Looking for the Magic

I was just updating my daycare blog when this sentence fell off the tip of my fingertips - "My Little Daycare Daughter found a Magical Forest when we were out on our walk last week. I found a Magical Land right in our own back yard this week."

I don't normally get too terribly 'deep' when I write about our days to my daycare parents but I love when the deepness happens without even realizing it. We have had a delightful daycare week. The return of a little girl I took care of last year (who I often referred to as "bringing out the best in everyone") has cast a little bit of sun upon our days.

It's a bit of a crap shoot at times - who gets tossed into and out of our lives and our days. I think (for the most part) it is good to work with what and who you get, because that is what life is all about. We really have little choice over the people who come in and out of our lives. Why not start at daycare?

I have a few personalities that really do not bring out the best in each other (and ultimately, me, as I navigate some of those days). What is it about some little, tiny people that rubs the world the wrong way?

I think a lot of the trouble I have been having, has to do with children being brought up to be the centre of the universe. I take care of (almost all) only children. They come into our world at daycare and are not accustomed to having to compromise, trade, take turns, share or even ... wait.

We walk through some days and it is a battlefield of personalities. If I'm not at the top of my game, these days are not all sunshine and roses.

Even the worst of days are simply an accumulation of bad moments. They hit a crescendo, we deal with the aftermath, I walk away and come back at things after a brief time out or nap and we just keep starting over. All day.

I think I have been focusing on the negative more than the positive lately, because I haven't 'felt the magic' for a while. It comes in little flashes of perspective but I haven't been able to grab onto it and hold it.

Yesterday, I saturated myself in it. I sat still and just listened. And watched. Oh, the day was filled with pitfalls and detours but on the whole, there was a whole lot of 'harmony' going on. There is nothing sweeter than watching children contentedly at play, when they have no idea you are noticing them.

My little three year old has adopted a leadership role when she is with the 'two and unders'. They look up to her and follow her lead. I listened to her tone of voice with them. She was kind. I listened to their response. They reciprocated in kind. It was nothing. But it was so much.

Those moments showed me what we are all capable of noticing. The beauty in a moment. The beauty seemed to come out of no where, but I could hear the tones of their voices. They were reflecting the day we had just lived. It was magical.

"This" is the magic I love in my Daycare World. I think a person finds whatever it is they are looking for. I like looking for the magic.

The Yin and the Yang of Life

Life has a way of giving back, everything we give. With interest.

I have read that if you give, with a giving heart, without expecting anything in return, 'this' is what happens.

It happens in small ways each and every day. A brief exchange with a cashier in a store or someone who you pass on the street. Whether it is a cheerful wave and a smile or a few words. When given freely, it comes right back to you.

I have a neighbor that has eyes that twinkle with his smile and he remembers my name. As we cross paths often on these streets of ours, he has often turned my day around with his effervescent smile and cheery greeting.

I remember those who are strangers to me, who have gifted me with a compliment out of the blue. Or simply said something to me that lifted me out of a blue moment and into the present.

I see it in my little daycare family. Those moments of pure joy when they smile from their heart and I reflect that back to them (or vice versa).

It happens in little ways and in big ways.

When I am feeling positive and chasing my dreams I think I give off a little bit of that 'effervescent glow' myself. I can feel it in my heart. I can see it in the reflection of the eyes of those I talk with.

When I am doing that-which-I-was-meant-to-do in my life, I am full of life and I feel good about the path I am on, I feel like I am giving a little bit of 'something' into this big, scary world.

While I am on that path, I can feel the comfort, joy and companionship of those who join me for my ride. This ride is most joyful when it is balanced with me finding the other person's truest self and listening just as much as I am talking.

There is a yin and a yang to the giving and receiving.

Sometimes a person is in a place where they simply need to absorb, listen and receive. Other times, they may need to spill their heart and empty it of that which is weighing them down. It is wonderful when that evolves into a spot where that person is finding their true north and starting to find a path that feels good, safe and comfortable.

Feeling 'safe' is necessary. I need my safety nets. They used to be financial ones. Now? My feeling of safety and security comes from family and friends who I trust with my heart and my soul.

I have dreamed big dreams and chased a few. In the sidelines, I can hear the voices of those who cheered me on.

Have I given back, that which I have received? That question sits within my subconscious mind and constantly beckons to me.

I live out loud. I write about it. I open myself up and let people see what makes me 'tick'. And ... rather than feeling frightened and vulnerable when I do so, I find people opening up and trusting me in return.

The give, the take. The yin, the yang. The ups and the downs. Life is a bumpy ride and it is hard to sit back and enjoy it when you are hanging on for your life.

I am in a very good place at the moment. I feel like the past six(ish) years, I have been a roller coaster car, fighting to get to the top of a steep incline. But rather than holding on for dear life, as I crash to the bottom, I have found a little oasis up here at the 'top of this mountain', that is filled with wonder. Little hills and valleys and nooks and crannies to explore at my leisure.

This post got so sidetracked I forgot where I began.

I was inspired by a little daycare incident where I offered my parents financial compensation for some days that I took off (which were not a part of my regularly scheduled holidays). I wrote this in our newsletter that I just distributed and wondered "How can I afford to do this?". I did it anyway because it was simply the right thing to do.

This is the reason I started to write this post.

I did the 'right' thing and offered a refund to my daycare parents. And yesterday? One of my previous daycare families returned to me. This little girl is in kindergarten and only needs to come every other day. But her return will more than compensate for that-which-I-thought-I-could-not-afford.

Little things.

They happen every day. We just have to keep our mind and eyes open and it is amazing what morsels of goodness we can find within even the worst of days...

Energy to Burn!

Who knew there was actually a little bit of energy and ambition underneath all that was bogging me down lately? Certainly not me.

Dragging out a project over the course of six years is not something I would recommend. Even though I did not (in any capacity) work on this project steady, it was always in the back of my mind. Always.

To jump straight from the completion of that project, into planning a family reunion may not have been the best strategy. But one wouldn't have happened without the other.

I needed a deadline for completing our family's book. So I forced one upon myself. The reunion.

If I was smart, I would have had the book wrapped up several months ago. But I'm not all that wise. I work best under pressure, so I created a little pressure cooker for myself.

Talk about jumping from the pressure cooker into the frying pan (or some such saying) ... that is pretty much what last week felt like.

I tended to all of the high concentration tasks this past weekend. I noticed a shift in my energy levels almost the minute I tended to the two biggest jobs on my list. I wasn't tired any more.

My body has been shutting me down and turning me off like someone out there has a remote control which governs me. I have had little control. I sit down. I sleep.

Not lately (at least, not since Saturday).

I can sit down and stay awake. It is quite amazing.

This shift in energy has me torn. I could really utilize that energy and clean a few corners within the house this upcoming long weekend. Or I could go see my mom.

The dirt is not going anywhere (trust me, I know this because I've been watching it accumulate for oh, about six years). Good driving conditions, good visiting conditions and a long weekend however? They don't all come about at the same time too often. Or in my case lately? Ever.

Funny how hard that choice seemed to be until my fingers wrote it out for me.

I think I'll utilize some of my waking hours to go and see my mom. The dirt can wait. Maybe I should call Mom and see if she is going to be home ...

"Stop Complaining!" ~ Facebook Feed Wisdom

"Go 24 hours without complaining (not even once), and watch how your life starts changing."

This statement appeared on my Facebook feed last week and I paused as I read it. Hmmm. Yes. I think I should do that.

Then I went about living my life.

I sort of forgot about the statement. I most definitely didn't 'live' it. But the positive ions in my brain started outweighing the negative ones anyway. Not because I consciously made it happen. It was simply a result of digging myself out from under some 'big' projects, goals and deadlines I set for myself.

I was feeling very, very positive. Yay, me!

But I wasn't doing it on purpose. It was a cycle that was bound to happen. I just happened to enjoy it a little more because of 'where I had been'.

I was happily going about my weekend, tending to 'big stuff' and feeling lighter with each step along the way. Then the message came at me again (this time, a horoscope):

"Of course complaining is useless. If you can fix it, you will. If you can't, there's nothing to talk about. The simplicity of this will make your life and relationships much better."

I stumbled across this line of thinking many years ago. It is the one reason I have dubbed myself "The best boss I have ever worked for". Because when you work for yourself, you have the ability to make changes, when changes need to be made. And if you choose not to make them, you have no one to blame but yourself. Easy.

That epiphany changed my life. I made changes, where changes could be made. I empowered myself. I said what I had to say, did what I had to do and let the chips fall where they may. And if I chose not to do anything, I knew that was my choice. I had no right to complain if I didn't do anything to make things better.

When I look at the things that make me squirm in my current situation, I know it is when I feel that people have taken that choice out of my hands. When we are without choice, we are without power. Without the illusion of that sense of control, comes the desire to complain.

My mind drifts to the 'little stuff' that is in the back of my mind as I write this. It is time to put that line of thinking to work for me again.

Sometimes we know what we have to do, to turn things around. But we forget.

I like that Facebook has a way of telling me what I need to know some days. This fact gives me the reason to continue to check out my Facebook page. Just when I was thinking maybe I should walk away from the various electronic connections I am addicted to.

I will not complain about Facebook. Facebook has brought nothing but good things into my world. Possibly because that is all I am looking for there.

Keep looking up. Stop complaining. Do what you can. And 'be the best boss you ever worked for'. Even if  you are not self employed, you are still 'working for yourself'. Do your best to fix what you can. Try to stop complaining. 

"Be the change in the world you wish to see in the world" ~ Mahatma Gandhi

We may not be able to change the world, but by changing our own world and the way we see it, we are making a bigger difference than we will ever know. ~ Colleen

Life is Like an Echo

Now that I've come out from under the rock that was sheltering me, while I was immersed in our family's book-of-memories, I am talking with friends again. At every turn, I am hearing of the lack of harmony within families. I listen to what I am being told and my head is trying so very hard to understand. But my heart just doesn't get it.

I live in a bubble wrapped world.

My children and I like each other. We have relationships within our family that are unique to each of our personalities and how they intertwine with the other. We have had some rocky roads. We have also faced a few adversities as a family unit. I say with an infinite amount of gratitude, that 'what didn't kill us made us stronger'. Coming out the other side of a family crisis, as a unit and a feeling of 'we have each other's back' has made us stronger instead of weaker.

I can take that a step further and talk about my relationships with my mom and siblings. What we have is special and unique. There is family unity, despite the miles, despite the age differences, despite our differing family dynamics. We band together in times of trouble, we cheer each other on from afar when life is good, we are simply 'present and accounted for' in so very many ways. We live five independent lives, but we are connected by an invisible elastic band which stretches and shrinks dependent on what is going on in our lives.

Take another few giant steps and I have my mom's family and my dad's family.

I have stepped out of my quiet, insecure self and stepped into my family. Collecting memories is a most excellent way of getting to know someone. I can remember being in awe of finally feeling like I knew my mom's siblings. I am still in awe of knowing my dad's family. And the gift of all gifts are the cousins I am getting to know, thanks to this life of living-outside-of-myself.

I have extended my arms wide open and enveloped my entire family within my grasp. Some are at my fingertips (but with fingers, come a hand); others are at arm's length (but with arms, come a deeper hold); others are very close to my heart (the distance between two hearts is invisible at times) ...

There is something incredibly sacred about this family connection. I know it is precious. I understand that most people don't have this. I don't know how to spread this around ...

... except to suggest "Perpetuate the good".

In all of my memory collecting, family bonding and close relationships there is so very much focus on what is good and what works for us.

Life is like an echo. "Life will give you back everything you have given to it."

A Magical Forest

It has been tough going in my Daycare World this week. I knew we needed to break out of the bad cycle that was repeating. I knew exhaustion was a factor. I knew enough to look at 'the source' (that would be me) first.

These little people are mirrors of the people they spend time with. Their actions, their voices, their words are a reflection of the world around them.

So I was a little haunted by the phrase my little (almost) two year old adopted with a fervor this week. "Go play!"

Yes, it had an exclamation mark at the end of it. Yes it was said sternly. And yes! Yes! Yes! It was on auto-repeat.

Then I listened to myself.

These little guys have been flocking to me any time I light in one spot. My internal conversation goes something like this, "Why don't kids know how to play on their own anymore?" "Can't I just sit here and watch?" "Why do they want me to entertain them?" "I. Just. Need. A. Little. Space."

Breathe in. Breathe out. Count to ten. Nap time is coming.

Nap time is another thing that has me a little rankled. My three-year-old is not napping any more. She is a talker. She would be quite happy to chat her way through nap time. But ... I. Just. Need. A. Little. Space. !. !. !. 

Breathe in. Breathe out.

I tried a few different things before I stumbled into what worked best for me. What worked for me didn't work for her mom. We now spend 'quiet time' in the same room together. I feel shackled to my responsibilities and I am missing my break. Terribly.

Add the exhaustion factor I have been feeling this week, as the technicalities of getting this book off of my plate and onto the printing press ... and you have a tired old babysitter who sits down and directs the kids to "Go play!"

Our days are so repetitive. It feels like we do the same thing over and over. Day after day. New becomes old very, very fast in the eyes of the 'under three' set. I am so out of new tricks that I feel like a grumpy old dog.

Yesterday we set off on a walk and I really had no idea where we were going. Sometimes that is a very good thing (other times? not so much). Yesterday, it was good.

It was cool, but warm. It was damp from a little misty rain we had the day prior and overnight. It was not ideal "let's go play in the playground" weather.

I made my choice due to these factors. I did not want to come home with four wet, dirty and sandy kids. I thought I would take them to the school grounds and just let them run and play.

There is a walking path that goes past both of the schools in our neighborhood. They have a few landscaping mounds, a small toboggan 'hill' and various bunches of trees which have turned color and shed a good deal of their leaves. We have been walking to these trees and I have been taking 'fall' pictures with the kids, because the colors are so pretty.

Yesterday, as the older two wanted to run off ahead and 'climb the mountain', I redirected them to the little bunches of trees clustered together. "Let's check them out", I said (more as a distraction and a method of keeping everyone together than anything else). What happened instead turned out to be a child's wonderland.

There are well worn paths in and around and through these little clusters of trees. The conditions were ideal. Half of the leaves were on the ground, so I could see where my little charges were at all times but half of the leaves were on the trees which made the kids feel like they were in a real forest.

The older girls ran and 'hid' from one another. They had chasing games. They hid and they sought each other out. To my littler guys, the forest was one great big obstacle course. It took great concentration to weave in and out of the trees like the bigger kids.

I stood back and took pictures. Lots of pictures. It was magical.

The kids were happy. I was happy. No one was looking to be entertained. They were doing what kids do best. Running and exploring and feeling like they were discovering the world.

At one point, my wise little three year old exclaimed, "This is a Magical Forest!" And it was.

I felt my inner child resurface as I watched the kids discovering this Enchanted Forest. I remember doing the same thing when I was little. It took me back to the 'forest' of trees in behind our home when we lived on the farm.

It was a magical outing. Now if only we could find magic like this every day ...

This Isn't What I Was Expecting...

Euphoria must be exhausting. I'm so tired and overwhelmed it almost hurts ...

First of all, did fall really have to come this year? I was just getting into the swing of enjoying summer, long days and short nights when POOF! The days started shrinking, the leaves started turning and the mornings had a little 'nip' in the air.

It hurt to think of what I had to do to ready the yard for the change of seasons. I wrote a short list. I have accomplished almost everything on it. If I was wise, I would add 'clean out the garage' to that list. I don't know if I have any wisdom left.

I have promised myself to write a fall newsletter for my daycare families. I am so out of words that I have not been able to update our daycare blog daily. The words I do have at the end of a day need a little time to mellow before they are fit for human consumption. There has been so much crying. It hasn't all been mine...

I have a family reunion to tend. I just need to shift my focus there for a good, uninterrupted space of time and then I can just leave it alone. But I just don't have time before my daycare day begins and I don't have ambition after my daycare day ends. I will focus on that, this upcoming weekend...

I was toying with the idea of going away for the Thanksgiving weekend. I cannot even begin to think of expending the energy to leave the house right now. I think I'll table that notion until I have this upcoming weekend under my belt.

I wasn't expecting this. I think that is why it 'hurts' so much.

I was anticipating the energy and elation I used to feel after I wrote an exam when I was taking correspondence courses.

The difference between 'then' and 'now' is the fact that I used to clean the house as I procrastinated, while 'studying'. This time, as I put our family book project ahead of everything else in my life, the house simply got dirtier and dirtier. I got to the end goal and have a dirty house to contend with at the end of it all.

I think the energy will come. Just not during the week. I really, really need a free weekend. Maybe two.

I just want to hunker down and have a 'cat day'. A day of intermittent napping, snacking and bathing. A day of lazing on the couch, in a sunbeam.

I don't think today will be that day. I have four 'little people' to tend, referee, feed and entertain.

I am so tired.

I wonder if the kids will all go down for their nap right after breakfast...