The Icy Patch

I thought that I'd take a brisk after-supper walk to the mailbox last night. I gave myself ten minutes to run there and back ('House' was starting at 7:00) and I thought the extra push to walk (run) a little faster would maximize the effects of those ten minutes.

I started out at a healthy pace. I crossed the street and thought I would jog as long as I could. Then I held out just a little bit longer. I set a goal to push myself just a little harder so I was uncomfortable when I slowed down to a brisk walk.

I stopped running just short of my goal. A handful of steps after I stopped running, I hit an icy patch that was disguised by a light dusting of snow.

I went down. Hard. I didn't get up for a few seconds. The wind was knocked out of me and my letters flew out of my hands and into the snow around me.

When I got up, I knew something was going to hurt later on. At the time I didn't know if it would be my hand or my shoulder.

I kept walking, eventually brushed the snow off of me and made it to the mailbox. Mission accomplished. So I turned around and made my way home.

I decided to jog just a little (I was still trying to get home by 7:00). But I was pretty careful around any patches of snow that could be hiding another icy patch. I never did push myself as hard as I did before I went down.

The icy patches of life. We don't see them coming ... and WHAM!, we are down for the count.

If we are lucky we can get right back up on our feet, brush ourselves off and carry on. Other times, we may get up a little slower and have a bruise, a sprain or broken bone. Any time we can pick up and forge onward, we are blessed. What if ... what if you hit that patch and you didn't get up?

The last time I went for a long walk, the sidewalks were treacherous. You could see the ice. You could feel it with every step. I didn't fall. But I didn't enjoy the walk either. I didn't see any of the world around me because I was too focused on the icy conditions.

You can't go through life fearful of that which you don't see. You miss too much when you are worried about the hidden perils beneath your feet.

You can tread carefully, 'dress for the weather' and enjoy the walk despite the conditions. But you must keep 'walking'. Be mindful of the weather, but enjoy your stroll through life.

That's where I went wrong yesterday. I should have left the house five minutes earlier and simply savored the mild winter conditions and the lightly falling snow. I should have enjoyed the world around me instead of racing through the moment.

In all likelihood, I still would have hit that patch of ice. But I wouldn't have come home and wondered when I would start breathing normally again. The influx of heart activity plus breathing in cold, winter air was a shock to my system.

Once my lungs thawed out, my breathing returned to normal. My shoulder is a little stiff this morning, but that's pretty minor in the whole scheme of things.

This little tumble made me appreciate those who trek down these streets in the line of duty. Our paper, flyer and mail carriers. Those who must rely on their own two feet to get them where they need to go in a day. Kids who walk that route to school ...

There is so much to be enjoyed as we walk through the streets of our lives. We cannot live in fear. We should endeavor to appreciate the small moments along the way. That which we cannot predict ... it can happen to anyone. At any time. Nothing in life is guaranteed. But what kind of life would we live if we were fearful of that which we cannot see?

Two Boxes Down ...

I did it. I finally did it!

I conquered My Son's bookwork for the year 2011. His papers are organized, the numbers are tallied and I have summarized his year to the best of my ability. He is ready to go off to see the tax-man.

I am a bit of a perfectionist, so playing with numbers is a challenge that I rather enjoy. Right and wrong. Black and white. Checks and balances. And the ability to pack it all up in a box and put it behind you when you are done.

Conquering those boxes made me feel as though I had scaled a mountain.

In my life of unfinished business, it feels good to reach the summit from time to time. I forgot how good it feels.

Touched by an Angel

"A courageous and loving man went to his heavenly home to be with our Lord yesterday ..."

Ever felt an angel's breath in the gentle breeze?

A teardrop in the falling rain?

Hear a whisper amongst the rustle of leaves?

Or been kissed by a lone snowflake?

Nature is an angel's favorite hiding place.

~Terri Guillemets

A very good friend of mine lost her father yesterday.

Her only request was no food or flowers please. "Instead go give someone a hug, share a coffee with a friend, listen to the stories of a family member or just say thanks to a stranger.  My dad would have loved that and so do we."

I am powerless to do any more than to pass along her most fervent request. Please take my friend's words to heart today and treat the people you meet in your life with a smile, kindness and gratitude that her father lived. Every day.

How Much is Too Much?

A blog author that I follow has recently announced her and her husband's decision to end their marriage. This is an author that has written through the challenges that they lived as their child confronted and survived cancer. More recently we have walked with her through her own personal recovery of massive strokes which she was not expected to survive.

I wholeheartedly understand where she is coming from when she says to withhold this information (about her marriage), after her readers have been with her as she walked through some of her darkest days, would feel dishonest. I believe that she will never know the difference she has made in many people's lives because she has had the ability to put in words, what so many others are feeling.

In every post that I have read, I have felt her honesty. I have not felt her vying for pity in any way, shape or form. I cannot ever recall her blaming anyone or anything for her struggles. Writing is her way of dealing. I get that. Because I feel exactly the same way.

I have a few personal rules that I try to adhere to when I write in a public forum.

I make every attempt to write truthfully and in a way (that if I am referring to another party), that party should not take offense to what I have written. Maybe they wouldn't like what they are reading ... but I do not throw out accusations. So if they are squirming, it would be because they recognize a truth that is uncomfortable to confront.

I do not write about something when my emotions are raw. Recently I shocked those who know me best, when they had been following my blog looking for clues as to how things were going with a specific situation. And they didn't see it coming. I truly felt like a success as a 'blog author' when I didn't cross the line and bring my personal life into public view before I had the opportunity to rationalize the situation and write about it without the emotions that I felt at the time.

I write carefully when referring to those who touch my life. I am liberal with compliments and focus on the positive traits of those close to me. When it comes to my children, I withhold a lot of information.

At one time, I wrote about My Oldest and his comment to me was, "You put that out for all the world to see??" I immediately removed the post. Within a day, he asked me to repost it. I had told 'his story' in a way that he had never been able to talk about and he wanted to share that with those that he trusted. He has followed my blog (intermittently) ever since ...

My Second Son reads this blog on a relatively regular basis. I believe that my honesty has opened the door to many conversations that we may have never had otherwise. He has read little stories about life-that-preceded him (or his memories) and felt an emotional tug. He tells me when something I have written touches him (positively and negatively). And I listen.

My Youngest doesn't really care about my ramblings at this point of his life. But from time to time, I will write a little bit about him and show it to him. And he quietly smiles. Sometimes I think that he doesn't think that I 'get' him. Until he reads what I  have written. Then there is a little sigh of relief that is evident, as his demeanor changes and I get the feeling that he knows I am listening after all.

I write honestly about my life. I am who I am ... and I cannot undo the past. So I write about it. I have come to terms with it and I appreciate the value in the lessons learned from the challenges that I have overcome.

While I was living some of my 'darkest days', I felt very alone. Now that the emotions are not acute, I feel that there is value in writing about some of those days ... on the chance that it could help someone feel less alone and validated in the emotions that they are coping with.

I once commented on a post that another blogger wrote about. I was so grateful for a broader understanding and compassion that was one of those 'unresolved issues' of my past. Yes, it brought back an acuteness of emotion within me as I recognized a truth that I was too young and naive to understand at the time I was living it. I read and fully comprehended what she wrote when I was in a position to fully understand it. She apologized for unearthing those emotions. I thanked her for it. I read what I needed to read ... when I needed to read it.

And that ... is why I write so much.

I will continue to write what I feel, when it moves me. It never ceases to amaze me when someone comments on a blog that I just about didn't publish. My brain to fingertip connection has come up with some posts that I have questioned. My subconscious mind seems to come out in my writing. So I will keep following my own unwritten rules. But I will continue to write honestly.

Back in the Saddle

I have worked three consecutive days this week. At the same school. I am booked to work there today as well. That is four out of five working days. It has been marvelous!!!

I have learned more in the past three days, than I did in the first two months at the first school I worked at.

Granted, there was a pretty steep learning curve going into my original school. I did not have a secretarial background. I took courses and had a determined 'I can figure this out' attitude. I took those tools and that was all that I was equipped with, when I walked into a brand new work environment where I didn't know the lay of the land, the rules or the expectations. So I'll give myself a bit of a break. For the first month.

Originally, I was not in an environment where I had the opportunity to grow. Since that time, I have felt a little bit like a bird who has been tossed out of his nest and forced given the freedom to fly.

It has been a frightening ride. But what I needed to learn is: how to think on my feet, become adaptable and to learn to rely on myself to find the answers. Yes, I have called around and found out what I needed to know. But the quest for the answer and figuring things out put that new found knowledge in a longer term memory block in my brain. The harder you have to work for an answer, the more likely you are to remember it.

Over the course of the past three months, I have been placed in situations where I thought I was in over my head. And I have succeeded.

I have heard little nuggets of positive feedback, so I know I'm headed in a good direction. I'm no different than a small child. I need some encouragement. Not false hope or illusions. Just tell me what I'm doing right. But also tell me what I'm doing wrong, so that I can fix it.

This week has felt like the ultimate turning point. I have been working in a high school, doing the job that I was originally hired to do. And I'm doing it!

Being tossed into a high school environment has been a little bit like getting back on the horse that tossed me off and kicked me while I was down.

Well! I got back on that horse and I'm headed where I want to go. And if that horse bucks me off again? I will get right back on and learn what I need to know to decrease the likelihood of letting it happen again.

"When you're young and you fall off a horse, you may break something. When you're my age, you splatter." ~ Roy Rogers

I am grateful that I didn't splatter.

Then There is Reality

I've been focusing a lot of energy on my hopes-and-dreams lately. And that is a good sign. Because I lose my ability to dream when my day-to-day reality is sucking all of the energy from me.

My reality feels pretty okay right now.

Work. That has been my greatest challenge. The story is long and old. Currently things are not ideal ... but they are inching their way to a better place. I see signs of things to come. When I work, I have been surrounded by positive energy and encouragement. The only thing that I could hope for, would be to work more consistently.

Friends. Oh my gosh! Friends!! I have surrounded myself with people lately. My outings usually consist of coffee &/or a meal and I am usually home within three hours or less. But it has been good for me to push myself out of the house and into the real world (among friends). Perhaps this month was a little over-the-top due to my lack of working days. Thankfully I did have a positive to outweigh the negative.

Family. Even though My Youngest quietly chided me about being out of the house so much (three nights in a row does not feel right in any capacity ... and it was after the third night that he voiced his thoughts), but we always have our nightly before-he-goes-to-sleep chat. I think he forgives me. I have had opportunities to visit with each of my older sons one-on-one. So all in all, my family life feels calm and content.

Quiet time. I suppose I have probably had too much quiet in my days. But that solitude served a purpose. It pushed me out of a thinking mode, into a doing mode. And that is a good thing. I like being alone with myself. Free falling thoughts and the ability to hear them without the chaotic background of life always brings me to a better place than I was when I started.

Finances. Into one's life, a little rain must fall. It seems inevitable that all things are not going to be ideal at the same time. So I am very grateful that the rest of my life feels in balance. It makes dealing with this one challenge a little easier to bear. I knew it was going to be a tough month. I expect this upcoming month will be more of the same. I have had a back-up contingency plan. I'm grateful that I didn't need it before. Because it is going to come in handy right about now.

In the past, this financial state of uncertainty would have taken an emotional toll. Logically, I know that things have to change. From some deep 'knowing' place, I feel that they will. In this state in between those two places, I can envision different solutions.

The logical answer would be to get a 12-month position within the school system that would bring income stability. The greater part of me hopes that I can find a way to make a 10-month position work for me. That has been my plan all along.

This is where my dream comes into play. If I can make this work. If I can find a way to earn an extra source of income doing something that I love to do ... and something that I can do anywhere ... the sky is the limit. At least as far as where I hope that I can go.

While my reality is perhaps not perfect, it is in a hopeful place. I am emotionally grounded in all things important. Family, friends, work and my state of mind are all in a very good spot. I am so well grounded, I have gained the ability to dream once again.

Each and every time I lose that ability to look into the future with hope and anticipation, I know that something in my life is dragging me down. My reality is in such a good place right now, that I have regained my wings.

Life is good.

My Dream Garden

I have been 'planting a few seeds' this past little while. Out of the many seeds strewn, one has peeked its head out of the soil. At this point, I have no idea if it will survive or not.

I dare not pin all of my hopes on one seed. I have to give it a little bit of time to grow on its own and gently water as needed. And wait.

I must remember that I have planted many other seeds and one never knows how long one may remain dormant before it springs to life.

I must keep planting. I must look to diversify my garden and try different seeds in different locations. One may take root where I least expect it. I'll never know if I don't try.

But this one seed that has peeked its head above the soil has brought hope. Another seed made me consider possibilities that made me believe that if I follow this path, expand my ideas and shoot for the moon ... it could enable other dreams to come true.

What if ... this seed one small piece of the puzzle? What if ... I keep finding other pieces that fit? What if ... two of my dreams collide and create one big picture? What if ... this is just one small piece of the garden of my dreams?

Think. Believe. Dream. Dare.

~ Walt Disney