Remembering

I'm feeling quiet this morning and reading stories about the events of this day, fourteen years ago. The thoughts I was thinking two years ago are the same thoughts I'm thinking this morning.

I remember how quiet the skies were that day and the days that followed. I remember how sad and eerie that felt. Our world changed that day.

From September 11, 2013:

I remember ... turning on the TV that morning and the slow realization that what I was witnessing was a live broadcast.

I remember ... sleepwalking through the day. I did what I had to do, with my eyes focused on the TV every available moment.

I remember ... wandering through the hallway of our home and appreciating the simple fact that I felt safe. We were going through a day just like any other, while our American neighbors were living a tragedy that touched millions.

I remember ... feeling gratitude. Gratitude for all the freedoms that living in our country allows.

I remember ... thinking that I would never forget. I would never take what we have for granted.

The world felt like a very small place. The tragedy of 9/11 brought to light that we are all vulnerable. Life as we know it can change in an instant.

I remember it well.

The End of a Season

I am complaining about summer coming to an end at every turn. On the other hand, I am so sick and tired of tending our ever-growing lawn. I seem to be failing to recognize the benefits of the end of the growing season, the end of the longer days and the end of the relentless heat.

It is time to shift my focus!

It had been one week and three days since we last mowed the lawn. We tackled that job last night. "That job" may have resulted in the biggest argument my Youngest Son and I have ever had, Ever. So the fact that if we just have to mow the lawn every ten days now that the growing season is behind us, may just salvage our relationship. We can do this two or three more times. I think.

I no longer have to slather sunscreen on the kids, worry about over heating and find ways to cool down when we go outside. We are in the middle of everything I love about fall. We don't have to dress in full winter regalia, nor do we have to obsess about the sun. We can head outside in the time it takes to put on our shoes and grab a light jacket.

It is the time of year when we don't need the air conditioning, nor do we need the furnace. I cheated. One morning I turned on the furnace to take the chill out of the air. Once the indoor temperature was regulated, I ceremoniously switched the thermostat to the "off" position. We shall hover in no-furnace-land for as long as we can.

Fall is so much cleaner than spring, with all the benefits that the moderate temperatures bring. We aren't waiting for the snow to melt and puddles to dry. We are simply cheering our farmers on and hoping our weather stays dry enough for them to harvest their crops and finish what needs to be done before winter sets in.

With fall, comes the shortening of days and the knowledge that winter is on the horizon. Spring may be messy but the longer days and knowledge that we have two more seasons of mild weather and sunshine helps ease the pain of all of the mud and mess.

I can't seem to come up with an advantage of the shorter days. The lack of sunlight messes with my coping skills. I want to sleep all of the time and shorten my work days to reflect the amount of daylight hours we have.

Other than moving to Australia, I just can't think of a way to combat the sun's lacking.

The best winters I can think of are winters when I was immersed in a project "bigger than myself". Book projects, taking a course, dancing or pursuing anything I felt passionate about.

It is time to shift my focus. I need to look inward. I need to pursue something that comes from the heart.

I don't know what that is yet, but I know where to start looking.

Fall is a time to look inside of yourself and see what seeds you can plant during the long, cold days. Plant those seeds in a greenhouse, turn on the "grow lights", soak up whatever sun you can find, wherever you can find it.

Two days in the heat of the Las Vegas sun in the depth of our winter last February gave me some insight as to why some people "fly south" for the winter. Oh, to be able to migrate like the birds...

I think I shall try to adapt the habits of a chickadee, a hardy little bird that weathers the cold Canadian winter up north.

They weather the cold in individual cavities they have excavated in rotten wood. They collect and hide their stash of seeds in thousands of spots (they actually remember where they store their valuables).

"Every autumn Black-capped Chickadees allow brain neurons containing old information to die, replacing them with new neurons so they can adapt to changes in their social flocks and environment even with their tiny brains." http://www.allaboutbirds.org/guide/Black-capped_Chickadee/lifehistory

As cute and as hardy and resourceful as those little chickadees are, I think shedding old brain neurons and replacing them with new neurons which allow them to adapt to the ever changing world around them is a trait I would like incorporate into my winter persona.

Maybe when I'm culling through the excesses within this material world I live in, I will try to shed some old thoughts and beliefs to make room for the new and ever changing world.

Feeling Compromised

A month ago my credit card was used fraudulently. Yesterday, it appears that my email account was compromised. What else is going on behind this computer screen that I have no idea about??

My antivirus program is one of the best and has the thumbs up approval from my computer guy. I pay the extra because I am naive to the ways of the cyber world and I need all the help I can get. Yet I am still slipping through the cracks.

I make on-line purchases without a second thought. I send off emails to a group on a sporadically, regular basis. I write my personal thoughts out loud and put them out for the whole world to see. 

The internet connection is hard wired into my being. My connection to the world outside of these four walls I live in, is feeling threatened by the beasts who break through the passwords, encrypted connections and antivirus programs. It feels like someone is breaking through the deadbolt locks and security system which protect our home.

I feel violated.

Worse than that, is the fact that a group of people on my email list have been affected. 

When I sent out the word that there were a few suspicious emails going around that I was aware of, I woke up to messages from a few others on that specific email list saying that they had received similar, but different "important" email messages from people they trust.

Where did this begin and where does it end?

In my fast and furious consultation with Google this morning, one source says that sometimes a person's email is hacked, multiple emails are initiated and sent out from that email account and then the hacker moves onto its next victim. Other times, your email may be taken over by an unknown party and they stay and create a little havoc for a while.

I quickly followed the leads I found. Immediately I changed my passwords and notified those who I knew were affected and passed along all that I knew. I double checked my email settings to ensure my emails were not being forwarded to an unknown destination. I made sure the hacker had not changed anything to give them easy access to my email account.

I didn't find anything suspicious so I am slightly relieved, mostly annoyed but above all else I am feeling violated.

That is twice. Within one month. To the day.

Gadgets. Computers. Smart phones. Tablets. Internet connections no matter where you may be. We are far too connected (right, Mom?). Now people are stepping in and violating those very connections.

A smart person may turn off all of those connections. Remove the opportunity for anyone out there to steal our passwords, our credit card information, our identity and our peace of mind.

I think our world has moved too far in this highly connected cyberspace direction. You can't stop progress once it has started. Having everyone hand in their cell phones and disconnecting from the internet is akin to going back to the horse and buggy. It can be done but it isn't effective. 

There is always someone out there who will "steal our horse". It isn't the horse I'm worried about, as much as it is our sense of security.

Play safe out there in this big scary world. Arm yourself with security measures and enough information so you know what to do if you have been violated.

I am on a first name basis with my "computer guy". I try not to abuse that privilege but it is nice to know I have someone I trust at times like this.

It doesn't hurt to get on a first name basis with "Google". And your antivirus team of experts. I think that may be my next move. I will ensure I am utilizing all the tools my antivirus program provides. 

There is no sense in having a security system if you don't arm it, for fear of a false alarm. It is better to become familiar with all the ways it can keep you safe, so anyone who dares break that barrier is thwarted at every turn.

Be wary of emails you receive from those you trust that don't look or "sound" like a message your friend, co-worker or family member would send. 

Don't click on a link that you don't know and trust. And whatever you do, never, ever give out personal information (passwords, banking information, credit card numbers, SIN numbers or anything else that is your business and your business alone). 

It has become a world of "safety first", no matter where you are playing.

Staying Quiet

Sometimes the hardest things to say are exactly what needs to be said to move you to the next plateau.

I have had times when I had to keep what I thought was life shattering news to myself. I had to process it, come to terms with it and find my way through it alone before I could say the words out loud.

There was a time when I did not want to hear platitudes and the words people say to convince someone "everything is going to be okay" at a time when the only person who can say that with truth and conviction was a doctor.

Then there was the time when I was holding on by a thread. I couldn't believe the situation I was in. I was embarrassed, alone and couldn't say the words. It was a time when I needed the lifeline only friends and family could cast towards me. I didn't realize my silence was bringing me down lower than I needed to be.

There was another time when it was between "me and a man" and we had to face the truth of our demise. It was happening so very slowly for so long before it became our reality that it took a while for me to say the words out loud. And when I finally did, I could not believe the relief I felt by living my truth out loud again.

Each and every one of those times, the weight of the world was lifted once I spoke the words I was so desperately trying not to say.

Yes, I had to come to terms with things and find my own way in my own time. But the moment I trusted someone else to listen to my story, I knew I was back on a road that would take me in a direction I needed to go.

Each and every time I sat still with my words, my story, my worries and my fears I was sitting at a fork in the road and feeling paralyzed.

By the time I spoke the words, I was ready to accept whatever anyone else thought or said. Good, bad or indifferent. I was ready.

I understand it takes time to process some things. A lot of time.

If you think your support system is not aware of something bigger than life going on in your world, you are mistaken.

They may misinterpret the silence, the isolation and the cold shoulder to mean something it's not. Or even worse, they may not understand that you actually need someone more than you realize yourself.

If you are struggling today, find someone you trust. Speak the truth out loud. Take some of the weight off of your weary shoulders by accepting help if necessary or at least to share the burden.

They say "what doesn't kill you makes you stronger", but let's not kill ourselves softly by trying to be too strong.

"Staying quiet doesn't mean I have nothing to say, it means I don't think you're ready to hear my thoughts." ~ Unknown

That Which Makes a House a Home

I had no idea what yesterday would become until I unwrapped it, layer by layer, slowly over the course of the day.

First off, four more windows have now been replaced. The old and dilapidated is now new and improved. It is with great pleasure that I can now officially say "nine down, one to go" when it comes the new window count in our old home.

Secondly, I spent my day with three children under the age of three. Two of those three were boys. What a simple day it was without the drama and (new and improved) manipulation games of my two older girls. Noise levels remained intact all day and the biggest issue we had was someone taking the other guy's toy. That is a very good day in my books.

But the best part of the above mentioned scenario, is that all three of them napped for over two consecutive hours. Do you have any idea what one conscious adult can do with two+ hours? Me either!

So I was shocked and amazed that I had the time and energy to start, follow through and complete a task I've had on my to-do list ever since the last time I did it.

I advertised three items to give away on Kijiji. A vacuum cleaner with a plugged hose (believe me, I tried everything known to man and Google to unclog it); a mop with velcro pads; and thirteen well used and very heavy patio blocks (three of which were broken). My first ad was placed at 2:35 p.m. and all three items had been spoken for and picked up by 4:30. Amazing!

I had four other items that held some value to someone but they have simply not been used by anyone within our home for at least three years. So I listed three of those items on an auction site, with a starting bid of $1.00. The other item (a perfectly good Wii system with several games) I listed for sale on Kijiji.

So far, on items I would have given away, the bids are up to $16.25. The bidding closes at 6:00 tonight so I can't wait to reveal the final tally. This game could become addicting.

It is so little but it feels so big. Letting our clutter find a good home does my heart good. Why do we hold onto things we don't need, want our use any more? You don't feel the weight until you let go. I lost a lot of weight yesterday!

Then, in the midst of my email chiming with incoming messages (from my auction sale and Kijiji ads), I received an email from someone I worked with for three months, three years ago. She invited me over for coffee. "Are you free this evening or tomorrow evening or on the weekend?"

It is so hard for me to say "yes" to a future date. My all time favorite way to live life and accept invitations is on the spot. Since the only date she mentioned that worked for me was last night, I quickly accepted and was headed over to her place before my brain had a chance to process how hard it is for me to follow through when I say "yes".

I think this friend is close to my age (my apologies to my friends everywhere, I feel like each of you are close to my age the moment we sit down and discover all of the parallels and similarities we share) and she seems so happy. Really, really happy. She retired a year ago and the way she speaks of the time she spends with her husband, it sounds like they really (really!) enjoy each other's company.

They are both retired, both in good health and enjoying doing what they want to do. It sounds like they get as much pleasure from sitting down and watching a movie at home as they do taking a European river cruise.

I sat and gazed at the sun room we were visiting in as she prepared a little snack for us (Really!!? Are you expected to actually feed your guests when they arrive with their supper barely digested???) and all I could think was how "loved" their home felt.

Grandeur and excess does not make an impression on me. Loved, however? That is exactly the look I am going for within our home.

Normally I don't notice anything about a friend's home except for the way I feel when I am sitting still and visiting within it. Warm, welcome, accepted, safe. This, plus so many more descriptors are all I normally really "take home with me" after visiting someone. The appearance or details about their house doesn't stick. The feeling does.

That which makes a house a home is what stands out to me. Mom's house = safety, security, comfort and all things family. Any one of my sibling's homes = family, love, warmth, a state of welcomeness. My friend's homes = friendship, acceptance, comfort, warmth. Intermix all of the above and this is what I remember when I leave someone's house.

Yes, I love enjoying that which makes their house a home to them. I fully appreciate those kitchen renovations, the new flooring, the updates, the makeovers, the little things that take so much and mean so much to you. I feel exactly the same way when I enhance that which I already have within my own home. So I appreciate your excitement when you make those improvements, big or small.

The creature comforts of home are different for each and every one of us. But when I walked out of my friend's home last night, it was the first time in a very, very (very) long time that I thought, "I want to strive towards what she has."

She is happy, relaxed, at peace and so comfortable in her life. I love listening to the way she talks of her husband. She didn't gush or give away any details but there was a feeling behind the words and she used the words "we" "our" and "us" often. Those are my most favorite words within a relationship.

And their home. It simply feels "loved".

Our home has felt so sorely neglected that I hadn't even noticed I have stopped inviting people into it. "Let's meet for coffee" is big in my vocabulary. In other words, let's go to a place where no one has to worry about what state their house/home is in. Neutral territory.

Yet when someone invites me into their home and we just sit still and visit, we could be sitting in a hovel for all I notice and care about.

It is the state of welcomeness that I remember and want to exude when I invite people into my world.

"Loved" and "welcome". Add that to a state of ease, comfort and a feeling of "you are safe here" is really all I want. I am getting distracted by paint and windows. I just want our home to feel and look like it is valued. That is my true goal.

Here Goes Nothing

I am sick to death of thinking, breathing and living through the minor house renovations around here as of late.

This house and all that has been done, needs to be done (and redone) and will never get done have permeated every thought I think and every breath I take.

So many of the "professional jobs" have left a trail of things-to-be-fixed in their wake. Today, our garage, playhouse and a basement windows will be replaced. Tonight, the interior of our newly cut "egress window" in a downstairs bedroom will be done.

All I can wonder is "How much more will have to be done &/or redone?" at the day's end. "Will they do the job I hope and expect them to do?" "How many unexpected expenses are going to crop up now?" "Why did I start all of this in the first place?"

The high cost of home ownership is heavy. I know I will not regret a penny spent on taking care of the four walls which shelter us from life's harsh weather.

But I do not like how these household renovations have dominated my thoughts and how it has shifted my focus to all of the inadequacies of the workmanship, the fact that things that were done became "undone" and that there is simply no end to this.

There is no end but at least I did what I could.

I have two used gallons of paint that are bought and paid for so I can continue painting for some time to come and it wouldn't cost a penny. Just time.

I fritter away an awful lot of my time. I really do.

I feel incapable of doing anything of substance after my daycare day is done. I don't want to spend my weekend "wasting" my one day off doing work around the house. Socializing takes an energy equivalent to working around the house so I seem to need to offset "social time" with "down time" to replenish my resources.

Yet when I actually focus on any one of the household tasks at hand, I am energized with more ambition than I had to begin with. The more I do, the more motivated I become. Then "real life" walks in the door and drains me of what I thought I had.

So I am walking into this day with a state of great ambivalence. I am eager to get this work done yet fearful that it will create more work that I don't want to make time for.

I think I just stumbled across the key to my discouragement. I don't want to make time for this house work. I just want to sit still in the state of it being done. Over. Complete.

If I have invested the time &/or money to get the job done, I don't want one more domino to fall. I just want the job done right. From start to finish. The end.

I want the job my dad would have done...

Yes Mom, I understand what you are saying when you said no one can hold a candle to the way Dad worked. No one.

He was but one man, but he was the one man who could do a job from start to finish and finish the job at hand.

Last First Days

Today is the "last" first day of school for my youngest son.

I've never thought to acknowledge the last of the firsts before. My niece tagged me in a Facebook update (she is making my "breakfast special" for her family this morning), as she marked this first day of school for her family of three.

As she acknowledged what this school year was, for each of her children, she mentioned her oldest daughter's "last first day" of school. She even had a picture of her oldest daughter on her first day of school to illustrate how far she has grown.

Have I been at this parenting gig too long? I never thought to celebrate this particular day. I remember the pit in my stomach as I started each brand new school year and I have quietly celebrated the years when my own children didn't appear to inherit that gene.

I am feeling a lot of trepidation about this upcoming year.

My son is a high achiever and he burned himself out last year. He dropped a mandatory course rather than produce a mark that was anything less than he has come to expect of himself. He tried taking it through cyber school instead and hit the same wall. He dropped out again.

He tried changing to a different branch of social studies so he wouldn't have to face this demon again. But it didn't pan out.

It is on his semester one schedule. It is his new reality.

We talked a little bit about this yesterday and he said he knows he just has to power through it and get the job done. By the end of January, it will all be history (literally - it is a Grade 11 history class which has become his nemesis).

At the beginning of his second semester most of the "hard stuff" will be behind him. He will have an English class and a Native studies class, but the rest of that semester is filled with all of his electives.

He just has to push through the next five months.

He knows what he is up against this time. It sounds like he has given himself a pep talk and is going to defy all odds and overcome the assignment of the century, which has brought him down twice before.

I enjoyed the lack of stress within our home over the course of the summer holidays. My son revelled in it. No school. No homework. No assignments. No expectations. No schedule. No stress.

He is walking into his last year of public school this morning. By the middle of this year he will be expected to start making decisions about his Life After School.

I don't know how a seventeen year old can be expected to know what the "next best thing" for them is going to be. I thought I was so wise when I was seventeen but it didn't take too many years for me to see how little I knew about me, my life and where I wanted it to go.

I felt my way through life with little thought about my long term goals.

Get married, have children, get a job, have a life which revolved around my family and have a husband standing at my side at the end of it all.

I have reacted to life instead of planning it.

I think being able to react and act on your feet is a commendable skill. I believe this because my second son is a testimony to that fact. He has reinvented himself and his land through hard times and he just keeps standing. Life  hands him blows and he may recoil and keep to himself to garnish his strength for a while, but he pushes through. He does what has to be done to get through and past and beyond the moment he is in. I have learned if I don't crowd him, he finds his own answers. He finds his way. He always finds his way.

For my youngest son, entering his last year of public education, all I can say is just keep pushing through. Once you overcome one hurdle, enjoy the flat landscape while you can because there will be another hurdle around one of those corners ahead.

I hate hurdles but I have come to appreciate and value them (after the fact). They have taught me more than I ever learned within the walls of a school.

School teaches you to use your brain, manage the stress of classes, students and teachers who will one day mimic your future job, co-workers and bosses. School teaches you to show up, be accountable and do your best.

Life teaches you everything else.

Success is fleeting. Enjoy those moments in the sun because if you have achieved that moment, it was probably laced with many failed attempts. And if you haven't failed, you may not have set your sights high enough.

Look towards what you hope to have, hope to achieve and be prepared to fail along the way. There is no such thing as failure. I've read many things. It is the best time to sow seeds of success (Paramahansa Yogananda). It is the opportunity to begin again, this time more intellectually (Henry Ford).

My oldest son found his way to his dream job/wage/standard of living when he was about 27 years old. He has berated himself time and time again for the ten years he lost between graduation and finding his way. There has been little that can be said to alleviate his anguish over those lost years. But I truly believe he needed to find his way in his own time, to ensure his best chance of success.

Every obstacle, every delay, every detour and every fork in the road is necessary for us to feel we have lived the life we were destined to live. Don't live according to someone else's expectations. Follow your own path. Watch, learn, listen and absorb the lessons life will teach you and you will find your way.

Just get through this first semester of this last year, my son. It may feel like you are climbing the face of a mountain at times. Rest, drink plenty of water, breathe deeply and take the next forward step. Just keep moving. One step at a time. You will find your way.

I hope this year is successful in the ways it needs to be. Small victories all along the way will pave the way to crossing the finish line. Don't burn yourself out because there is another marathon ready and waiting for you when you finish this one. Slow and steady.

I keep telling myself this. it has been 37 years since I walked into my Grade 12 year at school. And I still don't know what I want to be when I grow up. I can't quite believe I'm still hoping for my happily ever after fairy tale ending after all life has taught me. I guess that's why I label myself a dreamer. I never give up. There is still a part of me hoping I have a husband standing beside me at the end of it all.

"We’ll try again and we’ll fail again because that’s what progress looks like. Progress looks like a bunch of failures. And you’re going to have feelings about that because it’s sad, but you cannot fall apart. And then one day, we will succeed and save a person’s life and we will walk on the moon." ~ Meredith Grey, "Grey's Anatomy"