"Oowatanite" by April Wine was the song that sang out to me this afternoon and I followed where those thoughts took me ...
1977 was the year. I spent hours listening to the album "Forever for Now" with my high school best friend in the basement of her parent's home. We confided our innermost thoughts, swooned to the music and dreamed of life outside of that which we knew.
Our lives took us in separate directions after high school, but we reconnected as the years went on. We never ever completely lost touch, but we definitely connected on a different level when her marriage started to end.
When that song from our connected past played on the radio this afternoon, I made myself promise to call her as soon as I got home and settled in for the night. And I did ...
The moment she heard my voice and I asked the question, "And how are you?? ..." she started talking. And talking.
"Oh, you caught me at a bad moment ..." was her immediate reaction to the words that fell off her tongue. And that was just the beginning.
She had so very, very much to say. And because of my own life experiences that are vividly fresh in my mind, I could relate to her on absolutely every level that she was explaining to me. Because I had just lived through what she was talking about.
When she started talking about the good stuff going on in her world, it made me smile. She had just spent the afternoon listening to music that spoke to her soul. All these years later, she is still very much that teenage girl who is moved to the core by music and all that it makes her feel.
When I mentioned that it was a song by April Wine that played on the radio today and spurred on my call, she said that she had recently purchased that exact same CD because she 'lost it in the divorce'. She simply had to replace it. So she did. She could see it from where she sat at that very moment.
We bonded over music a few lifetimes ago. A song brought the memory of the friendship that we shared to mind today. So I called. I am glad that I did.
If you are thinking of someone, tell them. Reach out in some fashion. I think that you will be glad that you did.
Sunday, March 31, 2013
Friday, March 29, 2013
Support When Needed
Years and years ago, I was fitted with wrist splints for my carpal tunnel syndrome. I can't remember what it was that triggered my symptoms initially (perhaps housecleaning?!?), but whatever it was must have went away. Because I all but abandoned my wrist splints.
Thankfully, I had them on hand when my thumbs began bothering me shortly after starting my extra-curricular job of delivering flyers.
Sore thumbs?!? What an odd symptom to have. Carrying around up to 50 pounds of papers, walking for an average of an hour and a half, three times a week ... and my thumbs were sore? Odd.
But I remembered that I had those wrist splints sitting in a drawer somewhere and I have been wearing them religiously each night for quite some time now. In fact, I have almost wore them out. One of them broke where the support goes between my thumb and index finger, so I have been hot gluing, duct taping, and wrapping and gluing whatever I think may adhere to the surface so that I can keep wearing this splint.
A few nights ago, my temporary fix broke in the middle of the night. I completely forgot to attempt to re-glue it the next morning so when I went to bed I decided to fore go the splints. Maybe they weren't making a difference after all. This would be a test ...
... it was only a test. My wrists and hands were not happy that night without the comfort of those rigid splints. My hands were tingly and uncomfortable any time I woke up. First thing the next morning, I was determined to try to come up with a 'fix' for my broken splint that would get me through the night.
Last night, I slipped my hands into the 'comfort' of my splints. It was like coming home again. Ahhh. The relief was incredible. It is hard to believe that something so hard and rigid spells relief. But it does.
Every time I woke up during the night to roll over, I quite literally sighed with relief. My wrists and hands were so, so very comfortable. I couldn't help but appreciate the support that I had when I needed it the most.
My thoughts became more tangible the closer I got to morning. I couldn't help but correlate the quiet support of these splints, to the support I have (and need) in my life-in-general.
There are times that I become an island. I think what I need is isolation. What I don't realize until I've gone through the quietness alone, is that just like those wrist splints ... it is nice to know that I have that support when it is needed.
To my friend who runs a daycare in her home five hours away from me ... you have no idea what a lifeline you are to me. We chatter about nothing in the midst of our kid-filled days once every week or so. She completely and totally gets it when I say that I am ripping my hair out one minute in my child-oriented day ... and over-the-moon happy the next.
To my friends who I manage to see on a semi-regular basis. Sometimes more than others. Each and every one of you sustains me. You are a piece to the puzzle that I am sometimes missing. We bounce words off of each other and quietly stand at each other's side in support and friendship.
To my family that I tend to ignore when life gets busy ... but I know that you are there. Always. A heartbeat away. It is like knowing that I had those wrist splints in my dresser drawer. There is a sense of security in knowing that you have my back.
My life is seasoned with gentle support. Sometimes I need a little. Sometimes I need a lot. I hope to do my best to nurture what I have so that I don't lose what I have.
As it is with my broken wrist splints, maintenance is necessary. You will lose what you have if you don't take care of it and fix it when it's broken...
Thankfully, I had them on hand when my thumbs began bothering me shortly after starting my extra-curricular job of delivering flyers.
Sore thumbs?!? What an odd symptom to have. Carrying around up to 50 pounds of papers, walking for an average of an hour and a half, three times a week ... and my thumbs were sore? Odd.
But I remembered that I had those wrist splints sitting in a drawer somewhere and I have been wearing them religiously each night for quite some time now. In fact, I have almost wore them out. One of them broke where the support goes between my thumb and index finger, so I have been hot gluing, duct taping, and wrapping and gluing whatever I think may adhere to the surface so that I can keep wearing this splint.
A few nights ago, my temporary fix broke in the middle of the night. I completely forgot to attempt to re-glue it the next morning so when I went to bed I decided to fore go the splints. Maybe they weren't making a difference after all. This would be a test ...
... it was only a test. My wrists and hands were not happy that night without the comfort of those rigid splints. My hands were tingly and uncomfortable any time I woke up. First thing the next morning, I was determined to try to come up with a 'fix' for my broken splint that would get me through the night.
Last night, I slipped my hands into the 'comfort' of my splints. It was like coming home again. Ahhh. The relief was incredible. It is hard to believe that something so hard and rigid spells relief. But it does.
Every time I woke up during the night to roll over, I quite literally sighed with relief. My wrists and hands were so, so very comfortable. I couldn't help but appreciate the support that I had when I needed it the most.
My thoughts became more tangible the closer I got to morning. I couldn't help but correlate the quiet support of these splints, to the support I have (and need) in my life-in-general.
There are times that I become an island. I think what I need is isolation. What I don't realize until I've gone through the quietness alone, is that just like those wrist splints ... it is nice to know that I have that support when it is needed.
To my friend who runs a daycare in her home five hours away from me ... you have no idea what a lifeline you are to me. We chatter about nothing in the midst of our kid-filled days once every week or so. She completely and totally gets it when I say that I am ripping my hair out one minute in my child-oriented day ... and over-the-moon happy the next.
To my friends who I manage to see on a semi-regular basis. Sometimes more than others. Each and every one of you sustains me. You are a piece to the puzzle that I am sometimes missing. We bounce words off of each other and quietly stand at each other's side in support and friendship.
To my family that I tend to ignore when life gets busy ... but I know that you are there. Always. A heartbeat away. It is like knowing that I had those wrist splints in my dresser drawer. There is a sense of security in knowing that you have my back.
My life is seasoned with gentle support. Sometimes I need a little. Sometimes I need a lot. I hope to do my best to nurture what I have so that I don't lose what I have.
As it is with my broken wrist splints, maintenance is necessary. You will lose what you have if you don't take care of it and fix it when it's broken...
Thursday, March 28, 2013
Is It Just Me ...
Okay. I will admit it. I am feeling highly doubtful of my capabilities at the moment.
Life is handing me a handful of valuable lessons, but the timing is unfortunate. Either I have become extremely incompetent and self-absorbed overnight ... or perhaps there is something hormonal at play and things simply feel a little bit magnified. I am doing my best to simply add a little 'zen' to my thoughts and talk myself down from the minor incidents that have shaken my sense-of-self.
But honestly ... even our cat (Andre) is shunning my ability to feed him.
My cooking skills are basic at the best of times. I have a few tried and true meal plans that are palatable and pleasing to the majority of our household. But they get old. Fast. I recycle and reuse our menu of family favorites, but I am really liking take-out a lot lately.
Then there is my daycare menu. They are a little bit of a fickle crowd. They tend to favor what-they-know verses trying-new-things. So once again, our meal plans are feeling repetitive and they are getting some bad reviews as the kids shun what they liked two weeks ago. I'm starting to pull my hair out just a little bit. This is getting too old too fast. What am I to do as the months go on??
But honestly. Andre's recent distaste for the canned cat food that he has been gobbling up? I am beginning to feel pretty insulted. How dare our cat become as fussy as the rest of those I am trying to feed.
My heart is breaking just a tiny bit. One iota of it is because I am feeling shunned by our cat. But the bigger picture is ... why does he not want to eat very much of his favorite food? He is a senior cat and health issues could be at play. He is a vital part of our family unit and my heart aches at the mere idea that he will not live forever.
Yes. I am worried. But it is easier to feel hurt. So ... I am adding our cat's distaste for my culinary abilities to my list of things-gone-awry this week.
Here Kitty, Kitty, Kitty ... come on, Andre ... please, please, please come and eat. Please?
Life is handing me a handful of valuable lessons, but the timing is unfortunate. Either I have become extremely incompetent and self-absorbed overnight ... or perhaps there is something hormonal at play and things simply feel a little bit magnified. I am doing my best to simply add a little 'zen' to my thoughts and talk myself down from the minor incidents that have shaken my sense-of-self.
But honestly ... even our cat (Andre) is shunning my ability to feed him.
My cooking skills are basic at the best of times. I have a few tried and true meal plans that are palatable and pleasing to the majority of our household. But they get old. Fast. I recycle and reuse our menu of family favorites, but I am really liking take-out a lot lately.
Then there is my daycare menu. They are a little bit of a fickle crowd. They tend to favor what-they-know verses trying-new-things. So once again, our meal plans are feeling repetitive and they are getting some bad reviews as the kids shun what they liked two weeks ago. I'm starting to pull my hair out just a little bit. This is getting too old too fast. What am I to do as the months go on??
But honestly. Andre's recent distaste for the canned cat food that he has been gobbling up? I am beginning to feel pretty insulted. How dare our cat become as fussy as the rest of those I am trying to feed.
My heart is breaking just a tiny bit. One iota of it is because I am feeling shunned by our cat. But the bigger picture is ... why does he not want to eat very much of his favorite food? He is a senior cat and health issues could be at play. He is a vital part of our family unit and my heart aches at the mere idea that he will not live forever.
Yes. I am worried. But it is easier to feel hurt. So ... I am adding our cat's distaste for my culinary abilities to my list of things-gone-awry this week.
Here Kitty, Kitty, Kitty ... come on, Andre ... please, please, please come and eat. Please?
Wednesday, March 27, 2013
Hanging in the Balance
There is a place between 'yes' and 'no' that is a place I enjoy. It is that temporary state of lingering between an option that has been tossed into my world where I haven't physically made a leap of faith, yet I haven't been rejected. It is a place of hope.
On the flip side ... when one lingers too long in that place of indecision, it is one of my least favorite places to be.
That place is different than that brief, lingering state of waiting for someone else's decision that can ultimately change the course of where-I-go-from here.
When one is sitting and literally waiting for the phone to ring for one day too long, it becomes very uncomfortable.
Seeds of doubt are planted and have time to grow. Incidents that may or may not be related to the initial 'seed' become intertwined in my mind and I can create some pretty fascinating stories in my mind.
I am waiting for a potential new family to call me back. They were calling my references as a mere formality. They ultimately told me that they had already chosen me to take care of their child. I am simply waiting for their final answer. And waiting.
Why am I so worried? Because I am an imperfect person in an imperfect world. I know that one of my references expects near-perfection in the person who provides care for their child. And I haven't talked to 'that parent' all week. I have intertwined the two incidents and they have become one giant mess in my mind.
I know that people get busy and distracted in their own lives. It isn't 'all about me', when someone doesn't call or react or show up. Yet there are days. Those days when the final decision simply takes one day or one moment-in-time too long.
In the past, I have contacted the person I need to talk to in an effort to nip my worries in the bud. I have embarrassed myself more times than I care to remember because I blew things out of proportion in my mind. Then actually called 'that someone' and confessed all that I was thinking.
Yesterday I decided that this was yet another case of me inventing things to worry about. So I decided to simply trust that all was fine and I would hear my answers in good time.
The time spent waiting are not the kind of days I appreciate. But they happen. That is life. There is a measure of discomfort from time to time.
The days when I hang in the balance and scrutinize and measure myself against 'perfection' ... those are not good days. Measuring myself against perfection is not a place I should be in the first place.
On the flip side ... when one lingers too long in that place of indecision, it is one of my least favorite places to be.
That place is different than that brief, lingering state of waiting for someone else's decision that can ultimately change the course of where-I-go-from here.
When one is sitting and literally waiting for the phone to ring for one day too long, it becomes very uncomfortable.
Seeds of doubt are planted and have time to grow. Incidents that may or may not be related to the initial 'seed' become intertwined in my mind and I can create some pretty fascinating stories in my mind.
I am waiting for a potential new family to call me back. They were calling my references as a mere formality. They ultimately told me that they had already chosen me to take care of their child. I am simply waiting for their final answer. And waiting.
Why am I so worried? Because I am an imperfect person in an imperfect world. I know that one of my references expects near-perfection in the person who provides care for their child. And I haven't talked to 'that parent' all week. I have intertwined the two incidents and they have become one giant mess in my mind.
I know that people get busy and distracted in their own lives. It isn't 'all about me', when someone doesn't call or react or show up. Yet there are days. Those days when the final decision simply takes one day or one moment-in-time too long.
In the past, I have contacted the person I need to talk to in an effort to nip my worries in the bud. I have embarrassed myself more times than I care to remember because I blew things out of proportion in my mind. Then actually called 'that someone' and confessed all that I was thinking.
Yesterday I decided that this was yet another case of me inventing things to worry about. So I decided to simply trust that all was fine and I would hear my answers in good time.
The time spent waiting are not the kind of days I appreciate. But they happen. That is life. There is a measure of discomfort from time to time.
The days when I hang in the balance and scrutinize and measure myself against 'perfection' ... those are not good days. Measuring myself against perfection is not a place I should be in the first place.
Tuesday, March 26, 2013
Just Tired
I fought exhaustion a lot over the course of the past few years. The waves were all consuming. I could sleep in, in the morning then nap in the afternoon and early evening and still sleep soundly at night. Sleep was an escape. Sleep was a coping mechanism. I lost myself (and several days) to sleep.
I was so physically tired that I thought that perhaps my body was trying to tell me something. Maybe there was a disease or sleep disorder of some kind at the root of this exhaustion. My yearly physical unveiled nothing but I was referred to another doctor who ordered a sleep study. Again, nothing extraordinary was discovered.
As I fought the waves of tiredness and slept through yet another episode of Dancing With the Stars last night ... I felt the difference.
Before, the exhaustion hit me like a tidal wave. As the exhaustion levels peaked, so did my stress levels. I was walking against the current in my life. I was fighting with everything that I had, to make an unworkable situation work. I was depressed and depressing. So I slept. Whenever possible.
Now? I am still tired. But I am going with the current in my life.
A lot of the time, I am kept awake simply by the momentum that my life has gained. I am working by day and squeezing in a handful of extra-income-opportunities by night (and weekends).
I wake up in the morning with an agenda. I can ill afford to waste my early morning hours sleeping because if I do, I will sacrifice the time in my day that I cherish the most. My early-morning reading and writing hours. These are the hours that I ground and nurture myself.
At the end of my days, I am tired. Just tired. Tired from living a full day and the desire to sleep a good, sound sleep so that I can wake up in the morning and do it all over again.
I work to attain the exhaustion I once felt. Now? It feels pretty good to simply feel tired.
I was so physically tired that I thought that perhaps my body was trying to tell me something. Maybe there was a disease or sleep disorder of some kind at the root of this exhaustion. My yearly physical unveiled nothing but I was referred to another doctor who ordered a sleep study. Again, nothing extraordinary was discovered.
As I fought the waves of tiredness and slept through yet another episode of Dancing With the Stars last night ... I felt the difference.
Before, the exhaustion hit me like a tidal wave. As the exhaustion levels peaked, so did my stress levels. I was walking against the current in my life. I was fighting with everything that I had, to make an unworkable situation work. I was depressed and depressing. So I slept. Whenever possible.
Now? I am still tired. But I am going with the current in my life.
A lot of the time, I am kept awake simply by the momentum that my life has gained. I am working by day and squeezing in a handful of extra-income-opportunities by night (and weekends).
I wake up in the morning with an agenda. I can ill afford to waste my early morning hours sleeping because if I do, I will sacrifice the time in my day that I cherish the most. My early-morning reading and writing hours. These are the hours that I ground and nurture myself.
At the end of my days, I am tired. Just tired. Tired from living a full day and the desire to sleep a good, sound sleep so that I can wake up in the morning and do it all over again.
I work to attain the exhaustion I once felt. Now? It feels pretty good to simply feel tired.
Monday, March 25, 2013
Starting From Neutral
It is Monday morning and I sit and await the wonders that will behold me this week ...
{Birds are singing, the sun is shining and little animals are chattering in Disney-like voices as I create the fantasy that is that sentence}
My reality is that I am sitting here in a neutral state as I face up to whatever the day/week brings.
I felt underwhelmed with the 'person that was me' last week. I want to do better this week. As I tell my little daycare family - 'when you know better, you do better'. I must forgive my little charges for not doing better, when they know better. Because I am guilty of the same crime. I will try to do better.
Little things are niggling away at my little aura of sunshine and happiness. Things that truly don't matter in the whole realm of things. Timing is everything sometimes. Waiting for the right time and the right words eats away at my sense of 'rightness' in my world until the slate is cleared and we can start fresh once again.
My life is inching forward in a direction that feels very good and very right for me. I am taking baby steps and looking into the future. Perhaps too far into the future? Is it right to be instigating changes this far in advance? Everything inside of me is telling me that this is the right strategy. Yet experience has taught me to expect the unexpected. I have one foot in the present and the other stepping towards the future. My sense of balance is a little askew as I look forward.
I have (perhaps?) a few too many irons in the fire. I am a little bit torn and somewhat frustrated that I am not honing in on one thing and doing my best with it. Yet when I walk away and look at this from a distance, I see that I am hedging my bets a little bit here. I'm diversifying my knowledge and abilities so if one thing goes awry, I have a back-up plan (and income). And a little 'retirement planning' to boot.
I know that I am the only one who can turn this state of being neutral into driving in a forward direction. I will start today with a fresh slate and do the best I can. Some days, my best is better than others. But starting from a neutral position without a bias on the negative is a good beginning.
One never knows what the day will bring. It is truly better that way.
Take the day one step at a time and make it into the best day that you can with whatever life hands you today.
Happy Monday!
{Birds are singing, the sun is shining and little animals are chattering in Disney-like voices as I create the fantasy that is that sentence}
My reality is that I am sitting here in a neutral state as I face up to whatever the day/week brings.
I felt underwhelmed with the 'person that was me' last week. I want to do better this week. As I tell my little daycare family - 'when you know better, you do better'. I must forgive my little charges for not doing better, when they know better. Because I am guilty of the same crime. I will try to do better.
Little things are niggling away at my little aura of sunshine and happiness. Things that truly don't matter in the whole realm of things. Timing is everything sometimes. Waiting for the right time and the right words eats away at my sense of 'rightness' in my world until the slate is cleared and we can start fresh once again.
My life is inching forward in a direction that feels very good and very right for me. I am taking baby steps and looking into the future. Perhaps too far into the future? Is it right to be instigating changes this far in advance? Everything inside of me is telling me that this is the right strategy. Yet experience has taught me to expect the unexpected. I have one foot in the present and the other stepping towards the future. My sense of balance is a little askew as I look forward.
I have (perhaps?) a few too many irons in the fire. I am a little bit torn and somewhat frustrated that I am not honing in on one thing and doing my best with it. Yet when I walk away and look at this from a distance, I see that I am hedging my bets a little bit here. I'm diversifying my knowledge and abilities so if one thing goes awry, I have a back-up plan (and income). And a little 'retirement planning' to boot.
I know that I am the only one who can turn this state of being neutral into driving in a forward direction. I will start today with a fresh slate and do the best I can. Some days, my best is better than others. But starting from a neutral position without a bias on the negative is a good beginning.
One never knows what the day will bring. It is truly better that way.
Take the day one step at a time and make it into the best day that you can with whatever life hands you today.
Happy Monday!
Sunday, March 24, 2013
I May Not Be There Yet ...
Today's inspiration comes to you on behalf of a quote I found on Facebook this morning:
There are days, weeks and months that feel like I have spun my wheels and gone no where.
I have travelled down roads that didn't take me where I thought I wanted to go, so I turned around and tried again.
I have sat in neutral and done absolutely nothing for (what feels like) days, weeks and months. Even in 'doing nothing', I did something. I absorbed what I saw, heard and felt. Even that time of 'doing nothing' did something that gave me the insight that I would utilize to take me where I needed to go.
Then there are those times where I have actively gone out and pursued my goals. I have taken tentative steps, sent out feelers and gone all out and just went boldly where I had never gone before.
The good, the bad and the ugly are all a part of this thing called 'life'. Every person we meet, every chance encounter ... it all makes a difference to the way we see ourselves and the small differences we can make within our own little world.
Making mistakes, spinning your wheels, taking chances and simply waking up each morning and putting one foot in front of the other makes an impact. We are a work in progress. Every thing we see, hear, feel and do takes us one step closer to where we hope to be.
No matter where you are today, no matter how futile yesterday felt, no matter that it feels like you are spinning your wheels or going backwards and not making headway towards that illusive place of where you hope to be ... you are closer than you were yesterday.
"I may not be there yet ... but I'm closer than I was yesterday"
There are days, weeks and months that feel like I have spun my wheels and gone no where.
I have travelled down roads that didn't take me where I thought I wanted to go, so I turned around and tried again.
I have sat in neutral and done absolutely nothing for (what feels like) days, weeks and months. Even in 'doing nothing', I did something. I absorbed what I saw, heard and felt. Even that time of 'doing nothing' did something that gave me the insight that I would utilize to take me where I needed to go.
Then there are those times where I have actively gone out and pursued my goals. I have taken tentative steps, sent out feelers and gone all out and just went boldly where I had never gone before.
The good, the bad and the ugly are all a part of this thing called 'life'. Every person we meet, every chance encounter ... it all makes a difference to the way we see ourselves and the small differences we can make within our own little world.
Making mistakes, spinning your wheels, taking chances and simply waking up each morning and putting one foot in front of the other makes an impact. We are a work in progress. Every thing we see, hear, feel and do takes us one step closer to where we hope to be.
No matter where you are today, no matter how futile yesterday felt, no matter that it feels like you are spinning your wheels or going backwards and not making headway towards that illusive place of where you hope to be ... you are closer than you were yesterday.
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