Taking a Stand

If a thought resonates in your mind long after the conversation is over, an emotional chord has been struck.

I had one such conversation a short while ago. What is normally an easy going give and take conversation, took a turn that surprised me. I felt like I was being judged ...

I avoid confrontation. This may explain a lot of turns that my life has taken. Over the course of time, I have found 'work around' solutions to issues that have needed to be dealt with.

I believe that you can make a stronger impact by first - trying to look at the situation from the other person's perspective. In almost every case, that is my knee jerk reaction.

As an employee, I looked at things from my bosses perspective. As a daycare provider, I put myself in the parent's shoes. As a friend, I empathize withe where that person is coming from. As a parent and 'partner' ... the lines tend to get fuzzier because there are many more emotions that can arise. But all in all, I feel like I try to walk a mile in another person's shoes and it keeps my reactions in line with what I expect of myself.

My first line of offense, is to try and help the other person do the same. I try to offer scenarios where they see the same situation from a different angle. More often than not, it shifts the whole dynamic of the conversation. You can feel the change as the other party takes a moment to ponder their thoughts from a new vantage point.

Quite often, it happens that a person is talking about someone else. It is so much easier to put another person down if you aren't face to face with that party. I have been fortunate to be the 'nice guy' and usually people aren't confronting me personally. So I will turn a situation into a 'what if this was me' scenario. Once again, it gives me the opportunity to subtly offer my view.

I will talk about what I've felt, how I've reacted and what I've done in parallel situations. I don't tell people what to do. I try not to give advise. I am honest in my imperfectness and appreciate the fact that every situation is different ... but it helps to let another person know that they are not alone.

But what do I do when someone tells me something that is offensive to a person who isn't there to defend themselves? Do I take a stand? Or am I just a wishy washy push over??

These thoughts have been in the fore front of my mind since that conversation. What do I do when push comes to shove? Do I do enough? Should I be more assertive? Am I a good person??

Life is a good teacher. It hands out lessons as necessary. There were a few incidents which happened in close succession to each other. Did I have time to consciously react? No. I did what I do instinctively.

In one case I said nothing. After hashing it over in my mind, I know that was the best reaction for me. The 'story' involved four people. Two of them were absent. The story could have been about me. The person relaying this little tale will never know if it was or not. Because I didn't say a word. I didn't react one way or the other. It is my belief that by saying nothing at all, my point was made louder than had I jumped on the bandwagon or took a defensive stance.

The second situation arose when there were mere seconds to respond. I chose to ignore. Once again, this specific scenario is a 'hot topic' in my mind because I have many unvoiced opinions. Taking a stand in a public place, where there were too many ears and not enough time to have a quiet discussion wasn't conducive to confronting the issue at hand. I don't like the way this person is talking about another. I have many words in my head. But I'm waiting for a time when they can be 'heard'.

I'm sure that there will be many more opportunities to find out what kind of a friend I am (do I openly take a stand for a friend who is not there to defend themselves) and if my stance on this matter requires some fine tuning.

In the meantime, I am content in knowing that I take an active stand on things that matter. If something strikes an emotional chord, watch out. That has happened a few times in my life and it's shocked the socks off a few people (possibly half the neighborhood??).

I prefer that emotions take a back seat when dealing with confrontation. But trust me ... whether you are a stranger, an acquaintance, a friend, family member or loved one ... I've got your back. I may not be a lioness waiting to attack but I'm ready to take a stand.

Horoscope for the Week of September 26th

"You'll pay attention to your routine and notice the ways in which it is lacking. There seems to be enough time to do the work you must do, but very little time to explore options and extras. And yet, it's those seemingly extraneous activites that allow you to be most creative. Adjust to make more time for them."

Been there. Doing that. I think the horoscope writer has been peeking at my blog!

Up Before the Alarm

You know it's going to be a good day when you are wide awake and ready for the day before the alarm goes off.

I have this nasty habit of waking up at 3 or 4 a.m. with a head full of words. I have habitually become accustomed to turning off my own internal dialogue by turning on the T.V. and letting someone else's words replace my own. It works like a charm.

So I get a slight thrill when I roll over to look at the clock and see the number "5" something on the clock.

Today, I woke up about 15 minutes before my alarm was due to go off. Fifteen minutes that I normally spend hitting the snooze button. But instead, I mulled over the day that I have ahead of me.

I will have to work at both of my jobs today which inspires me to get an early start on 'job #1'.

I have made a conscious decision to stop stressing about making the 160 hours-per-month goal with my bookkeeping job. I'm fighting the current on this one, so it's time to relax and just let go with the flow. I am close to my goal. That's good enough.

I know what I am cooking for supper tonight. Another great stress relief off of my plate.

I don't have to rush off after supper. I have a few hours of 'wiggle room' to do with as I please tonight. Work? Write? Practise dancing? Or simply frittering the time away. I have the ability to choose.

And I am rewarded with a dance lesson at the tail end of the day. This is always a good thing.

Today is a good balance of work, play, structure and down time. It was an easy day to get out of bed.

Zumba!

I'm hooked. Two lessons in, four to go and much, much more in my future.

I searched the leisure guide this fall to try and find a way to get myself active. Ambition levels were at an all time low, I was exhausted and my life needed a jump start.

I used to have the motivation to get up early to work in exercise of some form. Whether it was walking the dog, delivering papers or working out to a DVD or with Wii Fit. I had the ability to get up, go and just do it.

Try as I might, all I have wanted to do with my mornings is sleep. The mere thought of getting up to get active was exhausting. So I slept some more.

My first Zumba class was last Monday. Fun! Fun! Fun!

The music was incredible. Our instructor is fun, energetic and you can see her transform in front of your eyes as the music gets into her body and soul. I like to think I'm looking in a mirror when I mimic her moves. I know I'm not ... but I'm relaxed in this class and I have the ability to loosen up and just have fun.

What I found most exciting was the wide range of ages in our group. I would guess that the ages range from 20 - 60 or more. The after-class chatter is incredible. It doesn't matter who I talk to ... everyone loves it. Age doesn't matter. We aren't making a fashion statement. No rules. Just do what you can and keep moving is the theme of that hour.

No dance partners are required. Clothing is cool, comfortable and whatever works. And the best part? The shoes!! Runners!

When my feet are happy, I'm elated. There is nothing like a comfortable pair of shoes to enhance the fun factor for me.

Yes ... ballroom dancing is fun. But the shoes? Dance shoes are my nemesis. Move over ballroom! Until I find dance shoes that feel as good as my runners, Zumba is giving you a run for your money.

"If you want to forget all your other troubles, wear too tight shoes." 
~The Houghton Line, November 1965



My favorite music to 'Zumba' to ... so far

This, That and the Other

There is no one central theme running through my mind this morning, so I'm just going to let my mind wander and see where my fingers take me ...

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Sometimes you just have to walk away from something and come back at it with a fresh mind.

Computer glitches, balancing the bank book, onerous jobs, crossword puzzles, tough homework assignments ...

You name it, if it overwhelms you and you are becoming frustrated, it is worth a few minutes of your sanity to walk away from it and come back later.

Neat coincidence ... last week, in a moment of frustration about not being able to solve my problem-of-the-moment, I picked up the phone and called my sister. She wasn't home. After that short break, I sat down and solved my mystery. Where had my sister gone? She too, had decided to walk away from something she just couldn't figure out. We were sharing the experience of 'just walking away' from something (so that we could come back at it later with a fresh perspective) at the very same time, across the miles.

It's not rocket science, but I have found this to be true more often than not. The key is to come back.

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You should follow through on your instincts.

I can't begin to count the number of times that I've just gone with the moment and done something without over thinking and talking myself out of it. I've run very close to a 100% success rate when I follow my instincts. Yet ... I continue to hold onto that habit. Of over thinking.

I was talking to my mom just before supper time on the weekend. As we were saying our good-byes, she asked if I'd had supper yet. I was in a whimsical mood because I wasn't responsible for anyone but 'me' on Saturday night. I thought of picking up the phone to call a friend and see if she had supper plans. But I was in the process of talking myself out of it. Who doesn't already have supper plans by 5:10 on a Saturday night? My mom's response? If she lives by herself, call her!

I called my friend immediately upon hanging up the phone with my mom. I don't even know if the phone rang one complete ring and my friend answered with a smile in her voice. After a few preliminary questions, I asked if she was busy and if she'd like to go out for supper. Well! She was just in the process of wondering what she was going to do about supper herself and was considering ordering something in. Within five minutes of our conversation, I was out the door. We had a most excellent supper and completely spontaneous visit. All because my mom encouraged me to follow through on my instincts.

Always listen to your instincts. It astounds me every time, when I call someone and they say "I was just thinking of you ..." (and the number of times someone has called me and I have been thinking of them). ESP? Coincidence? Whatever it is, it's worth the risk of dialing the phone.

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Sundays are not meant to be a work day.

I worked yesterday. It was not a good day. I had trouble accomplishing things, my self esteem was in the toilet, I was sensitive, I was frustrated and I was overwhelmed.

Thankfully our family Sunday Supper forced me to stop for a moment and prepare some nourishment. The desire to just go to McDonald's (insert McDonald's theme song here - "You deserve a break today") was at an all time high.

Instinct told me - put a ham in the oven. The rest of the meal will come together.

I knew I needed to walk away from my day.

I followed my instincts. I walked away. I sat down and had supper with my family.

The 'round (rectangle) table' conversation that followed our meal was light and easy. I vented my frustrations of the day and the comment was made "For having such a bad day, you seem to be in a good mood ...". And I was. I needed to stop. I needed to vent. My adult children listened to me and diverted my attention away from things-that-really-don't-matter.

I didn't return to my work after we parted ways last night.

It should be a law! Sundays are a day of rest. A day to walk away from the week's responsibilities. A day to be guided by your whims. A day for family.

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I guess I did have a central theme running through my mind after all.

Joy

Things feel a little more special when you have to work for it.

This past week, I fought hard to regain some equilibrium in my life. It came easy for a few days, I lost the battle one day, I struggled through a day but in the end ... I won. The day that I waged my own internal war and came out on top was the best day.

The past week and a half, I have been part of a dance formation team. We had 10 days and 6 dance lessons to learn our routine and be ready to perform it for the judges yesterday afternoon. New partners, new dance moves, being part of a team, knowing your own part and creating a 'oneness' within a group of 18 people has been a challenge.

It's been overwhelming, invigorating, frustrating and fun. I have gone from feeling like I'm in way over my head ... to the 'I think I can' mode ... to actually feeling like I got it ... then lost it ... and found it again.

Our instructor has been thinking forward and implanted visions of our success right from our first lesson. He has accidentally purposely imprinted the picture of us on that stage throughout.

When the official audition day was upon us and we went through our routine for the judges, I was fairly confident that we made a good impression. Did I have doubts? Yes. Was I certain we would get chosen? Sort of. Did I know how I would feel when I got the official word that we were selected? Not a bit.

Our dance team has been chosen to perform at "Ballroom With a Twist".

Was I elated? I was over the moon! I had no idea how good it would feel to know we were 'in'. I felt complete and utter joy. The joy was accentuated because we had to work for it.

Whether it's attaining a specific goal ... climbing your own personal mountains ... struggling through a crisis ... or simply getting through the day ... look for and appreciate your own personal joyful moments every chance you get.

I felt my inner child shine through as I allowed myself to savor and lose myself in those moments of joy

"Joy does not simply happen to us. We have to choose joy and keep choosing it every day."

~ Henri Nouwen

The Goldilocks Zone

I have been fighting to find the "just right" balance in my life lately.

Working from home has many advantages. But one of the disadvantages is the inability to walk away, turn it off, shut the door and leave it all behind.

The work flow is unpredictable. Busy, with lots of goals and an agenda for days on end. Then nothing. Nothing is nice when it lands on a weekend. Not so great when the end of the month is looming and I have 5 days to log 46 hours to ensure I get a full pay cheque.

Work has been seeping into evenings and weekends. So this week, I took steps to force work to stay within the confines of the pre-evening hours. I went and created myself a life outside of these doors.

Monday, I was completely and totally in the 'Goldilocks Zone'. The balance was perfect. My work day was over before supper, I cooked a meal for my family and ran out the door for my first Zumba class which was followed by a dance class. I sat down at the end of the evening and I felt like Goldilocks. My day was just right!

Tuesday was good. It was a day that I added the word ''no'' into my vocabulary in a valiant effort to maintain the balance. It was a day which ended in an arduous F.I.T. class which I didn't quite have the stamina for, instead of a fun and carefree Zumba class. I didn't get to dance on Tuesday. But the balance was still intact. My mind and body were both physically worn out at the end of the day. The "just" in the phrase "My day was just right" was less emphatic. But it was still there. I was still in the zone.

Wednesday. Day #3 of my new improved Goldilocks Zone life. Work during the work day. Supper at supper time. A dance class in the evening. I could get used to this. The momentum was good. I like a day which is full of perpetual motion which keeps me focused and moving. I love knowing that the end of my work day is rewarded with a balanced, home cooked meal (and amazing when I'm the one who actually cooks it!). Dancing? A perfect end to a perfect day.

Thursday, I started the day as planned. I was finished with my bookkeeping project-at-hand before 9:00 a.m. and went to the shop to pick up more work. Then it ended. I needed to work in a computer program which I couldn't gain access to during the work day (too many users - I was locked out). I had work to do, but I couldn't do it. There wasn't even anything I could work on as I tried, tried and tried again to get into the system.

I was determined to keep myself motivated. I used the time to write my mom the letter that I didn't have time to write earlier in the week. I got a call to go into work at my typing job (thank goodness!). I came home from that job and tried to get into the computer program to do my work and I still couldn't get in. The clock was ticking, supper time was looming and I hadn't put in my required hours for the day. There was nothing I could do about it.

I made (reheated) supper (leftovers) and then checked to see if I could get into the computer program once again. Sure enough. At 6:00 p.m., I had access to the program that I had needed all day. Just when my day was scheduled to be complete, I was finally able to begin. This was everything that I was striving not to do! I was deflated.

I had a dance class at 7:00. My private lesson. The lesson that fills me up in every way. And I was depleted.

I went to my lesson, but my heart wasn't in it. I had fallen so far out of the Goldilocks Zone that even my dance lesson didn't revive me. I was a complete waste of oxygen on Thursday night.

I didn't stay for the group classes after my private lesson. I had work to do. If I couldn't get into the computer program during the day, it meant I had to work at night. I was not a happy camper. The balance I had strived to attain all week was gone.

I came home, turned on the desk lamp so that I could start to work. I then checked the TV guide so that I could set the VCR to tape 'my programs' .. and that was it.

I returned to my lit up work desk two hours later.

I sat down and watched Grey's Anatomy. I taped Private Practice so I could 'watch' it later. But instead, I fell asleep.

I didn't dance. I didn't work. I didn't even stay awake. I was empty.

Friday - the last day of the week to regain control and balance of my week-at-hand.

I was up and out of bed by 6:00 a.m.; logged into the computer program I needed to access by 6:10 a.m.; I fully expected to be booted out or asked to log out of the system so I worked as fast as I could for as long as I could. Other than a minor glitch with my anti virus program, bringing nourishment to my desk so that I could eat and work at the same time, and a phone conversation that I had while I worked (I was working on a mindless job) ... I worked for nine solid hours.

I was frustrated. The 9 hours I worked on Friday didn't make up for the 3.25 hours I worked on Thursday. There are only 6 more days in the month ...

I was exhausted. All I wanted to do was sleep but I had to keep my eyes open so that I was conscious when my daycare charge was picked up at 5:00. So I ate four packages of Fruit Gushers within as many minutes.

So not only was I frustrated and exhausted, but I felt like crap after ingesting a pure sugar snack at the end of a mentally exhausting day. I couldn't cook.

I ran out and picked up supper. My Second Son was trying so hard to hold a conversation with me as we ate. But all I could do was sit there. I know there is going to be a 'test' on this conversation. He is getting so frustrated because I confuse details and I don't understand &/or remember everything (anything??) that he tells me. I had mashed potatoes for brains and he was encouraging me to be a participant in a conversation that I was having trouble absorbing.

The phone rang. It was my bookkeeping boss. I had questions for her and she couldn't get back to me until after supper time. I heard my voice. I made a feeble attempt at speaking coherent sentences. It wasn't working. I usually work in the 'Accounts Payable' portion of the bookkeeping world and I had spent the day in 'Accounts Receivable' and I simply didn't have the vocabulary to communicate. Especially after a mind numbing nine hours working at a completely repetitive task that required few brain cells.

I hung up the phone and worked for an hour. After supper.

What was happening to my perfectly choreographed week? Is this how my new life is going to be? A life where I don't get to turn off my work world????

Thankfully, I had yet another dance class at the end of the day. My brain was mush and I felt like I could have slept until spring ... but dancing was exactly what the doctor ordered.

I had to stop working - that worked exactly according to my plan! We are learning a group formation dance to a fun and peppy song - there is not one moment to think of anything but the moment while I'm there. Perfection! I worked my mind (remembering the next steps) and my body. I sweated, I laughed, I released 'the day' and put it all behind me.

I walked back in the door at the end of the night and felt like Goldilocks. I came home and everything in my world was just right once again.

It's a fight to maintain the balance, but I think I'm gaining ground. I know what I want - I just have to be like Goldilocks and keep try, try, trying until I get it juuuust right.