Charging System Malfunctions

They say what doesn't kill you makes you stronger. I'm not dead yet but I am feeling a tad stronger than I was a handful of days ago.

My social battery does not hold a charge any more. It is akin to my computer battery which needs a continual charge. The moment it is unplugged it dies immediately. There is no residual power in the battery. It simply dies. It does not hold a charge, even with a consistent power source.

My angst over socializing outside of the comfort of home is usually tempered when I'm surrounded by good friends and family. Especially family. That was what was so disconcerting about the weekend past. I couldn't talk myself down. I was getting close. I thought I could do it. I was packed up and ready to go. But my body shut me down and made it physically impossible to leave the house. I couldn't have even worked. I was so relieved I didn't have to feel guilty about booking the day off work. I couldn't have worked. Whew.

I slept the entirety of the day and all of the night. I awoke with the strength to push myself out of the house and onto the road towards my family.

As I drove, I calmed a little but the voice inside my head was constant. Everyone else is part of a couple. It was a family weekend including all the in-laws. And me. It was a bridge too far. 

I had visions of them enjoying this time without a seventh wheel. I was actually relieved. I thought I gave them a gift of a day without concern about the extra baggage of an odd man out. I have never, ever felt like that man. But my angst was high and talking me into all kinds of stories. 

All anxiety fell out of my body the moment I walked in. It was worth every painful step it took to get there. Gone.

And so went the rest of the weekend. Embraced by the comfort, comradery, humor and presence of family, I was home. I was truly home.

My battery recharged throughout our family time. I hadn't even realized the gift I accidentally brought with me when I arrived in my own vehicle. I had the ability to drive my sisters home for one final inoculation of sisterhood all the way home. ALL the way.

We arrived home at 2:30 in the afternoon. The better part of a Sunday to gather what I needed to forge through another work week. Time for everything and nothing. Time to do a few things for my "future self" to make waking up in the morning easy.

And it worked. 

I slept five solid hours without stirring. I awoke to a computer in a deep sleep. I fall asleep watching something on the computer with settings set so it will not advance to the next episode. Normally I don't sleep long enough for the computer to completely shut down and I can wake it up by clicking the mouse. Not last night. I thought I would try to fall asleep without resorting to tuning something on, to tune out my thoughts. I stirred for a minute or two. But I fell back asleep and awoke two hours later.

Waking up to a dark, quiet room felt so incredibly peaceful. I had a long, vivid dream, full of deep meanings to keep my mind busy upon waking. Once again, as with most of my dreams, it was a relief to know it was only a dream. 

My sister gave me a grounding sheet as a parting gift. I came home, stripped the bed, washed the sheets, had a shower and wore my freshly washed pj's to bed. I had completely forgotten about the grounding sheet when I went to bed. Everything felt so fresh and crisp that I became one with my nest of supportive pillows and comfy, familiar bedding.

I woke up feeling completely grounded. It's a miracle. The sheet works! So does the magic of family and charging my weak social battery.

I have a tricky car battery and charging system that is worsened by the car sitting idle in the garage for weeks or a month at a time. It is strengthened by a good, long drive and weakened by quick trips. 

I definitely have a short in my charging systems around here. Something to work on ....

My trickle charger showing a 50% to 75% charge after a 4 hour drive

This morning. 

My car and I have a lot in common - the need for a trickle charger.

Jann Arden - Good Mother Album Version /w Intro & Extro

Jann Arden's lyrics to her song Good Mother are what I'm hearing when I let my mind rest this morning:

I've got money in my pocket

I like the color of my hair

I've got a friend who loves me

Got a house, I've got a car

I've got a good mother

And her voice is what keeps me here

...

I have no other words this morning. 

I need to inhale the melody and lyrics of Jann Arden's song.

May you lose yourself to the music you find whispering in your ear today.

Waging a War With Winter

I've got a case of Spring Fever verses Old Man Winter going on inside of me.

Our last blast of winter simply annoyed me. It was inconvenient, cold and down right nasty. If there must be snow at the tail end of March, the least we could hope for was a blast of warmth to melt it.

The temperatures are starting to rise. My determination to let Mother Nature take care of winter's (hopefully) last onslaught of snow is starting to gain momentum.

The wind that accompanied our snow was the most annoying of all. I cleared out the pathways beside the house, to the compost bin, the patio and garage. Twice. The wind kept blowing and it continued to snow ever-so-slightly. So I quit.

I shoveled out enough for my company to park. That was it. I was done.

I could have shoveled when I got home from work last night. But I didn't. I didn't want to. I didn't care. I am still rather annoyed and insulted by the last snowfall.

I'm starting to feel a little embarrassed. I took great pride in keeping the snow in check all winter. I didn't love the idea of shoveling but I felt a great sense of accomplishment after each snowfall. 

Winter lasted one snow storm too long. I still feel determined to wait it out. It is shrinking. I am going to win this battle.

P.S. The best part about this picture is the fact it was taken at 6:11 a.m.

Our increasing daylight hours are definitely working in my favor.

Relief

The weight of the world on my shoulders is starting to lessen. One part of the equation is one third of my three committed weekends is behind me. - the most challenging weekend (hosting guests feels hard) is checked off the list. The other part of this equation is I have allowed myself the luxury of taking Ibuprofen to provide a little physical relief.

My neck has been a thorn in my side (literally a pain-in-the-neck) for the better part of the time since I moved to my new home. I blame my couch.

A comfy couch and comfortable kitchen chairs were at the top of my wish list when I made this move. There is a small little nook for the couch and only a select few models would fit in the space. I felt like I'd won the lottery when I found a couch that checked all the boxes. It not only fit into the space, it turns into a bed and it has the chaise lounge feature which has storage to hold the bedding. Perfect!

I couldn't wait to settle in, make a cozy little spot to support my neck/head and have a Netflix weekend marathon.

Exhaustion washed over me and falling asleep in front of the TV became my new norm. I cannot actually even recall the first few months of living here. Other than I worked, ate supper and went to bed. I must have actually sat on the couch. Yes, I now remember. I did sit on it to discover it was hard and uncomfortable. I then sat on each cushion, bounced myself up and down and worked my way down the couch. No better. Next I literally stood and jumped on the couch. Slight (very) improvement.

My next vivid memory is nestling in to watch TV and the moment my body started to relax, shooting pains emanated from my neck straight into my skull. I adjusted, readjusted, added pillows, more pillows, different pillows and nothing worked except for lying on my side with a brand new, plump down filled bed pillow which held my head and shoulders at exactly the right angle so I could watch TV. Of course the moment I was lying down, comfortable and watching TV, I fell asleep.

I have gone through all the pain killers I had in the house - all of which are well over seven years old. I know this, because I had some of Mom's Tylenol and she died seven years ago. All of my own pain relief pills were older than that. At this point, I knew I had to seek other alternatives.

I have been to a doctor and prescribed some muscle relaxants. No noticeable relief. 

I went to a Physical Therapist and came home with a stretching regimen. I was determined to do my part so I started the twice-a-day routine that night. I injured my neck even more, in the process. I quit immediately but restarted very, very carefully after my neck felt as bad as it did before I began. My neck felt worse than ever. So I quit again.

I went to a massage therapist. I was relieved of the neck pain during the night, only to have it replaced with a constant nagging discomfort all day instead. I told this to her and the next time she made some adjustments that brought back the night discomfort with a side order of day discomfort. Third time back, I told her this and she readjusted things so I was only slightly worse off than I was before I began.

I bought a special Ecoden pillow which was advertised to be EXACTLY what I needed. I tried it the first night and the stabbing pains I feel when I relax on my couch was my neck's immediate reaction. I tossed it onto the floor but tried again. Once again, this pillow felt as hard as my comfy-looking couch so I tossed it onto the floor and jumped on it to try to break it in. 

The new pillow was introduced during the course of my massage treatments. The other side effect of my massage therapy was the down bed pillow that used to work so I could watch TV on the couch stopped working. I was trying everything, so I tried the Ecoden pillow to watch TV. I seemed to need the cardboard-like support, while lying down on the couch to support my increasingly heavy head. For the moment, this provides me enough comfort to fall asleep while watching TV.

My x-ray results say "mild multilevel disc space narrowing with marginal osteophytes are seen throughout the cervical spine, compatible with degenerative changes".

All I can say is, if this is aging, I'm done with it. 

I call what I have a "low grade discomfort". I know I'm fortunate. So many others have mid to high grade pain all or most of the time, with relief that most likely feels like low grade discomfort at best. My discomfort is focused on one small area of my entire body. It could be so much worse.

My diagnosis is - I have TV neck. Kind of like tennis elbow - TV neck is a repetitive injury caused by overuse of the same joint over an extended period of time.

For the short term, I'm going to fall back on pain killers to give my poor old neck a break. For the longer term, I will try to cut back on the TV watching and combine that with some light stretches.

The end.

P.S. My friend, who spent enough time here to actually sit back and relax on my comfy-looking-couch is about my height, and she found exactly the same "pull" I described when she sat back on the couch. See?? It IS the couch's fault!! 

Blanketed in Friendship

We met by chance, became (and remained) friends by choice. These are the people I spent time with this past weekend.

They navigated life, snow and made time for a little "retreat" at my little oasis of a home. And it was good.

My hosting muscle is weak and out of shape. A weekend with friends reminded me "I can do this!" and strengthened my ability to live a step outside my comfort zone.

In an attempt to clear the clutter of my mind, I had a list of things-to-do before my guests arrived. I was down to the final hour before their anticipated arrival time. I knew time was running short so I asked myself, "What would you rather them catch you doing when they arrive? Vacuuming? Or snow shoveling?" Shoveling won.

My home was clean (enough), meals were prepared and I had just finished clearing enough snow for my guests to park, get out and around their vehicle when they arrived.

Then the magic began.

There is comfort in being around those who know you well and the feeling of knowing them well too. Shared history creates a solid foundation for a weekend visit. 

There was comfort, laughter, food, comradery, encouragement, more laughter and more food. We tested out our sea legs at the mineral spa. We enjoyed the music of an artist we know through someone we had all worked with. 

Our weekend was blanketed not only in the fresh-fallen snow. but in the comfort and ease of friendship that has spanned over the course of the past 35 years. 

It was a weekend worth the effort of clearing the path for whatever the next 26 hours had in store.

Guest Ready

Preparing for guests is truly a gift to myself. I do little other than ensure bedding, bathrooms and the house in general is fresh, clean and tidied up. Oh, and food. Prepare food. Simple, easy to serve sustenance. I do these things for myself but, more often than not, not all at the same time.

There is a potential I may have overnight guests. The possibility is there but certainty evades me at the moment (darn snow!!).

Thus, I climbed out of bed and directly into a forward momentum this morning. Washing sheets and a load of darks is well underway. I have two beds (out of three) guest-ready.

Meat is thawed for a make-ahead slow cooker meal. That will simmer as I clean bathrooms, dust and vacuum. I may get some soup simmering too.

If my guests opt to come today, I must shovel out a spot on the driveway for them (darn snow!!).

No matter what happens, I am truly the benefactor of this motivational push. I deserve clean sheets, bathrooms & house as much as anyone. I will reap the benefits of having some meals made ahead. It is a win-win situation.

Will clear snow for guests ... personally, "I know a guy (company) with a Bobcat" and I'll wait.

Snow

Snow, snow

Disappear!

Come again another year...

Yesterday morning:

This morning:

Tunneling out (one last time?)

 

That's all.