Facing Fears

I need to push myself to do more 'hard things'.

I didn't enjoy the discomfort of attending my high school reunion last weekend but I did put myself back into a situation that I didn't handle well the first time around and I did better with 35 years of life experience behind me.

My memories of that evening will not be about catching up with old friends, but I did make a friend out of the fear factor that ruled my life back in my high school years. It was empowering.

I came home and the words poured out of my fingertips. I had overcome a fear and I felt very brave in the wake of a harrowing experience.

I haven't had much to write about since then. I think that it is time to go and face some more fears.

I must let my 15-year-old son behind the wheel of the car and guide him into a comfort level that will allow him to (eventually) earn his driver's license.

Yes My Son, I must face my fears. Let's go driving tonight!

To be continued...

Step One - Closing Windows

I succeeded in my goal in closing all (but one) window that was open on the computer yesterday. And boy do I feel 'warm' inside.

This morning, I woke up with more energy than I have had in a very long time. The feeling of being overwhelmed is subsiding.

I do need to get out of the habit of wandering by the computer and reopening those closed programs just to satisfy my curiosity (or is it emptiness??). But I'm off to a decent start.

I have one project that I do want to devote my 'computer time' to and that shall be my focus as I keep all excess computer programs and energy-draining gizmos and gadgets out of sight.

I gave myself the day to finish that which I had started and catch up on a few of the missed episodes of the (very few) television programs I follow.

Am I the only person in the modern world who was actually disappointed that the new season began? I enjoyed the summer of freedom-from-TV.

I have to learn to tune out the technological part of the world. I need to tune back into my inner self and see who I have become since I last checked in.

But right now? I have a full day of work to go and put in. The sooner I start, the sooner I'll finish. Right?

Then I can come in and enjoy a quiet evening at home. Without a 'window' of opportunity to draw me away from what I know that I need most of all.

Keeping those windows shut is going to be a hard habit to break. Sometimes this is the only way that I feel connected to the outside, adult world. But perhaps it is because I have done this to myself.

Living life 'in person' is a better way. I will attempt to relearn that skill.

Playing Catch-Up

Losing a weekend (and all of the sleep that goes along with an out-of-town-adventure) does not bode well for the week that follows. At least for me ...

I could not sleep last weekend. One part anxiety + another part missing-my-home-environment + yet another part adrenaline = three parts of emotional exhaustion at the dawn of a new week.

Emotional wear and tear does not work well when trying to accomplish anything of importance during ten hour days of tending small children. I should not be trying to accomplish anything at all during my days of care-giving. In the past, I have been able to fit a few things into the cracks of my days. Lately? Not so much.

My brain is a replica of what you see in andaround our home.

If the kitchen table has anything at all on it, my brain is at least 'that' full. But a true indication of what is happening within my mind, is what you see happening on the desktop of our main computer.

On a 'normal' day, I will have one or two tabs open on the Internet browser so I can quickly check on what my Facebook friends are doing or anything related to my blog. On any other day, I will have numerous tabs open so that I can read something that sounded intriguing ... or look up an answer to something that I was wondering about ... or finish researching something that I was supposed to do ... or any number of things.

If I have my small net-book computer turned on, this is very dangerous indeed. As a rule, I will have my Family Research project opened up. If I have been displaced from our main computer, I will have the Internet browser up and running and opened up to all-that-interests-me-at-the-moment.

This week, I have had to tend to columns that are due, reservations to be made, responding to emails about our Family Research, replying to emails from friends-that-I-have-been-neglecting, my quarterly daycare newsletter that is pending and my daily blog updates here and for my daycare families.

I had not yet opened last Sunday's paper (on Wednesday) when a student walked up our driveway just as we were exiting our car to tell us that we would be receiving a free daily newspaper for a 'nominal fee' to help him with school expenses. A daily paper to read when I cannot even keep up to our free weekly paper?! I don't think so.

I bought myself a magazine to read during my real-life Hotel Oasis Adventure when I attended my high school reunion last weekend. I didn't even open it until two days after I got back home. And it had a crossword inside of it. Me and crosswords! If I see one, I must do it. And it cannot be done half way. It must be done to my satisfaction. Any literature that contains a crossword becomes a-job-that-must-be-done.

The week has not been conducive to finishing that which I have started.

The columns that I intended to submit on Thursday? I finally completed the job two days later. The reservations that I could have made on Thursday? Waited until Friday. This morning, I have tended to all-that-must-be-done and I have been exiting out of windows on the computer with a flourish (as I wrote that sentence, I discovered two unread emails; responded to one and started a reply to the second...).

It is little wonder that I am not accomplishing anything. I am not sticking with one thing until it is done.

It is my goal to turn off the distractions within my world. I want to relearn the habit of starting and finishing one thing before I 'open up' six other 'windows'.

I am tired of starting ten things and finishing none. I believe that I am allowing (inviting) the on-line world to intrude upon my day when it has no business sticking its nose into the cracks of my day. I must deal with the five windows that are open on the computer at this moment and live this day out loud. Even if living it means opening up a book and sitting still for more than two minutes at a time.

I'm tired of feeling that I'm falling behind. I have set unrealistic goals if I cannot complete them. It is time to do a little housekeeping-in-my-mind and tend to that which is truly the most important.

Original Title - Letting in the Day (Revised Title - Excuses, Excuses!)

Thursday, September 26 - Letting in the Day

I can tell a lot about 'where I am at' by the status of our living room blinds.

Lately I have been very hesitant to open the blinds (which in my mind signify Open for Business) each week day morning. I have felt so un-ready to face these early mornings since the sun started sleeping in.

One of my daycare moms sometimes misjudges her time and arrives ten to fifteen minutes before my stated start-time. When I open the blinds early and find her car sitting there, my heart sinks. So I have started delaying the opening-of-the-curtains until I am mentally ready to find someone there.

It has not been unusual to open up the door and find one of my daycare parents ready to open the door themselves. The moments between "I'm ready" and "Go" have been next to non-existent.

The days when I can bravely open up the blinds fifteen minutes early (knowing that I am psyched up and ready to face the day if it is sitting there waiting for me) are the days that I strive towards.

I have been finding it increasingly hard to open up those blinds in the morning...

Friday, September 27 - Excuses, Excuses

I wrote those words yesterday morning just as I opened up the blinds. Fifteen minutes ahead of the start of my day. I thought I was ready. I wasn't.

The minute I typed those words, life swept in and carried me away from my thoughts, myself and the quiet of my all-too-short-morning. Again.

The kids barrelled in and wanted to pick up from where we left off yesterday. Playing games on the computer. Dancing, playing 'drums' (upside down margarine containers) and 'maraccas' (containers filled with rice) to our new-favorite-song ...

I had an unfinished (okay, okay ... I hadn't even started it yet) Birthday Project for one of my daycare family to create. I was in no mood to share the computer. But I did ...

From there, the kids went wild. This was only our second day of rain and cool weather. And we are already stir crazy. We went for a walk to the mailbox and when we came home, I instructed the kids to RUN in the back yard. Of course running is much more fun in the house and the acoustics (for yelling) are more effective with a roof to contain the noise. They ran all right. They ran into the mud and I had three sets of muddy shoes to contend with when we got inside.

I had to separate the kids while I assembled lunch. I couldn't take the dynamics when two of them were together (my two copycats copy each other to pieces and it always ends (or starts) with running and screaming and bouncing and ...). It took forever to make a simple soup and sandwich kind of meal.

Of course my three-year-old chose this same day to NOT fall asleep at nap time. He played instead. It delayed his falling asleep time by an hour. I thought this would also delay his wake-up time, so I was fine with that. He woke up earlier than he usually does.

Finally ... the house was quiet. I checked my email and found a message from a friend that has been sending me messages for a few weeks now and I still hadn't made the time to respond. So I started a response. Then I received a text from My Youngest as he was on his bus, on his way home from school (I forgot it was early dismissal day). Then the phone rang and it was a friend in a moment of crisis.

My Youngest got home and took over the computer. My Friend and I talked as long as our Daycare Lives would allow us. The kids woke up. And it was the morning all over again ...

My Birthday Project had been abandoned because I couldn't save my 'creation' on a DVD. I had scheduled 'problem solving' into our nap time, but that time was eaten up by other demands. I hadn't had a chance to make a card or anything inventive to present this little gift-of-video-footage to my Birthday Girl. And I was running out of time.

Finally, finally, finally I had printed off a birthday card that was simply going to have to do. And I assembled my little Daycare Family of Three at the table with paper and crayons. I wanted each of the kids to 'sign' the card to give to their Daycare Friend. And it worked. The energy in the house subsided and that got us through until the end of the day (which, by this time was minutes away).

Then (as if the day wasn't already full enough), I had to go and run a few errands. The cats were out of food and I needed milk for my Daycare Family. They were errands that could not be put off any longer.

I flopped into the car with a great sigh of relief when I completed my errands and was soooooo happy to be headed home when ... my key would not work in the car. I tried everything I knew  how to try. I checked to see if I was sitting in the right car. I was. I tried again and again and again (the definition of insanity is to keep doing the same thing over and over again and expecting the results to be different. Yes, the state of insanity was seeping deep into my soul).

Finally, I sent out an SOS to my Middle Son. Thankfully, he was home. Even more thankfully, he was willing to come and rescue me (after his trouble shooting suggestions didn't work). My Son must have sensed my low tolerance at the moment because he didn't even give me a very hard time when what he had suggested on the phone ... worked. I was off and driving within seconds.

I came home, grabbed my little DVD player and the latest episode of the Gilmore Girls that I had missed during my non-existent quiet time of the day. I plopped down on the couch with a can of Pringles, some sour ju-jubes and a bottle of Coke. I ate my 'supper' in my little room-with-a-door.

And this is why I didn't post a blog entry yesterday. Am I excused??

I should have kept the blinds closed.

Today's Mantra

What I am is ...

I watched this little music video and I felt happy. 

I am going to play this for my daycare family this morning. We are going to sing and we are going to dance and we are going to live this little song today.

What I am is ... grateful!

The Insurance Lottery

How often do you pick up the phone from your friendly, neighborhood insurance agent and receive good news?

I used to avoid answering those calls altogether because I felt that I was going to be on the other end of a sales pitch. At one time, that is exactly what happened. 

I listened to two of those sales pitches and then my insurance agent must have tagged my file 'DO NOT SOLICIT' because if she calls me now, it is because something needs immediate attention.

My term insurance just expired so last month I went through the renewal process before my premiums automatically rolled over into a much higher rate. If I went through the reapplication process and updated my medical history I could save a small fortune in monthly premiums.

I had just had my annual check-up and I was pleased to report that the absolutely only health issue that I had was sore thumbs. I am 52 years old and I have sore thumbs (and sore feet if I wear the wrong shoes). Any and all other health questions that I had in the past had been investigated and I have been deemed with a clean bill of health.

It is a wonderful, wonderful thing to simply feel ... good. I wake up in the morning and I pretty much know what to expect. My body parts all work and get me where I want to go. I have no mysterious aches and pains that worry me. I simply feel the way that I expect to feel and have felt for most of my life.

Do I appreciate how fortunate I am? Beyond words. People all around me have health concerns that affect their day-to-day life. 

I know that what I have is a gift. But what I didn't know is that this gift would save me money.

My insurance agent called me yesterday to congratulate me on qualifying for the insurance premium that she had quoted me. Then she told me since my health was above average for my age, I qualified for the 'super-healthy' discounted premium. My monthly premium would be $11.70 less than she quoted me. 

I felt like I had won the best lottery that life has to offer. Not only would I save a little bit of money each month, but I was officially dubbed with the terminology of 'above average health' several years after my 50th birthday.

She asked me if I would like to increase my insurance coverage by $50,000 and still save $5 per month from the premium that she originally quoted. I told her that I had no intention of 'winning' the insurance lottery by checking out early so I would keep my $11.70 per month and enjoy it now instead.

If I save that $11.70 in monthly savings over the course of my ten year term, I will amass $1,404.00. Or that would pretty much cover one take-out-meal-for-two at Burger King. Or several cups of coffee.

No matter which way I look at it, $11.70 in the hand is better than a bonus $50,000 in an estate. I don't know any better way to win at this insurance game.

High School Reunion - The "Ah-ha" Moment

The evening was filled with little things that would come together and become bigger things as the evening progressed.

Before the little things started to accumulate, there were many tedious moments. The moments that don't matter. Small talk. I don't do small talk well. I can't talk about things-that-don't-matter for hours on end.

The boys lined up along one wall. They chatted amongst themselves. It felt like the popular crowd were mixing and I was back where I was back in 1975. The wallflower. The girl that no one noticed. The girl that wanted to melt into the background and become nothing more than an 'extra' in the movie reel called My High School Years.

One girl walked up to me and lifted up my name tag and read my name. "Nope, I don't know you", and she walked on without a backwards glance. It was so rude (and so typical of the reaction that I truly expected) that I laughed to myself. It's going to be a long night...

Others approached me and told me a small piece of their story. They were the girls that 'didn't graduate' with the class. They had graduated out of high school and into Real Life early when they had their first child as the rest of the class waited out their Grade 12 year and graduated with a Grade 12 Diploma instead. I belonged to graduation-into-real-life-early  club.

I was such a forgettable presence throughout my high school years. I was so forgettable that I don't even remember being there myself. The only proof that I attended high school is my report cards and my face in the yearbook at the end of the year. I didn't expect anyone to remember me because I had no memory of anyone from those years either.

The evening progressed and I became a small bit more courageous than the meek and mild 15 year old that walked through the door during the cocktail hour. I recognized some faces from the popular crowd but they were busy among themselves reminiscing and remembering and doing that-which-people-do at a reunion. They were catching up.

How do you catch up with a person that you never knew in the first place? Why did I ever think that this would be any different than walking through the hallway of my high school? Why did I put myself in this position all over again? What was I thinking?!?

I was thinking that there was a reason that I felt so strongly that I attend this event. The moment would unveil itself to me in its own time. I just knew it. Or so I thought.

The evening progressed at its own pace. From cocktails ... to supper ... to dancing ... picture taking ...

I talked with a few people I knew from my junior high years. They remembered my name. They knew who I was. I remembered how they made me feel when I was at my shiest and at my ugliest. Some had said kind things. I told them that their kindness was never forgotten.

Then one of the 'popular girls' recognized me and quickly grabbed a chair to sit down and stay a while. We were never friends but we knew each other. My teenage-self sat in the sidelines and admired those who appeared to have it all, know how to have fun with life and make friends easily. This girl was very popular but she was also very nice. She was always very kind to me. I remembered this and I told her.

She gushed. Suddenly she was fifteen again too. I confessed my innermost teenage insecurities to her. I was ugly, unpopular and painfully shy. I told her how I saw her - pretty, confident and popular. She looked at me with astonishment and said, "Really?!?? I always felt fat ..."

Oh. My. Gosh. The prettiest, nicest, most popular girl had self esteem issues while I thought that she had it all?? 

We peeled back the layers of who we were and how we saw each other and the conversation progressed into our real life, current day fears. It turns out that they are very parallel. Even after all these years!

She never married. I married once (a very long time ago). She is six months into a brand new relationship. She looked like a teenager as she expressed her unexpected delight at finding this relationship when she least expected it in her life. She asked me if I was dating anyone right now. I said, "Oh, no!!" She asked why. I said that I think that I am just a little bit terrified of the mere idea of getting to know someone new. She confessed that she had exactly the same fears and we exchanged private confidences that I never speak aloud. 

It was the "Ah-ha" moment that I knew I was waiting for. The confession of all that lies beneath the surface between two people that (at a glance) would appear to be polar opposite. She exudes confidence and invites interaction from the opposite sex into her world. I feel unnoticeable and like I walk around real life with my walls up and invite no male to cross that line. Real or imagined. We wear the same fear entirely differently.

There is a lesson to be learned from this one short encounter. Never assume to know how another human being is feeling underneath all of the protective layers that they place in their lives. 

I believe that we have our own personal demons we carry within us. Fear, insecurity, anxiety, hope, despair and self-confidence issues. Just as we all choose to dress ourselves with our own personal style and flair (or lack of it), that is just one coat of armor to penetrate before you know the real person that lies beneath.

If I didn't know this girl, I may sit back and make assumptions about who she was by the exterior that she portrays to the world. Did some part of me subconsciously feel some of those insecurities within this very popular, self-assured looking girl all along? I never made assumptions. Not then, nor 35 years later when this exact replica of her teenage self wove her way throughout the evening before we sat down and talked. 

She walked away and resumed her life as she knew it. But our conversation changed me. It reinforced what I knew all along. We are all so very much the same when we let down our guard and admit our innermost thoughts and fears. What is on the outside does not matter. It is what is on the inside that really counts. We are vulnerable when we reveal our true selves. 

I feel for the people who don't trust the world enough to open up and let others know who they are. Hidden truths are a force field that instil detachment and relationships that don't go beneath the surface. It must be one of the loneliest places in the world.

I walked out of the doors at the end of the evening with one lesson in my mind. A lesson my mom has tried to instil in us our whole lives. It was the mantra that I wanted to be going through my mind as I walked through those very same doors at the beginning of the evening. But I completely and totally forgot what I wanted to feel the moment those teenage insecurities swept in and overtook me. 

My wise mom once told me, "As good as you are and as bad as I am, I am as good as you are as bad as I am."

These are good words to live by.