S.A.D.D.

I am Seriously Affected by these Dark Days. There is not enough sun around here lately. It is upsetting the precarious balance that is My Life.

It feels like the middle of January inside of me. My alarm wakes me up to pitch blackness. So I don't get up. I lie there wishing (and waiting) for the light. The sun is setting before I've had a chance to enjoy a few kidless-hours. The days are getting far too short far too soon.

I'm tired of being tired. Last night I went to bed at 9:00. I was exhausted but I was hopeful that I could stay awake to simply savor the quiet, solitude and my favorite feather pillow. I did not fortify my waking hours with ju-jubes this time (my stomach still does a quiet little roll as I think of my ju-jube hangover yesterday morning). I simply laid my head on my pillow and savored my waking moments.  For oh, about 90 seconds.

My goal was to get up with my alarm this morning. I couldn't do it. But I did better than I did the first two days of this week. I gained a half hour this morning. But it wasn't enough to write a few words before the day came crashing in.

The sun is shining, the weather couldn't be more perfect and we are getting outside every day for several hours on end.

So why does it feel like January inside my sun-deprived head??

I'm not loving the idea of fall this year. I don't know why. Fall has always signified new beginnings for me in the past...

A Lukeless Life and Ju-Jube Story

I have an addiction to watching "The Gilmore Girls" reruns. I have it bad.

They went and changed the afternoon showing from 2:00 to 3:00. This does not work with my daycare family's nap schedules. My kids are waking up by 3:00. This just doesn't work for me.

Have no fear. This channel replays the same episode at 10:00 p.m. and again at 3:00 a.m. so I have two more chances to catch up on what I've missed.

Of course, going to bed at 10:00 means that I will be asleep within approximately 90 seconds from the time my head hits the pillow. Only on evenings when I'm fortified with a few glasses of iced coffee and activity, am I able to stay awake until 11:00.

I wake up in the middle of the night on a regular basis. It amazes and astounds me that I never wake up during the 3:00 a.m. to 4:00 a.m. airing of the third and final Gilmore Girls episode of the day. Never!

Last night I woke up at 3:29 a.m. - right at the point that my napping two-year-old woke up and wanted to watch the "Bubble Guppies". It was at the point in the show when Luke was telling Lorelai the story of the first time they met and that he had held onto the memory and momento that marked their first meeting...

Anyway ...

When I woke up at the precise moment that I had to turn off the TV yesterday afternoon, I knew that I would never be able to stay awake for a half hour ... so I grabbed a bag of sour ju-jubes. As long as I ate, I could stay awake.

My eating skills are waning. I have limits as to how much I can eat at one sitting. Gone are the days of mindless chewing and ignoring all signs and signals that my stomach is full. I have a 'full' marker and once that point is reached, I am done.

I did my best. I ate ju-jubes mindlessly for as long as I could. I tried to chew and chew and chew to prolong one ju-jube's longevity. But I didn't succeed. I had to stop eating before the episode ended. Thus, I didn't stay awake long enough to make it through the half hour that remained. Sigh ...

I woke up this morning with a ju-jube hangover. Blech. My stomach was not happy. My head was acting like it was on caffeine withdrawal. It felt like a was cold coming on. I was in rough shape.

I told My Youngest that I didn't want to babysit kids today. Only cats. Yes. I will become a cat-sitter ...

I am one breakfast smoothie and half a cup of coffee into my day. All of my symptoms are waning. The ju-jube hangover is nearing its end.

My eyes are still heavy and I am heavy into Luke & Lorelai withdrawal.

My Youngest has asked me on a few occasions why I am so hooked on "The Gilmore Girls". He has voiced his concern and wonders if I wish that I had a daughter. No, My Son. No. It is not that at all. But I wouldn't mind 'a Luke'...

So I shall forge ahead in my Lukeless life and live another day.

This Morning's Gratitude List

Words are scarce. Negativity is winning. I am going to write about that-which-I-am-grateful-for as they come to mind this morning:

• Two loads of laundry and I'm all caught up
• The ability to wash and dry two loads of laundry simply by running down a flight of stairs and tossing them into machines that do all of the work for me
• The fact that I have enough clothing to fill the washing machine. Twice.
• A home that houses the washer, dryer, stairs and closets where I store my clothing when it is not in the hamper
• Clothes that actually get dirty again. Whether it is from work, sweat, weather or just plain 'living' ... my clothes do get dirty enough to deserve soap and water verses a simple 'airing out'
• The ability to wash those clothes during my work day
• The fact that I have a job that defines my week days
• The privilege to work from home
• The ability to earn my own way
• The skills to diversify my income and my life to keep things interesting
• Friends and family that are like a lifeline to me
• The ability to pick up the phone and find a friend or family member on the other end of the line
• Connections. To family. To friends. Via the written word. Via the spoken word...

Connections. It is truly by the connections that I have within my life that I define myself and for which I am most grateful. 

A person could have all the money in the world, all the time they wanted at their disposal, good mental and physical health. But if you don't have someone to share it with ... how much do you really have unless you feel a connection to those that share your world?

Shades of Blue

I can't seem to maintain a train of thought these days so I'm just going to sit here and see where my fingers take me. I'm not guaranteeing that it is to one particular destination but I hope that they have a few interesting stops along the way.

I'm feeling a little off my game these days. I tend to want to say I feel some shade of blue but I think it is a little bit more aquamarine. Blue with a shade of green and sunshine, hope and dreams. Yes. That is it. I am feeling a little aquamarine today.

I don't know why there are shades of blue within my make-up right now. I truly have no reason to feel down other than absorbing the seriousness of life around me.

So many people are being dealt some harsh blows. Some of these people are well beyond arm's reach but the ripple effect seems to be hitting me a little bit harder than it usually does. I think it is the unexpected nature of some of the news that I have been hearing. It serves as a reminder that our time here on earth is finite. And I have been wasting that precious gift of time...

Life's little injustices serve a greater purpose in life and in looking back one can usually find the goodness sprinkled among the bad. Sometimes it is easier to deal with the 'big stuff' than it is, to deal with the day-to-day little stuff. I'm not fending off the small stuff as well as I know that I am capable of doing. That frustrates me more than anything. The little stuff is just grating on that one sensitive nerve.

Finances are a concern. Things are getting better and there is much hope on the horizon. But digging oneself out of the hole they have dug themselves into takes perseverance and time. Despite the many life-lessons that are whirling past, through and inside of me these days I tend to feel like I have all the time in the world. It is the perseverance that I am lacking. I am weakening. And I don't like that. Not one little bit.

Negative self-talk is dominating my thoughts. That is most likely the root of much of the shades of blue that are intermingled within the aquamarine that is my mood. I have positive messages coming at me from all angles but I still seem to be berating myself at every turn. Stop that! It is a waste of time and energy. I seem to think I have lots of time ... but it is the energy factor that is wearing me down.

My Youngest has returned to school this week. He played a part in our days and activities within our daycare days over the summer and there is such a big contrast between then and now. I miss him and our little mini conversations throughout the day. My daycare world feels lonely without the interaction of another being that speaks in 'paragraphs'. I am happy that he is back in the world of his peers, learning and interaction. But it is just adds a small dose of loneliness to my days.

Then there are the cats. Oh, our little cat family. To watch them at play is like gazing into an ocean. I do not have any idea where we would be without our little black furry family. Those moments lost in cat wonder turn my day around. I feel light, happy and many shades of yellow.

This post is going nowhere but I will leave you with a moment of 'yellow'. Here is a small video clip of our Junior Cat trying to teach our Senior Cat the joys of playing with an earplug.

Junior Cat seizes every opportunity to seek out and destroy my Second Son's earplugs whenever he finds a chance. This particular morning, Junior Cat ceremoniously placed the his prized earplug at our Senior Cat's feet as if sharing a much coveted bird of prey with someone he adores. Senior Cat looks on and tries to find the glory in this fluorescent orange object but he just can't see what the big deal is all about:

Little things. They have the ability to bring us down. But they also have the power to sustain us and bring us back up just as well.

A Half an Hour

I have about thirty minutes at my disposal before I have to kick into some form of action to ready myself for the day ahead. A person can do a lot with thirty minutes ... if you choose one thing and stick with it.

Lately, my time management failures have come from the simple fact that I cannot make myself stick with one thing.

I can send an eight line email and find at least six other things to do at the same time. Thus, this short email takes a good half hour to write. Not an effective use of time.

My thoughts are bouncing from 'A' to 'B' to 'C' ... and the next thing you know, I'm up to the letter 'J' and I should have been out the door one minute ago.

I have so many little things niggling away within my subconscious mind. Most of them are very obvious but I had no idea how much my upcoming school reunion is weighing on my mind until I wake up in the morning. I have been having dreams that circle in and around this terrifying event. My subconscious mind has taken me back to high school where I was afraid to speak out loud. High school reunion = Fear. Honestly, this is the least of my worries. But I didn't think it was a worry at all until I started dreaming about it.

My chequebook is sitting on the computer desk. A constant reminder that I must start to figure out how my finances are really doing.

Yesterday, I talked with a friend who has also decided to 'spend now; worry later'. We have both spent the better part of our lives worrying about building up nest eggs, emergency funds, contingency plans, only to figure out that no matter how much you worry about it or budget for it ... life happens. So we have adopted a new financial plan. "It all works out in the end." And it does. Every time. Yesterday, her husband was 'terminated' from his job. Yup. Life happens. "It is not yet the end, my friend ... it is not yet the end."

Despite my friend's concern over their financial state of disrepair, it was the least of her worries. Mental health issues are weighing heavy on her mind as she walks through a familiar path with her adult son. Her own health is a concern as yet another door has opened and revealed a truth that has taken her back to a place of loss. "If money can solve our problems, we are very fortunate ..."

The state of 'limbo' is my most un-favorite place in the world to be. This is exactly where my friend sits. It is where I feel like I am lingering (though my worries are far less worrisome than most). When you know where you are at, you make a plan. You look for your best route out of where you are. When you don't know where you stand, all you can do is start to map out various coping mechanisms. You probably shouldn't even waste your time on that but you can't help it. You go on auto pilot and start to mentally prepare yourself for the worst case scenario. That takes an incredible amount of energy.

I don't have to look far and I see so many people struggling with issues that are far greater than the little energy-draining thoughts that are going through my mind. Life and death situations. Mental health issues that are so hard for anyone outside of it, to see and feel.

Even with the worst case scenarios, you may think that you are braced for the worst. Then life throws you a curve ball out of left field that knocks you over. You get up and are dazed by what just hit you. You can watch the instant replay but that doesn't affect your new reality. You are knee deep into a new place in your life that you would have never chosen for yourself ...

Life is ever-changing. It is exciting when the changes are for the good. But we never know when the good will turn on us. "Good luck? Bad luck? Who really knows for sure?"

I shall leave you with an ancient Chinese story that asks this very question:

There once was a simple farmer who lived and struggled alongside his neighbours and friends, trying to exist and fulfil a peaceful life. One day news arrived from far away, that his old loving father had died. His neighbours gathered to grieve, but the farmer simply said, “Bad luck? Good luck? Who knows?” 

In time relatives brought a very fine horse of great cost and fine breeding, left to the farmer by his father. All the villagers and neighbours gathered in delight with him to celebrate his good fortune, but he just said, “Bad luck? Good luck? Who knows?”

One day the horse escaped into the hills and when all the farmer’s neighbours sympathized with the old man over his bad luck, the farmer replied, “Bad luck? Good luck? Who knows?”

A week later the horse returned with a herd of wild horses from the hills and this time the neighbours congratulated the farmer on his good luck. His reply was, “Good luck? Bad luck? Who knows?”

Then, when the farmer’s son was attempting to tame one of the wild horses, he fell off its back and broke his leg. Everyone thought this very bad luck. Not the farmer, whose only reaction was, “Bad luck? Good luck? Who knows?”

Some weeks later the army marched into the village and conscripted every able-bodied youth they found there. When they saw the farmer’s son with his broken leg they let him off. Now was that good luck? Bad luck? Who knows?

May you find simple blessings among that which life throws your way today.

(My thirty minutes are up. I kept to the task at hand (even though my thoughts bounced from here to there to everywhere within this short post) and I started and completed this task without distraction. That will be my mantra of the day: "Make the most of the time that I am given...". We just never know when life-as-we-know-it may change.)

Craving Quiet

I have no words. I am tired. I need quiet ...

It has felt hectic around here, yet people walk into our home and comment on the calmness. That is good to hear. But it doesn't feel that way.

My head is a jumble of thoughts, emotions, concerns and a general up-in-the-air-ness...

I am simply a little off balance. I am craving some of my holiday bliss. The quiet. The solitude. I want to shut the world out for a day or two ...

Our home is amazingly serene considering the fact that four adult-sized beings, two cats and two dogs live within a small space. Personal space is an essential need for all and I think that we are doing a pretty fine job of sharing that-which-we-have.

'Family' is the general theme of life around here. We have had a recent influx of relatives moving in and out and through our doors. It has been incredible and I hope that never ends ...

The tipping point was The Fence. That project went awry for so many reasons. It has consumed far more energy than it deserved. It has taken a toll on all of us and I just want it to be over.

I am channelling an inner calmness within today. I have aroma therapy scents in the areas I frequent the most. I can feel the serenity wafting my way.

I'll be back. Soon. I can feel the words fighting to find their way to my fingertips. They are just not there yet.

The Fence Project (so close to 'The End')

Our Fence Project has been riddled with delays, excuses, poor workmanship, anxiety and expense that I could not afford from the onset. 

All that I knew for sure, is that I could ill afford to lose my deposit and still have the same old fence. That was ... until I stood to lose all of my deposit and have NO fence. That came very close to becoming my reality.

One week ago:

Thanks to my Knight in Shining Armor and his Associates (I will simply call them all Super Heroes to give credit where credit is due), I have come out the other end of all of this unscathed and more than a little bit grateful.

Today ... 

Everything unfolded so fast that I didn't see it coming until I was knee deep in it. I didn't even realize how much help I needed until I had already been rescued.

One week ago:

Thanks to many, many people who saw the injustice of a company claiming to be professionals, walking off the job and itemizing the reason to withhold the entire deposit, My Son did not work alone all weekend to create this masterpiece:

 

An army of 'angels' walked together this weekend and helped me out before I realized just how much I needed assistance. 

Thankfully the fencing company realized the error of their ways and have offered to repay most of my deposit. 

Thank you does not even begin to cover my gratitude. 

"Everything worked out in the end ..."