In the Quiet I Can Hear ...

Today is my favorite day. A weekday when I don't have to work, be anywhere or be anything to anyone. I'm walking to the beat of my own heart this morning and it is life affirming.

First off, I made myself a cup of coffee. Then I turned on the Christmas lights and left the rest of the house in darkness. No music, no podcasts, no outside interference whatsoever.

I could hear the furnace cutting in and warming the chilly morning air. I listened to the train whistles as they bustled through our little town. Eventually Mom's clock woke up and started chiming the hour. Bong! Bong! Bong! Bong! Bong! Bong!

It was 6:00 a.m. and I marvelled at how time travelled at such a slower pace without my regular morning diversions. I sat in my rocking chair, opened all the blinds, enjoyed the view and heard my thoughts bubbling to the surface.

I grabbed a pen and pad. I started writing little lists of hopes, dreams and aspirations. First, thinking of my home. Next, looking inward and thinking of my personal wish list. My personal thoughts were capital letter items. 

The house and yard dreams came with a price tag. My personal wish list was priceless. Write. Move. Invite. Remember the joy of puttering. Re-create boredom to find stillness and space to feel the creative juices again ...

Then the clock started chiming more hours away. The closer I got to 8:00, the more practical my list became. 

Get a landline. Goal - use my cell phone as required but not for emails, podcasts, scrolling, shopping, checking the weather or highway conditions. Use the computer for "all of the above". Be INTENTIONAL with my cell phone usage.

Final words as I put my pen and paper down to write this:

JUST BEGIN

THREE DAY WORK WEEK IS THE GOAL

... and that is just the front of the pages ...

Inspired

I am attempting to make it a habit to inhale new thoughts, ideas and inspiration into my mornings. 

I love mornings when I don't have to be out the door at a certain time because it gives me the opportunity to be still within my cozy little abode, keep the curtains closed, lighting low and watch while I listen as if I am having a personal home theatre experience.

This morning was such a morning. I found a comfortable place to sit with Tom Hanks and Jay Shetty as Tom shared his thoughts, words, experience and perspective on life in a way that made me stand sit up and take notice.

If you have an hour and forty three minutes of uninterupted time, I highly recommend tuning out the world and tuning into this conversation.

My desire to savor solitude was reinforced. I was reminded that the quietest of times within my life were when seeds of change were planted. I was transported to the importance of the five hour drive back "home" to visit with Mom.  

I love that this conversation made me curious to learn more about Martin Luther King, World Wars, solar eclipses and the handing over of power from George Washington to John Adams (the first time in recorded history when there was a peaceful transfer of power without an heir inheriting the leadership).

This conversation fueled my thoughts and made me think. 

Tom's quotes, "This too shall pass" "And more will be revealed" "Our best days are yet to come" resonated with me.

I was ready to rewatch this interview the moment it ended. It was time well spent.

Supporting my neck has become my biggest challenge recently. I have a comfy looking couch which was not built for watching TV, but this 26 year old rocking chair seems to work for 1 hour and 43 minutes...

TOM HANKS Reveals The 'Countenance Theory' That CHANGED His Acting Career

Favorite Days

When my siblings and I last gathered, our conversation drifted towards "favorite days". 

I remember Mom blissfully commenting, "I think my favorite day is Tuesday" at a point when I was inhaling our conversations. We had a little chat around her favorite day. It was a light and easy conversation during a heavy and serious time. 

To my siblings, I replied, "Any weekday I don't have to work is my favorite day." Guess what day it is today? My favorite day!

It was dark when I started writing and it is dark as I wind this down. It was my favorite kind of day.

This morning's sunrise was pretty spectacular. I didn't have to leave the house to find it. This picture was taken from my own front yard:

I didn't take the lessons I was meant to learn yesterday and put them to use this morning. I frittered my morning away and missed out on the opportunity to witness this within a pre-dawn walk which would have enhanced the experience.

Yesterday, as I walked by an independent retirement living community I tried to imagine what the next twenty years have in store for me. I was grateful for today, yet mindful of the future.

I walked by the town's emergency service base and thought of the calls the ambulances go to. The need to call 9-1-1 in an emergency situation is never a good thing. I was grateful for the moment I was in, yet fully aware that life can change in an instant.

I walked by the Long Term Care Facility and thought of the lives being lived within those walls. The mere fact a person needs assistance to live out their life is sobering. Dad lived out his last years in a facility such as this. Mom fought hard to retain her independence. Other seniors I know well had no choice as their lives wound to a close. No matter how excellent the care may be, the loss of living an independent life is a great loss indeed. I felt a lot.

I walked by the hospital and thought of those requiring care. The sigh of relief one feels when they are in the hands of a medical team. The desire to go home. The hope it is a temporary pit stop along their way.

Then I simply walked. And it was good. 

The cool, crisp morning air felt good on my face. I felt better the moment I stepped out my door with the intent on greeting the morning and filling my early morning thoughts with gratitude.

It felt life affirming. Yet, I didn't repeat the lesson this morning. 

The answers can be as simple as stepping outside and inhaling the moment. Yet I find such solace in my safe little cocoon within my home. 

Our answers lie within us. I am laying my words out here on this platform to move my idle thoughts into a place where I am more likely to take action.

One forward step at a time.

Use Your Words

I just re-watched an episode of Oprah Winfrey and Arthur Brooks on YouTube - "Build the Life You Want". The phrase "Use your words" stirred something inside of me that has been asleep. 

Use your words. Write. Move the emotions to the pre-frontal cortex of my brain and examine what these feelings are trying to teach me.

I have become quiet. I am living the dream I set out for myself but I am not as satisfied as I was when I was dreaming the dream. 

I have taken my weekend oasis and turned into my life. My extraordinary weekends have become my ordinary day-to-day life. What could possibly be better than this?

I have been walking through the days in survival mode. I have worked from home or for people I know for the better part of 26 years. Leaving my home and interacting with the public in a new town and job has felt hard. I come home fully depleted but the wisest part of me that knows this is good.

I look at the life I am building here and the deepest part of me knows I am exactly where I am meant to me. But I feel empty and a little bit lost. I am not okay. I am fine. But I'm not the person I know I can be.

I have some work to do. Literally, figuratively and in more ways than I can verbalize.

I've come a long way. But I have a long way to go ...

I went for a pre-dawn walk after I wrote this, determined to make a mental note and photograph the sunrise. The sky lightened but there was no euphoric rising-of-the-sun moment. 

A metaphor for life some days. The sun always rises. A new day dawns. It isn't always specatular but it happens anyway. 

The overcast day was a very good day regardless. Because there was a small shift in my perspective.

Tomorrow is a new day.

I Am Here

This is it. I am here. I am present, quiet and savoring the moment (and my second cup of coffee).

I have spent the past half hour re-reading my posts from the past five months. I'm glad I documented some of my journey to get from there to here. It feels so very good to be sitting in this moment. Here. Today. 

Life is shifting into a new normal. It is early days so there is much tweaking to be done. Over the course of time, slipping into survival mode triggered a lot of coping mechanisms which became habits. It has been two weeks. I will not chastise myself too much yet. But coming home, finding food, collapsing onto the couch and staying awake only long enough to chew, swallow, brush my teeth and crawl into my pj's cannot become my new life.

The pressures of full-time daycaring shifted into a time of finding myself in the presence of seniors in declining health. Snuggling up on the couch in my pajamas, with chips and pop at my side became my reward for getting through the day. I often said (unfortunately it is still true today), "If I'm not chewing, talking or moving I am asleep". 

Getting through the week has felt familiarly draining. New jobs. Being "on" ALL day, every day. Adjusting to dressing for work, leaving the house and adhering to a full time work schedule has taken a new kind of energy.

I've done it. I'm doing it. But I continue to look forward to my weekends in a manner that reminds me of a teenager who lives for Friday. 

Here I am. Savoring my Saturday morning coffee. Inhaling the morning. Mapping out a plan for the next two days. Aaaah.

We are ten days into August and if I hadn't splurged on two getaway weekends and repairing a washing machine, I could happily say "I haven't spent a penny!!". 

My car hasn't moved for thirteen days. I haven't needed to fortify my groceries for thirteen days. I have been tempted to run to the city to splurge on storage solutions but tempered that thought with a wait-and-see approach for now.

The urge to spend money is next to nil. The desire to immerse myself into nesting is all encompassing. I have little energy to expend outside this little piece of property. The desire for connection is strong.

It will come. One day at a time. 

March 23rd

August 10th

Little touches here and there are turning this generic little cabin into a home.