A Day Off!

What a beautiful, glorious morning! Not only was I not scheduled to work today ... I was not called in to work at the last moment either! Now that the morning is shifting into afternoon, I think I can relax.

I read a week-old paper ... I wrote a card and letter that I intended to write a week ago .. I found an alternate income source that is one step towards enabling myself to quit 'Job #2' ... I made a few phone calls ... I puttered.

I need unstructured time to rejuvenate myself from time to time. Today is one of those days. Now that I've nurtured myself for a few hours I'm ready to leave the house and take care of a few other things that I have been putting off during this seven-day-in-a-row stretch of work.

Ahhh ... I feel the pressure subsiding. It's amazing what a day off can do for a person.

The Fence

Our fence is in dire need of painting. Again. It is a fence that goes on forever and 'lucky for me', only one small side of the yard is shared with a neighbor. So I have the privilege of painting both sides of it. It feels like an endless task.

It has been five years since it was last stained. Five years since I painted memories into those boards that I knew I would never forget.

A long time relationship ended during the time I painted that fence. I can look at a section of the fence and remember what I was thinking and feeling as I painted. I can remember being afraid that looking at that fence would forever be a reminder of the pain that I painted through.

Five years ago I was in a deep, dark place. Five years ago I pulled myself up and through it (with a little help from my friends). Five years ago I started to rebuild my life. Five years ago I had no idea where that life transition would lead.

That transition proved to be the best thing that could have ever happened to me. The rebuilding process led me to a place that I would have never guessed possible.

A person never knows where life is going to take you. You just have to keep taking small steps in a forward direction and make slow and steady progress ... and you come through the other side. Usually in a better place.

I looked outside the window this morning and looked at the section of fence where it all began. Five years ago.

I am back to where I was five years ago. It is cyclical. The highs. The lows. Starting over. Rebuilding. I've been through the process before. I recognize the landmarks. It is different, but it is the same.

I must keep taking those small steps in a forward direction and I will come out the other side of this. Probably in a better place than when I started.

Thank goodness for the memories that I painted into our fence. They reminded me of the cycles and rhythms of life. And the fact that I always come out the other end more compassionate, a little wiser and always in a better place than where I started.

Maybe it's time to paint the fence again ...

Follow Through

When you think you should do something ... follow through and do it.

I cannot think of a time when following through on a whim to call, write, email or drop in on someone didn't end with the comment, "I'm so glad you called".

Just the other day, I called my cousin to see if he was up to some company. I sensed the hesitation in his voice before he replied, "Yes, sure ... come on by" so I backtracked and said we could do this another time ... but he insisted. So I did.

I wouldn't have had the courage to pick up the phone and call him, had his sister not encouraged me to do so last weekend. I always worry when a friendship feels lop-sided and one person is calling or suggesting to get together more than the other. So I usually back off for a while and see how things play out. All I needed was a little nudge and I felt that it was okay to tip the balance just a little.

Each of us had had one of those days where you are uncertain if you are going to be good company. Each of us spilled a little of the contents of our minds on the table. Each of us felt better for releasing some of our thoughts into words and bouncing them off of another person. At the end of our visit, I think both of us were grateful for the opportunity to talk with each other.

I called my cousin on the day I felt 'lost' and didn't know which way to turn. I quite literally thought that no one was strong enough to carry me through the moment that I was in. When I drove off to no where in particular, I ended up driving right past his house when my car finally turned around and headed in a direction that was homeward bound. I was parked by his house when I called him. When I didn't know where or who to turn to ... my cousin came to mind.

Our dads are brothers. His dad died in 1980. My dad died in 1987. When little coincidences bring me together with someone that my dad could be 'co-existing' with in a world that is not my own ... I often wonder if he could be watching over me and guiding me to a place I need to be. When I end up in a place where someone else's parent could be watching over them in the same manner ... I wonder. Are these little miracles are bigger than they appear?

When you feel an overwhelming urge to reach out to someone ... do it. You never know, you may have an angel on your shoulder guiding you to exactly where you need to be. For yourself and for the other party ...

I Thought I Was the Only One ...

Friendship is born at that moment when one person says to another: 
"What! You too? I thought I was the only one."

~ C.S. Lewis

I can look back on the evolution of my friendships and feel the moment we connected. The 'I thought I was the only one' moment in time when something clicked and a friendship began.

Some friendships are based on where you are and who you are with. School friends. Friends of significant others. Work friends. Friends through kids, sports or social activities. These friendships are vital yet often they don't travel outside of their perameters.

I didn't realize how important Work Friends are ... until I didn't have them.

This year in transition has been harder to endure than I care to admit. It wasn't until I read this quote "Those who say they have no real friends at work have only a one in 12 chance of feeling engaged in their job. Conversely, if you have a "best friend at work", you are seven times more likely to feel engaged in your job." (from Tom Rath's book "Vital Friends: The People You Can't Afford to Live Without") that I finally realized that perhaps there is something far deeper going on here.

When you don't connect and make friendships within your work community, it is hard to feel like a vital member of the 'family' that encompasses the biggest part of your day.

I know that I thrive and grow when nurtured by those that sprinkle the words "I remember what it was like when I was new ..." and "I felt the same way ..." When you feel like a duck out of water, it helps to hear that you are not alone. A friendly voice and compassion as you feel your way through a new situation is like a life preserver. It may not help you learn to swim, but it gets you to shore safely during a crisis.

"Let friendship ring. It might look like idle chatter, but when employees find friends at work, they feel connected to their jobs. Having a best friend at work is a strong predictor for being a happy and productive employee." ~ Time Magazine (on Rath's "Vital Friends: The People You Can't Afford to Live Without" book release)

Friendships aren't built in a day. But the opportunity to capitalize on those moments of you find yourself thinking "What! You too? I thought I was the only one ..." are all around us.

Friendship Quote

When we honestly ask ourselves which person in our lives mean the most to us,

we often find that it is those who,

instead of giving advice, solutions, or cures,

have chosen rather

to share our pain

and touch our wounds with a warm and tender hand.

The friend who can be silent with us in a moment of despair or confusion,

who can stay with us in an hour of grief and bereavement,

who can tolerate not knowing,

not curing,

not healing

and face with us the reality of our powerlessness,

that is a friend who cares.

~ Henri J.M. Nouwen

Lost

I have been wandering around like a little bit of a lost soul this past while. I have been frantically grasping for air, trying to keep afloat as I have felt a deep, dark undertow trying to pull me under.

I have been feeling low enough that I had an honest conversation with someone and admitted that I could not encourage our friendship because I needed to be around positive people. I felt that this relationship brought me down.

I have been drowning at work. I have internal anxiety attacks on a regular basis and I feel like I am falling apart at the seams. Yet people around me are complimenting me on being 'cool under fire' or handling a situation well. I am grateful that people don't see the weakness that has me shaking under my skin. I guess that I am perfecting the fine art of faking it until I make it.

But ... I finally did it. I fell apart after a day that unravelled me.

I have known that I needed to spend time with myself for a very long time. This has been one of my goals this summer. To just give myself the gift of 'time'.

When I found a movie that I wanted to see after work the other day, I dashed out of the house and barely made it to my seat in time. It felt a little bit wonderful to sit alone in a darkened room and lose myself for a few hours.

It was what happened when I walked out of the theatre that I wasn't expecting. The anxiety enveloped me and took over. I was walking through Zellers and I could barely contain myself. I wanted to run for the nearest exit but I didn't. I finally made it outside and breathed the fresh air around me.

It wasn't enough. I needed to get to the car. I needed to enclose myself and shut out the world around me. I started to crumble. I needed to drive.

I had no idea where I was going, so I turned in a direction that didn't take me home. I drove. I cried. I shook. I leaned into it and felt all of the emotions that I have been suppressing.

I had no where to turn. I have friends all around me, yet I didn't want anyone to know the extent of desperation that I had been containing.

If I would have had the home phone number of my boss, I would have called and quit work. Right then. It was the source of my immediate anxiety. It keeps me awake at night. It is not rewarding. I'm embarrassed to say that I work there. I don't want anyone to see me in my uniform. I avoid the store like the plague if I am not at work.

Yet I cannot quit. I need this. It is possible that I need this job more than I even know ... because my future at my other job is completely up in the air. I have no idea what the fall may bring. This uncertainty is like nothing that I have ever known.

There has never ever been a time in my life when I felt that I could not go out and do whatever it takes to support my family. I feel it now.

I have started three new jobs in under a year. As a relief secretary, I have faced the potential of 'every day being another first day' for the better part of the year. I am completely uncomfortable waking up to face yet another new day. Every day. It is wearing thin.

I don't know what the answer is.

I feel incapable of starting yet another new job. The very idea of selling myself and telling someone that I can learn anything would feel like a lie. I don't know if I can. I have never doubted myself or my abilities to this extent. I have learned ... that maybe I cannot learn. Not the way that I expect myself to.

I have never, ever not wanted to work before. I do now.

How do you think that would look on a resume? Nope. I don't think that the time is right to start yet another new job search. I think that I need to look within and find who I have evolved into first.  

Dilemma of 'Want Verses Need'

As I prepared to flip the calendar month from July to August, I felt my heart start to race. Omigosh! Half of the summer is over and I have accomplished absolutely nothing on my Summer Wish List.

I am committed work at Job #2 until August 9th ... but after that point? I am weighing my options.

Option #1 - Take the two upcoming scheduled days off that I have and add three more days to that, giving myself the gift of Five Days. I played around with various ideas and one can do a lot with five days if you have a plan. Five days are good.

Option #2 - Be available to work the week following those Five Days and book off the last week before I must be available to work again at Job #1. This would be a compromise. I feel that one of the reasons that my second employer hired me was because I was available to work the summer. But the art of juggling two jobs with unpredictable hours has me craving some real down-time. A holiday.

Option #3 - Book the remainder of August off of my second job and tell them that I will be available to work weekends once again in September. I feel that may jeopardize my job because I am backing out of the commitment that I thought that I could make to them. This goes against everything that my conscience tells me is right. Other than that ... it is what I most want to do.

I must take that back. Because what I most want to do, is to quit that second job altogether. That would be Option #4. Quit and never go back.

I sent off three résumés yesterday. The very idea of starting yet another new job feels daunting to me. Yet continuing down the road that I am presently on, for an undetermined amount of time, is no less exhausting of an idea. 

1. I do not want to have to be available to work seven days a week!
2. I do not want to wake up each morning and wait for the phone to ring and dictate the direction of my day.
3. I definitely need and want a full-time job!
4. I believe that I could start over and learn (yet another) new job ... if the reward was a full-time position.

If I could just one wish granted, it would be to attain the goal of that elusive full-time position at the job that I already have. It could happen. It may be a bit of a miracle ... but it still could happen. It is just a matter of when. And can I wait that long?

In the meantime, the dilemma within is raging. Do I pursue what I want at the risk of letting go of what I need?

May the correct answer please reveal itself to me? Please?