Tiny Habits

It is pure coincidence I have found the desire to write out loud on the day of New Year's Eve. It is even more coincidental I want to write about habits. 

First off, I have recognized an ache within myself I've been filling with food, Netflix, purging on TV series, scrolling, inactivity and simply not being as productive as I am capable of being. 

I have developed an unhealthy relationship with food, TV, cell phone and the ache I feel for isolation. I know I can't solve everything at once but I can tell the essence of "me" is ready to receive direction towards a better way.

I came upon this blog post "Tiny Habits" (bemorewithless.com) many days ago. It spoke to me in a way few things have penetrated my thoughts lately. I scribbled down a few points on a scrap of paper:

• change morning routine - write; read &/or breathe deeply (meditate??)
• movement breaks - every 1 - 2 hours
• gratitude journal
• read
• tackle one decluttering task for 15 minutes
• walk after meals
• ONE line a day journal

This sounds so simple, I thought I should start all of the goals immediately. Then decided otherwise, as I would prefer to add one new habit at a time. So I moved the scrap of paper around daily and changed nothing, other than "drinking more water" (the one new habit I've been diligently maintaining, which is making the "bathroom movement breaks" goal very attainable).  

If I do nothing else, it is my hope to incorporate gratitude and ONE line-a-day that made an impact on me, onto this blog so I can attempt to get back into the habit of writing.

I have missed finding my own answers as I let my fingers fly over the keyboard and write the words that are swimming around aimlessly in my head and make sense of them as they formulate a blog post. I start writing and allow distractions into the room and lose my way. 

I have made myself a sandwich; took a picture and emailed it to myself; responded to a text message; washed this morning's coffee cup and arranged all the ingredients I need to make hamburger soup on the counter after I wrote down the bullet points I hoped to write about this morning.

Distraction is high on the list of habits I want to change as I feel the yearning inside of me to do better, be better and live better than I have been.

I'm not going to make specific goals. I want to alter my habits. Rome wasn't built in a day. ONE step at a time. I can do better. I want to change one bad habit at a time.

Today's challenge? Paint the inside of the cupboard under the sink. I have readied the area and opened the cupboard so the cats can investigate to their heart's content before there is wet paint to contend with.

My intention is set. And I've added a hearty, homemade soup to my agenda to appease my insatiable appetite. I want to curb my appetite with nutritious food - not the McDonald's meal I am truly craving. 

Junk food satisfies a craving. Nutritious food satisfies a body's needs and lasts longer (if one doesn't eat 5 cookies in quick succession after eating a meal). Pause. Let my brain realize my stomach is full before purging on sugar for (yet another) quick fix. 

ONE step at a time. One step in a forward direction. 

Today's Goal

Update (2 hours later):

 

I achieved what I set out to do. Done!

I am now off to watch Oprah talk about how to "Build the Life You Want".

This is NOT the end.

Proceed with Caution!

It's "Christmas" every day around here! I'm a huge fan of the delivery options that are readily available. My December deliveries have included cat food, cat litter, printer paper, printer toner/drum kit, banker boxes and I've recently stumbled upon a few free grocery delivery options. I LOVE it!

My most recent gift in the mail was a paper shredder. It was as easy as opening the box, placing the shredding apparatus upon the paper bin and plugging it in. Voila! I was shredding within minutes. I LOVE easy-to-assemble items!!

Then I noticed the long list of symbols on the top of the shredder. I figured out the "Caution" part of the hieroglyphics but it didn't go much further than that:

Okay. Stop and pause now. Do not read any further. Do your best to decipher what all of the above means.

I will distract you from looking at the answers below and write about the other challenging piece of mail that arrived.

I have recently been hired for a new job. Though I haven't worked out of the house yet, I have invested a lot of time into the process of becoming an employee. I was able to take a one-day orientation course from home and I have been completing, signing, scanning, emailing countless new employee forms. I have signed in and signed up for numerous accounts, with more to follow once I'm at my new workplace.  

I received a letter in regards to immunizations. I'm pretty sure this letter was meant to be emailed. There was no phone contact information, nor clues as to who to contact for specific information. 

I devoted a large part of the day attempting to attend to the tasks defined on this piece of paper. The next day, a revised letter (including a contact phone number) came in the mail. Much easier! Done! I felt like I had conquered my universe.

Onto the next task. Taking my car to the shop to see if they can diagnose a potential problem with a car that is presently in perfect working order.

I have learned a lesson the hard way. I have a "one click" warning when it comes to issues pertaining to starting my car. ONE warning. I turn the ignition. Nothing. So "nothing", that I assume I must not have fully turned the key. Because the next time and countless times afterwards (only countless, because I didn't count the actual number) it starts like a charm. Until it doesn't. One time it was the starter that was gone (a year ago); the second time, it was the battery (three months ago). 

I was five hours away from home when I received my "one click warning". I didn't know how many more starts I would have, so I used my finite number of car-starts frugally. I made it through the remainder of the weekend and all the way home without incident. 

My phone call to my mechanic went something like this, "I don't know if you can diagnose a problem with my car if it is working perfectly but ... ". And they did! It was a bad battery. 100% covered by warrantee! Have you EVER gone to the mechanic and received a bill for $0.00?? Best gift EVER!! 

Life was feeling pretty good. One challenging day makes one appreciate when everything in life happens in a manner that is as easy as taking the next forward step.

Back to my new paper shredder warnings. Below, are the deciphered codes:

My personal favorite? "Please keep children out of this shredder"

Life is full of warnings, cautions and subtle clues to forewarn you of the potential dangers ahead. 

Some, like keeping children out of a paper shredder, are pretty straight forward. 

Others, like a one-start-warning, we learn as we go along.

Proceed with caution. But please DO proceed.

Hi Mom

I had the privilege of a good night's sleep and with it came a bounty of dreams.

You know how convoluted those dream story lines go. I was all over the map. Literally. 

Driving just outside of the city with a friend who died last year. She just needed a friend and all we did was drive. We then ran into the road that has been closed all year and a battalion of army vehicles drove down the road. We detoured and ventured further out of the city.

The next thing I remember we were driving down country roads that petered out into nothing but a walkable path but we saw cars driving off in the distance so we kept driving/walking (??). 

Eventually we ended up in the south/westernmost part of the city. By this time we were walking but I was also walking a bike. When some scary characters crossed our path, I told them to just take the bike to barter for our safety.

We came upon another sketchy group of characters and by this time I was walking with a friend I haven't seen in five years. Details are fuzzy here but I was aware we had a very long way to walk and in a very lucid moment, I said "We know this is a dream. Let's just dream up a car." And we did.

Just as simple as that, a white Mercury Mystique drove up and we quickly hopped in. Who was in their prime and driving the car? Mom. She looked at me and asked if I would drive (Mom wasn't a big fan of driving and was very often a passenger in her own car). I hopped out of the car ...

... and POOF! I was awake. And ready to drive for Mom. She looked so good! We didn't even get a chance to talk. 

It was still good to see her.

It is also a small comfort to see her car parked safely on our driveway.

Thanks, Mom!

The Power of Puttering

I have had the happy pleasure of preparing for guests two weekends in a row. While this sets off a domino effect of panic transformed into productivity, the results are worth it in the end.

Cleaning is always top-of-mind and living with cats makes cleaning an endless and futile job. Vacuuming is the second last thing that gets done, followed by a shower and taming my hair. Once I get my hair washed, my company is usually due within the next hour or two.

But I digress. The reason for this post is due to a morning when I started to putter before I poured my second cup of coffee.

I thought I would bring out my Christmas decorations and bring a little light and joy into the room. I turned on some music and the rest is history ...

Dusting off the unused and neglected decorations brought old memories back to life in a magical way. Everything I touched had been gifted to me over the years. Old friendships, my daycaring days, my family, my dancing years, a handmade decoration from an old family friend which was given to Mom, a gift from my Secret Santa one year ... I thought of each person and the circumstances around receiving each gift as I placed them on my cat-proof "Christmas shelf":

The corner shelf, itself was Mom's. Mom was with me all day as I adorned her shelf the way most people decorate a tree. I served supper on her plates; we drank apple cider out of her crystal wine glasses; we had tea from her china tea cups; we sat in "her room" with our tea, after supper. 

At every turn throughout the day, I heard Mom's voice, felt her spirit and honored my memories of her as they washed through me.

Memories. We are so very fortunate when reminiscing brings about a feeling of peace. The ability to recall and remember is sometimes a privilege we don't have the ability to hold onto forever.

So why? Tell me why?? Why am I tamping down the good stuff? Why am I filling every void within my days and nights with streaming TV shows, podcasts and other people's words? 

It felt SO good to putter around the house with music playing in the background. Light and easy music which left lots of room in my head to think my own thoughts and remember as I touched my life up close and in a personal way.

I have cleaned enough to see beyond the surface dirt and cat hair to discover there is SO much more to be cleaned! I have emptied off enough surfaces to realize I am holding onto things that really don't matter. 

I have come a small way but there is so much further to go.

So why? Tell me why?? Did I wake up the next day and turn on the TV and lose yet another day after tending to only a few small tasks I had left over from the previous day? Why was it so tempting to turn on a podcast and play a mind-numbing word wipe game in the background instead of stopping here to spill some of my thoughts into the written word?

I must remember the Power of Puttering. The magic of music. 

May you find a little piece of yourself today. Tuning into music, turning off social media and scrolling, tend to one small pile that has been accumulating and allow yourself the freedom to putter. Listen to your thoughts, move your body, search for the little piece of serenity within that has been evading you lately.

That sounds bossy. You do "you". We all must do what we need to, to take the next forward step. But when you DO find a little piece of yourself somewhere along the way, stop and nurture the moment and if you can prolong it, try. Just try. 

Balm For the Soul

I took a step away from life as I know it and ran towards the home that brings me serenity. I am here - at my Little Oasis on the Prairie:

I arrived Friday afternoon, bearing ready-made-meals and no agenda whatsoever. All I knew is I didn't have the brain power to think of bringing "ingredients" to turn into homemade meals. I didn't want to be a burden. I didn't want meal planning to take up one corner of my thoughts.

It has been beyond lovely.

A walk-and-talk with my sister which morphed into a lunch and an afternoon visit. Writing a letter to my other sister and walking to the mailbox was the only item on my mental to-do-list.

Once I arrived back home from the mailbox, I started to putter outside. Three hours later, I came inside and popped the store-prepared-pizza into the oven and called it a day. 

It was marvelous.

Today's agenda? More of the same. Simply following the path of least resistance. Amazing how that path leads to productivity when I take a step away from my city home where I live with my work.

Best idea I've had in at least a month. 

May today be the day you follow your own path of least resistance. You deserve it.

Quiet Desperation

I sit here and clutch onto my hot cup of coffee as I desperately hold onto the last moments I am free to call my own today.

I wrote that paragraph and erased the paragraphs to follow. I checked job postings. I took a few typing tests. I peeked my head out into the world beyond the world I have created here at home and feel like a turtle.

I've tucked my head and limbs back into the safety of what I know.

I've worked on my own for 3-1/2 years now. I ran my daycare for 14 years. In a faraway land of long ago, I remember telling myself I was the best boss I ever had. 

I have high expectations of myself. When I stop meeting those expectations, I want to be done. 

I'm there.

But I don't know where to go next.

The saddest part of all, is I do believe I know where I would go if I had no one else to consider ...

I see it.

I just have to get there.

Home.

P.S. I must make a trip to update this photo - a lot has changed since this was taken.

Calm Quiet Place

I have shut the door to our den (aka: "Mom's Room"), gathered a fresh cup of coffee and I'm in my calm, quiet place.

My thoughts have been in a repetitive loop for a very long time, so I have shied away from writing. When people ask how I am, my response is, "Same. Same. And more of the same." And that is the truth.

Holding patterns are comfortable and uncomfortable all at the same time. I've become a little more of who I have been all along and less of who I have been all along. All at the same time.

The past week held a few up-in-the-air variables where I needed to know I had done all I could do, to take a step towards change. That has always brought a feeling of control in an incontrollable situation before. "Do what you can. Then let it go", has been my motto. Trust the pause ...

Thanksgiving came and went this year. I didn't take the time to stop and count my blessings. Truth be told, I count them continually.

I am beyond grateful for the quiet, predictable, safe little life I lead. I peak at the news of what is happening in the world outside of the very small window in which I see the world and I run for cover. I feel like a groundhog who is saying "Spring? Not yet! Not yet!!" and I pop back into my safe little space underground.

I'm in touch with people who matter to me. I have maintained long distance friendships since my family moved when I was nine years old. Long distance, letters, phone calls and sporadic face-to-face contact is warm and comfortable to me. I'm grateful for friends and family who nurture our relationships from afar. I'm grateful for those I do see in the flesh. Less is more when it comes to socializing. At least for me.

Death, dying and chronic illness seem to be a theme among those I know. No one is untouched. Mom used to comment on her feelings on these ongoing conversations. I hear you, Mom. I hear you! 

My sisters and I made our way towards my brother's family's home last month. It was wonderful. Our visit was sprinkled with laughter, familiarity and a sense we were all guests in our temporary AirBnB oasis. It was heavenly. It was life sustaining. Laughter never felt so good.

I have no moral to today's story. I have been craving a little writing time and when I brought out this brand new candle (with a fragrance labelled "Calm Quiet Place") this morning, I thought I would simply stop the world for a few minutes and write.

I miss this space. I miss who I used to be when my fingertips revealed my deepest, unconscious thoughts. I may be back ...