"Are You Really Trying to Bug Me??"

Man! The little things are bugging me this week.

I could write a litany of all that is getting under my skin. The list is growing by the minute. What in the world is going on here? Is 'the world' really trying to annoy me? Or ... is it me??

I look at each and every little petty annoyance. None of it is new. Or different. Or bigger. Or anything out of what has become our ordinary.

I'm simply not rolling with the punches right now.

I'm in a state of transition as my work load has doubled during the day and (seemingly) doubled on the weekend as well. Add to that, the fact that I actually have friends that I would like to spend time with and a family that I would enjoy talking with ... and I am a little bit of a hot mess.

My little daycare family sees the best that I have to give. My patience levels have grown to levels I have never seen or felt within myself. Ever. But this seems to have come at a price.

If I don't get that little piece of quiet in the middle of my Daycare Day, I start to unravel. Slowly at first. Then all of a sudden ... POOF!! It is gone.

There are minor mini explosions as I let some of the pressure release. Then I quickly rein it back in and carry on.

My work day ends and I am depleted.

Then there is more to be done. I beg the phone not to ring. I don't check emails obsessively. I rarely dial out and reach someone...

There!! That is it! I found what has been missing this week ...

I have a friend that lives in a parallel universe of mine. It does not matter what in the world either one of us is going through ... we talk.

She has a daycare in her home as well, so we have become a little bit of a life line to each other. We talk of the inane, the important, life, kids, relationships and every little thing in between.

Each of us have the demands of our respective Daycare Families that take precedence over our conversation. But we have the sustenance of our our friendship that carries us through whatever is going on in our worlds. We talk openly about the little stuff that adds up (the big stuff too) and it never fails. We always (and I stress always) end up hearing on the other end of the (life) line, "You feel that way too??"

We each relieve a little tension with this open and honest friendship. And it has been missing this week. I think I know who I  need to call.

Maybe the whole world isn't out to ruin my day after all.

The Cat is Mocking Me!

I admit it. I'm lagging behind. Taking care of two more children during the day has doubled my workload, tripled my impatience and quadrupled my exhaustion. I can't keep up with everything if I still want to log the sleep that (I think) I need to do it all over again the next day.

And our cat is mocking me.

I woke up yesterday morning to Junior Cat playing a rousing game of kitchen-floor hockey with an Alpha Bit that was abandoned on the floor from snack time (the day prior). "Mr. Fussy Cat ... I didn't sweep the floor after snack yesterday. I thought it was much more important to leave you a puck to practise your paw-handling skills (he looked like a cat version of Wayne Gretzky)." Personally, I was pretty impressed. Five children and all he could find was one Alpha Bit?!! Yay, team!! Way'd eat your snack all nice and neat! (I must have found and picked up the rest).

Then ... the same 'Wayne Gretzky-in-training-cat' started attacking the carpet like he was chasing an invisible rodent. Run! Hunker down and grab onto the carpet! Attack it! Chase it some more!! I went to investigate what Junior Cat was chasing. It was a strand of carpet. "No, Mr. Fussy Pants ... I didn't have time to vacuum yesterday. I meant to. Honest! But I like to give the snow a chance to evaporate before I vacuum it up and destroy (yet another) vacuum cleaner. I meant to. I simply forgot to remember to do it later!" More likely than not, our cat was probably the one responsible for the stray carpet strand to start with. And he mocks me for not vacuuming?! The audacity ...

As if this wasn't enough, Mr. Fuss Budget had to bring the mud in, from the back mat and start playing hockey with it as well (he lost the Alpha Bit beside the dishwasher and I wasn't telling him where it was). "No ... no ... no!! I didn't vacuum the back mat either! Besides, that is not even my dirt. Why should I have to clean it??" Yes, I was becoming child-like and petty. He was hurting my feelings as he was playing with all of the dirt that he seems to think he needed to bring to my attention.

If our Senior Cat was more playful, I don't think Junior Cat would need to dig up the dirt around here to have something to play with.

It is sad in a funny sort of way.

Junior Cat has stopped nuzzling his Superior, in an invitation to wrestle. He must have gotten his ears bitten one too many times. Now, he nuzzles the scruff of Senior Cat's neck and races past in the hopes of initiating a game of tag. Then he will pretend to want to bite Senior Cat's tail and race off. "Come on! Come and chase me!! Let's play tag!!!" Senior Cat is nonplussed about all of Junior's antics. He doesn't get mad. He just lets it roll off his back.

I think our Senior Cat is hurting. He doesn't complain. But he doesn't move very quickly either. My heart aches to see this gradual decline. And Junior Cat is throwing his health and vitality in my face by playing with all of our dirt. Double whammy.

I'm grateful for our two black kitties. I think if anyone could spark Senior Cat's energy and enthusiasm, it is Junior. And Junior is trying. He is trying to show Senior how fun life is when you simply play with whatever you find at hand and turn it into a sport.

Then again? Perhaps Junior is trying to trick me into doing the housework around here. Sad to say ... it worked.

Time Management

I would like to be a fly on my wall so that I could see what is happening around here from an outsider's perspective.

I seem to have lost all track of time management in my days. Before, during and after my daycare days begin and end.

I have set my alarm for a half hour earlier in the morning. Which translates into becoming exhausted an hour earlier every evening. Okay ... tell me where I am gaining productivity by waking early.

I have taken that extra half hour and lost it. I think that I can squeeze an extra hour of frittering into a half hour. Once again, am I losing time or gaining wasted moments?

I gave up make up last week in a move to gain five minutes in the morning and five minutes in the evening (the time that I figure I mess around with applying and then washing off make up). Well? I do believe that I've achieved the chronically tired look.

The five minutes that I think that I have saved applying make up in the morning, is spent taming the cowlicks and rooster tails and excess hair on the top of my head. Even though my hair is by no means long ... it needs to be thinned. The last time I told a hair dresser this, it cost me $78.49 and it took three months to grow back the hair that she 'trimmed'. Which brings me today. Ask me if I am just a tad fearful of hairdressers at the moment.

I write for an on-line publication which has become quite a challenge. They have changed up their design/format and I cannot seem to accomplish the simple task of posting a blog without ... resaving it numerous times (which has led to numerous identical posts). Each time I try to simply copy and paste a new blog post, I am inundated with problems. What should take fifteen minutes often takes me an hour. And I try to fit that into that half hour that I gained by getting up early.

Then ... I open up my Daycare Doors.

The past few weeks have been nothing short of a blur. Tending this particular combination of children takes up every moment of the day. I sat back and savored the moment at 8:00 yesterday morning. Everyone was happy. Everyone was in my eyesight. No one needed to be fed or diapered and no noses (in the millisecond that I took time to enjoy that moment) needed to be wiped. It was a glorious moment. And I spoiled it for myself by feeling like I should be starting to get our breakfast ready. I actually took time out of my precious day to write this statement: "8:00 a.m. Contentment reigns ... forgive me for simply sitting back and enjoying these fleeting moments". Then I made breakfast. And the spell was broken for the 9.5 hours that followed.

I used to be able to accomplish small things as I tended my young charges. Now? I don't even have time to go to the bathroom. I finally drank the dregs from my second cup of coffee (that I poured before 7:00 a.m.) at 5:30 last night. I couldn't believe how good that old coffee tasted. It tasted like ... freedom.

Mind you ... there are moments that I savor. Taking my work outdoors turns it all around. This is the scene that I basked in for a good portion of the morning:

Then came the non-existant synchronized sleeping time in the afternoon. I sat on the couch and bonded with my new little four-year-old girl. And it was good. Not good for my need-for-a-piece-of-quiet in my day ... but it was good for my soul. 

There are snippets of serenity in my days. Perhaps I've been spoiled prior to this because the quiet minutes aren't consecutive ones. Sleep has never felt so good. It is quiet. It is a solid eight hours. No interruptions. No short cuts. In fact, it is the only thing that hasn't suffered in this time mismanagement saga that I have told. Tacking on an hour on one end and taking a way a half hour on the other makes for a little longer night. And the way the days have been going, I'll take that added half hour of sleep. Just don't ask too much of me after 8:00 p.m. ...

Maintaining Patience

Do we have a finite amount of patience within us? When that patience is all used up on dealing with our day-to-day stressors do we snap at the merest provocation after that point? Is patience an acquired trait or is it a part of some people's make-up? Do we develop our patience as we go along? Or is it 'all of the above'.

I may have forgotten a time in my life when I became enraged over the smallest of things ... if it hadn't been for a time when I saw myself in a friend. She was stressed to the max. And then some. Then her children came into the room and simply started 'pressing her buttons'. She completely flew off the handle. I had been there. I had done that. She was running on empty and life kept coming at her. Her patience was less than nil.

At the time that I witnessed this interaction and slight break-down within my friend, I was so freshly out of those circumstances that I immediately recognized myself within my friend's reaction.

A person simply doesn't roll with the punches when they are dealing with more than they can already handle. It made me appreciate the serenity that I had fought for and found within my life. I was by no means perfect but I was so much better than I had been.

Raising children. Maintaining relationships. Worrying about finances. Taking care of a home, yard and vehicle. Working. Dealing with family dynamics. Health issues. Our lives are full of so many changing and evolving variables. When too many things start to feel like they are running out of control stress seeps into our lives. We tend to overreact to small stuff when the big stuff becomes too heavy.

I was not a patient young person. I have a litany of offences where I flipped out and got angry about something that was so inconsequential. Was there a back-story to these over reactions? Probably. But tell that to my young children. They will never know all that I was feeling when I wasn't one of those moms that are portrayed on TV and movies.

I have had far too many 'Mommy Dearest' moments ... and when I talk honestly to other parents that I know well, I get the feeling that I am alone. Hopefully I didn't tip the balance too badly when I was actively parenting my children so that these are the moments that they remember and focus on.

Why do I write this, this morning? Because I have changed.

I listen to the 'me' that I am when I tend my young Daycare Family. I cannot believe that I am the same person that I used to be. I have so much more patience than I have ever had before. I cannot stress enough that I am far from perfect. But I am so much better. Better is a step in the direction that I want to go so I will take it.

What is the difference?

I am older, wiser and realize that these moments pass. So I don't place quite as much emphasis on the little things. I am a great believer in not letting little things become bigger so I am still rather militant on my expectations within my young household. I don't let these little people run wild. But I'm not yelling at them all of the time either...

My after-hours life is calm. I don't have a lot of expectations within my world. My children are pretty much all of a self-maintaining age and stage in their lives. My parenting skills are not in great demand within my own little family, so I have more to give my young charges.

My life is very much in balance. I have a good, healthy mixture of work, family and friends. My home, yard and vehicle(s) are not overwhelming me. My finances are (finally!) in a spot where I can see the light. Good health surrounds my immediate family. I have no overwhelming concerns that are consuming a great deal of my energy.

The biggest stressor for me at this moment in time, is a lack of down-time or quiet in my day-to-day world. It adds up and I recognize when I'm becoming too overloaded. And (so far) I have been able to act on this and fix it before it becomes too big.

I just stole a weekend of quiet time. I found my quiet spot and revelled in it. I had many other things that probably should have taken priority but I'm glad that I was greedy and took time for myself. I needed it.

I could tell that it was the right thing to do when I caught myself looking at my little world from the 'outside, looking in' yesterday. There was a time when I couldn't have done what I am doing right now. I didn't have the patience for it. I'm so glad that I took a sabbatical from Daycare Part I when I did. I was overwhelmed and my patience levels were nil. But I am back. I'm better than I was before. I have not only found myself more patient ... but I seem to have fallen into a system of maintaining patience.

I have (finally) started to recognize what I need and when I need it, to keep myself, my emotions and my reactions in check. And I have (finally) started to take what I need to maintain my patience. For me? It is taking time for quiet reflection and solitude.

I cannot help but think of those whose answers are not so black and white. For young people who do not know what it is that they need to regain their sense of status quo. For addicts who reach for their drug of choice. For those who are mentally ill and require a delicate balance of medication to help their brain process life in a manner in which a lot of us simply come to expect ...

Maintaining patience sounds so easy. We are lucky when we have stumbled upon our magical equation that works for us. The equation changes daily. It isn't easy. It isn't one answer fits all.

I have no answers ... but I am beginning to recognize just how hard the simple things in life are for some people. I hope that they never stop seeking their own answers. I pray that they find their answers without turning to a cycle that could be destructive.

Maintaining balance is key. The rest falls into place easier when our foundation is firm. So much in life starts from that foundation...

"Happy Birthday Old Dog New Tricks"

I chose the name "Old Dog New Tricks" when I signed up to join an on-line daycare forum last year. I was pulling my hair out just a little bit and I thought that chatting with people who walked in my shoes would help me see things from a better perspective and perhaps learn some different/better coping mechanisms.

I never did have time to complete my thoughts and submit my question into the great big world of cyber space. Instead? I simply went with the flow of things and (sort of) figured things out as I went along.

Anyway (back to the title of this blog post), I woke up to a greeting from this forum entitled (you guessed it) "Happy Birthday Old Dog New Tricks". Those particular words all put together in one succinct phrase made me go "Hmmmm..."

Today is my birthday. I am not one who places great value on these non-events but the subject line of that particular email put a different spin on my outlook this morning. This year, I shall look back on the year that 'this old dog' just lived and see what 'new tricks' I've learned.

My Daycare World has come full circle. Only the circle is bigger and perhaps a little more three dimensional this second time around. Or perhaps it is 'me' that has grown.

Oh, I am still a far cry from the Mary Poppins figure that I see in my mind, as being the ultimate fun-loving care giver. The difference is that I forgive myself for not being able to do all, be all and encompass all aspects of perfection that I picture in my mind. I do the best with what I have ... and when I have a bad day, I stand up, brush myself off, examine how things could have been better, go to a quiet place in my mind (and in the house) and wake up the next morning determined to make it a better day. This is the best that I can do.

I have far more positive moments within my days than ever before. They may be crazy and hectic and loud and overwhelming at times. But I work with children. These moments are fleeting. I am learning to become more childlike in some ways. A child can cry like their heart is broken in a million pieces one moment. The next? They are back, living in the moment and joyous in whatever they are surrounded in. They don't hold grudges. I am learning from them. Bad moments don't last forever. The echoes of love, laughter and security reverberate long after the moment passes.

The words from a friend has known me for 'forever' ring through my mind. "You sound happy". We were talking to each other in the midst of a particularly trying day. My Daycare Day was challenging me but I was not defeated. In the midst of that very moment, she heard the difference in my voice. I am happy in this little world I have created for myself and my young charges. I am happy.

Last week is a week that may have taken me down in a different time and place. Not because of the week, but because I would have been looking too far ahead and thinking "I can't do this for forever". The reality of life is that 'forever' is unknown to the wisest of men. I have no idea what tomorrow will bring so I will not willingly bring 'forever' into my day (most especially when I'm having a tough one). I simply must get through the day. I admit that at this very moment in time, I have a bit of a heavy load. But I trust that one of three things will happen. I will get stronger as I adapt to the added weight. Or I will get wiser and find a way to lessen my load. Or 'life' will happen and the choice will be taken out of my hands and things will simply work out. They always do. Always.

The motto of this past year of mine would be the phrase from "The Best Exotic Marigold Hotel" - Everything will be all right in the end ... if it's not all right, then it's not yet the end.

In the midst of the worst of times, it is hard to hold onto and believe this little morsel of wisdom. But from the lessons that life has handed out to me, I have found this to be true.

I have had better years. I have had worse years. But I don't know if I can say that I have had a year where I have felt the serenity and trust that comes from simply believing that so many things in my life are completely out of my control. If I do the best with what I have... If I live a life which is enveloped in love, laughter and security.. If I do these two simple things and trust that all will work out in the end ... I am happy.

This old dog is learning some new tricks. The best trick of all is truly trust that it will all work out in the end.

“Most things don’t work out as expected, but what happens instead often turns out to be the good stuff.” - another nugget from The Best Exotic Marigold Hotel.

This ... Is What a Cat Day Looks Like

I am taking a station break from Cat Day Morning #2, to illustrate what Cat Day #1 looked (and felt) like:

Our Junior Cat looks on and supervises my 'Cat Day' ... DVD player (watching a Gilmore Girls episode of course)+ coffee + one black cat = Serenity

Computer at the ready + writing pad + (unseen by the camera's eye) Pringles + Twizzlers + (of course) an episode of the Gilmore Girls = Over the Moon

Junior Cat takes a more hands-off approach at supervising my cat day (or perhaps he is demonstrating that I should stretch out and really relax)

This ... is a cat at his finest. Junior Cat has taken it upon himself to snuggle up in the privacy and seclusion of my bedroom (and he is taking a lesson from me - it looks like he can't fall asleep without the background of the TV either)

Today is a new day. I have been enjoying the luxury of another Cat Morning. There isn't too much to write about as I live the life-of-a-cat but I will try to be more introspective today and see what I come up with tomorrow.

In the mean time, My Youngest and I have a plan:

1. He will back Car #1 out of the driveway and park it on the street.
2. He will assist me in tightening the bolts on Car #2's newly fixed tire.
3. We will both look at the puzzle which is: how to fit the jack and tire iron back into the trunk in a manner that will allow us to re-fasten the 'floor' of the trunk.
4. He will drive us down town and park the car ...
5. ... so that we can go and see the new 'Thor' movie.

Whew! It's going to be a busy day. I hope that I am up to it. And the best part is ... that there is still one more day of nothing-in-particular on the agenda.

I'm loving this Cat's Life!

Happy Sunday!!

It Feels Like a 'Cat Day'

Ahhhh ... it has been a glorious morning. I woke with my alarm (yes, it is still set for 5:00 a.m.) and I've been revelling in the quiet.

The house is just now starting to stir and I am tucked away in my 'far off' corner in the house. The door is ajar so the cats can come and go as they please and I hear activity in the distance. But I feel so quiet inside.

I just took a station break from this post and invited some friends over for supper. Details are pending but I think that there is a good chance that this could be a 'go'. They are friends that fill me up. Friends that replenish my soul. I believe it is a friendship where this feeling is reciprocal. It is worth pulling myself out of a 'cat day' for such an uplifting visit.

I have simply gone through the paces of my morning. Very slowly. Very quietly. Soaking up the moments. No matter where the day goes from here, I have had 'my morning'. I haven't had a morning like this in so long ...

A morning where I don't have to run out the door. A morning where my 'work' is waiting for me on my doorstep. A morning where I don't have to be any place, do anything or be anyone to anybody. It is simply a morning where I am accountable only to myself.

One tends to take moments like this for granted, when they happen on a regular basis. I have wasted many a day, simply spinning my wheels and doing nothing of importance or value on such a day. But is that time really wasted? Or is that time of dormancy a time when seeds are planted that will grow another day ...

I tend to believe that moments such as these are a requirement in healthy living. A time to recharge your energy supply is vital. In the hecticness of today's world there seems to be less and less recharging. And more and more running until you are on empty.

Take time to replenish your internal reserves when the opportunity arises. A little bit every day goes a long way. But every now and then? Take a lesson from a cat. Laze in a sunbeam, rest, relax and stretch. Doze in and out of consciousness, do what nurtures your soul and see how you feel at the end of it all.

I'm starting out the day with a purr. By the day's end? I just may "Roar" ...