Facing Fears - A Cat Story

I am not the only one in our family who is working on Facing Fears. Junior Cat has joined me on this brave new journey and I can empathize with the struggle that I see within him as he dares to go where he has never gone before.

I have affectionately nicknamed our Senior Cat "Daycare Kitty". He joined our family when my daycare was in its infancy.

My little Daycare Kitty loves to interact with the kids and enjoys 'teaching' them how to treat an animal. If he knows that I am at his side, he will let the kids do pretty much anything. He has endured hair and whisker pulling, ear tugging and gentle tail grabbing. He trusts that I will always take care of him. He looks up at me with his big, grateful eyes and I can hear him thanking me for teaching the kids to be gentle.

Left to his own devices, he also 'teaches'. His method involves placing his teeth on the offending hand that is hurting him. He doesn't bite. He simply makes the motion so that the kids stop what they are doing. If he doesn't do that, he makes a run for it and finds a safe-kid-free-zone.

He also enjoys the selection of toys - in this picture, I believe that he is wishing that white box was empty because he simply loves jumping into empty boxes or containers:

Junior Cat is trying very hard not to be afraid of the kids. But when a cat is scared of sudden movement, unexpected noise and has trust issues with those he knows well ... attempting to love children is a very brave deed.

He wanders into the living room when the kid's backs are turned. His eyes look a small bit terrified as he makes his way deeper into the trenches. If no one notices him, he makes it all the way to the bookcase and can do a little bit of serious bird-watching while the kids play at his side.

But he is ever-on-the-alert and his ears give him away. No one is going to surprise this totally alert kitty!

Senior Cat was a masterful cuddler in his day. His illness has changed all of that. His preference is to snuggle up on his favorite cushions in my Youngest Son's room. It is a rare and special occasion when he nestles up on us and gifts us with his famous Lion Purr.

Thankfully, I have a tendency to keep the camera at arm's length, so I can capture the moments when he finds me and nestles up on my chest. He does love to know that we have the ability to scratch his cheeks and ears... 

Junior Cat however, is not a snuggler. He likes a physical distance between those he loves and his sleeping body.

He does grace me with his presence almost every morning. One morning, this is where I found him - in between the headboard of my bed and my pillow (check out the ears - still not in a state of restful bliss):

On another braver day, he actually lept up onto my reclined body like Senior Cat had just done. And he accidentally stayed!

One unexpected noise is all that it took before he was off like a shot. Little did he know that I took full advantage of the moment to snap a few 'selfies' to add to his Kitty Album.

The other night, he jumped up on my chest while I was nestled into my favorite quiet spot in the house, watching "The Gilmore Girls". He feverishly did the 'cat thing' where they knead their sleeping spot before they settle in.

Senior Cat has this kneading process down to a fine art. He takes his time and lavishes in the moment as he breathes in and breathes out (and may or may not drool in the process). It brings him such great comfort and joy that sometimes he forgets to quit kneading.

Junior Cat, on the other hand, acts like he has read this in a Cat Manual under the title: "Things Cats Do". He kneads like he just wants to get it done and over with. Fast, furious, no enjoyment factor and I can almost feel him thinking "Okay. I'm doing this. I am having fun. Right? Wrong! How long do I have to do this? If I do it really fast, can I be done quicker??"

The moment he started kneading my chest, I knew that he had the intention of settling in and staying for a while. And he did. Once he got the nasty Cat Job of nestling in done and over with, he rigidly laid down on my chest and breathed quickly. His heart beat fast. I could tell he was out of his comfort zone. But he stayed ... until he felt the presence of Senior Cat enter the building. I don't know how he did it. His back was to the door. Senior Cat walked into the room without making a sound. But his presence changed the air and Junior picked right up on it. And he was off!!

But in the minutes that preceded that ... he Did Hard Things. And I was proud of him.

I woke up this morning with a bit of a hangover from Doing Hard Things in the days that preceded this one. I thought to myself, "Oh no! What have I done? What am I doing? Who do I think I am??" Then I remembered successes-of-the-past. It started out scary and ended up brave. If Junior Cat can Do Hard Things ... so can I!

Face your day with the attitude that doing One Brave Thing will make you stronger. No one is fearless. Some are simply better at masking it than others.

Take a cue from our fearful kitty. You can always try 'bravery' on for size before you decide whether or not to make it a habit. He is getting braver by the day. I just don't think he has realized that yet.

"If I can balance on the back of a movable, swivel chair ... I can do anything!!" he thinks, with the Courage of a Lion.

The Year of Weaving Back the Tapestry of My Life

Something deep inside of me sparked when I made one brave decision. That decision was to make a plan and then invite people along for the ride.

It all started as easily as that.

I decided to go and visit my mom one weekend. My car was headed in that direction. I extended a few invitations and it felt wonderful to say "No pressure. The choice is yours. I am headed that way anyway and all you have to do is hop in and enjoy the ride!"

I think that is basically what a lot of us want to hear. We just want the option to join. Not out of obligation or a sense of doing the right thing. We want to follow our own whims. And sometimes, just sometimes, we need that choice to be easy.

The years 2009 to 2011 were years of living my life to the fullest. They were filled with making plans and asking people to come along for the ride. Sometimes they did. Sometimes they didn't. In the end, I was the winner. I was an active participant in my own life and they were wonderful years.

They were years when I believed anything was possible. I pursued dreams and caught a few. I felt younger than I had felt the entirety of my life. I started to believe in me.

It all started with a decision to return to school. That choice opened up so many doors that had absolutely nothing to do with education but everything to do with freeing up my schedule so I could live a life beyond work and being a mom. 

I spread my wings and flew. I soared like an eagle. I found so much within myself that I honestly believed that I was capable of much more than I ever dreamed possible.

Thankfully I didn't take a nose dive in mid flight. My descent down to earth came in the form of employment that didn't fit me. I started investigating other options and thought that I found a winner. In two words? I didn't.

In a paragraph (which is worthy of a chapter), a bullying situation in a work place took me down farther than I had ever been before. I was 51 years old and I was a victim. I walked through an abusive marriage from the ages of 17 to 27 and it didn't take me to the depths that two months in a toxic workplace situation did. The fall of 2011 will forever go down in history as the season that unravelled me.

It has been a slow process of rebuilding since that point in time. I don't question the fact that I learned lessons that were very good ones to learn. I walked a path many have walked before me. I had such a rosy attitude before I learned a very important lesson. No one is immune to the effects of a bully.

I had one negative experience. There were a few co-conspirators that aided and abetted the situation. Other than that, I was surrounded by positive people, encouragement, appreciation and everything one would think they would need to negate two months of a bad situation. Yet I could not find the person I was before this all began.

It has been a long, arduous process. I have had friends, family, support and encouragement that far exceed that which I ever expected. I have a wonderful support system all around me. But no one else could build me up. It had to come from within.

The next few years were spent repairing the foundation on which I was built. It was on shaky ground and I needed to start from the bottom up. Reopening my daycare was the first best decision that I made that put me back in the driver's seat of my life. 

It takes time for relationships to grow within those we meet in our lives. So why would I expect anything different when it came to rebuilding my relationship within myself?

Baby steps. Steps in a forward direction. Rebuilding. More solid than it was to begin with. I finally, finally started filling myself up once again. But I was still ruled by fear. Fear of making mistakes. Fear of making decisions. Fear of acceptance. Though those years were very critical to the process, they were the years when fear overruled rational thought.

It was frustrating to remember the person I used to be and see the person I had become were not in sync with each other. Why couldn't I find the "me" I was during the years of living life to the fullest? Where did she go?

She is gone. She had to learn a few lessons and come back with a little more perspective. She had to find the new "her" within the lessons learned before she was ready to hop back into the place which brought her the greatest happiness. 

The year of 2014 will go down in my personal history as the year that I took those loose threads and started weaving them back into the tapestry that is my life.

I have made a few moves in a familiar direction. It rekindled the spark that led me down the path I travelled during those years where I felt fearless and was fuelled by following through on small ideas.

Baby steps. Steps in a forward direction will eventually take you to where you are meant to be. Even when you felt like you are back tracking, you are taking necessary steps. If we want to evolve and grow, we must follow the path that we are on and simply trust that the journey is a part of the plan.

A Courageous Heart

** An add-on to this morning's post**

I am upset with myself. No one else. I went through a brave stage in my life where I didn't toss out ideas and ask anyone what they thought. I simply announced my intentions and ran with them.

During that phase, I wrote a book, I danced in a dance competition, I went on an Alaskan Cruise vacation, I instigated a few family and friend gatherings, I joined Zumba, Belly Fit, I took classes and set goals. It was the most wonderful phase of my life-so-far. I made wonderful memories and have no regrets.

Since that point in time, I became fearful. I have started asking "What do you think of this idea?" before I jump into anything. I have not only been looking before I leap, I have been shoulder checking and looking in the rear view mirror until I am unable to move ahead with anything for fear of failing. I have stopped looking ahead and have felt immobilized by the paralysis of fear.

Not today! Today ... I picked up the phone and dialed it. And I am simply following where my heart is telling me to go. I may have found myself a wayward 'musician' to come and join me on a quick weekend adventure. Maybe not. But I feel braver for having taken a step in a forward direction and extended the invitation for others to join me.

I picked up the phone a few more times than I had originally intended today. Each conversation brought a gift along with it. I have gained more than the possibility of a wayward musician joining me on my journey. I have found a small piece of myself that I lost a few years ago.

I feel braver than I have felt in a very, very long time.

“You have plenty of courage, I am sure," answered Oz. "All you need is confidence in yourself. There is no living thing that is not afraid when it faces danger. The true courage is in facing danger when you are afraid, and that kind of courage you have in plenty.” ~ L. Frank Baum, The Wonderful Wizard of Oz

An Anxious Heart

I woke up with an anxious heart this morning. I am going to follow wherever that ache takes me ...

I don't know what it is. If it is simply the need to plan and follow through on something? January (need I say more)? Or if it is something Bigger Than Me telling me to go where my heart takes me?

I have been tossing 'feelers' out into the world, asking The World "What do you think about (fill in the blank)?" And I have been getting rather lack lustre replies. Nothing to jump on and run with.

So I have decided I am going to 'jump' no matter who may or may not join me. I am simply going to do it. Do something. I am going to act instead of simply react.

As far as I know, I do not have to work this upcoming weekend. I am not going to stay home and fritter away another weekend. I am going to hop in the car and drive.

I feel like the lead in the fairy tale "The Travelling Musicians". I am going to head off towards the Great City, "For there ... I may turn musician!"

I am headed off on my own. Will anyone join me along the way? I guess I will find out as I go along ...

Sleep

Sleep is my friend. It comes to me easily and without fail. The moment I am still within my world, sleep comes to find me and takes me away.

Sleep and I became out of sync at one transitional point in my life. I could fall asleep easily but I couldn't stay asleep. I became addicted to turning on the TV to turn off my thoughts during that phase. A habit that I have yet to break.

Years later, I went through a particularly stressful time when I tried transitioning to work-outside-of-my-home. I faced a situation within the workplace that took me down and the residual effect still lies within me. I felt powerless in that world and I believe that I slipped into a depressed state. It hurt to be awake during that time. Sleep was my narcotic, aided and abetted by the television which lulled me into a semi-comatose state that got me through the worst of times. Sleep saved me from myself.

Unfortunately (perhaps it is fortunate?) it means that the television has become like a sleeping pill to me. The moment I turn it on, sit still and focus my attention on it I am asleep.

This skill has been honed to a degree where I fall asleep whenever I stop moving, eating &/or talking. I have been checked out and told that my sleep habits are "unremarkable" so this mild dose of narcolepsy does not concern me. I know far too many people who suffer with sleep deprivation to be anything but grateful that sleep and I are such constant companions.

This affection for sleep really cuts into my productivity though. If I make the mistake of sitting down after supper, it is 'lights off' for me. The later I eat, the longer I can stay awake. The less satisfying my supper is, the more inclined I am to snack (thereby delaying my automatic sleep cycle).

Long story short, it is very hard to stay awake past 8:00 if I am not moving, eating or talking. There is a benefit and a pitfall to falling asleep so early. I wake up often during those long nights.

My ability to fall back to sleep the moment I become interested in a television program makes these wakeful nights very easy on me. In fact, I often turn on the TV and become excited at the fact that I may finally be able to watch a program that I have slept through on other occasions. I have turned on a program with only fifteen minutes left and it is a rare occasion when I make it through to the end. One night I even brought some ju-jubes into bed with me in the hope of watching the end of some program (it didn't work).

Our house is a busy one. We could install revolving front and back doors. The kitchen and living room are the core of the activity around here so I have retreated to a quiet zone in the corner of the house that is furthest from the activity. I love my little oasis. But I am still very much aware of the comings and goings of our household. When I wake up in the middle of the night, I am surrounded in a house full of sleeping beings. It is the most peaceful, serene place in my world.

Last night was 'one of those nights'...

I had fallen asleep on the couch by 8:00 and made my way to bed by 8:30 (after saying good-night to my Youngest Son and our cats). I woke up somewhere in and around 1:30 a.m. and I felt wide awake. I checked my email and found a few personal messages. I sent off a reply in the middle of the night. I was energized by the social contact within my quiet space and quickly turned on the DVD that I had been trying to watch before I fell asleep. And poof! Lights out. Again.

I woke up this morning energized by my window of solitude in the middle of the night. The house will be a flurry of activity within the half hour and I am so grateful for that time that I found in the middle of the night.

Sleep is good for your health. It gives your body a chance to recharge. It gives your immune system a chance to fight all that ails you. Resting your body, mind and soul is the best medicine for all that ails you. Add a good friend to the mix and you are pretty much invincible.

That ... is precisely how I feel this early Monday morning. I am rested, nourished and nestled up all safely within a most wonderful life. I may not be entirely invincible but I am most definitely the best-I-can-be. I couldn't ask for a better way to start a new week.

A Push Into Action

I faced my fears yesterday. I ventured out of the house, drove through the city, down the highway and walked through the doors of my weekend employment ready to confront the day ahead of me. It had been four weeks since I last worked.

The wheels in my head were rusted and corroded. I had a very hard time jumping back in. My employer's wheels had not stopped turning since I last been there. She has been forging ahead with year-end work and she was already in with both feet. My toes were barely wet.

It was stressful. I nudged, pulled and prodded and faint memories of how-to-do-things came back to me. Slowly.

Meanwhile, I could sense the pace that her mind was working at. Anxiety levels were rising. I was battling self doubt at every turn. I felt like I was in over my head.

Finally, I simply told her what I was feeling. I acknowledged that she was running on full tilt and I was still warming up. She recognized that I had not been at work for a month and immediately correlated my sluggishness to how she feels when she jumps into someone else's role.

The change in our mutual expectations was immediate. We both felt validated and each of us understood the other. The day was easy from that point onward.

Our progress was halted because the Internet was down. I went home after a full day's work and was told that I may or may not have to work this morning (dependent on the Internet connection). I was to call her at 9:00 to find out the fate of my day.

It is amazing what a tentative deadline can do for a person. I had until 9:00 to do-what-most-needed-to-be-done in my world. And I did it!

I have not had the strength or confidence to submit articles for the publications that I write for. I read, reread, edited, deleted and vetoed article after article. Too personal. Not coherent enough. Too many scattered thoughts. Good start, bad ending. Simply, not good enough!

Why have I done this? Who do I think I am? There are so many writers who are so much better than I! I can't do this. I can't!!

One sentence pushed me through a moment. A comment from an editor that I write for: "I did hire a fantastic new blogger!" Now, she didn't specify who the blogger was, but she was writing an email addressed to me so I took a grand leap and guessed that maybe I was the one she was referring to.

One comment did not erase all of my self-doubt. It helped, but a tough-first-week-back-at-work drained me. My confidence levels were waning on so many levels. It is hard to push through and change that path once you are on it. But leaving my house and facing a tough-day-at-the-office yesterday made the difference.

Admitting my feelings to my boss (can I tell you just how much I love working for this lady???) and having the conversation that followed strengthened me in so many more ways than she will ever realize.

I woke up this morning and was ready to face the day!

I have submitted a month's supply of articles to each of the publications that I write for. My work there is done (for a month). I now have the strength to move on. Finally.

Doing hard things always energizes me. Always. I become paralyzed in fear with each hard thing that I don't do. Fear has been ruling me and it is not a good motivator.

It is now 9:00 and I have been told not to come into work today. Because I had that 9:00 deadline, I accomplished 'hard things' before my day has even begun.

I need to push myself into the habit of doing 'Six Impossible Things Before Lunch'. Once you do 'the impossible' you feel ready to take on the world (and even if you don't, you have accomplished great things and you still have the rest of the day at your disposal).

Now that I have been pushed into action, it is time to make the most of the remainder of this bonus-day-at-home!

Happy January 11

I started my Friday morning with (what I thought) was a good plan. I was armed with positive thoughts, self-talk and inspiration. Then the Real World walked in the door and all of my best laid plans walked off the job.

I fell back into my moment-by-moment approach (is there really any other way you can deal with a house full of preschoolers?) and another week was spent.

It was not a fantastic first-week-back-after-holidays. I am disappointed in myself. I didn't come back refreshed and revived. I arrived back on the job on empty and I've been running on fumes all week.

I believe that this is a result of knowing that I have a working weekend ahead of me. I always, always enjoy the challenge of my days-with-numbers. I simply do not like tacking them onto the end of a work-week. But for the moment, that is my lot in life. I must simply accept it and trust that it will all work out for the best. It always does. Always.

I suppose some of my lack of enthusiasm for life has to do with the fact that I am not effectively dealing with that which I have some control. I feel stuck in a state of limbo as I hope some things work themselves out. It is quite likely that it is that very thing that is taxing my resources. I am spending my energy coping instead of working on solutions.

I know that part of this is simply 'winter'. My daycare challenges are larger than life because we are spending our days indoors. Four walls and a roof shelters us from the elements ... but those same four walls start closing in on you when you stay within the safety and comfort of home.

I feel it everywhere.

I don't want to leave my home. Not with my daycare charges in tow, not to work on the weekends, not to run errands nor even to go out and spend time enjoying the world.

I don't enjoy January. There is nothing that I can do about winter. But there is something that I can do about my self-imposed limitations. And that is where I must start. I need to start with a plan.

But for now? I simply must go to work. And face another day.

Happy January 11th! The days are getting longer. It was still light outside when my last Daycare Family left yesterday. Now there is something to celebrate.