Taking the Lead

As we seem to have a severe shortage of men at the dance studio, I have become accustomed to learning 'the lead' in our group classes.

I am a follower by nature. A leader by design. In the early stages of dancing, I cringed in fear as I was delegated to lead out of necessity.

But in the beginner group class, I have had the comfort factor of learning the lead from the elementary stages. It's been a good experience.

Over time, I have had the ability to absorb some of the basics. The steps, the rotation, a few of the dance patterns ... but the one thing that I have yet to master, is truly leading. I am a wimpy lead. Nothing is solid or firm and my partner doesn't feel like I'm in control.

It's funny how one part of life translates into another. I have been finding many parallels within my life that equate to 'leading'.

I used to be a person that sat at home and waited for life to happen. I took little control over my own destiny and followed the path of least resistance. I did what had to be done, took care of my young family and in the time that was left over ... I sat around and waited for 'life' to come knocking at my door. I was a follower.

Something has changed within me over the course of time. I have taken the reins and I'm living my life intentionally. I'm making decisions. I've learned a lot and one of the most valuable lessons that I've retained is that if I'm unhappy with a situation I have no right to sit and belly ache about it, if there is something that I can do to change it.

This epiphany served me well in my daycare career. I became comfortable dealing with uncomfortable situations when the alternative was feeling like people were taking advantage of me. I was yet to be 'taking the lead' ... but I was 'taking control' of my life. It was a ground breaking transition into the person I wanted to become.

Lately, I have taken that a step further. I am taking the lead.

I am initiating get-togethers. I am approaching family members (and beyond) to help me put together a book of memories about my dad's family. I am actually picking up the phone and calling people (this is still one of my biggest challenges and I'm still working to overcome it). I've changed the direction of my career. I have become an active participant in my own life and I'm inviting people to join me in the adventure.

Last night, at our group dance class I had a melt down of a minor proportion. I was (once again) in the lead position and was fortunate to be dancing with someone who followed not only what I was leading ... but what I was feeling. The unfortunate part was, that I was feeling a lot of uncertainty. My partner followed every move that I made and every move that I considered making. She apologized but I reassured her that she was following me perfectly ... she picked up on the half-leads, the late-leads, the non-leads and even (a few) actual leads as I tried to incorporate a pattern into a basic step we had just learned.

Why did I become so frustrated with the knowledge that I was not an effective 'leader'? Most likely because I was messing up a lot ... but the bigger picture is that this wimpy lead carries into my life outside of the dance studio as well.

Yes ... I do try and take the initiative gatherings of family, friends and acquaintances. Yes ... I did take control of the direction of my career. Yes ... I do take the lead in my day to day life. But what do I do after that? Just like on the dance floor ... I become indecisive and wishy washy. There is very much a "Now what?" feeling that overtakes me when I get myself into a new situation.

Yesterday, I put in seven hours of mind-numbing work at my bookkeeping job. I tidied up my work and walked away and I didn't feel an ounce of satisfaction from the job that I had just completed. What have I done? I took control. This is my new life. And ... "now what"??

I had just enough time to dust myself off and get ready for my dance lesson. The uncertainty of where I'm at carried right on to the dance floor. I feel sorry for my partners who most definitely felt my "now what" vibes.

Yes, I'm taking the lead. It's a frightening prospect. But the satisfaction of facing one's fears is that it becomes part of the person you are growing into becoming.

My mini-meltdown at the dance studio consisted of a rush of words saying, "Yes! It's all my fault. I know it. It's not anyone else but me ... I'm doing it wrong!"

This is part of the learning curve. Taking the lead means taking responsibility. I'm responsible for where I'm at and the decisions I make. I'm just in the middle of a transitional phase at the moment and not too comfortable in my shoes. Yet. But it will come. Of this, I am certain (after some minor adjustments).

Disclaimer:
I apologize to anyone who was harmed in the process of the 'lessons learned' in the making of this blog post.