Vitamins and Nothing

Quote from Thursday night's episode of Grey's Anatomy:

Meredith: "We are responsible with our patients. The problem is we blow it all out at work. In our own lives, we can't think things through. We don't make the sound choice. We did that all day at the hospital. When it comes to ourselves, we've got nothing left. And is it worth it—being responsible? Because if take your vitamins and pay your taxes and never cut the line, the universe still gives you people to love and then lets them slip through your fingers like water, and what've you got? Vitamins and nothing."

Responsibility. When you 'blow it all out at work' and there is nothing left at the end of the day ... what do you really have?

I spent the first 20 years of my parenting working full time, outside of our home. I did everything I was paid to do, all day long. I spent my energy being nice at work. When I came home, I was empty. I had nothing left. My fuse was short and my children were on the receiving end of whatever my day had given me.

I was working hard, doing all the right things, making all the 'right' financial choices. I often joked that I could afford to retire (RRSP's were maximized), I could afford to die (insurance was all in place), I was in a spot where my mortgage would have been paid in full in 2009 ... but I couldn't afford to live.

I woke up during my maternity leave with my third child. I saw the person I was, when I was consumed with work and making the right financial choices. My eyes were finally opened and I saw that I was letting life slip out of my hands. This is the reason that I made the choices that I did and started working from our home. I have never looked back ...

Fast forward to the present.

I had a 'bad day at the office' yesterday. I walked away, came home to life-as-I-know-it and had a great evening out with friends. I thought that I had put it all behind me. Yet when I woke up this morning, work issues sifted to the top of my consciousness.

I don't want to wake up in the morning with a work hangover. I want to box it up, put it away and shut the door on it until I choose to open it. And I always choose to open it.

I want to work from home for many reasons. Yesterday made it blatantly clear to me why I love working out of my home. I feel in control. I have a system that works for me. Everything is at my fingertips. I am a obsessive when it comes to paper, organization and routine. Yesterday? I was working at the shop, at a desk that was not my own, with one corner cleared off for the three piles of things to verify, sort and correct. My routine was blown out of the water.

My first conscious thoughts this morning were (and still are) consumed with work. Days like yesterday make me feel like life is 'slipping through my fingers like water'.

The universe gave me a home and family to come home to, friends to go out with, the opportunity to dance after my work day was through. Yet when I woke up this morning? I allowed the joy of what I had at the end of the day, slip through my fingers.

Is it worth it - being responsible?

At work, while you are at work? Yes.

After work, I do not want to feel depleted. I want energy left over for me and the people in my life.

Being responsible to myself and those that share my life is worth it. Spending all of that at work and coming home 'empty'? Not a place I want to go back to. I want more than vitamins and nothing at the end of the day.