Fifteen Minutes

I have completely gotten out of the habit of writing. My excuses are varied, multiple and quite lame. No time. No space. No thoughts. Nothing fresh. Nothing inspirational. Nothing. Nothing. Nothing.

Who else feels this way in the depth of winter? The days are getting longer but have also been colder. January is speeding by but spring feels far off and illusive at the same time.

I long for what I don't have. Then I get it and squander it away.

I had holidays over the Christmas season and I let them slip through my fingers. I regretted making plans as soon as they were made and never really got past that. No one's fault but my own. I am accountable for my actions but I wasn't even finished my holiday and I was already longing for my next.

I read a book (two, actually!) this past weekend. One was a biography based on someone who survived and thrived after a stroke. As the story of this journey progressed back to a semblance of "the before", his "executive thinking" was compromised and he was completely content in this state of not planning, not doing and not caring about goals and achievements.

"That's me!!", I thought. My executive thinking powers are waning. When I am on vacation, I relax in the knowledge that it really doesn't matter. It's okay to squander the days because (here come the excuses) I have to work outside my home ten hours of every weekday. Poor me.

I console myself with the thought "whatever I accomplish will be enough". I accomplish very little. I am completely okay with that.

How many holidays would I need in order to find the energy, motivation and desire to do more than nothing?

That is an experiment I'm willing to take! In the meantime, I must (like everyone else in the world) get up, get dressed, get moving and get to work so I can come home, climb into my pajamas and turn off my brain.

This too, shall pass. The goal is to make the best of the winter days that are looming ahead.

Just keep swimming ...

P.S. See why I haven't been writing?