Time

Time is an elusive thing to me. When I have it, I fritter it away. When I lack it, I use it as an excuse. I can do hard things. I just have to find make the time.

Mornings are where it's at for me. I can do hard things in the morning. I enjoy frittering away my mornings but how I start my day sets the tone for the hours that follow.

Evenings signal quiet, slowing down and low expectations. During our renovations, I managed to do what had to be done at the end of my long days away from home. But I felt depleted instead of energized.

Weekends are "my time". Time to do what revives me. Most of the time I do precious little. Again, prior and during the renovation, I did a lot more with my weekends. Generally, I had one day of accomplishing things. A second day to rest.

I believe I have lost my balance. I seem to be moving in slow motion. The post reno days have not been a time of great accomplishment.

This morning, I decided to make the time to update the photos which adorn our hallway. I ordered the pictures one day, picked them up the next, rested on the third day and changed them this morning.

I can't figure out how one picture used to hang. I either broke something or my son figured out a way to make a missing picture hanger work.

The arrangement and precisely balanced group of photos has been tampered with. Now, in place of a picture of my three sons, I have an empty nail.

One step ahead, two steps back. It's a little bit how time feels to me. I'm given an hour, I waste two. Then I wonder why I don't get anything done.

Living Room With a View

I'm a private person. The moment dusk arrives, I shut all of our blinds and close out the world. I don't want anyone to be able to see inside our home. 

What I've recently discovered is that in shutting out the world so others can't see in, I have been hampering my own view to the world outside our window.

I have missed so much.

During this time of Great Renovation, we lost all of our blinds (aka: privacy) upstairs. The kitchen blinds were spared because they were already new. In fact, they may have been the catalyst to all that followed ...

In the past, when our living room window has been without a covering, I have rigged up sheets in the interim. The window is large, so one sheet wasn't enough. It was an elaborate affair requiring much fuss and ado. During the day, the sheets would remain hanging by one nail which would make the nightly ritual of "closing out the world" a little easier.

During a renovation of massive proportions, hanging up sheets at night was purely impractical. Living in a work zone, amidst a daily dosage of saw dust and relative disarray made the idea of leaving our window unadorned, providing an open concept to the world, outdoors the logical choice. 

I never thought I would say this, but I have been very much enjoying the view.

My morning rabbit spotting ritual has been made ever so much easier. This morning, our friendly neighborhood rabbits came together and put on a little show which I would have missed entirely, had the blinds been up and operational.

I find myself simply standing still and enjoying the view. Even when there is nothing to see. 

Our blinds are on order and our window will remain bare for several more weeks. In fact, I revised the size of the blinds to add a few more inches so when opened, our view will remain unobstructed by the opened blinds. 

Our view is not extraordinary. We look out onto a residential street which is sometimes adorned with a rabbit or two. As I snapped this picture in the twilight hours of the morning so I had an image to accompany this morning's post, I had a déjà vu moment. I've been here before ...

My view this morning

My view from Mom's house, the last time I stayed there

As the main floor of our home has come together, I find myself standing in the middle of all which is very familiar to me. Whether it is by intention or by accident, I feel like I have recreated the feeling I had when I was at Mom's.

The fact that Mom's belongings are sprinkled generously around our home adds to the sensation but I feel grounded and serene. It is as if our home is not only protecting us from the outside elements but I feel its warm embrace.

This house spoke to me from the moment we met. I could visualize creating a home here within these walls. I have resented the work and money it  has taken to maintain and sustain it at times, but at times like this? After gracing its sturdy walls with some fresh paint and loving care? I can almost here the walls say "Thank you, we needed this!"

Ever since I walked away from my marriage with little more than I could carry, I vowed I would never become attached to material belongings. That which can be taken away is not worth carrying a high value. Despite that fact, I have forged an attachment to this house enough call it "home".

I love the way I feel within these walls of ours. I love coming home no matter what state of repair or disrepair our house has fallen into. 

I remember falling in love with the feeling I had within the walls of the home I created in a time long ago and far away.

I recall the same feeling enveloping our home when we first moved to Saskatoon. Safety, comfort, warmth and a place to lay our weary heads at the end of each day.

It has always been about "home". Not the "house". 

A home can be created almost anywhere you feel safe and protected from the outside elements.

I am feeling incredibly grateful for this house which has been home to us for almost 25 years. It has provided so much more than the creature comforts of a house. 

It not only has a living room with a view ... it is home. A home with a view.

Waiting for the Weekend

Oh, how I wish I could simply stay home today.

Now that our great Renovation Project is all but behind us, all I want to do is curl up with a good book and breathe in the serenity of our home.

All the should have, could have, would have's are plaguing me this morning. I should have and could have done so much more with the weekend in my rear view mirror. But I didn't.

I did little things. I did more than I have done in the past. I also relaxed. And I slept.

On one hand, I feel energized and renewed. On the other hand, I'm tired. Just tired.

I wish I could simply snuggle up on a couch today. I'm not really in the mood to face the oncoming week.

Only four more days to go ... and I have no where I have to be. I can't wait.

Home ... Is Where Your Story Begins

I am at the stage I could only wish for one short year ago.

The acuteness of "missing Mom" has been gradually replaced by a feeling of remembering not only Mom, but Dad as well, as life moves on in a forward direction.

I heard myself speak of Mom and Mom alone for a very long time after she died. I longed for the day when those thoughts of Mom would be interspersed generously with thoughts of both Mom and Dad.

Dad died 31 years ago. He suffered brain damage from a massive heart attack almost five years before he died. We lost Dad so gradually (even though in retrospect, I now realize we lost "Dad" the moment he had his heart attack) that I never experienced the acuteness of missing him.

When he had his heart attack, my marriage was falling into a state of disrepair. I remember Mom and I talking of my marriage over Dad as we wondered about his prognosis and waited for him to wake up. I shake my head at the thought of that memory. I was 22 years old. I didn't know better. I do now.

When Dad died, it was days after I walked away from my marriage for the third and final time. Our separation was nasty and thoughts of walking forward from there superseded any other thoughts. We had lost the essence of Dad five years prior so part of this is understandable.

The only time I felt the reality of losing Dad was while he was still living and breathing. But not "Dad" any more. It was a surreal way to feel the loss of a parent. I didn't learn what I needed to know about love and loss.

I never felt like I fully honored Dad in the way he deserved to be honored. As the years unfolded, I felt, thought and honored Dad in my own way.

Then came the time when facing Mom's mortality became a reality. Mom was a strong, hearty and healthy soul until a time came when her health started to change. She rebounded each and every time but in the middle of those times, my heart ached with the knowledge that she wasn't going to live forever.

I mourned the loss of Mom before she died. I knew I would want to know I had done all I could do and was who I needed to be when Mom's time came. I may have become hyper aware of this eventual reality as I unconsciously created a life where Mom was my main focus.

My world became smaller so when Mom died and eventually all the loose ends of her life were tied up, I didn't have a life beyond Mom waiting for me. Yes, I had a few jobs, my children, good friends and a good life. But my passion for living was gone.

I spoke of Mom incessantly after she died. I kept her alive and well in my day to day thoughts. I missed her, I missed going to see her, I missed who she was to me. I lost a huge part of my life when she died and it was so much harder than I expected it to be.

It was hard because I really didn't care if I moved out of and beyond that phase. It was a sad day when I missed missing her.

Life moved on and carried me along with it. Bit by bit, I started looking outside my small little bubble and tentatively stepped back into life as I once knew it. I did a little gallivanting and took flight to see friends and do new things. I knew I turned a corner when I made plans, followed through on them, found myself in a different province visiting an old friend and I was astounded when I heard myself say "I actually looked forward to this trip!"

It was a first step of several. I finally found my wings somewhere up in the sky as I flew off to here, there and another place. I was finding my way back.

Except "back" was still a rather illusive destination. All I knew for sure is that home was where my heart was. I moved forward from there.

Life has gotten a little bigger than it once was. I'm still a little stingy with my time and energy but I'm involved in living my life. This is a good thing.

This house renovation was a gift in so many ways.

Financially, it was a gift from Mom and Dad. Dad, who worked so hard and invested so wisely during his 58 years here on earth, that Mom not only never had to worry about her financial state of affairs BUT she had an excess left over at the end of her days. Dad's work, along with Mom's ability to live on these funds wisely left us with a final gift from both of them.

I found it very hard to spend this money. I did nothing in haste. I pretended these funds didn't exist and didn't change my way of life. Until I went floor shopping with my son...

That was the beginning. As this renovation took on a life of its own, I felt Mom and Dad's presence within me every step of the way. Not one or the other. Both.

I wish I could sit across the table and share my morning coffee with them, but I can't. What I can do, is honor their memory, carry a piece of them within me, be grateful for every gift they gave me and live a good, honorable and full life.

Thanks, Mom and Dad. You have given us the basis for a very good story.

A Day of Rest

After five weeks of renovations, today was a day of rest.

I still have "this" far to go before my work here is done:

Despite my vow of restfulness, I puttered the day away and managed to accomplish a few small things. 

The dust that infiltrated the China cabinet in the kitchen has been dealt with.

We now have a new, white smoke detector to replace the old, yellowed one.

The wall phone has been replaced with a new, fully operational version of the same (our prior phone only worked on "speaker").

I have installed my income tax program so I am ready to tackle income taxes tomorrow.

Bit by bit, day by day, one step at a time, progress will be made.

One floor down; one to go. 

We are in the home stretch now (I keep saying this but that illusive finish line keeps changing).

Welcome! To Our Brand Renewed Home!

Welcome to our home!

The back entrance has been given a fresh new look. I am quite excited about every aspect of this mini makeover. Behold the miracle of a few coats of paint, new black hooks and a few black mats to complete the look (we already had the shoe shelf on hand).

I just don't get tired of our refreshed kitchen cupboards.

No matter which way I look at it, I just love our new kitchen.

One last angle of the kitchen before we move on.

The reverse view of the last picture is our living room ...

... a cozy visiting area which includes a most excellent spot for the cats to keep an eye on the neighborhood happenings. 

The living room awaits a few more accessories but I'm happy with its present look. Less is more, as they say. 

The front entrance awaits a new exterior door but from this angle? Perfection! 

Our hallway is adorned with family photos (some updating required). I bought a new, white smoke detector to replace the old, yellowed one. Note the white doorbell atop the photos on the left. A little bit of spray paint updated the look for minimal cost!

Our spare room comes with a little added cat hair...

... Jet found his way under the comforter and atop the sheets shortly after I made this bed.

The master suite looks pretty inviting ... almost makes me want to move right in!

  

The grand finale - what was formerly known as "Mom's room" is now called a den. Future plans include a bookshelf in the old closet. A bookshelf is really all I wanted when I set out on this mission. Now it is (almost) the only thing left on my wish list.

Ahhh ... home! There is truly no place like it!! 

The End is Near

The end of our Renovation Project is nigh. The living room is awaiting several final touches and I haven't had a chance to do any of the "fun" shopping to accessorize all that has been updated. But the hard work is behind us. Well, it would be behind us if I didn't have a perfectionist in my midst.

My son is not happy with the flooring in one of the rooms. One thing went awry as he completed the room and it had a domino effect which was not visible to the naked eye. But my son saw it. He is in demo mode at the moment.

If you are going to do something, do it right.

I can hear Mom in my son's words. I can feel Dad in his actions. I have no idea what I may have done to deserve it, but I have raised a human being who not only encapsulates parts of Mom and Dad I will never forget, but he professes his feelings towards others in his actions.

Our family is not prone to professing our love in words, hugs and all the ways "love" is portrayed in the world around us.

There is a quiet respect among us. We listen. We care. We support and encourage. These are traits I grew up with. They are an integral part of the relationship I have with my siblings. To see this trickle down and "infect" my own little family of three? It is a gift beyond words.

This project had the potential to drive a wedge into all that is good between us. Had any one of us felt taken advantage of, unappreciated and unsupported this would have fell to pieces long before the project's completion.

I was fearful I had laid too much on my son's shoulders. I vocalized my concerns, offered him exit or assistance strategies but he reassured me this was a mutually beneficial arrangement.

The yin and the yang of it all. What was lent has been repaid with interest. What was once a loan became an investment. An investment which accrued benefits which far exceeded my wildest dreams.

Tomorrow is The Big Reveal. My globetrotting son returns from Hawaii tomorrow afternoon and has requested a pick-up at the airport. We will have a Family Supper.

We will listen. We will care. We will support and encourage. My children are an investment which have accrued benefits which have far exceeded my wildest dreams. I am grateful.