Cabin Fever + Daycare Days = This Blog Post

I am on the other side of one of the toughest daycare weeks in recent history. I like nothing about how I handled things, who I was or how I coped. It was hard but my rotten attitude made things ten times worse than they needed to be.

The dynamics have changed since my one-year-old returned from a two week holiday. There is a novel within that statement. I will recap that novel by saying the week was hard. Really hard.

Add the fact that one of my three-year-olds is transitioning out of naps and this seems to have changed the very core of her personality. And mine. I don't do well when I don't have that hour of quiet completely to myself.

This is compounded by the fact that there are more changes forthcoming and I am riding myself very hard right now. I have to find a better way to make things work with who and what I have right now.

At the core of all of this, is one challenging little person who I cannot leave unsupervised. I called my friend who has run a daycare for as long as she has had children and one of her own children was very much like this little person. I was looking for advise. I told her my troubles and how I was handling them. "I have to bring this child with me wherever I go...", I said looking for suggestions. Instead she simply agreed. "Yes, you do."

While my one-year-old was away, I could turn my back on this little person because the others were older and able to stand up for themselves. Now I have this littler person who not only needs defending, but she is picking up the habits of the child I'm "protecting" her from. And I am going to be adding one more, younger than her to this mix??

Granted, we are on the tail end of winter and we have been cooped up far too much for far too long. Our weather has been beautiful but what do you do when you have five little people and everywhere they play, there is ice, puddles, mud and/or crusty snow? How do you dress said children when they need snow pants and water resistant mitts to deal with the snow, rubber boots to contend with the puddles, but while wearing said rubber boots they are like Bambi on ice? They need to be dressed for winter, spring, summer and fall all at the same time.

Add all of this to the fact that I have started leaving the house again and finding adult conversation comes with a price. I need the stimulation of talking to someone over the age of "three", but it wears me out at the same time. Thus, I tend to rely on my daycare-friend-from-another-province to fill the gaps of friendship, support and advise when I need it the most. Right in the thick of my daycare day.

This too shall pass. I know the difference being able to be outside for extended periods of time will make upon our day. We have spring fever "times six" around here. We are all getting a little squirrelly. And I'm leading the pack.

Right now, I need to do what I can do with this weekend. Shuffling some toys into the playhouse on the deck should buy us some contentment. I need to do what I can do, with what I have on hand. And I have a lot on hand.

But first and foremost, I must go and put in my bookkeeping day. It is a day that challenges my brain and leaves no room to dwell on the challenges and frustrations of the week that preceded it. I need to debrief from my daycare world and perhaps jumping into a world of numbers will be exactly what I need the most.

The sooner I go, the sooner I can come home. I shall come home and tune out my negative thoughts and tune into something inspirational. I have the tools. I shall dig myself out from under the ice and emerge victorious. I need a little "Spring" in my step and the sun is doing what it can for us this weekend.

Sunny skies ahead!! I'm ready.

This Movie is Rated "I" for Inspiring

I attended "Lunafest" (short films by, for, about women) with a friend last night. Six short films ranging from seven minutes to eighteen minutes long. This mini movie festival coincides with International Women's Day (the day prior) and the entire theme of the evening was very "woman" oriented.

Each film had a message, some you had to dig deeper than others and many of them made me feel like I was standing in an art museum and I was left wondering "What just happened here?" and needed an explanation to understand the intent of what I had just watched.

My friend and I had just been talking about the wonder of "art" and how ten different people could read the same book, see the same movie, read the same article or simply be standing still and watching life unfold and those ten people would internalize, see and reflect what they had just read/seen/heard in ten different ways. This is the beauty of art and the creative process.

I woke up this morning looking for a google image of the movie ratings which preceded this mini movie festival (I thought "I" for Inspiring was the best movie rating one ask for) and couldn't find anything except movie listings tagged with inspirational. I thought this was a good second prize and clicked on a few sites with the intent on creating a list of "must see" movies for myself.

Was it just because I had just attended a "Women's Day" event that I noticed every movie on the first few lists I scrolled through had men and men issues as their focal point? Most of these issues are relate-able to both genders but there was most definitely a bias.

I thought of the movie "Joy" I had just seen a week prior to this event. This, among several other movies made it to a "15 Movies About Extraordinary Women" list (nine of the movies were from 2015). I am not a woman's activist or anything of the sort but having my eyes opened to the idea that many of Hollywood's box office hits are films by, for and about men helped me appreciate the victory it is to have more women's stories out there.

I think it's important to try and control the "input" that is impacting my thought processes. While I don't think the Home & Garden Network is damaging my soul/mind/spirit I don't think it is enhancing it either. Peeking into the extravagance some people live in is not serving any greater purpose. I think it is more important to take a peek at real life heroes, whether they are men or women, and strive to think bigger and dream of the life I want to create.

During the years that I rerouted my life, my dreams and my goals the premise of "The Secret" was my underlying guide post. I have let go of that guide wire and tried life on my own. I think I have found my way back to solid ground but I'm still wandering and checking out various paths. I trust this all part of a process. I can find a positive for every negative situation I've encountered. Usually the positives outweigh the negatives at a ratio which is quite likely 100 to 1 or more.

I was lost but I'm finding my way. In the end, I know I wouldn't appreciate the final destination without the detours. I am going to live today as if it was a movie that I want to rate "I" for Inspiring. Inspiration lies around every corner. You just have to dig a little deeper to find it, some of the time.

I Know Enough to Know I Don't Know Much

I'm glad I recognized I was in over my head but the scary thing is, that I think I've been drowning for a lot longer than even I recognized.

I have paid to talk with accountants twice within a span of six months. I learned a lot by talking with these professionals. The biggest lesson of all, is how much I really don't know (even though I thought I was well aware of my lack of knowledge).

I worked in the banking industry for about thirty years. I took several financial planning courses. I've taken a bookkeeping course and I've worked as a bookkeeper. I have done my own taxes and the taxes of several others for many years. Yet when it comes to farming, business and self employment income tax, I know only enough to be dangerous.

I have asked many questions along the way but one thing I've learned when it comes to taxes, you can ask five different people the same question and get six different answers. Who do you trust? Certainly not me!

People have over estimated my capabilities. I have jumped in over my head more times than I care to think about. Yet I just seem to just keep jumping.

This is the last year I will have a dependent child to claim on my income taxes. I have never been a single, with no dependants tax payer. I want to be ready to make this transition when I do my income taxes next year so I thought I would go into this year as prepared as I can be to help with the transition.

I paid $58.00 to a chartered personal accountant last night. I spent an hour with this professional and she gave me a lot of tips and information. I had made an attempt at my taxes before I went to see her and according to that calculation, I owed over $500.00. I made all the revisions she suggested this morning and according to my preliminary calculation, I now get a $20.00 refund. Hmmm. By spending $58, I will be not only be saving over $500, but I have the peace of mind knowing I have all the information I need to do the job right.

While we were talking, this accountant asked me if I would be willing to take on any additional bookkeeping jobs. She said that she often has to turn people away and she likes to be able to give them a name. I told her I didn't feel capable of doing the job of doing someone's books without someone to guide me along the way. I am so relieved that was my immediate answer. As I heard her forming the question but had not yet asked it all I could think of was, "NO!! Not another bookkeeping commitment!" The only kind of books I want to keep these days are books that are filled with words, not numbers.

I woke up this morning with no regrets. I don't feel qualified to do a bookkeeping job without someone at my side, guiding me along the way. But more importantly, it is just not where I want to spend my energy. I don't know enough, I don't have enough time and I don't think I could be paid enough to take on any more.

I admit defeat. I do not know enough to help someone else. But I am good enough to do my own work. And that is just about enough for me.

Words Left Over at the End of a Day

I think I'm getting my days and nights mixed up. I remember that quiet morning time that I used to savor. I would get up before the birds so I could hold onto it as long as possible before the real world walked in my door. That quiet time is not anywhere near long enough any more. Even on a Sunday. I don't seem to be doing mornings very effectively any more.

Evenings are a different story. I feel like I have been turning over a new leaf.

I have left the house after supper four nights within the past week. I went to a movie. I went out for supper and a deep, reflective conversation. I went out for coffee and felt like the friend I used to think I was. I went out to talk to an accountant and could have walked out the door with a potential bookkeeping job. But that is not what I've come here to write about.

After each one of these outings, I came home and felt "alive". I didn't want to crawl into my pajamas and shut down. I wanted to stay awake and enjoy simply feeling happy, fulfilled and inspired. I cannot remember the last time I felt this happy after supper!

It is little stuff. A movie that made me think and stay awake far outside of my usual sleeping hours. Conversation where someone gets you, they really get you. A friendship where I felt like I was listening beyond the surface. A meeting of the minds where I felt like I have value.

I think I need a little diversity in my life and waking hours. Maybe I can sleep in a little and give myself an extra hour at the end of the day. Maybe my head is shifting time zones.

Today was a hard day. I wasn't my best self until I was in the home stretch of the day. Normally a day like this would have me in my pj's before I sat down to eat supper. Not today! Today I cooked us a healthy meal, freshened up and talked "income tax" with a professional. I didn't come home and start working with my numbers but I did make myself a cup of hot apple cider and celebrated feeling "human" at the end of a long day.

I may not make it back here tomorrow morning but I will do my best to come back when I'm alert and have time to finish a thought. Eventually, I hope some of those thoughts have a point. But for tonight, I will settle for finishing what I start before I walk away.

Maybe I'm turning into a night owl! Although this night owl is officially ready to call it a day. Maybe I'll be a 9:00 retiree ...

Stretching My Wings

Monday feels like an assault to my senses after a most wonderful, leisurely two day weekend.

Yes, two days off to do with as I pleased. I wish housecleaning pleased me more than it does but it is becoming very apparent to me that I was not put on this earth to clean. So if not cleaning, what is my purpose here?

It was a gift to wake up to a day off that no one else in the world knew about. I didn't want to fill my bonus day off with commitments. I just wanted it to gently unfold so I could savor each moment as it arrived without expectation. That is exactly what happened.

It was a day filled with small moments. I felt like I was exactly where I was meant to be and I liked the person I was as I walked through the day.

That bonus day gave me the desire to put myself out into the world of family and friends. While I have been hoarding my time to try and conserve my energy, I have deprived myself of the gift of friendship.

I was the person I most wanted and needed to be. I felt a glimmer of the person I used to be when I felt excited about the life I have created within my little world.

I want to feel this way more often. I am not certain what the secret to this is, but I have a feeling it comes to saying "Yes" a little more often than I have been.

It's hard to step out of the safe little cocoon that has been embracing me and keeping me content. I'm stretching my wings a little bit. I'll fly again.

The Dream That Won't Die

I just heard of someone taking a year off every seven years or so, to just be still and quiet and create. As I sit here staring into space thinking of how my word well  has run dry (or at least "the connection from my head to my heart to my fingertips" - I just heard that one as well), I know that is the answer I wish I could grant myself. (Inspiration credit goes to this video: "Daring Greatly to Unlock Your Creativity" With Brené Brown - Chase Jarvis LIVE)

I look back on my life and see little "breaks" built into it. When my first child was born, I had about a year off. Nine years later, his brother was born and I had another break from the work world. Eleven years following that, my third son was born and I had six months at home alone with him before I opened my daycare. Ten years after he was born, I ended up having surgery which gave me a short reprieve from my regularly scheduled work load and time to concoct a plan which ended up with me going back to school the following year.

That year of education was tonic for my soul. It was exciting to learn, to challenge my brain, to intermingle with adults again. Even though I still worked a little on the side, it was a year that I nourished "me". It was amazing.

My opportunity to work within the school system shortly thereafter seemed like an answer to a prayer. I envisioned an annual two month summer holiday (with Christmas, February and Easter breaks generously sprinkled throughout the winter months), where I would let my fingers go wherever they wanted to go. I would be quiet. I would hear the wise voice deep inside my subconscious mind. I would feel. And I would write. I can still picture that scene in my mind.

I think of John Boy Walton sitting at his desk by the window, with pen in hand writing down his thoughts at the end of his day.

I can't find the owner of this photo to give credit on their behalf but I did find this picture on this "How John-Boy Walton Influenced My Life" by J. Mark Powell

I don't dream of lavish vacations, luxurious retreats or faraway destinations. My truest dream is to sit in a room with a view from one of my grandparent's homes, stare out into the vastness of the prairies and reignite the brain to heart to fingertip connection.

This is the dream that won't die. I knew I had one in me somewhere ...
"Laura Ingall's Little House on the Prairie, with John-Boy Walton's desk with a second story view"

Pushing Through the Small Stuff

I started this post a day ago ...

Here we go again! The ceremonial turning of the calendar page, finding us one month closer to spring has put a bit of a spring in my step this morning. Troubleshooting my phone's ability to download pictures and sending off a required monthly report has cleared my early morning slate. Well, it isn't so "early morning" any more but at least those jobs are done.

Then life stepped and the day was gone. And here I am again ...

Life has been doing a lot of that lately. "Stepping in", actually it feels a little more like "cutting in". Just when I think I have a minute to sit aside and think some thoughts and write them down I think of something else I should be doing, something distracts me or I simply walk away in mid thought like I did yesterday morning.

I've been going with the flow of life and life continues to flow in a forward direction whether I like it or not. Mostly, I like it.

I'm not a big fan of this troubleshooting phase which seems to have infiltrated every corner of my secluded little world. I have even had to "reboot" the dishwasher recently, fought with the vacuum cleaner, not to mention the ongoing saga with my credit card (and now even banking) transactions and all of the other gadgetry which surprise me with new glitches on a regular basis.

The amazing part of "all of the above" is that other than needing to call in a serviceman to replace our oven element (when a stripped screw and business hours the same as mine made it impossible for me to tackle this on my own), I have been able to fix all that ails our home and all its gadgets without spending a penny. At the moment, I am stretching a pair of perfectly good jeans that have become to small for my growing son and they have grown over an inch so far (my friend tells me to stretch them with each and every washing and she has stretched a pair of jeans up to six inches).

Life can have some annoying little hiccups but as long as we can get through these little challenges (and really, anything that doesn't involve one's health and emotional well being is "small stuff"), one trouble at a time these are really little more than character building moments, akin to the frustration of untangling Christmas lights.

Yes, I wouldn't mind a break from the endless list of "things going wrong" around here, but anything that can be fixed, replaced or one can live without is small potatoes in this big, scary world of problems without answers.

I will plug along and see what the day brings. Yesterday, a last minute invitation pushed me out of my world and well past my bedtime when I was invited to see a 9:00 movie with a friend. The movie was "Joy". I knew nothing about the premise of the movie when I sat down and it started to roll before my eyes. I was simply expecting a "joyful" movie. Which it was not. It is very much a movie about a woman who perseveres through the challenges of life in all of its dimensions. Just when you think she's got it made in the shade, another "glitch" arises. It is up to us to pick ourselves up, walk through the mire and go boldly towards a future we've dreamed of.

Today, my dreams are small. But if I keep troubleshooting my way through the small stuff, I'll keep building my stamina for the big stuff which could be around the next corner. For now, I'm grateful my troubles are nothing more than annoyance. Life is good.

"We got here from hard work, patience, and humility. Don't think the world owes you anything because the world owes you nothing." ~ Joy (from the movie "Joy")