I have just inhaled this day. When I woke up to a completely blank slate, I wondered how in the world I would fill it. One word quietly came to mind "laughter".
My Second Son dropped by a few nights ago and told me a traumatic little story about "his body calling the shots" these days and he had me clutching my sides. I laughed so long and so hard that it physically hurt me. I knew in that moment that the gift of laughter has been sorely lacking within this quiet little life of mine.
I laughed a lot this Sunday. I wrote a little blog about it over at MyKawartha.com:
http://www.mykawartha.com/blogs/post/6459725-day-of-yes/
Sunday, April 10, 2016
Saturday, April 9, 2016
Gonna Fly Now!
I have survived one of the toughest weeks in recent history. Why was it so hard? Because I made it that way. Me, myself and I. Yes, I lived inside a busy, frustrated mind this past five days.
A week ago, I got sidetracked by my reality and decided I couldn't live the life I am presently living until I die. So I got derailed trying to dream up ways to get from living to dying as contentedly as humanly possible.
I thought a "five year plan" would be a good idea, because I read that when you stop planning, you stop living. I have stopped living life the way it should be lived, so I took that comment personally. When I react emotionally to a problem, it rarely turns out good.
I played around with frivolous ideas and plans. I tried to get serious and devise a financial route from "here" to "there". I tried to focus on where I want to go, while taking care of four children, ages one to three years old. That is not a winning combination. Granted, I have had a very challenging time with "said children" lately and that was the root of my discontent.
We are coming out of a winter of too much indoor confinement, too many repetitive kinds of days which have led to repetitive behaviours which have been spiralling in a negative direction. We need variety, sunshine, new scenery and a renewed "me" to break out of this spell.
I pulled out my "vision board" for my daycare and I have some ideas. Ideas bring light into my thoughts and that is always a good thing. I showed the kids the pictures of the "ideas" I have and they were quite excited about this hopeful new turn. I did warn them though, "It's a little bit like asking Santa Claus for a gift. You may want lots and lots and lots of things, but he can only bring you one or two. So I have to choose. Maybe we can only get one or two of these things. But this is what I'm hoping for ..."
So our "yesterday" was a good one. The day prior, I had unleashed my words to my friend who is a daycare provider. She brought me back down to earth and reminded me to be realistic with my expectations of myself. I spoke with my parents about some of the behaviours which have been spiralling in a downward direction and we had some good conversations. These conversations are not hard to have because I usually lead with "what's happening, what I have done and what I will do to try to make things better". Then yesterday, I did my best to just be the best "me" I could be and move forward.
The day still had the potential to go terribly awry but I didn't lose myself in "two year old" drama. I just did my best and let that be good enough.
I closed the door at the end of my week and felt okay again. I sort of felt like Rocky at the top of the steps:
A week ago, I got sidetracked by my reality and decided I couldn't live the life I am presently living until I die. So I got derailed trying to dream up ways to get from living to dying as contentedly as humanly possible.
I thought a "five year plan" would be a good idea, because I read that when you stop planning, you stop living. I have stopped living life the way it should be lived, so I took that comment personally. When I react emotionally to a problem, it rarely turns out good.
I played around with frivolous ideas and plans. I tried to get serious and devise a financial route from "here" to "there". I tried to focus on where I want to go, while taking care of four children, ages one to three years old. That is not a winning combination. Granted, I have had a very challenging time with "said children" lately and that was the root of my discontent.
We are coming out of a winter of too much indoor confinement, too many repetitive kinds of days which have led to repetitive behaviours which have been spiralling in a negative direction. We need variety, sunshine, new scenery and a renewed "me" to break out of this spell.
I pulled out my "vision board" for my daycare and I have some ideas. Ideas bring light into my thoughts and that is always a good thing. I showed the kids the pictures of the "ideas" I have and they were quite excited about this hopeful new turn. I did warn them though, "It's a little bit like asking Santa Claus for a gift. You may want lots and lots and lots of things, but he can only bring you one or two. So I have to choose. Maybe we can only get one or two of these things. But this is what I'm hoping for ..."
So our "yesterday" was a good one. The day prior, I had unleashed my words to my friend who is a daycare provider. She brought me back down to earth and reminded me to be realistic with my expectations of myself. I spoke with my parents about some of the behaviours which have been spiralling in a downward direction and we had some good conversations. These conversations are not hard to have because I usually lead with "what's happening, what I have done and what I will do to try to make things better". Then yesterday, I did my best to just be the best "me" I could be and move forward.
The day still had the potential to go terribly awry but I didn't lose myself in "two year old" drama. I just did my best and let that be good enough.
I closed the door at the end of my week and felt okay again. I sort of felt like Rocky at the top of the steps:
My victory lap included making a "real" meat and potatoes for supper and filling the house with the aroma of someone who cares once again.
It was a long week. But I survived and maybe I will even thrive now that I'm on the other end of a renewed sense of hope, goals and my eye on the immediate future I hope to create within this little life I lead. "I'm gonna fly now..."
Thursday, April 7, 2016
Lost in the Future, Savoring Today
I am writing over at MyKawartha today. This post comes to you from a dream, which I believe was my subconscious mind reminding me to get my thoughts back into "the present" and appreciate that which I already have.
I have been berating myself for allowing myself to stop dreaming, but I don't think my dreams have ever really died. I have simply not been "planning". Planning depletes me. Dreaming invigorates me. I think I'll focus on the dreams and let the planning take care of itself. Of course, I wrote a little blog about it: http://www.mykawartha.com/blogs/post/6454996-lost-in-the-future-savoring-today/
I have been berating myself for allowing myself to stop dreaming, but I don't think my dreams have ever really died. I have simply not been "planning". Planning depletes me. Dreaming invigorates me. I think I'll focus on the dreams and let the planning take care of itself. Of course, I wrote a little blog about it: http://www.mykawartha.com/blogs/post/6454996-lost-in-the-future-savoring-today/
Wednesday, April 6, 2016
Leaning Into Transition
The sun is waking up at 6:30, I spotted my first robin of the season, I heard geese flying overhead, there is a little bit of "green" showing up in the grass, the leaves on our lilac bush are starting to bud and we had one day of summer this past weekend. Then yesterday the clouds rolled in, the wind howled and it was miserable and cold and snowy.
We are somewhere in between winter and spring and it is mostly wonderful but I am just so impatient for the sun to come out and play that my mood has felt as stormy as the skies above, as we weather this transition. I feel like Mother Nature is messing with my mind.
I keep reminding myself that we had such a mild winter that I shouldn't feel so disgruntled over the fact that Spring has not quite made up its mind if it is here to stay, but I'm having a hard time convincing myself to look at the bright side. I'm ready for the sun. That is all.
I was berating myself for being so impatient with the weather. In the business of running a daycare, being able to be outside and let kids be kids for hours on end is a life saver. We survive winter. We thrive in spring, summer and fall. Our survival mode has expired. We are ready for the sun!
I started questioning why this winter in particular felt so hard. Then I realized what has tipped the balance this year. We have just endured our first winter without the TV in the living room.
In the past, when winter came upon us I would turn on the TV and it would act as a distraction when the games became too wild or behaviours I don't encourage started dominating the state of play. Distract, distract, distract. That was my sanity saver in the past. This past winter, we didn't have the same means of distraction so we would go downstairs or head outside or bring up a new box of toys to change the mood when the mood needed to be changed.
The kids are so "I've been there and done that ... ALL winter long!" that we are all at the end of our ropes. They are even acting bored when we go outside because we have been outside so much during the winter, that the outside toys have lost their lustre far before spring even showed up.
Yesterday morning, I physically felt "sick". There was not one thing wrong with me other than an extreme case of anxiety over the up and coming day, seasoned with a good dose of guilt and a dash of worry. I took my symptoms and worked through them. I made hamburger soup for lunch to ensure I fed my body and soul some good, hearty nourishment. While I tended to the soup, the kids dumped toys all over the living room (and played with the empty boxes). I just took long, deep breaths and endured a cold, snowy, windy spring day inside. Once I filled the house with the aroma of "home cooking" and let myself off the hook and declared it an "inside day", my heart lightened up and my nervous stomach relaxed.
I don't enjoy times of transition. I like to be on one side or the other. I don't like the state in between. I feel like the seasons of the year are mirroring what I am feeling inside. I think I need to look beyond the life I am living and set some new goals. In the meantime, I feel like I am stuck somewhere in between winter and spring. I know "this" is not how I want to spend the rest of my life. Can I commit to five years of "this" if Spring is waiting for me on the other side? How can I make my Winter more enjoyable if I tell myself I have five more years of "this" ahead?
I sat still and created two "Vision Boards" a while ago. I started off with my own personal "vision" but it quickly segued to a vision I wanted to create for my daycare. After I felt good about where my daycare was at, I came back to my own goals and they were easier for me to see.
I just went to my vision boards and discovered they are in perfect alignment with the goals I sat still and wrote yesterday. I was amazed when I read the quotes that I interjected into my vision. The one that grabbed my attention immediately was, "Begin Where You Are".
Yesterday I found myself stuck in the "How??" of it all. Today my answer came to me from a vision board I created a month ago. "You are the designer of your destiny You are the author. You write the story. The pen is in your hand. And the outcome is whatever you choose."
I choose to enjoy "Winter" for as long as it must last. I will utilize this time of transition and make it work for me. It will be as long or as short as it needs to be. But the reality is that transition is a necessary part of change. I can fight it or I can lean into it. I choose to lean into it and enjoy the state of being in between "there" and "where I am right now".
Right now, I may go and see if I can find a frame for my vision board and place it directly in my line of sight. I need to remind myself that I already know my own answers. The state of being in between two places is distracting me from what I know to be true for me.
What visions have you set? Are you in a state of transition? When you write down your goals can you connect the dots between your "now" and "then"? Come join me in this uncomfortable state of transition and try to take that first step in faith.
We are somewhere in between winter and spring and it is mostly wonderful but I am just so impatient for the sun to come out and play that my mood has felt as stormy as the skies above, as we weather this transition. I feel like Mother Nature is messing with my mind.
I keep reminding myself that we had such a mild winter that I shouldn't feel so disgruntled over the fact that Spring has not quite made up its mind if it is here to stay, but I'm having a hard time convincing myself to look at the bright side. I'm ready for the sun. That is all.
I was berating myself for being so impatient with the weather. In the business of running a daycare, being able to be outside and let kids be kids for hours on end is a life saver. We survive winter. We thrive in spring, summer and fall. Our survival mode has expired. We are ready for the sun!
I started questioning why this winter in particular felt so hard. Then I realized what has tipped the balance this year. We have just endured our first winter without the TV in the living room.
In the past, when winter came upon us I would turn on the TV and it would act as a distraction when the games became too wild or behaviours I don't encourage started dominating the state of play. Distract, distract, distract. That was my sanity saver in the past. This past winter, we didn't have the same means of distraction so we would go downstairs or head outside or bring up a new box of toys to change the mood when the mood needed to be changed.
The kids are so "I've been there and done that ... ALL winter long!" that we are all at the end of our ropes. They are even acting bored when we go outside because we have been outside so much during the winter, that the outside toys have lost their lustre far before spring even showed up.
Yesterday morning, I physically felt "sick". There was not one thing wrong with me other than an extreme case of anxiety over the up and coming day, seasoned with a good dose of guilt and a dash of worry. I took my symptoms and worked through them. I made hamburger soup for lunch to ensure I fed my body and soul some good, hearty nourishment. While I tended to the soup, the kids dumped toys all over the living room (and played with the empty boxes). I just took long, deep breaths and endured a cold, snowy, windy spring day inside. Once I filled the house with the aroma of "home cooking" and let myself off the hook and declared it an "inside day", my heart lightened up and my nervous stomach relaxed.
I don't enjoy times of transition. I like to be on one side or the other. I don't like the state in between. I feel like the seasons of the year are mirroring what I am feeling inside. I think I need to look beyond the life I am living and set some new goals. In the meantime, I feel like I am stuck somewhere in between winter and spring. I know "this" is not how I want to spend the rest of my life. Can I commit to five years of "this" if Spring is waiting for me on the other side? How can I make my Winter more enjoyable if I tell myself I have five more years of "this" ahead?
I sat still and created two "Vision Boards" a while ago. I started off with my own personal "vision" but it quickly segued to a vision I wanted to create for my daycare. After I felt good about where my daycare was at, I came back to my own goals and they were easier for me to see.
I just went to my vision boards and discovered they are in perfect alignment with the goals I sat still and wrote yesterday. I was amazed when I read the quotes that I interjected into my vision. The one that grabbed my attention immediately was, "Begin Where You Are".
I choose to enjoy "Winter" for as long as it must last. I will utilize this time of transition and make it work for me. It will be as long or as short as it needs to be. But the reality is that transition is a necessary part of change. I can fight it or I can lean into it. I choose to lean into it and enjoy the state of being in between "there" and "where I am right now".
Right now, I may go and see if I can find a frame for my vision board and place it directly in my line of sight. I need to remind myself that I already know my own answers. The state of being in between two places is distracting me from what I know to be true for me.
What visions have you set? Are you in a state of transition? When you write down your goals can you connect the dots between your "now" and "then"? Come join me in this uncomfortable state of transition and try to take that first step in faith.
Tuesday, April 5, 2016
Reeling in Emotion
My heart is so heavy this morning, I can hardly function.
I have emotion sitting inside of me that is coming from (seemingly) no where. I feel anxious, my heart "hurts", I do not want this day to unfold. And there is no reason for it.
My "Living Brave" course is directing me to be curious about my emotion. So, this is me being curious:
What is the matter with you?
I have no idea. I don't want to function today.
Why? What are you feeling?
I feel exhausted. I feel overwhelmed. I feel scared.
Why are you exhausted?
I can't get enough quiet and sleep lately. I choose sleep over getting up early and then I miss the quiet time I didn't give myself in the morning and walk into the day feeling unprepared, unrested and inadequate.
Why are you overwhelmed?
Because I walk into my day feeling inadequate, it seems I never catch up to a moment where I feel like I'm "ready to go". The day walks in the door and takes over. I try and want to be "in the present moment" but if the kid's needs don't distract me from that savoring the moment I'm in, I do it to myself. I am sabotaging even the smallest goals I set for myself. Then I start spiralling. I'm not enough. I am not doing a good enough job. This is hard...
Why are you scared?
Because "this" is the life I have chosen. "This" is what I am successful doing. "This" is what I have always wanted. "This" is it for me. I can't see out of the moment I'm in and I feel anxious and scared and overwhelmed when I think of doing anything else. But I'm suffocating here.
What can you do to push through this and get to the other side? What is within your control?
In reality, nothing is within my control. I think that is what is paralysing me. I tried to control my own destiny by looking outside of my home for a source of income. I failed miserably. I wasn't happy, nor did I earn enough to pay the bills. I know I am exactly where I need to be right now. But I can make a plan. I need to make a plan. I will sit down with my "dream notepad" and sketch out a vision of where I want to be five years from now.
Will that help you today?
I don't know. I started the day with this very thought yesterday and once the kids walk in the door, my dreams fizzle and die. It is a minute to minute existence I live with, once my one to three year old friends walk in the door.
Can you do more than you did yesterday?
I don't know. I never know. I think I can do these things. But I can't. I swim in circles all day. I'm not going anywhere and I'm tired of swimming.
What else is going on inside of your head and your thoughts?
I called Mom to wish her a "Happy Birthday" last night and I even failed at that.
Failed? How can you fail at a conversation?
I didn't rehearse my words in my head. I didn't really feel like talking. I just wanted to do the right thing and I think Mom "heard" my resistance to speaking (but in reality, I believe she was feeling just as "resistant" as I was to having a conversation). I was disappointed that I went out of my way to ensure she received my letter/card on her birthday and she didn't trust the envelope (I sent it in an "Express Mail" envelope), so she didn't open it. Our conversations always go better when she is the one who has initiated the call. I know that. I think I even understand that. Her hearing is compromised so conversations are hard. She needs to be the one who does most of the talking. And you have to be in the right mood to carry a conversation. Thus, our conversations always go better when she is the one dialling the phone.
What else is going on?
I'm feeling "guilt". I know Mom is not particularly fond of birthdays. "Mother's Day" is her thing. Last year was a hard year for her because that was the age when her dad and two of her sisters died. I don't really know what she may be thinking/feeling to surpass that age. I really have no idea. I just feel like she may not have been in a celebratory mood on her birthday this year. I feel badly for not acknowledging that yesterday, even though it was in the back of my thoughts.
Do you expect yourself to be a mind reader, in your quest to be perfect at whatever you set out to do?
I guess so.
Do you think you may expect too much of yourself?
Perhaps.
Where can you give yourself a bit of a break?
This is why I sleep, I pick up take-out food or cook something that is frozen, prepared for me and straight out of a box. This is how I nurture myself when I'm overwhelmed. But I can't get enough sleep. I'm back to where I was at the beginning of this question period.
Can you stop thinking? Can you write down what is tangible and somewhat within your control? Can you try to realign your thinking to what is right and positive and good in your world?
Yes. Yes I can. And I will.
I will do that right now, in between tending the little people in my midst. I can and I will. Right now.
I have emotion sitting inside of me that is coming from (seemingly) no where. I feel anxious, my heart "hurts", I do not want this day to unfold. And there is no reason for it.
My "Living Brave" course is directing me to be curious about my emotion. So, this is me being curious:
What is the matter with you?
I have no idea. I don't want to function today.
Why? What are you feeling?
I feel exhausted. I feel overwhelmed. I feel scared.
Why are you exhausted?
I can't get enough quiet and sleep lately. I choose sleep over getting up early and then I miss the quiet time I didn't give myself in the morning and walk into the day feeling unprepared, unrested and inadequate.
Why are you overwhelmed?
Because I walk into my day feeling inadequate, it seems I never catch up to a moment where I feel like I'm "ready to go". The day walks in the door and takes over. I try and want to be "in the present moment" but if the kid's needs don't distract me from that savoring the moment I'm in, I do it to myself. I am sabotaging even the smallest goals I set for myself. Then I start spiralling. I'm not enough. I am not doing a good enough job. This is hard...
Why are you scared?
Because "this" is the life I have chosen. "This" is what I am successful doing. "This" is what I have always wanted. "This" is it for me. I can't see out of the moment I'm in and I feel anxious and scared and overwhelmed when I think of doing anything else. But I'm suffocating here.
What can you do to push through this and get to the other side? What is within your control?
In reality, nothing is within my control. I think that is what is paralysing me. I tried to control my own destiny by looking outside of my home for a source of income. I failed miserably. I wasn't happy, nor did I earn enough to pay the bills. I know I am exactly where I need to be right now. But I can make a plan. I need to make a plan. I will sit down with my "dream notepad" and sketch out a vision of where I want to be five years from now.
Will that help you today?
I don't know. I started the day with this very thought yesterday and once the kids walk in the door, my dreams fizzle and die. It is a minute to minute existence I live with, once my one to three year old friends walk in the door.
Can you do more than you did yesterday?
I don't know. I never know. I think I can do these things. But I can't. I swim in circles all day. I'm not going anywhere and I'm tired of swimming.
What else is going on inside of your head and your thoughts?
I called Mom to wish her a "Happy Birthday" last night and I even failed at that.
Failed? How can you fail at a conversation?
I didn't rehearse my words in my head. I didn't really feel like talking. I just wanted to do the right thing and I think Mom "heard" my resistance to speaking (but in reality, I believe she was feeling just as "resistant" as I was to having a conversation). I was disappointed that I went out of my way to ensure she received my letter/card on her birthday and she didn't trust the envelope (I sent it in an "Express Mail" envelope), so she didn't open it. Our conversations always go better when she is the one who has initiated the call. I know that. I think I even understand that. Her hearing is compromised so conversations are hard. She needs to be the one who does most of the talking. And you have to be in the right mood to carry a conversation. Thus, our conversations always go better when she is the one dialling the phone.
What else is going on?
I'm feeling "guilt". I know Mom is not particularly fond of birthdays. "Mother's Day" is her thing. Last year was a hard year for her because that was the age when her dad and two of her sisters died. I don't really know what she may be thinking/feeling to surpass that age. I really have no idea. I just feel like she may not have been in a celebratory mood on her birthday this year. I feel badly for not acknowledging that yesterday, even though it was in the back of my thoughts.
Do you expect yourself to be a mind reader, in your quest to be perfect at whatever you set out to do?
I guess so.
Do you think you may expect too much of yourself?
Perhaps.
Where can you give yourself a bit of a break?
This is why I sleep, I pick up take-out food or cook something that is frozen, prepared for me and straight out of a box. This is how I nurture myself when I'm overwhelmed. But I can't get enough sleep. I'm back to where I was at the beginning of this question period.
Can you stop thinking? Can you write down what is tangible and somewhat within your control? Can you try to realign your thinking to what is right and positive and good in your world?
Yes. Yes I can. And I will.
I will do that right now, in between tending the little people in my midst. I can and I will. Right now.
Monday, April 4, 2016
The Possibility of Making Impossible Dreams Come True
I was digging deep to answer some of the questions in the "Living Brave" course I am working through. We are four chapters into the book "Rising Strong", which is about picking yourself up after a fall (and so much more).
I had to go back many decades to unearth when I was going through the questions on "offloading hurt". The more questions I answered, the further back I had to go. As I worked my way through the lesson I realized the times I got back up again after a fall were when life came into focus, I realigned myself with new goals and I grew.
I have been stagnant for a lot of years. The most traumatic event was a bad work experience four years ago. There is a small part of me that still hurts when I unearth this experience but 99% of my thoughts pertain to the lessons learned and the compassion I gained. Each and every time I use this experience to tell a story I almost always end with, "It was a very good lesson for me."
I have moved on since then. I'm still incredibly gun shy about ever working outside of my home again so I suppose I gained a battle scar that still hurts when the weather changes. But all in all, I have moved beyond this little glitch in my story.
I was sitting still with these thoughts, thinking "I need a crisis in my life to create a need to push me out of this comfortable spot and back into the arena of 'living' again..." when I picked up the phone and talked with a friend.
It wasn't divine timing, yet it was. We had arranged to have time for a "phone visit" a week ago. The timing of that call just happened to be when I was focusing on the growth that always came after a fall, when I talked with her.
This friend has been through a lot the past few years. The second last time I spoke with her, she sounded defeated. I have never ever heard defeat in her voice before. It scared me. Then we spoke at Christmas time and she had a plan. She was in the process of signing up to attend the Hoffman Institute. The Hoffman Process was exactly what she needed to pick herself up and be in a place where she was ready to answer the question "Where do I go from here??"
It seems like the moment she came out of the darkness and had an idea of the direction she wanted to go, doors started opening. So many of these "doors" were in perfect alignment with each other and the plan she had set in motion before her world caved in around her. She is open and receptive to being an active part of her own life again. It is as if she has had CPR for her soul. She was exactly where I wanted to be. Standing on the other side of the crevice which almost enveloped her. She isn't at the top of her mountain yet but she is standing victorious and taking in the view before she starts her upward climb again.
One of the most amazing coincidences is how her present list of goals correlates with some of my goals. One of the goals I abandoned five years ago was fulfilling my practicum in order to attain my fitness trainer certification. I was "that close" to completion. I never followed through. My friend is exactly where I was when I abandoned ship. She has been given an opportunity to follow through and complete this!
Someone planted the seed of opening up a Bed and Breakfast when she was in the mire of not knowing where she was going to wake up in the morning (not quite, she was just "in between homes and lives" at that point in time) and now that she is coming out the other side of all of these life changing transitions, she is realizing the possibility of owning a B & B is something she is keenly interested in. She mentioned the idea of a business partner ...
Wow! My youngest son is "this close" to becoming an independent entity from myself. I am quite possibly five years away from making life changing decisions about where I live and what I do. I just read about 50 to 60 year olds giving up their dreams and not setting long term goals. All of these factors seem to be lining up in a row and suddenly I see my "impossible dream" could become a possibility if I am not too fearful to make a move.
I know my life is in need of a shake-up. I don't foresee any personal tragedies unfolding which is going to necessitate a "fight or flight" response for me (this has always been my motivating factor in the past). Maybe, just maybe I can peek in some of these doors and see what lies beyond. Maybe it is time to make a "5 Year Plan". Maybe ...
I had to go back many decades to unearth when I was going through the questions on "offloading hurt". The more questions I answered, the further back I had to go. As I worked my way through the lesson I realized the times I got back up again after a fall were when life came into focus, I realigned myself with new goals and I grew.
I have been stagnant for a lot of years. The most traumatic event was a bad work experience four years ago. There is a small part of me that still hurts when I unearth this experience but 99% of my thoughts pertain to the lessons learned and the compassion I gained. Each and every time I use this experience to tell a story I almost always end with, "It was a very good lesson for me."
I have moved on since then. I'm still incredibly gun shy about ever working outside of my home again so I suppose I gained a battle scar that still hurts when the weather changes. But all in all, I have moved beyond this little glitch in my story.
I was sitting still with these thoughts, thinking "I need a crisis in my life to create a need to push me out of this comfortable spot and back into the arena of 'living' again..." when I picked up the phone and talked with a friend.
It wasn't divine timing, yet it was. We had arranged to have time for a "phone visit" a week ago. The timing of that call just happened to be when I was focusing on the growth that always came after a fall, when I talked with her.
This friend has been through a lot the past few years. The second last time I spoke with her, she sounded defeated. I have never ever heard defeat in her voice before. It scared me. Then we spoke at Christmas time and she had a plan. She was in the process of signing up to attend the Hoffman Institute. The Hoffman Process was exactly what she needed to pick herself up and be in a place where she was ready to answer the question "Where do I go from here??"
It seems like the moment she came out of the darkness and had an idea of the direction she wanted to go, doors started opening. So many of these "doors" were in perfect alignment with each other and the plan she had set in motion before her world caved in around her. She is open and receptive to being an active part of her own life again. It is as if she has had CPR for her soul. She was exactly where I wanted to be. Standing on the other side of the crevice which almost enveloped her. She isn't at the top of her mountain yet but she is standing victorious and taking in the view before she starts her upward climb again.
One of the most amazing coincidences is how her present list of goals correlates with some of my goals. One of the goals I abandoned five years ago was fulfilling my practicum in order to attain my fitness trainer certification. I was "that close" to completion. I never followed through. My friend is exactly where I was when I abandoned ship. She has been given an opportunity to follow through and complete this!
Someone planted the seed of opening up a Bed and Breakfast when she was in the mire of not knowing where she was going to wake up in the morning (not quite, she was just "in between homes and lives" at that point in time) and now that she is coming out the other side of all of these life changing transitions, she is realizing the possibility of owning a B & B is something she is keenly interested in. She mentioned the idea of a business partner ...
Wow! My youngest son is "this close" to becoming an independent entity from myself. I am quite possibly five years away from making life changing decisions about where I live and what I do. I just read about 50 to 60 year olds giving up their dreams and not setting long term goals. All of these factors seem to be lining up in a row and suddenly I see my "impossible dream" could become a possibility if I am not too fearful to make a move.
I know my life is in need of a shake-up. I don't foresee any personal tragedies unfolding which is going to necessitate a "fight or flight" response for me (this has always been my motivating factor in the past). Maybe, just maybe I can peek in some of these doors and see what lies beyond. Maybe it is time to make a "5 Year Plan". Maybe ...
Saturday, April 2, 2016
The Noisiest Day
Yesterday was the noisiest "quiet" day I've ever had during my career of running my daycare.
When I discovered I would only have two children coming to daycare, visions of an easy day ran through my head. Then my day began and my dream bubble popped.
I have learned a few things during my fifteen years of daycaring:
When I discovered I would only have two children coming to daycare, visions of an easy day ran through my head. Then my day began and my dream bubble popped.
I have learned a few things during my fifteen years of daycaring:
- "One" is never enough. Kids love kids. Kids love action. Kids love playing. Even when they are arguing incessantly with each other, kids like to spend their day with kids. On the rare occasion when I have only had one child, we try to find other kids to play with.
- "Two" is better than one. For a while. When there is not a third child to trade off, interject new ideas and energy it seems that two children can run out of things to do and tire of each other's company. Sometimes. Not all the time, but a lot of the time.
- "Three" is okay. Much depends on the ages and stages of the children. We very often have "three" children here and there seems to be a good amount of trading off and playing, some disagreements but most of all it's okay.
- Even numbers usually work better than odd numbers. Everybody has a buddy and that usually bodes well for everyone concerned. Usually.
- There is never ever ever a certainty when it comes to kids. What works one day, doesn't work the next. The only thing that is certain is that uncertainty is always a factor.
- What kids are arguing over one day is boring when there is no one else around to argue with. The most coveted toys of all are abandoned when no one else wants to play with them.
- Non-verbal days are hard. Very, very hard. That is all.
- My favorite age is when children learn to blow their nose.
Yesterday was a day of "two", ages 1-1/2 and 2-1/2. The two and a half year old copies everything. Everything. So yesterday, he didn't talk. The one and a half year old had a runny nose. I quite literally had to wipe it every thirty seconds to a minute. Yesterday I logged 14,150 steps on my Fitbit (5.7 miles). I wish my Fitbit measured the decibel level within the house. It was loud. So loud. There was crying. Crying out of frustration (no, it wasn't me) over not being able to take a toy out of a shelf.
It was such a hard day. I was talking to my friend who runs a daycare. I said, "I can't do this for the rest of my life." She replied, "You just have to do this until lunch. Then it's quiet time. Just an hour. That's all you have to do right now ..."
I hung up the phone and we went for an hour long walk. It saved the day. Then quiet time happened. It was the quietest quiet time in recorded history. I do believe my two young, noisy, non-verbal, runny-nosed, frustrated children were tired. They slept. They slept so well. It saved my life.
Then they woke up and we were right back to where we were before they closed their eyes. Sleep did not fix what ailed them. I felt like a referee in a boxing ring. Thank goodness they slept.
The two year old was picked up just as he finished his snack. Then I was down to "one" again. Did I mention "one" is hard? "One" with a very, very runny nose?
I so needed this week to end. Then I woke up to "Saturday". Another work day. But at least this day will challenge my verbal, mathematical and reasoning skills on an adult level. I want to stay home and bury my head under a pillow but at least I can "speak adult" today and the decibel level should be low.
My tolerance is not good right now. I long for a two-day weekend but it may not happen until May. Thank goodness spring has sprung. I do believe sitting in a sunbeam will do me a lot more good than burying my head under a pillow. I just have to get through the day. Then the next thirty six hours are mine, to do with as I please.
I must go now. Our cat is attackinio9g 9999999999999999oik [the other cat just walked across the keyboard and typed that - it should say "attacking"] the closet doors and it sounds like someone is trying to break into the house. Where is that pillow??
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