Following My Bliss

My thoughts feel light and breezy this morning. The sky is blue, the air is crisp and a long weekend is nigh.

A long weekend with no plans. I have no idea where it will (or will not) take me. As I thought that very thought this morning, a voice inside my head uttered "Follow your bliss".

I like that.

Bliss = great  joy. What brings you joy? These are a few of my most joyful things:

• quiet mornings
• meaningful conversations
• spur of the moment outings
• laughter
• family & friendship
• writing ...

Yes! Writing. I think the heart to fingertip to paper connection is starting to fire up again. The connection was broken for a while. Maybe it wasn't. My heart was hurting and sore so the words that escaped from my fingertips were without joy. There was sadness, hopelessness and so many thoughts of The Year of Mom continually wafting in, out and through my thoughts. I couldn't silence them.

I'm grateful I didn't. I needed to think, feel, talk, cry and write it out. As gradual as things happened with Mom, at the end it all happened fast. There was so much to do, so many tasks to tend to, so much thinking, doing and being. When all the activity came to an end, I was not expecting the crash. My feelings finally caught up with me.

I talked it out. Thankfully I have so many patient and compassionate ears to listen to my stories on repeat. They let me ramble. They weathered this storm with me. They listened and let me feel.

I remember shortly after our much loved cat Andre died, Mom and I went out to see my uncle. My uncle is the world's best listener and has the kindest, most compassionate heart I know. He is also a lover of animals. So I started telling him the Story of Andre's Last Days.

I showed signs of weakness, my voice broke and I had a lump in my throat. Mom immediately told me I didn't have to talk about this. The message I felt was "If it hurts, tamp it down, don't intentionally bring it out and don't talk about what makes you sad".

I have often thought of Mom and how disappointed she would have been with me after my emotions started catching up with me. There were some dark days. I lost my way. I was going through the paces of living but I was just putting in time.

Mom would never have shown weakness the way I did. How could she have not felt similar emotions as life dealt her the hand she was given? She was strong and feisty. She showed us the side she wanted us to see. She was a master at tamping down thoughts and wearing her brave game face. It didn't mean the feelings weren't there. She simply didn't wear them on her sleeve.

I look back and think of Mom and the way she rolled with life. I want very much to be as strong as she was. I want to weather life's storms and come out smiling. I want to laugh in the face of sadness. But sometimes? Just sometimes ... I need to shed a tear, tell a sad story and be honest with how I feel. This is what works for me.

When I am honest and open, I tend to attract honesty and openness into my life. The relationships I have with my friends and family feel "real". I'm not hiding. I live out my truth. In return, I have found so much strength and kinship with those who share their truth with me.

No, I won't tamp down the stuff that isn't pretty. I may write it out, talk it out, cry it out or (this is what I think I may need to do more often) sing and dance it out.

This weekend? I shall chase my bliss. Or maybe I will sit quietly and let it land on my shoulder. May you find your bliss and revel in it. If we believe in it, it will come.