If He Could See Us Now

Here is a journal entry that I found in my old journal between the dates Dec 26/96 and May 10/97. Nine years after I packed up my children and walked away from an abusive relationship.

I am recopying it here, word for word. I remember the way I felt when I wrote this so I'm not changing a thing:

     ... a man's voice was on the other end of the phone line ... the questions, the voice, the "unknown" triggered an emotion in the young boy's mind. He hung up the phone, deflated. He sighed out loud, "I thought it was my Dad" ...

     ... a young man. Eager yet terrified to step towards adulthood, is tentatively learning about cars in a mechanics class. He feels a betrayal. So many of his classmates know so much more than he does. Their dad had taught them. So many emotions lie beneath the surface. But one seems to rear its ugly head the most ... anger.

     ... the responsibilities of running a household and family on her own, she wrestles with the trials, triumphs and day-to-day mundane ... alone. Whether it be a moment of devastation or one of jubilation, she longs for a partner to turn to. To share the moment. Another day, like all the rest, is over. Sleep will bring comfort ... dreams of the future.

     ... somewhere out there is a man. Alone in his own way. Possibly masking it with another drink ... another "toke" ... running ...

     Does he know he's not alone in his pain and his grief? Does he know he'll never be able to run away from it? Does he ever wonder about his family and their pain? Or is he too busy masking his own?

     Years go by and like the ripples from a pebble tossed into the stillness of a lake, his influence in their life is a constant.

     She had tried to run from it too. For a while it seemed to work. She inched towards independence and distance from the life they had lead. A life, that no matter what pain and devastation it wrought, that kept bringing them back to each other ...

     The cycle of abuse is seemingly endless. The good times SO good ... the bad times so devastating. It affects everyone ... the ripple in the lake ...

     From the outside looking in, it appears so black and white. "They" see the family torn apart ... "they" know the answer. But ... when the family does the "right" thing and separates, does the outside world feel the ripples?

     There's a longing inside her. A longing to "solve" the past. To spread the word and help someone learn from her experience. It wasn't good enough to protect her children from a future exposed to the havoc an abusive relationship. They had already been exposed. The seed already planted. The ripple ...

     The anger the young man feels slips out from time to time. An anger that's always under the surface. He can "justify" his actions because it's "someone else's" fault ... ... ... Her blood runs cold at his response ... What will trigger his anger next? Who will be wounded as the ripple continues to affect the calmness that surrounds the lake?

     Has your life been affected by abusive behaviour? Are you one of its victims? Are you masking the pain in any addictive behaviour? Are you running?

     Those that are inflicting the pain of abuse are usually victims too. It's a cycle. It's NOT an heirloom one would choose to pass along to their children. But unwittingly that's what happens.

     No matter if you're a victim or the one inflicting the pain, STOP RUNNING! Remove yourself from the situation. Get help. Find support. Talk. Confront the issue. Get help. FACE the pain. If you don't face it, it will never go away. Don't allow another generation to toss another pebble into yet another peaceful lake.

     She wishes he would get help. Get healthy. Get to know his children. She wishes he could acknowledge that he understands she did what she thought was best for everyone. She hopes that what she did wasn't in vain. That future generations will not suffer because she didn't learn sooner the toll it would take on her own children.

     She prays the anger in the young man feels will be dealt with in a positive way. Before it affects the people that touch his life.

     She's sad the young boy never knew his Dad, but yet relieved. The ripple can't touch him. He didn't feel the pain. He felt the loneliness instead.

     She longs for the ripple to calm into the stillness of the lake. She's tired of fighting the waves.