonely. That is the goal.


My final writing spot within this house I called home for thirty years...

Friday, July 5, 2024

A New Life Dawning

 "Where am I?" "What day is it?" "How long do I get to stay here??"

These are the questions I have been waking up to, when I actually sleep through the night these days. I have solved the dilemma of Where? What? How? lately by not falling into a deep restful sleep. The day will come. And I will be waking up in my newly refreshed life-as-I-know-it.

July 1st came and went. My one objective of this pivotal date was my date of resignation would have past and I would have evicted my "roommate", which was my job.

And ... (drumroll, please) ... I did it.

I wrapped up the June 30th deadline with a bow and handed it all over on July 1st. Happy New Year to me!!

Rewind the tape to last fall, when I started the process that eventually resulted in obtaining a casual job position in my new town. Due to the education requirements, there were many hoops to jump through during hiring process. After it was decided my education was sufficient, I had to take one more course. I did that. Then the interview. Then the skills test. 

October 4th was the beginning of this story. November 13th, I was offered a position. Next came one day of online education, submitting all new-hire documentation, including ensuring my immunizations were complete and up-to-date and training shifts. December 22nd was the end of the beginning of this same story.

At one point during the process I declared, "I have never worked so hard to get a job".

Then came the other end of the same, but very different story.

I gave my previous employers a year's notice that my date of resignation would be June 30th. The first six months were a breeze. The beginning of the next six months was overwhelming as I outlined all the deadlines I needed to meet, in order to be done in six short months. The last month? With the deadline looming and so much yet to do, was the motivation I needed to simply get the job done.

The final final four days of my job was like seeing the finish line ahead but the last leg of the race was the hardest leg of it all. And I did it. I really did it!!

June 30th (two loads of boxes and file cabinets later, this is what was left)

July 1st

July 2nd

At the beginning of my tale of two jobs, I declared, "I have never worked so hard to get a job". At the end of my tale, I declared, "I have never worked so hard to quit a job".

The second casual job position I was hired for was the best job interview of my life. It was as if every single thing I had accomplished throughout my working career mattered. Like all the puzzle pieces of my life came together to make me a good fit for the position I was eventually hired for. It was the easiest job interview of my life.

Here I am. One solid step into my new life. I am back in the town where I was born. 

I wake up knowing what day it is, where I am and knowing I am home. Home at last!

Saturday, June 22, 2024

Feeling the Joy

I have felt a spark of joy within me on a regular basis lately. I felt the sensation so deep this morning, I knew I had to put it down in words so I could re-read them some day in the future.

I am eight days away from the end-date of my work-from-home-bookkeeping position I have held for four years and three months. Taking on the full time role of working from home was a little heavier than expected. I can feel my clothes becoming a little looser as the extra weight of responsibility is being lifted from my shoulders.

Oh! What a feeling!!

I have a heavy list of things-to-do-before-I'm-done but I'm energized by this. I work best under pressure. And the pressure is on. It is so close, I can taste it!

Things in my new life have been falling into place ever-so-nicely. It has a feeling like it was truly meant to be. I haven't been fighting the current as I made progress along the way. I feel like I am walking with the current of a gently flowing creek.

It hasn't always felt this way but now that I can see the end, it is good. It is right. I am so grateful I didn't give up on my dream, even though giving up was most certainly where I was at six months ago.

Little things that bring me joy are so close to the surface.

Last week, I walked into my favorite bargain store and bought absolutely nothing but chocolate bars. These chocolate bars are the only thing I am aware of, that hasn't gone up with the cost of inflation in a time where prices of some of my favorite things (Pringles, for example) have doubled. 

Budgeting used to be the best diet I could go on. Inflation has replaced budgeting in food control. I simply will not pay the new prices on some of my prior delights. 

But these chocolate bars? I was not constrained by embarrassment, humility or caring for a moment what anyone thought about what was in my shopping basket.

The clerk ran them through and I just smiled from the depths of my soul and said, "These chocolate bars simply bring me so much joy!" He smiled from a place deeper than the cashier's obligatory "have a nice day" platitude. I think my confession brought a speck of joy into that moment.

I came home and could barely contain myself. Guess what this little basket full of joy cost! $7.77 (INCLUDING taxes):


I had a nightmare last night. I dreamt I was banned from buying so many chocolate bars from this store. I'd better find different stores to shop at - I don't want anything to take away the cheapest form of joy one can buy any time soon.

May you find a small piece of joy within your day. If you can, declare this joyful find out loud and share it. I do believe joy is contagious. Spread it around.

Saturday, April 27, 2024

A New Day Dawning

"You are exactly where you need to be

Wise words that are not my own, but words I fall back on often.

I have been listening to a lot of podcasts lately. My podcast feed is fed by my interests and most of what I hear feels like it was meant just for me on a given day. What surprises me, is when I end up listening to something I've already heard and I hear a brand new message the second time around.

"Laziness does not exist

Devon Price says on the We Can Do Hard Things podcast.

Interesting. When your body shuts down and you cannot do more than sit on the couch and watch TV, that is okay. Hmmm? 

I have had numerous people within my enabling circle of family and friends tell me this. I tend not to believe them because they really have no idea just how LITTLE I do when I say I have literally done nothing for the entirety of a weekend. But wait just a second. When I do nothing, I am still. I am listening. I am absorbing little nuggets of information I may or may not remember. I may spend an afternoon playing Freecell on the computer. But I am listening to podcasts the entirety of that time.

In the time I feel as if I am sleepwalking through the hours, the neurons in my brain are firing. I could be more productive. I will be more productive. I am thinking. I am learning. I am expanding my ideas. I am listening to other points of view. 

The myriad of podcasts I've listened to have motivated me to reserve and borrow books from the library written by those interviewed. I am reading again!

My interests are expanding outside of my own small little vantage point within the universe. I hear nuggets of information I have heard replayed in the world outside my head. I am literate in life beyond my own.

I will be attending an event where I will be among people I saw four and a half years ago. I was running on a tank so empty that when politely asked what I was going on in my life, I honestly answered, "Nothing". Period. End of story. A kind soul listening in answered for me and within that response, was what I used to do. I didn't do that anymore. 

I felt defeated. Small. I wanted to fade into the scenery. Who was I when all I could be defined by was a version of who I used to be?

I will see these people again. The conversation will be completely different. We will be at a memorial honoring two people within that small grouping who are no longer here. The focus will be outward but I feel more grounded. I am becoming more of the person I used to be, with a dash of growth and perspective added.

"Listen to dread. It is such an important direction. There is something not right about the situation."

I had been waking up physically, emotionally and spiritually filled with dread for quite some time four and a half years ago. I cried on my way to work. I could feel it in my heart, my soul and my bones. 

The sensation was mixed with grief at first. I had been feeling this way before Mom died. Running out to see her was running away from the angst I felt at my job. Mom listened while I talked. What I remember most about our last mother-daughter-life-as-we-remembered-it supper together was her asking me "What is your ten year plan? You do know your "bread and butter" [income sources] are both over the age of 80, don't you?"

I didn't make ten years. Mom knew my answer before she died. I pushed through six years before I gave a year's notice to leave the work that was killing me softly. I woke up dreading the day. I didn't act upon it. I can still feel the way I felt driving to work those days.

How old do you feel?

A question Julia Louis-Dreyfus asks every guest on her "Wiser Than Me" podcast.

My answer never changes when I hear her question. I feel the age of whoever is in my presence.

I have started two new jobs recently. I may be the oldest in the office but I am surrounded by people younger than me. I envelope whatever age they may be and feel at home in their company. I remember feeling the same way when I ran my daycare. I was of a grand-mothering age and could have easily been most of my parents' mothers. We had young children in common and I felt like a fellow-warrior in this parenting role. Then I started working with those who were over the age of eighty.

I'll leave that thought alone.

There are many who are older than those I worked with and they are life affirming and young in spirit. But those I was keeping company with were in a state of decline. It took all I had and perhaps a little bit more.

Mom's words of wisdom were "You need to be around youth". She clarified she was not talking of my daycare crowd. The full time responsibility of fifty hours a week tending pre-schoolers was a little too excessive. At least for me.

I abandoned my daycare career at Mom's urging and can now thoroughly enjoy those exuberant, youthful little people. There is little that brings more joy than listening to contended children at play. I can even appreciate a crying child who is not dependent upon me. 

Everything in moderation. 

I feel a sense of balance being restored within myself and the life I am living. Life is bubbling up inside of me once again. I am feeling the energy of surrounding myself with the energy of those who are regenerating little pieces of myself that were lost to me for a while.


It is a brand new day. How we spend it is entirely up to us. No guilt. No expectations. Just do what you are capable of doing.