Blogging it Out

Why do I blog? I sometimes wonder why I don't just keep my words to myself. Why put them out for the world to see?

When I first started this blog, it was to try and keep connections with family and friends open all year instead of just at Christmas and special occasions. I thought I'd write about my thoughts, life and how I felt about it. If anyone was interested, I would be here all year. Not just in their mailbox at Christmas.

Then I got lost in the world of words. I went through a phase of wondering what the theme of my blog should be. I posted a lot of positive thinking blogs - bits and snatches of real life intermixed with what I read and heard. That is just me. I tend to need that optimistic booster shot in my life. I try to fill up with the positive and live it. And if I can carry a few people along with me for the ride, all the better.

There are so many parallels in the lives we lead. I may be writing my thoughts, feelings and reactions to what I am living ... but what I've realized through my writing (and speaking), is that a lot of people are thinking, feeling and reacting to similar situations in their own lives. There is something reassuring to being validated in what you feel and how you react to it.

Knowing that I may have an 'audience' that I am unaware of, helps to remind me to be gentle with my words and conscious of the way they could be interpreted. If I was journaling in the privacy of my own little world, there would be too many details. I rather enjoy keeping things just a little bit anonymous and vague. People who know me well, know who or what I'm talking about. And if they don't, does it really matter? There is usually a point to my story and a lesson to be learned. Or it is just one of those things in life that you must endure.

I love being able to look back in time and see what I what I was living and feeling 'way back when'. I love tracking history through words. My history is pretty mundane, but one never knows when that could change. And if it did, it's nice to have the ability to look back and remember the 'before picture'.

I feel like I'm a work in progress and this is a way of tracking the before, during and after of this life that I am leading. I set many lofty goals for myself. Some of them I achieve, lots get forgotten, others are tabled for later and then there are the ones where I fail miserably. Why write about it? I think everyone needs to set the bar high and try to achieve 'great things' (great things are as small or large as you need them to be). I think everyone needs to know that others try and fail. I think it's important to keep trying (or adjust your goals as necessary). I need to be inspired, so I keep writing on the chance that I may inspire just one person to push themselves past a moment in time.

I have often been told that I should write a book. I know that the unspectacular life that I am living is not that of a best seller. But it touches me to know that my words are appreciated by the people who touch my life. By blogging, I am writing that 'book' for the people who may be interested. Who knows ... maybe my children will take these words and bind them in a book some day. Or maybe they will just be available for them to read when I am no longer around to write them. How I wish that I could stumble across the inner workings of the minds of the people in my life who are no longer around to tell me their story.

I like to write about the ordinary and the reality of day to day living. Everyone wakes up with the same 24 hours ahead of them. Some of those days are special but most are just another day. There are little gems within each day we are given. The days that feel laden with burdens and worries don't last. It seems that they do and they can. But in the end, we usually come out the other side of a tough situation a little bit wiser and with a new appreciation of how extraordinary it really is ... just to live 'another day in the life'.

That's all I know. Life as I live it .... that's 'Life as I Know It'.

Another Weekend Bites the Dust

Have I ever mentioned that I love the weekends?? Well ... I do.

I was sequestered to my home and responsibilities once again this weekend but there was a saner balance to the days. So I am feeling fresh and energized as I start the week ahead.

I am finally gaining ground on the job that I've been procrastinating over, the longest. I devoted a great deal of the weekend to it and I'm at the halfway mark.

The jobs that you put off, are the ones that drain the most out of you (simply by not doing them).

I can so relate to how a child must feel when the mess in their room is bigger than their capacity to clean ... or the homework assignment that is too hard, takes too much time ... or is simply boring.

You think and think about it. You bemoan the fact that it is too much to do. You put it off. It's always in the back of your mind. You get angry that it's not getting done (the bad part about being an adult is that it is truly your own responsibility). You do everything else except the job that needs to be done.

So even though the job is far from complete, it is far closer to being finished than it was 2 days ago.

I don't know how long I can keep life at bay. I don't like living like this. But it makes tackling my work easier.

I keep thinking of how I will feel when I get my 'old life' back. The one where I watch TV, fall asleep on a dime and putter the hours away. The funny thing is, once I push myself out of that lifestyle, I start recreating a new one. And I kind of like the new life I'm creating as I keep pushing my limits.

It's Monday morning and I'm already counting the days until the next weekend. If I make the most out of the free hours that I have at my disposal this week, maybe I can have a small piece of my 'old life' back next weekend. Maybe.

Recipe For a Good Day

Yesterday was one of those days that I felt very good about, as the day wound to a close. As I woke up this morning wishing to recreate that day, I am pondering the recipe to yesterday's success.

This is yesterday's 'Recipe for a Good Day':

Start off with a good nights sleep

Wake up and start the day with a good dose (at least 1/2 hour) of exercise (I only did 23 minutes)

Add some breakfast (my favorite breakfast smoothie)

Top off with at least 2 cups of coffee (3 is preferred)

Take time to write (or talk) and release the words from your early morning thoughts (I email and blog)

Write for at least 2 cups of coffee

Face the day

Confront the 'ugliest job' that you have first and foremost (that would be going through a year's worth of statements and deposit books for my book keeping job)

Work hard

Make a deal that you will work until a certain point of completion (finish what I started)

Add lunch

Find a good book and relax

Exercise if you have time (I didn't)

Take a minimum of 1/2 hour break (I took 45)

Return to work

Be amazed at how much you got done in the morning (Wow!)

Pat yourself on the back (I did)

Work hard (I returned to my book keeping - started and finished the posting that I had from the morning's work)

Finish one job ('part one' of my book keeping work for the weekend)

Start the next (transcribing the conversation for the family history I'm working on)

Give it what you have (2 1/2 hours)

Find one completely different job to take on (mow the lawn)

Preferably something physical, if you've been sitting for a while

Start, complete and clean up

Add supper (and dessert)

Take the evening to do what you enjoy (I decided to go back to the tapes I had been transcribing)

Savor what you accomplished during the day

Wind down

Jump into bed and savor the freshly washed sheets

Relax and let yourself fall into the oblivion of another great sleep

Then wake up and start all over again (I'm trying) ...

Maintaining Equilibrium

As I was going through my scribbler labeled "Oprahism's" yesterday (researching my food obsession), I came to a page that was full the emotional reasons why I think that food has overtaken my mind lately.

My biggest hurdle is night time eating. In my notes, I have written that night time eating is emotional. I totally agree. The question to ask yourself is "What are you really craving?"

Further down on the page is a circle divided into pie shaped pieces - each wedge representing the various parts of life that are required for good physical and mental health. Every one's circle could be full of different labels on those wedges but I labeled mine: family, friends, me-time, finances, intimate relationship, fun & recreation, fitness and work.

I know when the majority of my life feels in balance, I feel a content equilibrium within. I don't miss the 'intimate relationship' part of the circle when I am satisfied in all other areas.

But when work starts taking over 2 wedges instead of 1 ... or I don't have enough time by myself, I can feel the balance toppling.

My notes tell me when there is a deficit of pleasure or if life is out of balance, it triggers unhealthy eating patterns. I think that statement explains a lot more than eating patterns. It explains our moods and coping abilities.

There is a delicate balance to life, that I can almost physically feel. When the tides in my life shift and I'm lacking or stressed in too many parts of my 'circle', my inner contentment wanes. I've had some life-lessons that have taught me to fight to keep that serenity. I believe that is why I'm so tuned into what I need to retain that inner contentment.

The question on the page that spoke to me the loudest was "In a perfect world, what would you change?" I haven't looked at this scribbler since I wrote out the words. Yet, I have found myself starting my wish-list lately with: "In a perfect world ..."

I know exactly what I want. I am somewhat frustrated with the state of 'where I am' verses 'where I want to be'.

I haven't done it recently, but I know there have been numerous occasions where I walk straight to a source of food, in a moment of frustration with the kids.

I know that taking a leave from my Saturday employment and replacing the 6 hours that I used to work, with double or triple the workload (although it is all from home and something that I can squeeze into most days) is not the sanest alternative. Though, it is a step in the direction that I want to take ... so I persevere.

In a perfect world ... I would go back to school full time and take affirmative action on my goals.

In a perfect world ... I would lessen the kid-load and focus on taking on more book keeping work.

In my perfect world ... I will be self employed (book keeping), doing what I love (writing) while I am running a little Bed & Breakfast that exudes warmth, peace and contentment. People will come and they will have no idea why ... but it will be because they are caught up in the serenity within the world that I have created for myself and want to share with others.

In a perfect world ... there is a balance in all things vital to my life. Work will not overtake my need to spend time with family and friends. Finances will not dictate my choices. My life will be in harmony as I learn to laugh and play and savor each and every moment. I will have enough time for myself, that I am rich with energy to spend with others. Intimate relationship? Whatever happens ... happens. I am fulfilled with strong friendships and relationships with the people in my life. If it's not broken, don't fix it.

This is what I'm truly craving (not the food!).

"If I build it ... they will come"
from the movie 'Field of Dreams'

Making the Most of a Day

Yesterday was a very good day.

It started with 'blogging out my thoughts' and the realization that I need to focus on the positive. I recognized that the attitudes in my home to begin with me. I can only control my own thoughts and actions. So that is what I did.

I rounded up the kids and told them they were going on an adventure. We were going where ever the road took us and the only rule was: that they had to be on their best behaviour. Because we could turn around and go home at any time.

They felt in control of something, I felt in control of something. It was a winning combination.

Our adventure started with a walk. The walk led us to the library. We walked into the kids section just as 'Story Hour' was beginning and we were invited to join them.

'My kids' were ... perfect. My heart swelled with joy, as they quietly listened to the stories, joined in the activities and songs and were so well behaved.

Their reward was the next stop on our adventure list. Lunch at McDonald's. They weren't all exactly perfect but they are kids. They were pretty darn good. On with the adventure ...

We had one last stop. A playground was en route to our next destination (home) and they had a chance to run, play and just be kids. Time to let off some steam and get rid of some of that harnessed energy.

3 hours after our adventure began, we were home. It was quiet time and 'my kids' were relaxed and quiet (or sleeping). Everyone was content. Especially me.

In doing something that the kids could all enjoy, I enjoyed myself. My day didn't feel like work. Getting away from the boundaries of our home and yard felt like such a treat. If we did it every day, it wouldn't be special. But yesterday was a good reminder of to try and make the most out of an ordinary day.

I felt a little overwhelmed with the negativity that I had let seep into my days yesterday morning. I often start to write and have no idea where my fingers will take me. It feels like my subconscious mind speaks through the words that I write, even before my conscious mind fully understands.

I took control of the day yesterday. I reached out and tried to grab some positive. And I succeeded.

Need Input

We just watched "Short Circuit" on the weekend - a movie about a robot that can absorb information (input) like a sponge. And as I woke up to face this day, I heard his little robot voice inside of my head saying "Need input" .... Positive input.

I've had a few less than positive encounters this week, which is not usually a big deal. But I haven't had much positive to offset the words, so I'm craving input. A few positives to outweigh the negatives.

As these brief conversations seem to be replaying in my mind, it is not so much the words that resonate within me ... but the tone. I am questioning if I initiated the negativity or simply responded to it. Normally, I just let these things slide off my back.

My days with kids haven't been great. The oldest one here wants her mom to find a new babysitter (I know this because she whispers this to the second oldest and he loudly declares that he wants his mom to find a new babysitter too). She has been doing this every time she's been here (she is only here on school holidays), so this is nothing new. I had been told that this family would probably not be here over the summer so I wasn't too worried about it. But so far, this hasn't been the case.

As this attitude starts from the top, it has a trickle down effect. So it is with attitudes. Starting with mine. I don't really want to be here either. Maybe I'm the one initiating it??

So I sat down with my pen and paper yesterday (every time I'm in a state of flux, I grab a piece of paper and start writing) and tried to formulate an action plan. What can we do, with this wide array of ages and personalities that are here over the course of the summer?? I came up with ideas. Now I just need to round up the ambition.

My evenings are pretty free once again with my dance instructor on holidays. Again, I grabbed my pen and pad and tried to formulate a plan of attack. How to best utilize those after supper hours? Time to exercise, time to work on transcribing those taped conversations and family histories, time to practise dancing ... time!!

Last night was my first free night. My kids were all gone one hour earlier than normal. So I sat outside with the cat and my book ... and I read. It was wonderful. Eventually I threw supper together and it was good. And I still had the entire evening ahead of me. I was in heaven.

And I wasted it. I finished my book, I grabbed another book and that was it. I didn't accomplish anything.

I finally finished (to the best of my ability) the pile of book keeping work that I've been working on the past week and a half. I think it is 'to the best of my ability' part that is so frustrating. I can complete, absolutely nothing. Between missing paperwork, unanswered questions and misleading information ... 'finished' is far from finished. I don't like working when I am unable to finish a job. There is little satisfaction to a job well done, when that job has 24 sticky notes with "??'s" marked on them and 2 pages worth of questions to be answered.

I'm spinning my wheels. I have so much to do ... and I'm not doing any more than the required minimum. I need a little dose of adrenaline coursing through my veins.

That is what 'positive input' does for me. Interactions with the positive people with my life is my life line. And I think it works both ways.

Time for action. If I need 'positive input', I must reach out for it. And that ... I shall do!

Everyone Has a Story

Once again, I have spent my morning reading other people's blogs. Why am I so drawn to these people that I don't even know?

There are many reasons ... one of them being, that I am quietly cheering them on from my own corner of the world. But another, is that I am in awe of their ability to put the words to what so many others are going through.

These people will never know the full extent of how their honesty and ability to communicate it has touched, encouraged and validated so many others.

The written word is very powerful.

Some people have a magical way of putting their words together, telling their story and getting their point across eloquently.

Some people don't have the capacity to put their feelings into words but can feel everything that another has written about, in the context of their own life.

Some people try to put their words to paper, but the intent is garbled. There appears to be a disconnection between the honest emotion that they are trying to express, and the actual words that come out. Unfortunately, they read their own words as they felt them and aren't aware that the intent of their message didn't make it to the written word.

Then again ... there are others, who write words in judgement. Maybe they are from the group that are trying to write one thing and say another. Maybe they are insensitive to the pain their words will inflict. Maybe that is their 'language' and it is simply the way that they communicate.

In any case ... words, once spoken or written (and shared) can't be taken back.

Everyone has a story. It is impossible to know what lies hidden underneath the layers of a person that you encounter. Well meaning words can sometimes inflict an enormous amount of pain because you simply don't know their story.

As I read of the pain that these young mothers are coping with ... I wonder if I too, could innocently make a remark that hits a nerve or ask an insensitive question.

I sat and wondered what the safest words could be, when making light conversation with a person you really don't know. All I could come up with was:
Everyone has a story ... there is more to a person than meets the eye.
Less, is more sometimes when it comes to words.

How many times does a simple comment that someone makes to me, result in an instant movie flashback of a time in my life that is triggered by those words? All of the time. I quite possibly have a novel for each of the times a 'trigger' has been hit.

My novels are pretty painless, as far as life goes. But there are so many survivors of so many tragedies of life, that unknowingly cross our paths every single day.

Remembering that every one's story isn't blazing across their forehead in neon lights should make me gentle with my words and sensitive to the scars that don't show.