Children aren't born with user manuals. Even if they were, each set of instructions would be unique to the child despite the fact they came from the same genetic pool of options their siblings were created from. The instructions would change by the minute and one outcome would not guarantee the next. And, even if each child arrived with their own set of specific instructions, it would not account for the parent changing, learning, evolving or simply being an imperfect being.
We are not hard wired for perfection. Life is action/reaction based. Despite the vast amounts of information on raising children available to us, I believe we are imperfect humans doing our best in an ever changing climate.
As I sit and write these words, the errors of my ways during my parenting years flash before my eyes. I was a young, inexperienced parent with my first child. I was a more mature but still evolving parent with my second. I was pretty laid back with my third child. I was three different parents to three different children. The child I was raising and the person I was in a specific moment in time was ever evolving.
Now that my children's ages range from 20 to 40 years, I have reached a point where I can relax a bit and simply enjoy the adult human beings I have known since the moment they were born. I am grateful to say I enjoy my adult children. As I watch them navigate the world I am pretty pleased with the citizens they have become and the lives they are creating for themselves.
I look at the variables in place as I raised my young family. What I once deemed a setback, I now see as lesson my children could utilize to overcome obstacles as they lived their life forward.
While my children didn't do without, they grew up knowing there was not an excess of money to be had. Each of my children took this and it became a tool to either ensure they were in a better financial position ... or believed there was a way out of their existing financial crisis ... or simply made spending decisions based on what money they had in the bank.
My children weren't raised in a home with a father. One knew their father too well and that didn't bode well for his future. A second came to know that same father and as an adult, he applauded me for walking away from that life and creating the home he grew up in. That same son told his youngest brother to appreciate and acknowledge the dad he had. My third son had a different father and despite the fact his dad and I parted ways, he acknowledged his son on special occasions and tried to keep in touch. Young children often don't appreciate what they have. I was grateful my middle son nudged his younger brother to not only keep that door open, but walk through it and reciprocate his father's kindness.
I never saw single parenting as a disadvantage. Not when parenting together would have created such dissension that it would have affected our children in a negative manner.
I have spent my parenting years confessing my parenting sins to friends, family and other parents. The more honest I am, the more I hear an echo of a different version of the same story. We are all learning as we go. Reacting the best we can despite all outside factors. We all want the best for our children. And I truly believe we desperately want our children to know we have done and are doing our best.
As I navigated my day yesterday, I crossed paths with a dad who sounded like he could use a little moral support. I met this dad while I was running my daycare and I still have his child's Daycare Information Sheet (a form I had each parent fill in, so I would have likes/dislikes; medical/emergency contact information; and simply any kind of knowledge to help me get to know the child). Of all the information sheets I collected over the years, this dad's compilation of information stood out. He adored his child, knew him so well and his world revolved around being the best dad he could be for his (then) four year old child.
I took a picture of this sheet the dad filled out 18 years ago and sent it to him. His response was one that I think all parents should keep in their parenting handbook and remind themselves of when the going gets tough:
"I really miss those days. So I need to make decisions knowing that someday I'll think about today and say 'I really miss those days' ".
The most profound parenting wisdom I've ever heard. It applies to parenting as it does to simply living life on a daily basis.
No comments:
Post a Comment