Before I Blogged

Last night My Youngest asked how long I have been dancing. My answer was "I started dancing right at the same time that I found out that I was pregnant with you. I danced from November until February and then I quit dancing until you were two." (and I've danced for the better part of the 10 years that followed). His response when he found out that I danced while I was pregnant? "That's why I've got rhythm. I like to dance but I have my own style ..."

His question motivated me to find the journal that I kept (sporadically) long before I blogged. I knew that I had written about all that was going on in my head at that time and I wondered what my exact thoughts were when I started dancing. It took me a very long time to find those words. Because I started reading from the beginning ...

I started this journal one week after I moved my family to a new city and province. It was a fresh, new start and I was hundreds of miles away from everyone in 'my world'. I had my children and knew an aunt and uncle and I knew of some cousins that lived in our new city.

I had my work, a babysitter and a pen. So I wrote myself through a few of the phases of reconstructing our life. I didn't write regularly. Maybe a few entries close together, but for the most part this journal seemed to find its way into my hands on more of an annual basis.

It was interesting to read my writing from almost 24 years ago. I have grown, but they are the same words that I continue to use to describe old memories. My 'hope runs eternal' attitude has grown stronger throughout the years, but it was in its infancy back then.

I wrote of the good, bad and the ugly. I wrote about my (then) two children and some of the challenges we faced.

It was a reflective walk through the decades. I didn't relive the moments. I remembered them. I appreciated what I learned from them. And I kept flipping through the pages. They were easy pages to read because I already knew the ending.

A few hours later, I finally worked my way to the page I was looking for. Here is a very abbreviated version of a four page journal entry two days after I took my first dance lesson (excuse the excessive capitalization in this excerpt, but I'm copying it exactly as I wrote it and I didn't have access to italics and bold in the hand written form):

Friday, November 14, 1997

It's been QUITE the week! The best and the worst all tossed in together. Thank goodness the best is winning. As long as I keep busy enough, hopefully I can put the worst aside to let time (and God!) work a little magic to help me see my way through.

A week ago yesterday, it was confirmed that I was pregnant. I was basically numb ...

I started dancing lessons on Wednesday. It was SO wonderful. The movement to music and the instructor being so utterly flattering (that's his job ... but he made me FEEL like such a natural!). I couldn't believe the lasting effect that half hour had on me. I honestly FORGOT about my problems! I woke up the next morning with nothing but light, dancing thoughts in my mind. It was SO very wonderful ...

I invited (The Father of My Child) to the Christmas party and when he asked the date, he had other plans BUT he was considering it anyway. I honestly felt privileged that he was even CONSIDERING me instead. Usually, it would be a "Sorry - I have plans" type of answer. When I said it out loud (to some friends), I said "I was honored to be worthy of his consideration" ... I KNOW I hurt him when I walked away from 'forever', but do I really have to place myself SO low to regain his trust and love???? I did this to myself and I don't like what it's doing to my self esteem. This is NOT a positive thing!

My birthday was probably one of THE most low-key (but BEST) EVER ... (some friends came over) and we laughed and laughed. I was positively breathless when they left. It was WONDERFUL ... so I was up and wide awake when My Oldest came home ...

... he was utterly drunk ... His friends were shushing him and one even came up and apologized. When I told  him HE wasn't doing anything ... he just looked at me very kindly and said sorry again. I think he was sorry for what My Oldest was shouting ... All I could hear was My Ex Husband down there ... I'm TOTALLY at a loss as to WHAT to do ... He's bringing back an element of my past that I can't and won't put up with again ....

My doctors appointment is Monday. She booked me in for a long appointment, so I wonder if I can look to her for a little guidance ... I need to talk to someone ... maybe my Dr. can at least ... listen? answer my questions?? help me??? I don't know. I'm trying so hard to just be patient and let things unfold and see what God's plan is ... Now I must make choices I can live with for the rest of my life ....

This is too much sometimes ... I need more of him (the father of my child) than he has to offer. This is just NOT a good situation ....

Dance lesson #3 is in one hour! Thank goodness! I need to let go of some of this "stuff". I need to walk into a fresh world, untainted by the real world's worries and frustrations and hurts ...

           ... and this too, shall pass ...

And so it did.

It was the best of times ... it was the worst of times. But we endured and thrived. The seeds that were planted in that one particular week changed the course of my life forever.

I'm grateful for that journal I kept before I blogged.