Scattered Thoughts

Blah. That is it. That is how I feel this morning ...

Papers are piling up around me. Little notes of things-that-are-pending in my world. Lists of known and unknown expenses ahead. Another list of pending income sources that have been delayed. Little things that I would like to do. Upcoming holidays. Notes-to-self are fluttering around in my head.

Money. I must sit down and have a talk with myself. I have been overspending. This must stop ...

I must start earning more. Or spending less. Or both. And perhaps win a small lottery. Stop that! A lottery is not the answer. I know that. I must take the reins and control the income and the outgo around here.

My thoughts are as scattered as the notes I have in front of me.

I have been reading words that are inspirational. Yet I have not been able to fully absorb what I am reading and turn the information into action in my own world. In fact, I feel less-than-I-am because I am seeing who-I-should-be and I am not living up to my own potential.

I am disappointed in myself.

Perhaps the busy-ness of the past month is catching up with me. I see one day in my future which is (as of this moment) a completely empty box on the calendar. I want to write the word "ME!" on that date and keep it clear of all commitments.

I am craving a day to call my own. A day of solitude ... a day to nourish my soul.

"I lived in solitude in the country and noticed how the monotony of quiet life stimulates the creative mind." ~ Albert Einstein

"If we fail to nourish our souls, they wither, and without soul, life ceases to have meaning.... The creative process shrivels in the absence of continual dialogue with the soul. And creativity is what makes life worth living." ~ Marion Woodman

Overheated

The words are stuck today (I think it is the heat), so I am going to set my fingers free to let them say what they want to say. Sometimes they surprise me. Today? I'm not so sure.

Oh ... the heat! Where is the outdoor thermostat please? I don't enjoy extreme weather (who does??), but given a choice I would never choose 'hot'.

If you are cold, you can find ways to warm yourself up. But overheating? It is dangerous and it is not easy to cool down once you are overheated. I saw my mom's ankles at the end of a long, hot day of sitting, enduring the weather and travelling. It was scary. She blamed the heat.

I took my daycare family out to the mall for a 'field trip'. We spent two hours out of the house. It took twenty minutes to walk there. Twenty minutes to walk back. The kids got to sit back and ride in the stroller so they weren't adding to their body heat by expending any extra energy. I packed water and kept them hydrated. I slathered on sunscreen. I did everything that I could think to do ... but I was worried about the heat.

Extreme heat brings on extreme consequences. Tornadoes. Thunderstorms ...

A friend's tree was struck by lightening and it came crashing down on her house. My friend lives in the same neighborhood as Mom. I called Mom to see how she fared during the thunderstorm. She didn't hear a thing. She was simply grateful that it had cooled off during the night and she was busy letting all the cool air into her house.

Mom lives five hours away from here. We often get their weather a day later. I must admit that I am liking the idea of cooling off.

Today? I am grateful for air conditioning. We are going to soak up the cool air within and breathe easy. And hope that some cooler air blows this way soon ...

A Creme-Filled Weekend

It was an 'Oreo' kind of weekend. Time for myself at the beginning. Time for myself at the end. With a lot of good creamy filling in between. I need those not-as-memorable wafers to act as a sandwich so that the good stuff doesn't get lost.

Saturday morning was a dream. Time to putter. Time to be quiet. I need more time-like-that. Because I really, really need time to inhale. Time to read. Time to take things in ... before I can exhale fully.

Then came the whirlwind. Cleaning. Baking (argh!!). Organizing. Rearranging. Shopping.

Thankfully my company arrived and put an end to the whirlwind cleaning spree. My world slowed down. We sat still. We visited. We ate. I cooked put together a meal. And it didn't hurt. In fact it was really quite fine. Food seasoned with good company always tastes better.

The next morning we woke up to a day where we were gathering with family to say one last farewell to an aunt. A sister. A wife. A mother. Grandmother. And great grandmother. A friend....

It was also a day that my mom went to visit her sister who is presently bouncing back from a rough stretch. The visit was more than we could have ever hoped for...

My aunt could not stop gazing at My Brother. She sees My Dad in him. That fills my heart. We may lose those we love far too soon. But they live on inside of us. And if we are very, very lucky ... we may find a glimpse of their physical presence within our family.

We spent the afternoon among family. Nestled within the confines of our home town, we found comfort. Simply ... by being together. Few words were necessary, but the words that were spoken ... or sung ... or thought ... were enough.

Then came the long ride 'home'. My mom's home. I was a passenger in the back seat of my brother's car (kudos to my anti-nausea patches - they made the impossible ... possible). Windows were open to cool us down. Conversation was not possible over the sound of the wind within the car. It was a quiet ride home. We all had lots to think about. We were silent among ourselves. But we were not alone. It was a comforting ride.

There was time to sleep, then it was time for me to make the return trip back to my own home (I have given my mom's car a home - all I had to do was pick it up).

Six hours of solitude wrapped up a very busy, thought provoking weekend. And it was good. I was sufficiently caffeinated and I made the trip home fully alert and on my game.

I came home to find My Youngest holding down the fort. He tended to our cat family, our yard and himself in my absence. He is a good guy to have around the house.

As I readied myself for the week ahead, I was happy. I was content. I was 'full'. Weekends such as the one I just lived, have the ability to wear me down. Not this one. All the good stuff was held together within the flavor of those two chocolate wafers of solitude.

It feels good to be home.

The Wild Rose of a Prairie Summer

I came upon a wild rose that had sprung up willfully on a city street boulevard. I was taken back in time.

Finding a wild rose on the walk home from school signaled the end of another school year. Summer time... the school picnic... July 1st...

"The July 1st Sports Day was a big summer event for us. We didn't always get to go but it was a fun day when we did. And a long one too. Driving home with a team of horses at night, looking at the stars and thinking of the day's events."

The memories of the stories she told came barreling back to me when I spotted that wild rose. Stories of her childhood during the Dirty 30's. Tales of living life as they knew it in among the realities of drought and a life of making do with what you had.

We look back today and call those years 'The Depression'. They were too young to remember a time when things were any different.

Little things meant a lot. Rare family outings in the summer time… eating an ice cream cone… looking up into the stars on their ride home in their horse drawn buggy after a memorable occasion…

May you find joy in the simple things in life … and remember her.

“The rose and the thorn, and sorrow and gladness are linked together.”

~Saadi

The Weather Forecast - Do We Really Want to Know??

It is the calm before the storm...

Not really a storm. A storm would require hunkering down into survival mode. Battening down the hatches. Gathering all that you need and love close to you and holding them close. A protective mode. No. It is not a storm.

It is more like ... changeable weather conditions ahead.

I'm expecting company in just more than a handful of hours. My company has low expectations. They expect little more than a place to lie their head tonight and perhaps a cup of coffee with a side order of toast in the morning. Blessed are those who expect nothing, for they shall not be disappointed.

We will wake up tomorrow morning and head towards our home town where we will gather with  family. These past few weekends, Mom's sisters seem to be drawing people family together no matter where they are in this universe. The reasons we gather may vary, but the result is being surrounded by family. And that is always a good thing.

I will not stop at home again before I head back for an overnighter at Mom's house after tomorrow's gathering. I am adopting her car and driving it back home on Monday. A six & a half hour drive west on Sunday, followed by a five hour drive in an eastward direction twelve hours later. Insert some time to sleep within that twelve hour lay-over at my mom's and it will be one tiring day.

Before my company arrives, I have errands to run (an anti-nausea patch is high on my list of priorities for the hours I must invest in being a passenger), some baking to do, a house to clean and laundry. Always laundry ...

I sat down on the couch first thing this morning and immediately fell back to sleep. And it was good. I started to move but I have made it no further than the computer desk. And that was good too.

This is the end of a four-week run of 'committed weekends'. When I flip over the calendar page in a few short days, I have nothing booked except for appointments. Dentist. Car. Vet. Doctor. Week day appointments!

Then there is my Sunday employment. I think that is the 'tipping point'. The mere idea of being available to work six days a week, every week ... exhausts me. Thankfully? It doesn't work for my employer either! So that seems to be working itself out.

I suppose that all of this busy-ness that surrounds my life these days makes me appreciate the precious hours of mornings such as this one. When I have too much time on my hands? I waste it. Life is teaching me a lesson that I need to learn.

Every day is precious. It is a gift. I am discovering that I much prefer to unwrap my days as they unfold.  Waking up to a committed calendar (an unwrapped gift) feels so much harder to me.

A friend sent me an email today telling me that she had "fly-by-the-seat-of-our-pants" plans with a friend this upcoming weekend. Ahhhh ... my most favorite kind of blueprint for a day!

I know that I am lucky to have a full docket in this thing called 'life'. I would just prefer my calendar  be written in invisible ink. Knowing that each day has value and an agenda. But not knowing exactly what that was until the day revealed itself to me.

My leisure time has come to an end. I must make cat hair disappear and set up a bed. I must move forward with the momentum of the day and see what has been written in invisible ink within today's agenda.

My changeable weather forecast will soon be present weather conditions. I had best go put on some sun screen to prevent over exposure to the rays of sunshine that are sure to be beaming through this agenda called 'life'.

I Am the One Who is Going to Change That!

A sound bite from a conversation that I had with a relative last weekend:

Her: "So are you still dancing?"
Me: "I have one more lesson left ..." (inaudible sigh)
Her: (perplexed expression)... "You are still taking lessons? Haven't you learned enough? ... Are you going for 'Dancing With the Stars' or what?"
Me: "Dance lessons are the only way I get to dance ... I don't have a dance partner, so I have to pay someone to dance with me."
Her: "Well! We are just going to have to change that!!"

That conversation sparked something within me. I'm done. I'm finished taking lessons. I'm over the concept of paying someone to dance with me.

As I made my way towards the exit of the dance studio after my lesson last night, I had conversations with my instructor as well as the owner of the studio. When they asked/assumed that I would be finding my way back one more time, I said "This time feels different ...".

"Why? What is different?"

What is different? My knee-jerk response is the truth. I have a life now.

When I started dancing, I didn't have a social life. At all. A big night out on the town for me, consisted of going to a dentist appointment. Because it was the only time that I got to leave the house without a child in tow. Now that My Youngest is fifteen years old, my out-of-the-house adventures are childless pretty much 100% of the time (especially since my fifteen year old feels like anything but 'a child' any more).

When I started dancing, I was a bit of a recluse. I didn't have a lot of friendships that took me out of the confines of my safety zones. The friendships that I had, welcomed my children as readily as they accepted me. My dependent children were welcome wherever I went, so this takes me back to the excitement that I felt when I got to go see my dentist. Alone!

When I started dancing, I hadn't fully discovered family outside of my siblings and my mom. Big family gatherings? I panicked at the mere thought of them because I thought, "Who do I know? Does anyone even really know who I am?" It turns out I know most everyone ... and everyone knows me too. I have immersed myself in family and I have found acceptance, encouragement and friendship within.

I have been invited to join this adventure called life. I have more friendships than I feel that I can adequately 'nourish'. My time feels far too committed. I thrive on solitude and quiet ... and my world has become too noisy. I simply don't have the energy to dance any more ...

I walked into that dance studio almost sixteen years ago. My world was crashing down around me and I walked into this utopia called 'Dance Dynamics'. And I danced. I found joy, acceptance and friendship. I was enveloped in a safe world where everyone was there for the same reason I was. To dance.

I was broken. Then I started to heal. My wings got stronger and I tried to fly ...

I fell out of the nest a few times but was always welcome to come back and learn to fly again. Always. My self esteem took a few harsh blows in the world outside of the dance studio, but within those doors I was safe. I was protected. And I learned to fly. Again ...

Well? I feel confident to fly on my own now. It was worth every penny and every moment that it took to get from 'there' to 'here'. Sixteen years. And I am flying solo.

I may not be soaring with the eagles, but I'm frolicking with the robins and having fun within the world that I have created.

I may not be dancing with the stars but I do hope that one day ... one day ... that someone will ask me to dance again. Not because it is their job. Not because we are within the confines of a safe-place where all that we do is dance. Not out of pity. I want to be asked to dance again simply because someone wants to dance. With me. I am ready.

Thank you 'Dance Dynamics'. You gave me that gift. I can dance. Now I am ready to try it out in the real world ...

My (delayed) response to my cousin that sparked this internal conversation?
Me: "No ... I am the one who is going to have to change that!"

Sharing the Day

My Youngest spent his first day of school holidays with my daycare family and me. And it was good.

The kids love him. He is so good with them. Firm, yet kind. He sees all that I see, but more. He gave them a piece of himself and then they played independently (for a while).

I love him too. I am not quite sure how long he was awake (we were pouring cereal, so it was very early in the day) when he looked at me and said (something to the effect of), "You really need to talk to someone, don't you?" Yes. Yes, I do. Talking in complete, meaningful sentences is a lost art form by Wednesday. You have no idea how much I need to talk. Especially as the week progresses.

We went on a small 'adventure' (okay, okay ... I was able to walk with the kids and run a few errands at the same time) and we ended our outing with lunch at McDonald's. We spent a few hours out of the house and it was good. My Youngest tagged along and pushed the stroller sometimes ... opened doors for us other times. "How would you manage if I wasn't here?" he asked. Oh, where there is a will, there is a way. It's amazing how resourceful one can be when it comes to finding ways to expand your day's horizons.

By the time we got home, there was little time to do anything but get cleaned up and wind down for nap time. At 12:30, the house is quiet and we watch an episode of "Berenstain Bears" (I love the lessons that those animated bears teach children. And me). At 1:00 (or thereabouts), the sleeping begins. The house is silent until (approximately) 3:00. Those two hours sustain me. I need no verbal interaction of any kind. The quieter the better. Thankfully My Son was of the same mind yesterday. I didn't say one word ... and he vanished into the oasis he calls his room.

My Son was up and about before my daycare kids woke up. "Now what will you do?" he wondered. Much depends upon the waking times of my little people. I have one rule. "You don't wake a sleeping child". If they are tired, let them sleep! The world is a much better place when children are well rested.

Yesterday, they awoke close enough to the same time that we still had a fair little bit of time for outdoor play. The skies were gray but they didn't look ominous. At least not in the back yard ...

My Son brought out some outdoor playground equipment. The kids played on that. He suggested they run. And they did that too. They wandered over to the playground and climbed and slid. They played in the sand. Then it started to thunder. Then it started to rain...

My Son ran about the yard, putting the play equipment away and gathered up my little ones to bring them into the playhouse. He didn't want the youngest one to get too wet in the rain and the older one cried because he wasn't getting carried, so my son went back and retrieved him too. I have no idea what I was doing, that My Son was doing all of the work (other than sitting back and taking notes!?!!).

We played with the toys in the playhouse and My Son started wondering how much longer this day was going to last. He was looking just a little bit weary.

"I'm not sure how often I'll do this," he said at the end of a very long day. "Maybe I'll go on some of your adventures ... but this isn't how I want to spend my summer holidays."

"How would you like to do this all day, Monday through Friday ... for the rest of your life?" I asked.

"The rest of my life is a very long time ..." he responded.

I think he will continue to pursue his own dreams. I believe My Boy will go far with his education. The rest of his life is going to last for a very long time. The sky is the limit when you set out and take on your life. It is a good lesson in life to work at jobs that teach you, "I don't want to do this for the rest of my life!"