No matter where you are at in your life, there is only one direction to go. Forward. The sun keeps rising and setting upon our days and we must find our way through.
Some times it is easier than others. To have a life that you love living makes each day an adventure. To me, waking up excited about the day that I am about to live is about as good as it gets.
Other times, it is just another day to put behind you. Going through the motions, putting in a day and marking time doesn't breed the same satisfaction. A lot of days are just like that. Sometimes those are exactly the kind of days that we need. A neutral day as we segue from one challenge onto the next.
Then there are the days when you would rather stay in bed with the covers over your head. A day that is marked by an ache in your heart &/or soul that simply can't be filled with food, sleeping, spending, drinking or your own personal vice. It feels like today could be one of those days ...
I have an ache in my soul for no apparent reason. I am empty and I don't know which way to turn to fill that void. I don't even recognize the reason why I feel this way. Perhaps it is best wrapped up by saying that my emotions are simply magnified. Fear of failure/rejection/criticism trumped by the fear of giving up. I am travelling into new territory so I suppose these are healthy and natural thoughts.
I am craving many things but I don't know which way I will turn. I just knew that the moment that my feet hit the floor this morning, that I was grateful that I hadn't stocked up on junk food. I cannot binge on fats, salt and sugar (at least this morning!). In fact, I just wandered by the grocery list and added some fruits and vegetables that I have been craving to that list. The tides are shifting ...
I do believe that I am going through some growing pains, that is all. I look ahead and the ground is unstable. And I am a little bit scared.
But there is only one way to go. Forward. So .... on I grow!
Saturday, March 17, 2012
Friday, March 16, 2012
Hitting a Wall
I feel like I'm up against a wall lately (visions of Pebbles Flintstone continuing to go through the motions of crawling even though she has run into a wall waft through my mind).
I walked out of work yesterday and felt disappointed. It has been a week where I have not been alone in the office. So I have been asking questions. Lots of questions. I have horrible flashbacks about asking too many questions and not advancing in my job. I have been bringing that into my dreams at night. That was then. This is now. What I have realized is that I feel better about myself when I figure out things on my own. I make small advances every time I survive one of those tough days. This has not been one of those weeks.
Then there are my feet. They are slowing me down to a crawl.
I received a notice of some upcoming Zumba classes that I would love to take. Of course there is the money situation which must be considered. But the real reason that I have not taken any more classes? My feet. I have one pair of shoes that I can wear without irritating my toes. If I go for walks in these shoes, it irritates the corns on my toes. As long as I utilize them for work and gadding about tending to life, I can make do. Any extra curricular activity and my toes are inflamed and even those shoes are uncomfortable.
Which brings me to dancing. Dancing ended at the same time as my full-time employment did. Since then, I have booked two, half-hour lessons in the middle of a day that I was not working. Just because I could and I was in a mood too good to be wasted not dancing!
Last night I had a lesson at my (previous) regularly scheduled time, which was followed by a group class and practise session. My feet were aching in new and improved ways well before the practise session started. But there was an eager, new dancer there who wanted to practise what he had learned. And who am I to say 'no' to an invitation like that?!!
He was young, full of energy and an experienced bollywood dancer. At one point, he told me that he didn't have to work today, so he could have gone all night. I laughed and said that I definitely felt that he could! My body could have went on much longer ... but it was my feet that were aching to stop.
(I just YouTubed bollywood and found this: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=P-H6z6m3Y_Q ; they are dancing in their bare feet! Maybe this is something that I should look into ...)
Then there is the whole 'money' thing. I am quite honestly not earning enough to cover my expenses right now. I got through January and February thanks to Christmas gifts, charitable acts and donations and my income tax refund. Spring break (another unpaid week of holidays) and summer vacation is right around the corner. I must come up with a plan.
I have even hit a wall with my writing. I need to bring life and new experiences into my days so that I have something that lifts me up and out of this place I am in and I have something new to write about. My thoughts are highly recycled and reused ideas. I am so bored with my own thought processes that I put myself to sleep.
I recognized a red flag last night as I struggled to stay alert until I left the house at 6:40 p.m. to go to my dance lesson. There was nothing that I wanted more at that moment, than to climb into my pj's and curl up on the couch. It is a sad, sad day when an evening of doing absolutely nothing trumps dancing!
Are these just excuses? Or are they obstacles begging to be overcome so that I can find a new plateau? Or am I being stopped in my tracks so that I have the time and inclination to tend to that-which-I-have-been-ignoring for the past few years? Like spring cleaning and writing a book.
Energy begets energy. Lethargy begets lethargy. I think that my answer is clear. I just have to act on it.
I walked out of work yesterday and felt disappointed. It has been a week where I have not been alone in the office. So I have been asking questions. Lots of questions. I have horrible flashbacks about asking too many questions and not advancing in my job. I have been bringing that into my dreams at night. That was then. This is now. What I have realized is that I feel better about myself when I figure out things on my own. I make small advances every time I survive one of those tough days. This has not been one of those weeks.
Then there are my feet. They are slowing me down to a crawl.
I received a notice of some upcoming Zumba classes that I would love to take. Of course there is the money situation which must be considered. But the real reason that I have not taken any more classes? My feet. I have one pair of shoes that I can wear without irritating my toes. If I go for walks in these shoes, it irritates the corns on my toes. As long as I utilize them for work and gadding about tending to life, I can make do. Any extra curricular activity and my toes are inflamed and even those shoes are uncomfortable.
Which brings me to dancing. Dancing ended at the same time as my full-time employment did. Since then, I have booked two, half-hour lessons in the middle of a day that I was not working. Just because I could and I was in a mood too good to be wasted not dancing!
Last night I had a lesson at my (previous) regularly scheduled time, which was followed by a group class and practise session. My feet were aching in new and improved ways well before the practise session started. But there was an eager, new dancer there who wanted to practise what he had learned. And who am I to say 'no' to an invitation like that?!!
He was young, full of energy and an experienced bollywood dancer. At one point, he told me that he didn't have to work today, so he could have gone all night. I laughed and said that I definitely felt that he could! My body could have went on much longer ... but it was my feet that were aching to stop.
(I just YouTubed bollywood and found this: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=P-H6z6m3Y_Q ; they are dancing in their bare feet! Maybe this is something that I should look into ...)
Then there is the whole 'money' thing. I am quite honestly not earning enough to cover my expenses right now. I got through January and February thanks to Christmas gifts, charitable acts and donations and my income tax refund. Spring break (another unpaid week of holidays) and summer vacation is right around the corner. I must come up with a plan.
I have even hit a wall with my writing. I need to bring life and new experiences into my days so that I have something that lifts me up and out of this place I am in and I have something new to write about. My thoughts are highly recycled and reused ideas. I am so bored with my own thought processes that I put myself to sleep.
I recognized a red flag last night as I struggled to stay alert until I left the house at 6:40 p.m. to go to my dance lesson. There was nothing that I wanted more at that moment, than to climb into my pj's and curl up on the couch. It is a sad, sad day when an evening of doing absolutely nothing trumps dancing!
Are these just excuses? Or are they obstacles begging to be overcome so that I can find a new plateau? Or am I being stopped in my tracks so that I have the time and inclination to tend to that-which-I-have-been-ignoring for the past few years? Like spring cleaning and writing a book.
Energy begets energy. Lethargy begets lethargy. I think that my answer is clear. I just have to act on it.
Thursday, March 15, 2012
What About the Children?
The past few weeks, I have thought a lot about Dad's oldest brother's family. Kind of all-over-the-map thoughts.
There was a dredging up of the past that I didn't want to dwell on. All I could think about was here and now. I believe that was the correct place to focus my energy.
Now that the dust has settled, I continue to think of this family. A family affected by divorce, remarriage, step parents and half siblings.
It is the children that are thrown into the mix of all of the above that has grasped my attention and won't let go.
Twenty years ago, I walked away from remarriage and a blended family situation because I was afraid that I was not up to the task. I felt there was a high risk of children being hurt.
If I was to become a step parent, I would want to be like a certain step dad that I know and admire. I ran the risk of hurting innocent children. My own children were at risk of being drawn into the vortex. I had a flash forward of what could happen to all of the children involved. I walked away and I know without a doubt that it was the right thing for me to do.
I don't know if Dad and My Uncle were watching over me from above and steering me away from a decision that had the potential of exploding and hurting innocent bystanders ... but in looking back, it seems as though they could have been. I remember My Uncle once telling me (shortly before I was married) not to go ahead if I had any doubts. That time, I didn't listen ...
Step parenting when you have your own children cannot be easy. I haven't lived it. I have only lived outside of it. The step dad that is my hero, did not have his own children to bring into the marriage. Knowing the stand up kind of guy that he is, I question whether that would have made a difference. It is one factor that may have helped ...
A few days ago, I spoke ever-so-briefly to the step child of the other party involved. She said almost nothing. But what she said will stay with me. She didn't have good memories about that time of her life either.
When parents bring a brand new baby into a loving home that already has a child or children, it is complicated enough. A child that has been the center of their parent's universe must now share their parents, their home and the rest of their life with this brand new intruder. How must it feel to be a half grown child be thrown into a new family situation without any control and told they must accept this?
Marriage and divorce is tricky business. It seems to be a fact of life these days. I've been there and done that. Separating a family brings up a volatile mix of emotions and scenarios. It's bad enough when it is adults hurting adults. But what about the children?
I have been far from a perfect parent, but I am relieved to know that I made a few decisions in my life that were in the best interests of my children (and other children involved). I didn't risk my heart in doing so. If I felt my children were at risk, my heart became detached.
Maybe that makes me cold and heartless in the ways of love. I have found what is best for my children, has been the best for me. When I didn't value myself to make good choices for myself, I valued my children. I believe that saved all of us.
There was a dredging up of the past that I didn't want to dwell on. All I could think about was here and now. I believe that was the correct place to focus my energy.
Now that the dust has settled, I continue to think of this family. A family affected by divorce, remarriage, step parents and half siblings.
It is the children that are thrown into the mix of all of the above that has grasped my attention and won't let go.
Twenty years ago, I walked away from remarriage and a blended family situation because I was afraid that I was not up to the task. I felt there was a high risk of children being hurt.
If I was to become a step parent, I would want to be like a certain step dad that I know and admire. I ran the risk of hurting innocent children. My own children were at risk of being drawn into the vortex. I had a flash forward of what could happen to all of the children involved. I walked away and I know without a doubt that it was the right thing for me to do.
I don't know if Dad and My Uncle were watching over me from above and steering me away from a decision that had the potential of exploding and hurting innocent bystanders ... but in looking back, it seems as though they could have been. I remember My Uncle once telling me (shortly before I was married) not to go ahead if I had any doubts. That time, I didn't listen ...
Step parenting when you have your own children cannot be easy. I haven't lived it. I have only lived outside of it. The step dad that is my hero, did not have his own children to bring into the marriage. Knowing the stand up kind of guy that he is, I question whether that would have made a difference. It is one factor that may have helped ...
A few days ago, I spoke ever-so-briefly to the step child of the other party involved. She said almost nothing. But what she said will stay with me. She didn't have good memories about that time of her life either.
When parents bring a brand new baby into a loving home that already has a child or children, it is complicated enough. A child that has been the center of their parent's universe must now share their parents, their home and the rest of their life with this brand new intruder. How must it feel to be a half grown child be thrown into a new family situation without any control and told they must accept this?
Marriage and divorce is tricky business. It seems to be a fact of life these days. I've been there and done that. Separating a family brings up a volatile mix of emotions and scenarios. It's bad enough when it is adults hurting adults. But what about the children?
I have been far from a perfect parent, but I am relieved to know that I made a few decisions in my life that were in the best interests of my children (and other children involved). I didn't risk my heart in doing so. If I felt my children were at risk, my heart became detached.
Maybe that makes me cold and heartless in the ways of love. I have found what is best for my children, has been the best for me. When I didn't value myself to make good choices for myself, I valued my children. I believe that saved all of us.
Tuesday, March 13, 2012
A Single White Rose
… Condolence, Remembrance and Hope ...
There are many ways of losing a loved one and one loss often does not prepare us for the next.
Where there is life, there is hope.
Where there is a hand, we can hold it.
Where there are words, there is the hope we can spark of an old memory.
Where there is communication, there may be laughter.
Where there are eyes to look into, there is a window to the soul.
Where there is love, there is eternal life.
When you carry the memories of someone precious in your heart and share them with those who touch your life, you feel their spirit within you.
Hold onto the hope
Hold some one's hand
Savor your happy memories
May you find laughter among the tears
Look into the eyes of another ... you never know what you will see
Cherish the love, the memories and all that was good
Share it with others ... so that your loved one may live within your heart forever.
"When someone you love becomes a memory, the memory becomes a treasure."
~Author Unknown
There are many ways of losing a loved one and one loss often does not prepare us for the next.
Where there is life, there is hope.
Where there is a hand, we can hold it.
Where there are words, there is the hope we can spark of an old memory.
Where there is communication, there may be laughter.
Where there are eyes to look into, there is a window to the soul.
Where there is love, there is eternal life.
When you carry the memories of someone precious in your heart and share them with those who touch your life, you feel their spirit within you.
Hold onto the hope
Hold some one's hand
Savor your happy memories
May you find laughter among the tears
Look into the eyes of another ... you never know what you will see
Cherish the love, the memories and all that was good
Share it with others ... so that your loved one may live within your heart forever.
"When someone you love becomes a memory, the memory becomes a treasure."
~Author Unknown
Monday, March 12, 2012
Writer's Block
I had every intention of sitting down and letting my fingers do some talking on the weekend ... but I didn't like what they were saying. So I deleted what I started to write and thought that I would come back and write when my thoughts were a little more coherent.
I do believe that I must simply sit down and let my fingers say what they want to say. I have been working hard at stifling negativity in my days and I feel the struggle in my writing. While trying to be cautious with words, I am quietening my inner thoughts and there seems to be a dam forming in my mind. The positive is fighting to get through but there are simply too many other thoughts preventing the free-flow of words.
I came across this article on the weekend "How to Deal With Negative People". If you are fighting negative vibes in your days, I highly recommend clicking on the title and perusing the article. I found situations very close to home within several points.
One day I will decipher my thoughts and write more. But for the moment, my best advise is to check out the article. If negativity is a factor in your life, cloak yourself with an invisible shield of armor and don't let someone else's words break through your protection. Easier said than done ... but there are nine other strategies to consider. Be strong!
I understand that everyone has a right to their own thoughts and feelings. But no one has a right to attack your inner sense of harmony. This slow but steady trickle of negativity has my hackles up. The 'fight or flight' mode has been triggered ... and I'm not going anywhere.
Enough said.
I have a mish mash of thoughts pinging around in my head lately. Work stuff. Life stuff. Family stuff. Friend stuff. 98% of it is good stuff. I am working at plowing my way through the 2% of negative stuff so that I can go to town and let the positive words come forth!
I'm working on it. I'm not sure when I'll get there, but it won't be long. I'm on my way ...
I do believe that I must simply sit down and let my fingers say what they want to say. I have been working hard at stifling negativity in my days and I feel the struggle in my writing. While trying to be cautious with words, I am quietening my inner thoughts and there seems to be a dam forming in my mind. The positive is fighting to get through but there are simply too many other thoughts preventing the free-flow of words.
I came across this article on the weekend "How to Deal With Negative People". If you are fighting negative vibes in your days, I highly recommend clicking on the title and perusing the article. I found situations very close to home within several points.
One day I will decipher my thoughts and write more. But for the moment, my best advise is to check out the article. If negativity is a factor in your life, cloak yourself with an invisible shield of armor and don't let someone else's words break through your protection. Easier said than done ... but there are nine other strategies to consider. Be strong!
I understand that everyone has a right to their own thoughts and feelings. But no one has a right to attack your inner sense of harmony. This slow but steady trickle of negativity has my hackles up. The 'fight or flight' mode has been triggered ... and I'm not going anywhere.
Enough said.
I have a mish mash of thoughts pinging around in my head lately. Work stuff. Life stuff. Family stuff. Friend stuff. 98% of it is good stuff. I am working at plowing my way through the 2% of negative stuff so that I can go to town and let the positive words come forth!
I'm working on it. I'm not sure when I'll get there, but it won't be long. I'm on my way ...
Friday, March 9, 2012
Little Things ... They All Add Up
I am just a tiny bit elated this morning. I wouldn't appreciate this sensation if every day felt this way.
This past week has not been one of my better ones. No real reason. Little things, added up may be the best way to sum it up. The dawn of another Friday which will propel me forward into the weekend is a very good place to start.
I had a most exceptional day at work yesterday. No real reason. Just little things, all added up to a very good day. I like days like that.
I came home and had a thoroughly enjoyable evening. I visited with a few friends on the phone. We chatted about life in general. Nothing big. Just little things, that added up to some most enjoyable conversations.
We made some tentative plans. We have something to look forward to. Something on the horizon. Nothing big. Just little things made special because you are spending time with a good friend.
Suddenly the balance that I have been craving all week is shifting back to a state where work and stressful thinking doesn't trump all that is good in my life. It didn't take much. Just little things ... to get me back to where I wanted to be all along.
We wouldn't appreciate what we have if we didn't have to work a little to attain it. Weeks like this are good for us. Just keep looking towards the horizon. Savor the little things, because they all add up.
Happy Weekend, Everyone!!!
This past week has not been one of my better ones. No real reason. Little things, added up may be the best way to sum it up. The dawn of another Friday which will propel me forward into the weekend is a very good place to start.
I had a most exceptional day at work yesterday. No real reason. Just little things, all added up to a very good day. I like days like that.
I came home and had a thoroughly enjoyable evening. I visited with a few friends on the phone. We chatted about life in general. Nothing big. Just little things, that added up to some most enjoyable conversations.
We made some tentative plans. We have something to look forward to. Something on the horizon. Nothing big. Just little things made special because you are spending time with a good friend.
Suddenly the balance that I have been craving all week is shifting back to a state where work and stressful thinking doesn't trump all that is good in my life. It didn't take much. Just little things ... to get me back to where I wanted to be all along.
We wouldn't appreciate what we have if we didn't have to work a little to attain it. Weeks like this are good for us. Just keep looking towards the horizon. Savor the little things, because they all add up.
Happy Weekend, Everyone!!!
Seize the day,
Seize whatever you can ...
Because life slips away just like hourglass sand.
~ Carolyn Arends
Thursday, March 8, 2012
Living For the Weekend
Is it because I am back in school (working) again? Or is anyone else out there counting down the days to the weekend?
Last week, my work-week energized me. I found myself surrounded by people and situations that motivated me. Student counsellors, principals and teachers were a great source of inspiration. I ended the week on a high note.
This week, it has been more 'all about the job'. My work days have taken a lot of energy out of me as I try to figure out how to prioritize my responsibilities in a manner so that I can effectively do my job.
Tuesday, I learned how to do somethingright better ... by doing it wrong inefficiently first. I took that lesson with me into Wednesday.
Wednesday, I didn't have my priorities figured out. I started my day backwards and moved forward through it. I survived the day, but the morning was a bit of adisaster learning curve.
Today (Thursday), I will take the lessons learned from Tuesday and Wednesday and have a better day.
Friday, the students have the day off of school which means about 90% of my current responsibilities will be unnecessary. Friday frightens me more than the rest of the week combined.
Each week is full of surprises. Each school has its own set of challenges. I would rather work hard, than have to try and fill my day trying to look busy.
My week is defined by work. Therein lies my problem. I need to add an extra dimension to my weeks.
Whether it is devoting an hour of my evening towards our family's history book ... connecting with a friend ... cleaning a cupboard ... or running an errand to free up the upcoming weekend. I must do something besides come home, eat supper, read until I get weary and then fall asleep on the couch.
I need to regain some balance into my life.
Monday - Friday is defined by work. Will I work? Where will I work? Will I know what to do when I get to work? I can't wait to get back home after a day of work.
Saturday - Sunday is not defined. I have a vague idea of what I want to accomplish with those days but I tend to go with the wind. Sometimes the wind takes me exactly where I want and need to go. Other times there is no wind and I sit idle and waste those two precious days.
Balance (to me) = work + fun + family + friends + sense of accomplishment + alone time
I thrive on a sense of accomplishment. I need to bring that into my day no matter what day of the week it is (or if I am called in to work or not).
Talking with friends and family stimulates my mind, gives me an opportunity to sort out my thoughts and regain a sense of perspective by listening to others. There is a give and take to those conversations that invigorates me.
I savor the solitude in my day. I wake up early to ensure I have time to listen to my own thoughts and (usually) write my way into the morning with a cup of coffee at my side.
Routine. As much as I crave it, I love the ability to be spontaneous. The freedom and ability to do something on a whim adds a dimension of excitement into my life.
Balance. Seven days a week. That is my goal.
I may still count down the days to the weekend, but I will not fritter away five days in the hope of making up for it on the weekend. Seven good days are better than two.
It is time to go forth and make the best of what is left of this week.
Last week, my work-week energized me. I found myself surrounded by people and situations that motivated me. Student counsellors, principals and teachers were a great source of inspiration. I ended the week on a high note.
This week, it has been more 'all about the job'. My work days have taken a lot of energy out of me as I try to figure out how to prioritize my responsibilities in a manner so that I can effectively do my job.
Tuesday, I learned how to do something
Wednesday, I didn't have my priorities figured out. I started my day backwards and moved forward through it. I survived the day, but the morning was a bit of a
Today (Thursday), I will take the lessons learned from Tuesday and Wednesday and have a better day.
Friday, the students have the day off of school which means about 90% of my current responsibilities will be unnecessary. Friday frightens me more than the rest of the week combined.
Each week is full of surprises. Each school has its own set of challenges. I would rather work hard, than have to try and fill my day trying to look busy.
My week is defined by work. Therein lies my problem. I need to add an extra dimension to my weeks.
Whether it is devoting an hour of my evening towards our family's history book ... connecting with a friend ... cleaning a cupboard ... or running an errand to free up the upcoming weekend. I must do something besides come home, eat supper, read until I get weary and then fall asleep on the couch.
I need to regain some balance into my life.
Monday - Friday is defined by work. Will I work? Where will I work? Will I know what to do when I get to work? I can't wait to get back home after a day of work.
Saturday - Sunday is not defined. I have a vague idea of what I want to accomplish with those days but I tend to go with the wind. Sometimes the wind takes me exactly where I want and need to go. Other times there is no wind and I sit idle and waste those two precious days.
Balance (to me) = work + fun + family + friends + sense of accomplishment + alone time
I thrive on a sense of accomplishment. I need to bring that into my day no matter what day of the week it is (or if I am called in to work or not).
Talking with friends and family stimulates my mind, gives me an opportunity to sort out my thoughts and regain a sense of perspective by listening to others. There is a give and take to those conversations that invigorates me.
I savor the solitude in my day. I wake up early to ensure I have time to listen to my own thoughts and (usually) write my way into the morning with a cup of coffee at my side.
Routine. As much as I crave it, I love the ability to be spontaneous. The freedom and ability to do something on a whim adds a dimension of excitement into my life.
Balance. Seven days a week. That is my goal.
I may still count down the days to the weekend, but I will not fritter away five days in the hope of making up for it on the weekend. Seven good days are better than two.
It is time to go forth and make the best of what is left of this week.
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