Saying No

I have found myself "saying no" an awful lot in the past few days. It's a little bit frightening to me because this is not my way.

Okay, it was only three times. But it was three times within a 24 hour time frame. Once every 8 hours. That was a pretty high ratio. Especially since my 'just say no' ratio usually runs about 1 in every 20 (or not at all).

After the third 'no', I started shaking a little bit. Was I over using the word? Am I lazy? Selfish? Fearful of the unknown? Or just a bit too over extended?

The first 'no' should have been: "Can I think about it and call you back?" But I was feeling overwhelmed with my work at the time.

My typing job has been keeping me busier lately. My bookkeeping job has ebbs and flows. I have had no work available for 3 days out of 7, for the past 2 weeks. So I have been working on the weekends to make up for time lost during the week. The last week and the first week of the month are a frenzy of work. It has been my habit to start panicking about not having enough hours to pay the bills right about this time each month (there's only one week left and I still need to work ____ hours to pay next month's bills).

Then I received a call out of the blue from the school that I attended. Would I be interested in a part time job (possibly 9 to 15 hours a week) as a facilitator at their school? The hours may be from 1:00 to 4:00, but the schedule and times would vary ...

I heard 1:00 to 4:00 and immediately my head went to the one daycare child that I still have in attendance. The after school program at our school was scheduled to start on the 20th but there has been no news yet. They need to find and hire someone to run the program (maybe I should apply for that??). So I still have one child here after school until the after school program gets going (then this child will only be here before school). My Youngest enjoys the freedom of having friends over after school. I don't want him having friends over unless I'm at home. Being at home for these 'little things' was the reason that I wanted to work from home in the first place.

Next, my head went to the piles of boxes (for my bookkeeping job) that were surrounding me at that precise moment. I was knee deep in my latest 'project'. There is still so far to go to get our year end work done. The work arrives in bits and snatches, but when the work arrives I like to know that I can work steadily until it is complete.

My typing job has been keeping me busier than I anticipated (which was a very good thing last week because I was sitting idle a lot, with my bookkeeping job).

Did I have time to add a third job into the mix? I briefly described my present job situation to this employer who called me and I politely declined the offer. I said that I would be more than interested to diversify my experience and I would really like to take advantage of the opportunity once I got things running on some sort of schedule with my bookkeeping job. But for now? I just can't.

I hung up the phone and wondered. Why did I say that? Why did 'no' come so easily? Why didn't I think about it? I would have enjoyed the challenge, I loved being in a learning environment.

Chances are, that I would have called back with the same answer. But I would have liked to have had the opportunity to ask more questions ...

The next morning, I had my day set out before me. I planned to work from 8:00 until 5:00 at my bookkeeping. I had worked at my typing job for 4 hours on Saturday and I was pretty certain that I could count on a full, uninterrupted day at my bookkeeping. I was wrong.

The phone rang - it was my typing boss. "Can you come in?" My answer is always "Yes ... when should I be there?" This time I said "I'm up to my ears in my bookkeeping work at the moment ..." He paused and stammered and said it would only be 2 hours. I said yes. I guess technically, this was not a no. But I wanted to say no. I just about said no. I made him work a little for a yes. So I'm counting it.

The third call came that afternoon (actually it was an email). I read the email at 5:30 - after a day of frantically working at my bookkeeping, running out to work at my typing job for 2 hours, coming home and eating lunch while I worked so that I wouldn't lose any more time (or momentum), so that I could cook supper and be out the door by 6:45 p.m. to go to my F.I.T. class at 7:00. My bookkeeping boss suggested that she could come over that night to go through some of the questions that are piling up. I said, "I have plans tonight ..." We arranged for her to come over last night instead (it didn't happen - she said this won't really work until a weekend and the next two Saturdays are completely booked up for me).

I hung up the phone after I said 'No' for the third time in (just over) 24 hours. What was happening to me? Should I call her back and tell her I'd cancel my plans for the sake of work? No! Again ... no was my instinctive response.

Work is overruling my life (when I have it). Free time comes when I least expect it. I don't mind that for a day ... but three days in one week, two weeks in a row is a little excessive when I know that there will be a payback time.

This is the reason that I have arranged my life to keep myself busy in the evenings. It keeps me motivated to work during the day. By supper time, I know that my work is done and the evening is mine. To ensure the evening is my down time, I have made my evenings busy with things I want to do.

It has been working like a charm. I have been motivated to cook supper. Real food. A meal that consists of meat and vegetables. I love a structured life. A life where I work during the day, sit still while I have supper and the evening is mine to do as I choose.

Saying no is a necessary step to regaining some balance and control over my days. Saying yes to me, activities I need and enjoy and my family is what I need to work on.