My Disney World Life

Thank you, Facebook. You saved me from myself once again.

I woke up feeling bluer than blue. Perhaps even bluer than navy. I felt black. I felt dark. I felt like there was a hole in my heart.

I thought "What in the world am I going to write about when I feel like this? I do not want to perpetuate this feeling!"

What you think about you bring about.

Your thoughts become your words .

I needed to climb off this train headed no where and jump onto the back of a steed headed somewhere.

I made my morning smoothie and cup of coffee. I sat down in front of the computer thinking dreary thoughts.  "What am I going to read this morning?" (most of the blog authors I read do not post on the weekends).

I turned to Facebook with little hope of finding anything new there either because I had read it late last night when I finally sat down to eat my supper around 11:00 p.m.

Then I found a quiz that intrigued me. "Which Disney Mom Are You Most Like?"

I was disheartened when the questions were too black and white. I'm a middle-of-the-road kind of girl. Having to choose black OR white, I had little hope this silly little quiz (I am deluded to believe these quizzes have true validity) would capture my essence. 

This was my result. Other than the last sentence, I think it captures the-mother-in-me pretty good:

A gracious mother with a calm exterior and a fierce spirit, you are most like Sarabi of "The Lion King!" You are no stranger to tragedy, and have rebuilt yourself from the ground up at least once in your life - making you all the stronger. By birth, you are tough, honest, and extremely protective - a fierce guardian of any loved ones, but mostly your own cubs. "Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned" - and you would put yourself through hell and back for your family, and never ask a single thing in return... Which kind of makes you a saint - so show this to your children the next time they do something stupid!

I needed to reroute my thoughts this morning. I woke up feeling absolutely lost. And this Disney Mom comparison reminded me of who I am (not who I hope to be).

I sat down smack dab in the middle of my most favorite world last night. And I didn't belong there. Was it because I forgot to bring my 'glass slippers'? Was it because I was sitting three chairs away from my Happily Ever After? 

I felt like Cinderella after her step sisters destroyed the beautiful gown that Cinderella and her forest friends had created. I felt tattered and torn. And my Fairy Godmother did not cast a spell upon me which lasted until midnight. 

I went as I was, bad haircut and all.

I sat and I dreamed of the days I enjoyed basking in the energy, the fun and feeling like a part of a whole.

I miss my dancing days. But I just don't know if I can picture myself returning to them either.

It was as if my dream bubble popped last night. "You don't fit here any more" is what I felt. It was NOT my reality though. I sat among people I knew. I felt a kinship with those I had attended so many dance functions with. I was in a place where a lot of people knew my name...

Except I didn't feel like I was living up to the name I had 'created' within those dancing walls. I felt like a shadow of who I used to be. A shadow with bad hair, comfy shoes and an outfit which screamed DON'T LOOK AT ME!! 

If I could have vanished into thin air, I would have. 

I was so disappointed in myself. I created all of those feelings within my little brain all by myself. I did not have the assistance of anyone else. 

I exited quietly long before midnight. I didn't race down the stairs and loose a glass slipper. My comfy Doctor Scholl's shoes took me from "A" to "B". 

It wasn't a dream. It wasn't a fairy tale. It was real life. And I failed. 

I woke up this morning feeling lost and forlorn and extremely 'navy'.

Then I took that Facebook Quiz and it reminded me who I am. Who I have been. Who I will always be. 

My role of Sarabi is a part of my life story. The mother of 'lion cubs'. I am more than a mother. But being a mom has always grounded me and helped me make the best decisions when the chips were down. 

It may be time to reexamine what else I want to do with my life. But as I head off tomorrow, to spend the next three days nestled in among my family and my First Born Son, I will be reminded of the other starring roles I have in my life. Daughter and Sister. 

I think I just need to be with my family right now. Maybe the dancing dreams will return one day. Just not today ...

A Do-Over Kind of Day

Life is good. No matter how badly you mess up a day, if you are very, very lucky you wake up the next morning and have a chance for a do-over.

I am perhaps one of the luckiest people I know. I work with children. Children are very much like puppies. If you give them the smallest bit of attention, they are all over you and won't leave you alone. But even better than that, they know how to love, live freely, forgive and forget.

If I was working in an office full of women, I highly doubt the-day-after-a-very-bad-day would be forgiven and forgotten so easily.

'That day' was a tough one on so very many levels. But when I woke up the next morning, I saw with glaring clarity that it wasn't 'the day' that was so bad. It was my reaction to it (holding onto my frustration and letting it infect the entire day) that was awful.

I had a little chat with myself. Just because I live and play with two and three year olds for fifty hours each week doesn't give me the excuse to behave like them. 

Who is the adult here?!?

I want to fill in that blank with the name of the three-year-old in my care. The second name that would go in that spot is my sixteen-year-old-son. I'm not sure if my name would come in before or after the two-year-old's names. That is just how badly I behaved on the day-I-would-most-like-to-do-over.

So my forgiving little crowd walked in the very next day like nothing had ever happened. I took ownership of my actions and reactions and acted accordingly throughout the day that followed.

Surprisingly, our day had the potential to be a complete and total repeat of the day before. Just because I had learned from my mistakes, doesn't mean my children did. 

Many of the same misdemeanors were repeated. Life is grand. It gave me a second chance to respond in the appropriate fashion. 

I took preventative measures (taping a diaper closed prevented a repeat of the prior day's catastrophe which pushed a bad day over the edge). 

I took what didn't work (taking my little daycare family out after our afternoon snack was a very bad idea because that is when one of my little people's digestive systems likes to 'take care of business') and fixed it (we went outside in the morning instead).

I hugged a little more and kept to myself a little less. I smiled more and scowled less. I spoke quietly and they listened more. I disengaged from my distractions and engaged with my little people more. 

We snuggled a bit. They went wild and crazy for a bit. It's funny. When allowed to 'run their course' nothing lasts too terribly long with two and three year olds. 

The good, the bad and the ugly all lasts for little more than one or two minutes if I just breathe through the moment and let it go.

Each time one of the two-year-olds have a toy the three-year-olds want, I tell them "Give them ONE minute. If you don't want it, they won't want it. Just give them ONE minute." As a rule, it takes less than a minute.

I have to remember to take my own advice. Give it ONE minute. Ride the wave. Breathe deeply and slowly count to sixty. It will pass (except for cleaning out that playpen and all the bedding and the child who removed their dirty diaper at the end of nap time on that very-bad-day ... that took more like FIFTEEN minutes. I should have breathed deeply and counted to nine hundred).

It always passes. 

The good stuff tends to linger if you let some of the bad stuff slide through your fingers. It's a little bit like cradling that hot cup of the coffee and savoring the caress of the warmth, the steam, the aroma and the sensation of knowing how much you are going to savor it.

Cradle the vision of the-day-you-want and it is amazing how much of it will come true.

Sure enough, the coffee cools. The cup empties. But if you take that moment to grasp onto the sensation you know it will bring before you enjoy it, somehow that 'cup of coffee' lingers long after it is gone.

Breathe through your day. Take it ONE minute at a time. Take a lesson from puppies and children - love, live freely, forgive and forget. I think they are the ones who have the art of living right.

Today is a New Day

It's coming ...

My thought processes are starting to unblock. I can feel it.

I have started and stopped writing a few times because I can't decide what to write about this morning. Whew!!

Do I write about the importance of 'watching my thoughts' (because they become my words)? Boy!, if yesterday wasn't a perfect example of that, I don't know what was. Enough said.

Do I write about (yet again) our Senior Cat's return of stabilized health? Yes, I know I have written about this before but he seems to be 'the cat he used to be' back in 2014. Is it because I am giving him an extra half-dosage of his prednisone? Or is it because I stayed home last weekend?

Most of all, I know my biggest epiphany came from rereading the quote:

“Watch your thoughts, they become words;
watch your words, they become actions;
watch your actions, they become habits;
watch your habits, they become character;
watch your character, for it becomes your destiny.”

I have not been watching my thoughts lately and I have been treading into deep and dangerous waters.

It has affected every part of my life.

Most importantly, it has affected the way I handle myself throughout my daycare days.

Yesterday was a bad day. A very bad day. Was it so bad because of the attitude I had as I walked into and through the day? Or did I compound the situation by seasoning it with negativity, lack of energy and enthusiasm?

Last week I felt like 'everyone' was upset with me for one reason or another. This week, I am beginning to realize that I am the one who is upset with myself.

I know better! When you know better, you do better. I tell my daycare charges this all of the time.

This realization came from reading my own words from the archives of my very own blog. I think I need to sit down and have a good, long talk with myself.

I know these things. Knowing and doing are two different things.

Today ... I will do better. I will do better than yesterday, anyway. Yikes, if ever there was a day to rewind and do-over, yesterday was 'it'.

Today is my chance to rewind the tape and start fresh.

I Think it's 'February'

I can't seem to snap myself out of this.

I am empty. Without words. Without energy. Without enthusiasm. Without plans. I feel lifeless.

I know doing something to push me out and through this state of inertia is necessary. Clean out a drawer! Cull through a closet! Wash a floor! "Do something!!" is what I keep telling myself.

But I seem to be stuck in a rut of doing not-much-of-anything.

I have excuses, alibis, explanations and a whole pile of half-truths which let me off the hook. I keep placing one foot carefully in front of the other and plod through the days.

I am checking off things-that-must-be-done (that obviously don't involve cleaning) and X-ing off the days on the calendar like a kid counting down the days until summer holidays.

I couldn't drag myself out of bed with my alarm this morning (who in the world sets their alarm for 4:30?!! I must fix that!). But even when a more decent rising time came, then went, time after time, all I could think was "Why get up this early? Sleep. Rest. Revitalize yourself!"

Two hours after my alarm went off, I found myself sitting at this empty screen, with an empty brain. "What do I have to say? Where did my words go? What is my problem??"

Then I started going through the archives of this blog. I think I found my answer.

It is February.

The lack of sunshine, the excess of winter, the cold, the snow and too much time indoors has taken its toll.

I go through this each and every year.

Last year, I brushed myself off and pushed myself through starting the process of completing our family's book project. One moment, it was the coldest day in history and I was granted an unexpected weekend off (which kick-started the book project) and the next thing I knew, it was almost a year later.

I do have things to do.

One of the editors I write for keeps asking me if I have 'started my book' yet. He seems to think the columns I write are book-worthy. I highly doubt I have the makings for real, live book but it doesn't hurt to dream impossible dreams and believe anything is possible.

I'll settle for getting everyone's income taxes done and sending out my next month's worth of columns. Perhaps I'll even clean something. I'm not sure what. Maybe I'll start with that clutter of stuff-to-be-donated sitting in one corner of my bedroom. Or maybe I'll settle for vacuuming the living room.

I just have to do something. Because doing nothing is exhausting.

Okay, February - I am sick to death of you. It's time you and I broke up! I'll give you four more days. That's it. Then it's over. I never want to see you again! I am so over you!!

TRY Not to Worry

I was digging through the archives of some of my writing yesterday (in a quest to find some column-worthy material during a particularly dry writing spell)...

I came upon this little ditty as I made my way through the archives of this blog - "Don't Worry, Be Happy" http://colleen-lifeasiknowit.blogspot.ca/2012/11/dont-worry-be-happy.html 

I reread my own advice and took it personally.

I think the sentence "If I take 'that which I have control over' and either deal with it or else choose not to do anything ... I feel a little more powerful." has been my internal mantra over the course of these past many years.

It is in the situations where I feel I have little or no control that I get a little 'weird'.

I pick up the phone and make phone calls, ask questions, tell-our-story to see if it can make a small difference in the end result and simply try to do as much as I can, when it feels like there is nothing that can be done.

I have a google-addiction. In those same situations where I feel I am powerless, I ask google all the hard questions. I arm myself with information and try my best to place 'real life' within that-which-I-deem-to-be-most-correct (yes, I am aware there is a lot of misinformation out there). I like to walk into a situation knowing as much as I can. I am not a big fan of surprises...

I was young and naive (and just plain stupid) when Dad had a massive heart attack from which he never recovered. I didn't understand the ramifications of the words 'lack of oxygen to the brain'. Nothing I had ever read or understood up until that point of time in my life prepared me for what we would learn one day at a time as we walked down that unfamiliar, new path.

I had my first child exactly the same way. Everything was one big surprise. I was so unprepared. I raised him with exactly that same lack of knowledge and preparedness.

You simply cannot know what sequence of events is about to transpire in your life. It is foolish to dwell on the worst-case-scenarios. You can arm yourself with all sorts of information and knowledge and still be surprised.

But somehow? I find consolation in information. I cannot recall a time where a worst-case-scenario actually transpired. Except the times where I walked into a world where I knew absolutely nothing.

So even in the times where I feel powerless, I try to harness the energy of feeling prepared.

I think we all prepare ourselves in different ways. Hunkering down and gathering your strength to walk through the doors of the unknown is a personal thing.

I have to remember 'my way' is not everyone's way. I'm trying to rein myself in while respecting everyone else's way is just as effective.

Throw five worried souls into a box and shake. And that is what it feels like at the moment. I'm an over-sharer, an over-thinker and (apparently) a bit of a worrier to boot.

May I please revise my two year old post to say "Try Not to Worry ...", because being told NOT to worry is an impossible request.

Do your best. Find your best and unique way to cope. Do what you need to do to get through life's tough spots and try not to worry over that-which-you-have-no-control over.

Digging My Way Out

I think I'm digging my way out of 'winter'.

Literally, I got to 'play in the snow' a few times yesterday as it snowed all day. It was light and fluffy snow. Good snow to shovel (if you must shovel snow). It gave me an excuse to be outside.

Taking my daycare family outside is always a good reason to be outside but I find the time goes much quicker if I am busy doing something. It was a win-win situation. So we went out. Twice. It was a perfect way to wind up the day and the week.

As much as the snow keeps falling outside, I have another spot inside that seems to need constant tending.

It is the desk located in our kitchen.

During my intense book-assembling days, the desk was piled up with papers, information, letters and to-do lists.

The moment the book was finished, our family reunion took over that spot. Files, spreadsheets, lists and things to follow-up on filled the spot where our family book project used to live.

From there, I catapulted (almost) immediately into Christmas projects, letters and (more) lists of the to-do variety.

I honestly thought the only file to take up residence in that spot after Christmas would be our Vegas trip. I started psyching myself up for that and played the "One Month From Today" game...

That game was intercepted by Real Life. Worries about the health of family swept that Vegas file right off that desk. Instead, I started 'Googling' and phoning and questioning.

I printed off some information. I kept notes and phone numbers. Little scraps of paper held significant information. Lots of little 'scraps' can really pile up on a person. Those worries and concerns took up a lot more 'space' than my fun-filled book project/reunion planning/Christmas all added together.

Then the Date of Reckoning passed and we were given the green light to go and enjoy our Las Vegas weekend.

I brought out that skinny little Vegas folder and had fun with it.

I came home from our quick trip to Las Vegas and filled that little folder with bits and pieces from our little winter getaway until it bulged.

All that was left on that desk were some addressed and stamped envelopes to send to those-who-have-been-weighing-heavy-on-my-mind.

I wrote three letters/notes and mailed them off. I filed away my 'Vegas' folder. All that is left on that desk in my kitchen is an envelope containing a necklace my aunt forgot at Mom's when we were out at Christmas.

I will be driving past her house as I go to (and come home from) my bookkeeping job today.

Yes, that pesky weekend job that I often complain about (yet thoroughly enjoy) is my only commitment today.

I was so excited to wake up at home, in my own bed with my regularly scheduled outside-of-my-home employment awaiting me this morning.

Waking up to a small piece of 'normal' feels extraordinary today. What even made the day better is that our sickly Senior Cat came and joined me while I slept in and I got to enjoy his presence before I took even one step into the day. His labored purr hurts my heart but I was so grateful he shared it with me this morning.

There has been so much going on, within this head of mine lately, that waking up to a quiet, calm house with a purring cat was the absolutely best way to start this weekend-at-home.

I am exactly where I want to be.

Looking for Sunshine

I'm not sure if I have ever hit a wall with my writing, the way I have this past month. I sit here and stare at the blank screen in front of me and wonder what in the world is worth writing about.

Usually I find little trinkets throughout the day which have little-to-no-meaning until I spin a little story around a non-event. Lately, I seem to be looking at the world through gray-colored lenses. Everything feels tinged with sadness. Or guilt. Or regret.

I am quite certain this is just a phase that will run its course and I'll be done with it. I've felt this way before. I'm sure I'll feel it again.

One time was during the time of great upheaval in my work-world. But even then, I was so busy trying to convince 'the world' (and myself) that I was finding great value and learning a lot of good lessons during that time, that I still found (and wrote about) the little nuggets of goodness within a bad situation.

This time, I feel like I have jumped on a bandwagon that I never wanted to be on. I have joined the party where people talk about sadness, ill health, death and dying, hopelessness and despair. I have become 'one of them'.

I know life is not all butterflies and daisies. I know sad things happen to happy people. I know reality isn't pretty. But I really want to shift my focus.

I want to find the joy buried underneath the sorrow. I want to find the happy within a sad moment. I want to sit and stare into my predictable little life and find flowers and sunshine during our stark, white winter wonderland out there.

I know I need to sit on the doorstep and stare upwards into a blue sky and see a glimmer of coming events.

I know spring is coming. A month from now the days will be almost two hours longer than they are today. No matter what Old Man Winter throws our way, he can not take away the added daylight hours.

We all need a little more sunshine in our days.

If you can't run away to Vegas for the weekend, I highly recommend finding your blue sky and sunny disposition in your surroundings.

Look for joy in the unlikeliest of places.

Set out to make a small difference in one person's day.

Count your blessings.

Find laughter and lightheartedness in whatever tickles your funny bone. A comedy on TV; watching kitten videos; tuning into your favorite comedian; calling up a friend who shares your odd sense of humor.

I have a day full of two and three year olds ahead of me. No matter how frustrating (and long) some days may seem, there is always (always!!) a moment of innocence which brings a smile to my heart. Sometimes it is simply my choice not to sit quietly and notice.

Today is a day I will grab a notepad and write down the little things that make me smile. I will report back tomorrow.

Today is the day I look for spring and sunshine right in my own back yard!