I think my weekend of work zapped my energy. When another load of work arrived yesterday morning, I could have wept.
But I didn't. I put in almost 4 more hours while the kids were here, but I just couldn't return to it last night after I returned from my dance lesson. Instead ... I ate.
I've been doing that a lot lately. I'm still writing down everything I eat and tracking the calories. I am amazed by the amount of days that my calories soar. But I keep eating.
I bought a book "The End of Over Eating" by David Kessler. I read bits and snatches of it before I bought it (it talks of the fat/sugar/salt craving-connection that I firmly believe is true). There is a name for people like me. I'm a hypereater.
So I zipped right through to the end to see if he had any magical solutions. I didn't find any yet. He talks of making rules for yourself, recognizing the triggers in your eating ... and then I got distracted with life and I haven't returned to see what else he says (this is another one of the 3 books I have on the go).
My first step was eating all of the bad food in the house last week. Mmmm. Sort of tasty, sort of gross. Then, when the weekend arrived what did I do? I bought some more.
I can contain myself all day. It isn't even hard. I love my breakfast and lunch menus. I sit still and savor them (I wait until all of the kid-lunch mess is cleaned up and various 'digestion' issues taken care of). I don't even crave anything between meals (or if I do, I am usually easily distracted by the demands of the day). Supper is a little harder to savor because it feels like I need to run out the door somewhere or do something after supper.
It is after supper that I get into trouble. I'll think 'just one treat'. Then the fat-sugar-salt cycle grabs me and I'm out of control.
Why am I okay all day ... and not in the evening? More often than not, I think I am rewarding myself for getting through the day. I'm nurturing 'me'. I need to find a different reward system.
As I was exercising this morning, I thought I need to associate my junk food/hypereating habits with something negative. If I could just pop a pill that made me feel nauseous every time I ate something fatty/salty/sugary. Or pop that same pill after supper so I didn't want to eat at all. Maybe I should just spin around like a kid every time I have the urge to fall prey to my eating addiction.
Or ... maybe I should just go to bed at 6:30. That might work.
Tuesday, June 30, 2009
Monday, June 29, 2009
Contrasting Weekends
My weekend agendas have been so varied, that my head is spinning.
I had 3 weekends in a row where I had either 1 or both weekend days fully committed to some fun activity. It was fun while it lasted ... but it takes a lot of orchestrating, to free up those days in my life and by the time the 3rd weekend arrived, I was beyond exhausted.
Then there was last weekend ... Ahhh. If ever there was a weekend that I needed to let my hair (what hair?? back to the rotten haircut again!) down, that was it.
But reality had to hit sooner or later. I actually work for a living. And if committing my weekdays to borrowing other people's children (so that I can feed, entertain, discipline and watch over them) isn't enough, I seem to think that I would like a job that challenges my brain and a new direction to aspire towards. Thus, my part time book keeping job.
The year end for this company was last month and we are now tying up (many) loose ends to help them prepare what they need for their accountant. The tasks on the to-do-list are endless. And they are brutally painful. Not catching up one month of back log ... but 12 (that is, if we have all the paperwork required to do this catching up).
I devoted 9 1/2 solid hours (not counting my one hour break) to the job on Saturday and 2 + 4 hours (a 3 hour break to take Kurt to see 'The Transformers' movie) yesterday. I started each day at 8:15 am and I called it quits at 6:30.
I need another weekend.
The sad part is, that this is just the beginning. And to make matters worse, I believe that we will be trying to squeeze a lot of this work into the next 3 weeks. I was recently asked when I may have time to stop for a visit & coffee, and as I fast forwarded through my obligations to this company, my own life and the catch-up required after taking some time for my own plans ... I said, "Maybe in the fall."
Kurt looked at the work I had spread around me on Saturday and the smaller pile I was working with on Sunday and said, "At least when you worked on Saturdays, you didn't bring your work home with you." Yes - I thought that 6th work day to keep my foot in the door at the Credit Union was exhausting. But look what I've done. Not only the book keeping, but the idea of creating another family history book when I'm just a little bit over my head ... and the idea of gathering with friends and family in my down time ...
I need another weekend.
I had 3 weekends in a row where I had either 1 or both weekend days fully committed to some fun activity. It was fun while it lasted ... but it takes a lot of orchestrating, to free up those days in my life and by the time the 3rd weekend arrived, I was beyond exhausted.
Then there was last weekend ... Ahhh. If ever there was a weekend that I needed to let my hair (what hair?? back to the rotten haircut again!) down, that was it.
But reality had to hit sooner or later. I actually work for a living. And if committing my weekdays to borrowing other people's children (so that I can feed, entertain, discipline and watch over them) isn't enough, I seem to think that I would like a job that challenges my brain and a new direction to aspire towards. Thus, my part time book keeping job.
The year end for this company was last month and we are now tying up (many) loose ends to help them prepare what they need for their accountant. The tasks on the to-do-list are endless. And they are brutally painful. Not catching up one month of back log ... but 12 (that is, if we have all the paperwork required to do this catching up).
I devoted 9 1/2 solid hours (not counting my one hour break) to the job on Saturday and 2 + 4 hours (a 3 hour break to take Kurt to see 'The Transformers' movie) yesterday. I started each day at 8:15 am and I called it quits at 6:30.
I need another weekend.
The sad part is, that this is just the beginning. And to make matters worse, I believe that we will be trying to squeeze a lot of this work into the next 3 weeks. I was recently asked when I may have time to stop for a visit & coffee, and as I fast forwarded through my obligations to this company, my own life and the catch-up required after taking some time for my own plans ... I said, "Maybe in the fall."
Kurt looked at the work I had spread around me on Saturday and the smaller pile I was working with on Sunday and said, "At least when you worked on Saturdays, you didn't bring your work home with you." Yes - I thought that 6th work day to keep my foot in the door at the Credit Union was exhausting. But look what I've done. Not only the book keeping, but the idea of creating another family history book when I'm just a little bit over my head ... and the idea of gathering with friends and family in my down time ...
I need another weekend.
Sunday, June 28, 2009
Quick Thoughts
I've been pretty wordy here lately so it's time for something brief.
I'm reading the book 'Picture Perfect' (one of the 3 books that I have on the go right now) by Jodi Picoult. She is fast becoming my new favorite author ('My Sister's Keeper' is a book that she wrote that is in the theatres right now).
Anyway ....
I am in awe of her writing and the way she paints her stories. I love the fact that she has the ability to surprise me.
This is a quote from her book that I just had to write down as soon as I read it:
"There are millions of people in the world and the spirits will see that most of them, you never have to meet. But there are one or two you are tied to and the spirits will cross you back and forth, threading so many knots, until they catch and you finally get it right."
When I think of the many people who have touched my life, I like to visualize the 'knots' that keep some people close, no matter where our differing paths have led us.
I think that this quote is possibly alluding to the 'ultimate relationship' of the person you fall in love with. Perhaps I don't have that particular knot. But my life is so full and I have so many special people that touch my world, I don't feel that I'm lacking.
I think we all need to feel that connection. The ties, friendships, kinship and comraderie that one gets from being around someone who 'gets' you. It breathes life into your soul.
I'm reading the book 'Picture Perfect' (one of the 3 books that I have on the go right now) by Jodi Picoult. She is fast becoming my new favorite author ('My Sister's Keeper' is a book that she wrote that is in the theatres right now).
Anyway ....
I am in awe of her writing and the way she paints her stories. I love the fact that she has the ability to surprise me.
This is a quote from her book that I just had to write down as soon as I read it:
"There are millions of people in the world and the spirits will see that most of them, you never have to meet. But there are one or two you are tied to and the spirits will cross you back and forth, threading so many knots, until they catch and you finally get it right."
When I think of the many people who have touched my life, I like to visualize the 'knots' that keep some people close, no matter where our differing paths have led us.
I think that this quote is possibly alluding to the 'ultimate relationship' of the person you fall in love with. Perhaps I don't have that particular knot. But my life is so full and I have so many special people that touch my world, I don't feel that I'm lacking.
I think we all need to feel that connection. The ties, friendships, kinship and comraderie that one gets from being around someone who 'gets' you. It breathes life into your soul.
Saturday, June 27, 2009
Reach Out and Touch Someone
I love when I know that my words have touched some one.
I write. A lot. I write in this blog, a family blog, a daycare blog for my families, a daycare blog about my families (just kidding ... it is about the experiences I've had in my 10 years of daycaring) and a friendship blog. I also have the ability to write in my dance studio's blog (but since my blog drafts never get read (?) or posted, I've quit writing there).
This blog is my journal. My many thoughts about many things. Simply how the world around me touches my life and how I feel about it.
My daycare blog for my families, is their journal. It's a way for them to have a look inside of our day here. I include menus, stories, pictures and videos to paint a visual picture of how our day went.
My other daycare blog is a place to reflect, tell my perspective on how I see things and what (I think) I've learned in my many years of daycare.
The friendship blog is for a small group of friends and was started in the hopes of gaining some momentum and a way of bridging the gap for those who have moved away.
The family blog started slowly, but is gaining some interest.
In these many blogs of mine, I have different 'audiences' and I write accordingly. The blogs that I tend to forget to write in regularly, are the ones that don't appear to have that readership. A few words of acknowledgement is all it takes for me to gain the momentum I need to write.
I email. Not as much as I used to. But to anyone that responds, I write.
I love the power of a group email to initiate a get together. It is a fantastic way of making sure everyone gets the same information and who ever doesn't respond, I know I must follow up with a phone call.
I love knowing that I can write an email any time of the day or night and that the recipient will read it if and when they have the time. I'm not interrupting their day. If they take the time to check their email, hopefully that means they have the time and energy to read it.
I write letters and notes. Not as often as I used to (because I email so much). But even (especially!) in this world of electronic communication, a personal note/letter/or card in one's physical mail box is a precious find. I love to see some one's handwriting on the outside of an envelope. My heart soars, thinking "This one is for me!!" (as compared to the bills, statements, junk mail and other assorted typed envelopes).
I use the phone sparingly. I know that I'm taking the chance of interrupting some one's day when I call. The phone rings and although we have the power to ignore it, most of the time we don't. It interrupts family time, quiet time, busy times and many other times. I have no qualms about answering my phone (though on some occasions I do ignore it) ... but I hate to interject myself into someone else's day. So I don't phone as often as I write.
Anyway ....
What inspired this post about reaching out to people, is the small amount of gifts that I have received lately.
A handful of comments on a few different blogs. The comments let me know that my words have touched a chord with someone out there. I feel like there is a reason that I have this overwhelming amount of excess words in me, when my words spark a memory, touch an emotion or some one feels a similar kinship/understanding.
Another handful of people tell me that they read my blogs and once again, I am fueled with the knowledge that I am making a small difference in some way, to someone else's day.
I find various friends and relatives in my inbox on a semi regular basis. There is nothing that excites me more, than finding a familiar name (and a lot of those names have been relatives lately) in my inbox.
This morning, I woke to find an email from a relative and 2 comments made on the family blog. What a fantastic jump start to the day!!
Yesterday, I called a friend. It was one of those phone calls that was perfectly timed. She had the time to talk ... and she needed to talk. She is one of those people that openly declares just how wonderful it was that I called and she regularly and openly acknowledges our long lasting friendship and our mutual understanding/compassion of each other.
Yes - I took a chance and actually dialed the phone. I reached out and 'touched' someone. It feels so great to be on the receiving end of those perfectly timed calls, emails or inspirational reading. It also feels pretty good to be on the giving end.
I write. A lot. I write in this blog, a family blog, a daycare blog for my families, a daycare blog about my families (just kidding ... it is about the experiences I've had in my 10 years of daycaring) and a friendship blog. I also have the ability to write in my dance studio's blog (but since my blog drafts never get read (?) or posted, I've quit writing there).
This blog is my journal. My many thoughts about many things. Simply how the world around me touches my life and how I feel about it.
My daycare blog for my families, is their journal. It's a way for them to have a look inside of our day here. I include menus, stories, pictures and videos to paint a visual picture of how our day went.
My other daycare blog is a place to reflect, tell my perspective on how I see things and what (I think) I've learned in my many years of daycare.
The friendship blog is for a small group of friends and was started in the hopes of gaining some momentum and a way of bridging the gap for those who have moved away.
The family blog started slowly, but is gaining some interest.
In these many blogs of mine, I have different 'audiences' and I write accordingly. The blogs that I tend to forget to write in regularly, are the ones that don't appear to have that readership. A few words of acknowledgement is all it takes for me to gain the momentum I need to write.
I email. Not as much as I used to. But to anyone that responds, I write.
I love the power of a group email to initiate a get together. It is a fantastic way of making sure everyone gets the same information and who ever doesn't respond, I know I must follow up with a phone call.
I love knowing that I can write an email any time of the day or night and that the recipient will read it if and when they have the time. I'm not interrupting their day. If they take the time to check their email, hopefully that means they have the time and energy to read it.
I write letters and notes. Not as often as I used to (because I email so much). But even (especially!) in this world of electronic communication, a personal note/letter/or card in one's physical mail box is a precious find. I love to see some one's handwriting on the outside of an envelope. My heart soars, thinking "This one is for me!!" (as compared to the bills, statements, junk mail and other assorted typed envelopes).
I use the phone sparingly. I know that I'm taking the chance of interrupting some one's day when I call. The phone rings and although we have the power to ignore it, most of the time we don't. It interrupts family time, quiet time, busy times and many other times. I have no qualms about answering my phone (though on some occasions I do ignore it) ... but I hate to interject myself into someone else's day. So I don't phone as often as I write.
Anyway ....
What inspired this post about reaching out to people, is the small amount of gifts that I have received lately.
A handful of comments on a few different blogs. The comments let me know that my words have touched a chord with someone out there. I feel like there is a reason that I have this overwhelming amount of excess words in me, when my words spark a memory, touch an emotion or some one feels a similar kinship/understanding.
Another handful of people tell me that they read my blogs and once again, I am fueled with the knowledge that I am making a small difference in some way, to someone else's day.
I find various friends and relatives in my inbox on a semi regular basis. There is nothing that excites me more, than finding a familiar name (and a lot of those names have been relatives lately) in my inbox.
This morning, I woke to find an email from a relative and 2 comments made on the family blog. What a fantastic jump start to the day!!
Yesterday, I called a friend. It was one of those phone calls that was perfectly timed. She had the time to talk ... and she needed to talk. She is one of those people that openly declares just how wonderful it was that I called and she regularly and openly acknowledges our long lasting friendship and our mutual understanding/compassion of each other.
Yes - I took a chance and actually dialed the phone. I reached out and 'touched' someone. It feels so great to be on the receiving end of those perfectly timed calls, emails or inspirational reading. It also feels pretty good to be on the giving end.
Friday, June 26, 2009
Meandering Thoughts
My thoughts are quite literally all over the map this morning. As my fingers fly over the keyboard in the few minutes that I have before my day officially begins, I know that I won't even scratch the surface.
Random thoughts:
I am 2 weeks into the worst haircut in my recent history. I physically cringe when I see the 'bowl cut' sitting on top of my head. It is so much worse at the dance studio when I see my full image, topped up with this horribly ugly hair style.
What I am grateful for:
Hair grows
3 months from now, it should be a changed look
Maybe it will look better as it grows out
I'm not shedding more hair than the cat these days
I'm not bald
We have 2 days of summer holidays behind us. The dynamics of the kids that will be spending the bulk of the time here over the course of the summer is terrible. The 'leader' loves to run, bug, draw and say 'rude things' (this is what one year of full time kindergarten taught him), has become sneaky and is encouraging his younger crowd to do things he knows they are not allowed to do.
What I am grateful for:
Only 34 more babysitting days to go, before school begins
Quiet time
My holidays
Quitting time
The 3 days of holidays that one of 'the above mentioned families' will be taking
I felt like a hero for an hour yesterday. It was awesome!
Kurt knocked over his X Box yesterday afternoon and it scratched his brand new 'Incredible Hulk' game. He was devastated. I immediately went to EBay and put in a $9.99 bid for an identical game. But the auction isn't over for 6 days and it usually takes a few weeks to receive it by mail. It was all I could do. I thought.
Then, by some cosmic fluke of random thoughts bouncing around in my brain I got to wondering about the possibility of repairing the scratched disc. I made some phone calls and 2 calls later, we were on our way to a place that said there was a very good chance they could fix the disc for just over $3.00.
This happened just as my last charge of the day was leaving and precisely one hour before my scheduled dance lesson. We raced to the other corner of the city, got the disc repaired, made it back home in time to put together some supper for Kurt and I made it to my dance lesson with 5 minutes to spare.
In the middle of this horrible afternoon that Kurt spent, bemoaning the fact that his summer holiday was wrecked and he had nothing else to do ... I finally, finally came up with the words to go with the 'movie' I promised to make of Kurt's 11th birthday fiasco.
As I drove off to my dance lesson, I felt like such a good mom, for precisely one hour. Then ... upon my return, I was greeted by the vision of this 'repaired' X Box game sitting on the kitchen counter with a note sitting on top of it, with the blazing message "IT FROZE".
So ... back to the 'repair shop' we went. We tried again. So much for my 'Mother of the Day' award. But I still felt pretty good in knowing that I did everything I could.
What I'm grateful for:
The ability to sometimes be a little bit of a 'hero' to someone who looks to me for guidance
That this all happened on an evening where everything unfolded in its own time and space and we had a second opportunity to try and fix the problem at hand
That the words finally came, to 'wrap up' Kurt's birthday movie. When an experience isn't all fun and games, it is harder to find the words to tell the story in a positive way
That I am a mom
Too much to do, it so little time!!
3 weeks until my holidays. And in that time, I must get caught up in transcribing the 'family memory' conversations that I have recorded. My uncle will be arriving the eve of the start of my holiday and I want that little recorder empty for any morsels of information that I may gather while he spends a day or two with me. I also plan to invite any friends/relatives in the neighborhood over, for an informal gathering so that he has a chance to visit with as many people as he can while he is in our fair city.
I have enough book keeping work to keep me busy all weekend. As they are wrapping up another year end, there are many onerous tasks to be tended. I've been wading through one of those tasks in my free minutes this week (not many) and I know that I must immerse myself in the job at hand this weekend.
What I'm grateful for:
The fact that I took last weekend off ... entirely ... and savored every single care-free moment that I had
That the pot of gold at the end of this rainbow is my 18 day holiday
That I am lucky enough to have my uncle come and spend some of his precious holiday time with me
That I have one more excuse to try and 'gather the clan'
That it's only 3 weeks
I love blog land. My post yesterday generated a few comments that made me feel that this big old world is a very small place. The dangers of the Internet are many, but when one can reach out to a 'virtual stranger' or have that same stranger impact your life in such a big way ... it is one of the positive sides to the Internet connections all over the world.
The mom that triggered yesterday's post made a comment shortly after I posted my blog (I made a comment on her blog that directed her to mine). I was touched to the core, that this mom reached out and made personal contact with me at a time when her world is turned upside down.
What this made me realize is - the fact that I have friends in my own personal world that are going through very trying times as well. Because I know them and the immensity of what they are enduring, to get through their days I haven't made that phone call (thinking that they don't have the time to talk) or sent that email (it feels too impersonal, when you know the person so well). So I've done nothing. How could I reach out to a virtual stranger and be so touched by their life when I have my own friends who need that personal contact so much more. I must do something to change that.
What I'm grateful for:
The ability to make a difference in someone else's day
The passion to write about what impacts my life
The Internet for helping a lot of people feel less alone in their pain - whatever that may be
My Life as I Know It
Random thoughts:
I am 2 weeks into the worst haircut in my recent history. I physically cringe when I see the 'bowl cut' sitting on top of my head. It is so much worse at the dance studio when I see my full image, topped up with this horribly ugly hair style.
What I am grateful for:
Hair grows
3 months from now, it should be a changed look
Maybe it will look better as it grows out
I'm not shedding more hair than the cat these days
I'm not bald
We have 2 days of summer holidays behind us. The dynamics of the kids that will be spending the bulk of the time here over the course of the summer is terrible. The 'leader' loves to run, bug, draw and say 'rude things' (this is what one year of full time kindergarten taught him), has become sneaky and is encouraging his younger crowd to do things he knows they are not allowed to do.
What I am grateful for:
Only 34 more babysitting days to go, before school begins
Quiet time
My holidays
Quitting time
The 3 days of holidays that one of 'the above mentioned families' will be taking
I felt like a hero for an hour yesterday. It was awesome!
Kurt knocked over his X Box yesterday afternoon and it scratched his brand new 'Incredible Hulk' game. He was devastated. I immediately went to EBay and put in a $9.99 bid for an identical game. But the auction isn't over for 6 days and it usually takes a few weeks to receive it by mail. It was all I could do. I thought.
Then, by some cosmic fluke of random thoughts bouncing around in my brain I got to wondering about the possibility of repairing the scratched disc. I made some phone calls and 2 calls later, we were on our way to a place that said there was a very good chance they could fix the disc for just over $3.00.
This happened just as my last charge of the day was leaving and precisely one hour before my scheduled dance lesson. We raced to the other corner of the city, got the disc repaired, made it back home in time to put together some supper for Kurt and I made it to my dance lesson with 5 minutes to spare.
In the middle of this horrible afternoon that Kurt spent, bemoaning the fact that his summer holiday was wrecked and he had nothing else to do ... I finally, finally came up with the words to go with the 'movie' I promised to make of Kurt's 11th birthday fiasco.
As I drove off to my dance lesson, I felt like such a good mom, for precisely one hour. Then ... upon my return, I was greeted by the vision of this 'repaired' X Box game sitting on the kitchen counter with a note sitting on top of it, with the blazing message "IT FROZE".
So ... back to the 'repair shop' we went. We tried again. So much for my 'Mother of the Day' award. But I still felt pretty good in knowing that I did everything I could.
What I'm grateful for:
The ability to sometimes be a little bit of a 'hero' to someone who looks to me for guidance
That this all happened on an evening where everything unfolded in its own time and space and we had a second opportunity to try and fix the problem at hand
That the words finally came, to 'wrap up' Kurt's birthday movie. When an experience isn't all fun and games, it is harder to find the words to tell the story in a positive way
That I am a mom
Too much to do, it so little time!!
3 weeks until my holidays. And in that time, I must get caught up in transcribing the 'family memory' conversations that I have recorded. My uncle will be arriving the eve of the start of my holiday and I want that little recorder empty for any morsels of information that I may gather while he spends a day or two with me. I also plan to invite any friends/relatives in the neighborhood over, for an informal gathering so that he has a chance to visit with as many people as he can while he is in our fair city.
I have enough book keeping work to keep me busy all weekend. As they are wrapping up another year end, there are many onerous tasks to be tended. I've been wading through one of those tasks in my free minutes this week (not many) and I know that I must immerse myself in the job at hand this weekend.
What I'm grateful for:
The fact that I took last weekend off ... entirely ... and savored every single care-free moment that I had
That the pot of gold at the end of this rainbow is my 18 day holiday
That I am lucky enough to have my uncle come and spend some of his precious holiday time with me
That I have one more excuse to try and 'gather the clan'
That it's only 3 weeks
I love blog land. My post yesterday generated a few comments that made me feel that this big old world is a very small place. The dangers of the Internet are many, but when one can reach out to a 'virtual stranger' or have that same stranger impact your life in such a big way ... it is one of the positive sides to the Internet connections all over the world.
The mom that triggered yesterday's post made a comment shortly after I posted my blog (I made a comment on her blog that directed her to mine). I was touched to the core, that this mom reached out and made personal contact with me at a time when her world is turned upside down.
What this made me realize is - the fact that I have friends in my own personal world that are going through very trying times as well. Because I know them and the immensity of what they are enduring, to get through their days I haven't made that phone call (thinking that they don't have the time to talk) or sent that email (it feels too impersonal, when you know the person so well). So I've done nothing. How could I reach out to a virtual stranger and be so touched by their life when I have my own friends who need that personal contact so much more. I must do something to change that.
What I'm grateful for:
The ability to make a difference in someone else's day
The passion to write about what impacts my life
The Internet for helping a lot of people feel less alone in their pain - whatever that may be
My Life as I Know It
Thursday, June 25, 2009
A Reason, A Season and A Lifetime
An often forwarded email that talks of the people that cross through your life's path, came to mind this morning as I was thinking of the 'heroes' in some of the blogs that I have been following lately ...
It all started with an Oprah episode when I heard Matt Logelin's story. I was in awe of the strength that it took for him to carry on after the loss of his wife (she died unexpectedly within a day of their daughter being born). His blog chronicles their story before the birth of their daughter and the 15 months (to date) afterwards.
Then, through reading Matt's blog, I found another story of the loss of 'Maddy'. Maddy was born 11 weeks premature, spent 68 days in the neonatal unit and although her prematurity left her lungs scarred, she made a vibrant imprint on everyone she touched in her world. She died unexpectedly this past April, just short of reaching her 17 month birthday. Her parent's survival story and the glorious moments of Maddy's life are all chronicled in their blogs. It is such a tribute to their daughter, to read these precious words.
Through Maddy's story, I clicked on another blog - Maddy's mother's 'partner in suck'. Gorillabuns is another story of loss. This blog is written very honestly and to the point. This mom is hurting beyond words and she doesn't censor her thoughts. Her 3 1/2 month old son died unexpectedly. There was little explanation or understanding of why he died - but the 'official' cause of death from the Medical Examiner was "unknown cause by a combination of Bronchitis and positioning of the body."
As I have been quietly and anonymously following the lives of these families, I have questioned why I am so wrapped up in the lives of people that I don't even know.
I believe much has to do with the reality that life is precious. A person's life can change in a heart beat and it is totally out of our control. Even in the chaos of every day living and all the frustrations of parenting and living ... there are small blessings. We just never know when life as we know it may change.
I work with children all day, every day. Their parents are young and many families are 'expanding' before my very eyes. Every pregnancy is a blessing and there are always risks involved. No one is immune to loss or the fear of losing what is precious. Reading the blogs of these young parents keeps me sensitive and 'young' enough to appreciate what the parents I work for, are going through.
Every day heroes inspire me. It takes a lot of courage to face the day no matter who you are. Some of us have higher mountains to climb. I read how these parents are facing their own personal 'mountain' and my heart goes out to them. I can feel their pain, mourn their loss, cherish the stories they tell and I silently cheer them on to the next day.
The risk of blogging one's thoughts is that you are putting your words out for the 'world' to see. As I scan through the many comments that are made on these various blog posts, it warms my heart to read the support, love and empathetic words of comfort from the hundreds of comments that are made to these parents.
This morning, I read a comment on one of these blogs that must have cut to the quick of the mother who wrote the blog. This mother writes what she feels and her words are raw with the pain that she is feeling. As I feel the impact her words make on me, I am glad that she is finding an outlet for her grief. She is being honest. She is hurting beyond anything that I can even imagine. I don't know how many positive words it will take, to offset that one negative comment, 'judging' her.
It is from that comment and this mother's reaction to it, that I found myself full of words this morning about these families. And my words to these parents are this:
There is a reason that the one you have lost, came into your life. You learned so much from this loved one, you laughed, you loved, you cherished and they brought you to life. Your life will never be the same because of this person. They are forever imprinted in your heart and your memory.
They remained in your life for only a season. You lost them far too soon. Your life with them was just beginning. The best was yet to come. But ... you made the most of the time you had. You wrote about them, you photographed them, you made memories together. As the pain begins to ebb, the memories will remain.
You will keep their memory in your heart for your lifetime. A song, a place, a smell, an anniversary, an event and others that touch your life will continue to twig those memories forever. As time goes on, so will the memories. You will keep on living ... and so will the one you loved. Forever in your heart.
How can I even begin to understand the pain and the grieving process when I haven't personally experienced it? I can't. But through the words written by these survivors, I am learning lessons that I will have to put to use. One day.
Until that day, I shall remember just how precious life is. I will make memories and I will document them so that as time elapses and the memory fades, I will have those memories close by. In my heart forever.
It all started with an Oprah episode when I heard Matt Logelin's story. I was in awe of the strength that it took for him to carry on after the loss of his wife (she died unexpectedly within a day of their daughter being born). His blog chronicles their story before the birth of their daughter and the 15 months (to date) afterwards.
Then, through reading Matt's blog, I found another story of the loss of 'Maddy'. Maddy was born 11 weeks premature, spent 68 days in the neonatal unit and although her prematurity left her lungs scarred, she made a vibrant imprint on everyone she touched in her world. She died unexpectedly this past April, just short of reaching her 17 month birthday. Her parent's survival story and the glorious moments of Maddy's life are all chronicled in their blogs. It is such a tribute to their daughter, to read these precious words.
Through Maddy's story, I clicked on another blog - Maddy's mother's 'partner in suck'. Gorillabuns is another story of loss. This blog is written very honestly and to the point. This mom is hurting beyond words and she doesn't censor her thoughts. Her 3 1/2 month old son died unexpectedly. There was little explanation or understanding of why he died - but the 'official' cause of death from the Medical Examiner was "unknown cause by a combination of Bronchitis and positioning of the body."
As I have been quietly and anonymously following the lives of these families, I have questioned why I am so wrapped up in the lives of people that I don't even know.
I believe much has to do with the reality that life is precious. A person's life can change in a heart beat and it is totally out of our control. Even in the chaos of every day living and all the frustrations of parenting and living ... there are small blessings. We just never know when life as we know it may change.
I work with children all day, every day. Their parents are young and many families are 'expanding' before my very eyes. Every pregnancy is a blessing and there are always risks involved. No one is immune to loss or the fear of losing what is precious. Reading the blogs of these young parents keeps me sensitive and 'young' enough to appreciate what the parents I work for, are going through.
Every day heroes inspire me. It takes a lot of courage to face the day no matter who you are. Some of us have higher mountains to climb. I read how these parents are facing their own personal 'mountain' and my heart goes out to them. I can feel their pain, mourn their loss, cherish the stories they tell and I silently cheer them on to the next day.
The risk of blogging one's thoughts is that you are putting your words out for the 'world' to see. As I scan through the many comments that are made on these various blog posts, it warms my heart to read the support, love and empathetic words of comfort from the hundreds of comments that are made to these parents.
This morning, I read a comment on one of these blogs that must have cut to the quick of the mother who wrote the blog. This mother writes what she feels and her words are raw with the pain that she is feeling. As I feel the impact her words make on me, I am glad that she is finding an outlet for her grief. She is being honest. She is hurting beyond anything that I can even imagine. I don't know how many positive words it will take, to offset that one negative comment, 'judging' her.
It is from that comment and this mother's reaction to it, that I found myself full of words this morning about these families. And my words to these parents are this:
There is a reason that the one you have lost, came into your life. You learned so much from this loved one, you laughed, you loved, you cherished and they brought you to life. Your life will never be the same because of this person. They are forever imprinted in your heart and your memory.
They remained in your life for only a season. You lost them far too soon. Your life with them was just beginning. The best was yet to come. But ... you made the most of the time you had. You wrote about them, you photographed them, you made memories together. As the pain begins to ebb, the memories will remain.
You will keep their memory in your heart for your lifetime. A song, a place, a smell, an anniversary, an event and others that touch your life will continue to twig those memories forever. As time goes on, so will the memories. You will keep on living ... and so will the one you loved. Forever in your heart.
How can I even begin to understand the pain and the grieving process when I haven't personally experienced it? I can't. But through the words written by these survivors, I am learning lessons that I will have to put to use. One day.
Until that day, I shall remember just how precious life is. I will make memories and I will document them so that as time elapses and the memory fades, I will have those memories close by. In my heart forever.
Wednesday, June 24, 2009
"Don't Jinx Yourself"
I have noticed that I have had this phrase spoken to me on a rather regular basis lately. I don't believe it for a moment.
I regularly voice my appreciation for what is good in my life. I don't believe I am jinxing myself in any way, when I openly voice my appreciation for what is good and my many small blessings.
How can one expect the best when you are afraid to acknowledge and appreciate it?
From things as inconsequential as the weather ... to raising children ... to a financial state of ease. I am rich in so many ways and I feel that 'richness' comes from appreciating and being grateful for it. I don't care if the whole world knows how blessed I feel. I believe that I should shout from the roof tops how grateful I am for all that I have been given.
A person has no control over so many things in life. The weather is a perfect example.
When my mom and I flew to Toronto last winter, it was a week after weather conditions forced many airports to close. Mom was diligently following the Weather Channel and reporting all of the weather that was happening prior to our departure. I was actually relieved that it was happening before we left, as I felt it gave us more hope for good travelling weather when we were scheduled to travel.
I believe in miracles and they seem to happen every day. It was as if the skies parted for us and our safe arrival and departure to and from our destination. As the plane touched down when I reached my final destination, the snow and wind were just starting to wind up again. The weather turned miserable after we were both tucked safely back in our respective homes.
Did this happen because I believed it would? No. Not in a minute. We were very, very fortunate. Do I believe that one can 'jinx' the weather by speaking stating the obvious ("We've had 2 great days in a row!"). Not in a heart beat. Do I believe our wishes have any control over the weather? Not that either. But do I believe in hoping for and believing that the 'best' can happen and wishes do come true? You bet!
I feel the only way I can jinx myself is in not being grateful and acknowledging the many blessings that happen every single day.
I regularly voice my appreciation for what is good in my life. I don't believe I am jinxing myself in any way, when I openly voice my appreciation for what is good and my many small blessings.
How can one expect the best when you are afraid to acknowledge and appreciate it?
From things as inconsequential as the weather ... to raising children ... to a financial state of ease. I am rich in so many ways and I feel that 'richness' comes from appreciating and being grateful for it. I don't care if the whole world knows how blessed I feel. I believe that I should shout from the roof tops how grateful I am for all that I have been given.
A person has no control over so many things in life. The weather is a perfect example.
When my mom and I flew to Toronto last winter, it was a week after weather conditions forced many airports to close. Mom was diligently following the Weather Channel and reporting all of the weather that was happening prior to our departure. I was actually relieved that it was happening before we left, as I felt it gave us more hope for good travelling weather when we were scheduled to travel.
I believe in miracles and they seem to happen every day. It was as if the skies parted for us and our safe arrival and departure to and from our destination. As the plane touched down when I reached my final destination, the snow and wind were just starting to wind up again. The weather turned miserable after we were both tucked safely back in our respective homes.
Did this happen because I believed it would? No. Not in a minute. We were very, very fortunate. Do I believe that one can 'jinx' the weather by speaking stating the obvious ("We've had 2 great days in a row!"). Not in a heart beat. Do I believe our wishes have any control over the weather? Not that either. But do I believe in hoping for and believing that the 'best' can happen and wishes do come true? You bet!
I feel the only way I can jinx myself is in not being grateful and acknowledging the many blessings that happen every single day.
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