The Winds of Change

I have started and deleted this post four times. I cannot find a dominant thought as my head is already fast-forwarding to the day ahead of me.

I know a little of what to expect today. While that is reassuring, it is also a little daunting.

My life is full of that right now. I see what is on the horizon. I recognize where I am at right now. It is exciting, but also a little overwhelming.

My mind is consumed with all that is going on. My fingers do not know where to start.

So I will do what must be done. I will take this one day at a time. It is all that anyone can do. I would like my chaotic mind to settle in and focus on one thing at a time.

I need to get grounded so that I have a solid place to launch off from. The ground beneath me is shifting. It is unsettling but I know it won't last.

Any change,

even a change for the better,

is always accompanied by drawbacks and discomforts.

~Arnold Bennett 

Plowing Through

I feel a sense of unease within me that I cannot shake off. I have been carrying this around with me since the weekend and it isn't dissipating.

A great deal of angst surrounds my newest venture-out-of-my-comfort-zone. Writing for an audience outside of this blog is only slightly terrifying to me at this very moment. I have yet to experience this sensation without an important life lesson around the corner. It could be good. It could be bad. At the moment, I am hovering somewhere in the vicinity of 'oh-my-gosh-what-have-I-done-this-time?!?!?'.

What is even more nerve wracking is the fact that my mom asked me to write something for a family member. I think I wrote too much into something that should have been kept very simple. I want to take it back and redo it. Where is my real life undo button?

I need to have a difficult conversation. This is a relationship where I have stopped investing my energy and I am a little bit bitter and confused that it has come to this. Again. I hope the right words come to me when I need them.

I am booked to work for the next three and a half days. I know where I am going! I am going to be working at a school that I thoroughly enjoyed. Yet I have a case of nerves that is annoying me. Maybe it is because it means that I have to deal with the onslaught of snow that is falling in our fair city, along with the masses of others making their way to destinations unknown.

It is March and I simply want to stay in hibernation.

I want to work from the safety and security of my own home. I don't want to deal with life outside of these doors.

I want to surround myself with people who are uplifting. I don't want to be dragged into the arena with someone who brings me down.

I want this uneasy feeling to go away so that I don't bring it into my writing. My fingers will not ignore what my subconscious mind is feeling.

As always, I know that I must plow through all of this. Because the answer that I didn't realize that I needed is always at the end of this journey.

The answers are right around the corner. I know it. I must plow through this blizzard and come out the other side unscathed. That is all there is to it.

Nothing

I just wasted two valuable days that I will never get back.

I didn't do anything noteworthy. Nothing. I finished reading a book.

I didn't push myself to do anything. Nothing. I wrote a little something that my mom asked me to write. That is it.

I didn't eat anything that was good for me. Nothing. I ate donuts, cookies and Pringles on Saturday. And cookies and Pringles on Sunday. Oh ... my achin' stomach!

I didn't do 'Ten Impossible Things Before Lunch'. I did nothing before lunch (if you call cookies and Pringles lunch?). Well I guess I did something. I bathed. I showered. I should give myself credit for that.

I didn't do anything that mattered this weekend. I didn't push myself. No pain ... no gain.

I have 24 hours sitting here in front of me. It is time to do something. Anything!!

Don't Stop

This past fall, I was seriously worried about the state of my brain's well being.

Granted, I was in the middle of some pretty intense transitional job stress at the time ... but when I sat down and wrote exactly what concerned me my symptoms were not new. I could look back and see that my brain-power had been slowly but surely slowing down over a substantial time span.

I was not only confused about what month we were in ... but the season. At one point I almost called someone who issued me a cheque. I was certain that they had accidentally dated it August 2nd when it should have been February 8th. I thought long and hard about it. Walked away and came back to it. I was at the point where I was beginning to look up the phone number that I would have to call to have the cheque reissued, when I all of a sudden realized that it was actually August. Not February.

My ability to speak coherently was faltering. I was coming out completely wrong and inappropriate words. I preferred writing over speaking because I had time to collect the proper vocabulary before communicating it.

I was getting to the point where I was irritating friends and family with my forgetfulness. Verbal conversations were hard for me to recall; I found that I was beginning to rely on the ability to reread an email to assist my memory. There was one entire conversation that left my consciousness for a spell. It did come back, but I needed to quite literally pry it out of the recesses of my mind.

I was taking classes and finding it harder to keep up with the class &/or retain the information that I just learned in order to write an exam.

My brain-to-hand/body messages were becoming very sluggish. I was dropping things. I found myself standing still and 'tipping over'.

I was losing my ability to multi-task. I couldn't keep two concurrent instructions in my head at one time.

I was overwhelmed by input and my inability to keep up. To say that I was scared is a little bit of an understatement.

I was overwhelmed with new-job-stresses. I was in a state of inner panic and turmoil. I was sobbing uncontrollably at inopportune moments. It was not a good place to be.

I had no choice but to continue to forge ahead and keep moving in a forward direction. I needed a job and I had to bulldoze my way through all of this. Thankfully, that worked for me.

Fast forward to today.

I am not only surviving at my present job ... I am starting to show signs of thriving.

I have not only retained that which I have been taught, but I have relearned the art of thinking on my feet. The wider a person's knowledge base is, the easier it is to look beyond the obvious and see a solution.

Tunnel vision and learning a brand new job are synonymous in my mind. You do truly have to zero in on what you have just learned  to try and make your way through a new situation.

You can't have an overwhelming amount of new information tossed at you at one time. You need to start with the basics and layer new data onto what you have learned. The layering effect enhances what you have just learned and adds to that. When you are doing a job that you could do in your sleep, you sometimes forget how long it took you to get to that point.

The more you know, the more you can do on auto pilot ... leaving your mind open to the ability to multi task. You not only gain the ability to layer new information, but additional tasks onto that which you are beginning to do automatically.

When your brain starts working at full speed, it starts to feel like a well oiled machine. Parts that had been inactive start firing back to life.

I have found the words that I need are now usually on the tip of my tongue. I amaze myself with my (returned) co-ordination. The neurons firing within my brain allowing me the ability to think on my feet also seem to have heightened my reflexes. I still drop things ... but man! You should see the way I'm catching them before they hit the ground!

My recall is back to where I expect it to be. If I am not mistaken, I believe my son even commented on how this has improved.

In retrospect I can see that not fully utilizing my brain for an ongoing period had hampered my ability to jump into new situations and survive. Dare I add the fact that I am also not getting any younger into that equation?

I am fortunate. My brain needed to be dusted off, exercised and lubricated a bit before it was ready to kick back into action.

What if ...

What if this had been a degenerative issue where it wasn't as simple as that? What if my ability to recall and remember was cumulative and it became progressively worse over a long period of time? What if my ability to learn was seriously impaired? What if the messages that my brain sent to my body got slower and did not recover with use?

I am grateful for a situation which brought this to light. What if ... I had continued to go down a path where I under-used my brain and my body to a state where it couldn't be revived so easily?

Don't stop learning. Don't stop moving. Don't stop ... you just never know how easy it may be to re-start again. That may not be the end all answer for a degenerative condition ... but it certainly can't hurt to keep one's brain and body active. Learning, moving, 'doing' and being around people enhances your life. Just keep moving ...

Life Hands You What You Need

I love my little ruts. I like to change them up a little from time to time, but once I get into a comfortable routine I like to sit back and enjoy the ride.

Perhaps I was getting to used to feeling comfortable. Maybe I needed life to hand me a lesson that I wasn't looking for. And it did.

I thought that leaving one line of work and forging into a completely different environment was enough of a challenge for me. I wasn't expecting an entire new set of life-lessons to be thrown my way within the first few months of that transition.

When it was suggested that I take on a substitute-secretary role at the schools, I felt my knees go week. How in the world would I survive in a world where every day was a new day without adequate training to get me through my days? I could be called to any school in the city and the likelihood of working without assistance in the office was very high.

I was tossed into a world where I wake up in the morning not knowing if, when and where I may be called to work. To say that this has been a shock to my system would be an understatement.

I am almost five months in to this new world of mine and ... I can't believe that I am saying this ... this has been exactly what I needed.

I have learned so much more than 'my job' throughout this time.

I have learned to be adaptable. Every school is unique. Each office I work in is set up differently. I can honestly say that (to this day) when I walk into an office and cannot even find a pen, I quietly begin to panic. If I can't find a pen ... how will I find anything??!???!

What I have learned is that once I become acclimatized to my surroundings, the rest comes easier. I begin to find my groove as I work within the environment that works for someone else.

I have learned to think on my feet. Nine times out of ten, the answers are logical if I just take a moment to think it through.

Not having someone to ask has taught me to think independently and look for my own answers. Ask ... and you (may) forget. Search ... and you will (most likely) remember.

I have been forced to explore our city. I have been to every corner of the city and travelled on roads that I have never seen before.

I had forgotten how scary this was to me until I found myself wanting to leave (yet another new school) at lunch yesterday. I wanted to go in a different direction than I had arrived and suddenly I was afraid of finding my way back.

I knew my fears were unfounded and irrational. But the thought of leaving a trail of bread crumbs so I could find my way back, was not entirely illogical to me at that moment.

Each and every time I push myself out of my comfort zone, I learn. I needed this. I needed to be uncomfortable so that I could get where I needed to go.

As much as things are different in every office and every school ... there is much that remains the same. The phones, the computer system that the school works within and the basics of running an office.

I can see so clearly why I needed this. It is no wonder that I was lost at sea at my first school. I had so much more to learn. Yes, I could have learned a lot of it there. But not this much.

I have learned more than just my job these past months. I have learned to expand my thinking, spread my wings and fly on my own.

They did toss me out of the nest. But it was what I needed. Who knew?

What has life handed you that turned out to be a blessing in disguise?

This Week Verses Last Week

During my most recent vacation, I was very conscious of how I spent my time, money and gas.

I had one week (nine days when you include the weekends) at my disposal with no income coming in throughout that time.

Nine days is a nice little piece of time to work with. Oh!! The places I could have went! The people I could have seen ....

But I was on a budget so I refused to let my mind wander and think of all that I wished that I could do. I focused on that which I could do at little or no cost.

I have been avoiding a lot of things around home lately so I knew that I could make quite a dent in my to-do-list with nine days at my disposal.

I worked at a leisurely pace and did what I set out to do. The days passed by very quietly. I received few emails and the phone was (almost) silent. I received very little 'input' from the outside world and I maximized on my output. It was exactly what I needed and wanted to do with those days.

I rarely left the house. I ran four quick errands and went out or met up with people on three occasions. Gas consumption was minimal.

We did splurge on take-out a few times. I kept track and we spent under $65.00 throughout the entirety of my holiday. While that still sounds like a lot, it isn't bad when you consider that was the grand sum total of all frivolous holiday spending. Normally when I am on holiday mode, it is take-out all the way. I was pleased that we reined it in.

I reflected on my holiday and was pleased in every sense of the word. I did what I set out to do. I felt a sense of accomplishment and I did not overdo in any capacity. I didn't overspend. I didn't oversleep. I didn't waste my time. It was a perfectly paced week.

Fast forward to this week. I have worked three out of four days (it is presently 6:49 a.m. and I haven't been called in to work today ... but this could change). I was out of the house after supper three out of four nights (it could have been four out of four but I was completely exhausted last night). We ate take-out food for supper three out of four nights.

The car has consumed almost twice as much gas in half of the time. We ate out three out of four working days this week. I have been out of the house three times as much in four days than I was over the course of my nine days off. Granted, I was working for two thirds of that time ... but I was working at home during my holiday.

The moral of this story?

When I am working outside of my home I spend a considerable amount more on output. In every sense of the word. I compensate with take-out food and lack of energy after hours.

Working from home invigorates and fulfills me. Less satisfies more of me when I spend my working hours being productive from the comfort of my home.

I must find a way to earn a living from home. I am ever-so-tentatively making my way. The contrast between the last few weeks has shown me just how much I want to steer my life in this direction.

Enough said. I got the call and now I must head out of the house. Again. There is work to be done and bills to be paid. A girl's gotta do what a girl's gotta do ....

A Bonus Day!

Leap year. It comes but every four years. One bonus day tucked into a regularly scheduled year. We get 366 days for the price of 365!

One extra day every four years. If you live to age 80, that is twenty bonus days that you don't have to add to your age. Almost a month. For free!!

If you get paid by the hour ... bonus! You just got a bonus of one day tacked onto your annual pay cheque. Sorry, if you are a salary wage earner ...you just had to work an extra day for free. It isn't all sunshine and roses.

Which means there is an inevitable downside to the bonus day as well. One extra day of wages to pay your employees. One more day of utility usage to pay for. Yada, yada, yada.

There is always a flip side. To every positive, there is a negative. But we do have a choice on which side of the coin to focus on. I choose positive!

According to my budget, I really needed to work yesterday. But I didn't get called in. Did I have control over that situation? No. If it had been a regular 28 day month of February, I wouldn't have had the opportunity to work. So I took my bonus day and made the most of it.

I happened to be sitting at the computer when a second paper officially took me on as a columnist for their weekly paper. Since I knew they were sitting at their computer, I picked up the phone and called. We had a most excellent conversation and I feel that there is a possibility that a few more doors may open because of that conversation. A conversation that I wouldn't have had, if I had not been home enjoying my Leap Year Holiday.

A slight bit of elation snuck into my day at that point. I had the day off of work and I was floating on air. Where do I most want to be when I'm having that kind of day? At the dance studio!

I called before they opened and left a message. I wondered if perhaps I could squeeze in a lesson yesterday ... but if not, that was okay. I would still get to talk with them when I booked a lesson for any other time.

Luck was with me. I got to book a dance lesson at 1:30 yesterday afternoon. When I asked myself the question, "When something wonderful happens in your life, who do you want to share the news with?" I knew my answer. I wanted to share my news with my dance instructor and dance with joy.

I talked with a few friends. I went out for a celebratory supper. I came home and came up with a third column for the first paper that hired me.

It was a day full of bonuses. Little things that would have happened March 1st, if this year wasn't a leap year. But because yesterday was a day that comes but once every four years, it truly felt like the gift that it was.

Happy Leap Year!! If you didn't celebrate your extra day yesterday, do it any time throughout 2012. You have all  year to take advantage of this once-every-four-year offer!