This 'Motivation Thing' ... is Exhausting!

Okay, okay. I know it has been a while since I've actually felt excited about cleaning and organizing. But honestly! This could wear a girl out!!

Yesterday, I started trying to 'clean' the sand in our 10.5 X 15 ft sandbox. There is a lot of sand in there. A lot!!

Our neighbor's fir tree has been shedding pine needles and pine cones into our sandbox without human intervention for three years (while I took my hiatus from babysitting). It has been busy. So ... I have taken one of those sandbox 'sifting toys' and a toy shovel and I have been sifting sand when I haven't been digging up dandelions.

I was attempting to show the kids how much more comfortable it is to play in the shade. So I 'played' in the shade (sifting sand) to set a good example.

In fact, I 'played' in the sandbox for a few extra hours after the kids left last night. It was intoxicating to see myself make some progress in this never-ending job. I actually felt excited about cleaning sand!

I haven't gotten this dirty and sweaty on such a regular basis in a very, very long time. I guess this was long overdue. But it is just a tad wearing on a person. Especially when you can't sleep at night. Perhaps breathing in excessive dirt and sand is not the best thing to do when you are fighting a cough??

The other downfall about cleaning is that it makes for boring writing. I'll try to clean a little less today and reflect a little more. Maybe it will bring some depth into tomorrow morning's post.

The Cat's Got My Tongue Today ...

I can't think too hard this morning. I tried. It isn't working.

What do I do when I have moments like this? I lose myself watching our cats ...

You never know what you may capture when you videotape animals and children. This was simply a moment when I noticed 'Ray' (our New Cat) chasing his tail. It is nothing. But it is everything.

Cats have a way of quietly amusing themselves. Whether it is watching invisible dust particles in the air ... or gazing out the window ... or simply curled up in a tight little ball and making 'sleep' look like a sport ... I simply love to watch our cat(s).

Yesterday morning there was a moment of flying black fur that happened too fast to record. Ray was racing around the living room. Andre (our Old Cat) was doing his best impression of playing. For the most part, he stays in one place while Ray races past him.

Picture this:

• A young, black furball races around the living room
• An older, more laid back version of the same ball of fur lays in wait
• The young one races over the back of the loveseat and takes a flying leap off of it, towards the runway (hall) ahead
• The older one watches the action and then takes a flying leap into the air to try and tag the cat flying overhead
• Then they were off ...

Cat got your tongue? Just sit back and watch nature at play. There is so much to see when you look out your front door (that is, if you don't have your own animal kingdom indoors).

Ready to Roll Again

This weekend was full of absolutely everything I needed. It felt absolutely wonderful to follow my whims and go with the natural flow of the days. And it felt even better to feel motivated once again!

I lost my motivation several years ago. It didn't happen overnight, but the stresses of my (attempted) career change took their toll on me. I had nothing left at the end of a day. Perhaps I was wrong not to power through the change and force myself to place my leftover time towards the house and yard. Everything overwhelmed and exasperated me in those days. So I gave myself permission to do nothing whenever the opportunity arose.

I could hear my old voice talking to other people in another time about how good it feels to accomplish those tedious tasks around the house and yard. "Yes, it is hard to get started. But once you start, momentum carries you through the task-at-hand and beyond!" Nope. Not lately it hasn't. In fact, completing one small task was onerous. It just opened my eyes to everything else that needed to be done. I was overwhelmed at the mere thought of all the work that has been neglected (for far too long) around here.

I have been focusing on the yard lately. It is a very good place to start because it involves being outside, breathing in fresh air, enjoying the beautiful weather and sunny skies. As big as the great outdoors feels, this is the place where I feel I need to start. I need to become one with the world outside of these doors before I can focus inwards.

Six years ago, I healed a broken heart by doing everything that I could possibly do outside. It was the best therapy in the world for me. Simply sitting on the doorstep puts my small worries into perspective. Working outside and accomplishing something tangible releases happy endorphins within me. I know this is what helped to heal me back then.

'Taking back the back yard' this spring and containing the dogs into a confined space has finally given me back what I have been missing. The yard. The ability to putter away at something that won't be messed up, dug up or destroyed by the dogs. My daycare gave me permission to 'take back the yard' and in doing so ... I have found a piece of myself that had been lost. I am starting to care again. And it feels wonderful!

My Son, His Girlfriend and their dogs will be moving out to their farm before the year's end. They have been living here for about the same amount of time that my ambition has waned. My son was a godsend in all that he tended since he moved back home. But now, his energy is being spent on making his own home. This has forced me back to the place that I once was. An independent soul, taking care of herself (for the most part) and not relying on anyone else to 'do the hard stuff'.

Doing the hard stuff is rewarding. Yes, it is tedious, repetitive, frustrating, overwhelming and exasperating at times. But taking ownership for that-which-has-gone-awry and powering through it with all that you have to give is energizing.

I curled up into a little ball and let the world 'happen' all around me these past (too) many years. I'm coming out of my cocoon again. I am flexing my wings. And it feels good.

I'm ready to roll once again!

A Cancelled Day!

I love spur of the moment days! A day without any preconceived idea of where it may go is my most favorite kind of day in the world!

I woke up feeling rotten. I was going to call in sick. I didn't want to spread what I thought that I may have to my boss (who has been under a great deal of stress and I would imagine that she could be very vulnerable to catching a bug) ...

I really, really didn't want to go to work. Feeling rotten was just an excuse. I just wanted to stay home.

Then, miraculously I felt better an hour later. The mere idea of going in to work on a Sunday didn't tip the balance of the day. I could do this thing. I really could.

I gave myself one more hour of indulging my 'Gilmore Girls' addiction. I would call at 9:00 and confirm that today was a 'go'. I was ready to work.

I called and my boss had pneumonia. She sounded pretty awful and she didn't feel up to working today. She asked if I would mind cancelling today and coming next Sunday instead. Mind?!? I was in heaven!

I celebrated by making myself a third cup of coffee. I was still drinking it when a friend dropped by and I could actually invite them in for a visit. I wasn't running out the door! I could stop and visit with someone I hadn't talked to in ages. I love spontaneous decisions such as those.

Eventually my Second Son got up and joined in on the conversation. Our visit lasted much longer than any one of us may have anticipated. And it could! Because the day was footloose and fancy free!

After my company left, I continued to savor my last cup of coffee and chatted with My Son. Eventually he noticed our neighbor cutting down the weeds behind our fence in the alley. This same neighbor had sprayed my weeds earlier in the week but I was busy with the kids and didn't have the chance to talk with him. So I ran out to apologize for the weeds running out of control and to thank him for taking care of our mess back there (and promised to keep it up myself from here on).

We chatted for quite some time and by the time I made it back into the house, My Son and His Girlfriend had made breakfast. All four of us sat together at the kitchen table and savored our meal. We used to do this on a semi-sorta-regular basis. I can't remember the last time we sat down and ate a Sunday brunch together (that wasn't Christmas or because my mom was here). It was ... fantastic. It was ever so much more special because it is simply something we rarely do these days.

Eventually we all went our separate ways and carried on with our Sunday.

I was sufficiently nourished, caffeinated and motivated. I got myself busy and I simply didn't stop. All day. I took care of a few nasty little jobs that I have wanted to do for ages. Today was the perfect day to tackle the impossible. It was a day I wasn't counting on. It was a bonus day. At last, I could get some bonus work done!

Since I was already dusty and dirty, it was a most excellent day to mow the lawn. It feels wonderful to shower at the end of a day that is filled with productivity, a little sweat and grime.

It felt so very, very good to cross a few dirty jobs off of my to-do-list. If I had gone to work as planned today, none of the above would have happened. None of it. Well ... I would have showered. But that shower would have felt like a job. Not like a reward!

I simply could not have planned a better day. I am very grateful for today's last minute cancellation. It brought a sense of spontaneity into the day that will sustain and energize me throughout the week ahead.

Succession to the Throne ~ A Cat Story

It has been interesting to sit back and watch our New Cat find his way and place in our lives and within the perameters our Old Cat has subtly set for his young friend.

Andre (our existing cat) is one cool cat. I have said time and time again that I believe that he was raised by dogs. His social skills and ability to adapt and love with abandon are more dog-like than 'catty' in any way.

When Radius (we have abbreviated our new cat's pre-existing name to 'Ray') came into our home, Andre gave Ray a few warning hisses. They sniffed noses, each was curious about the other and they traded acknowledgements. And that was (just about) that.

The first few days, it seemed that Andre could not rest. He watched over Ray's every move. It reminded me of the way I watch over my daycare family. When everyone was new, I monitered their every move until we all knew each other and everyone knew the rules and guidelines. I could almost hear Andre's cat-body-language mimic my own until Ray settled in a little bit.

Ray comes from a family of twenty cats. He is a social animal. He isn't vying for authority over Andre in any capacity. But Ray comes with a quiet, self-assured way that makes it very clear that he will not be going hungry or bending to authority. He is a cat that simply knows what he wants. And he goes for it.

Andre was always low-cat-on-the-totem pole when we had three cats. He has been thriving in his one-and-only-cat status for at least seven years now. We have grown to love the confidence that he exudes when he is not bending to the authority of another cat. He loves his people and his purr can be heard from across the room when he wants everyone to know how loved they are. He is one extra special guy.

When I saw his confidence wane in the first few days Ray came into our lives, I gave him many a pep-talk. "You are still King Cat around here. You keep Ray in line. You were here first!" I like to think that we understand Andre and he understands us. In the case of Andre's English comprehension not being as capable as I hoped it to be, we tried to communicate our thoughts in nonverbal ways too.

We ensured Andre knew that his special soft cat food meals were his. Ray has no sense of boundaries. When he smelled food, he just went for it. Andre would have gladly stepped aside. But we didn't allow it. Andre gets first dibs!

Andre has a special spot on the couch in My Youngest's room. Andre chose to abandon it for a few days but My Youngest continued to ensure that Andre knew that was his spot. Not Ray's. Ray's spot is on the other side of the couch. One cat to My Youngest's right. Another cat to his left. One hand to pet each cat. It makes me smile when I check up on the cats in the middle of the day (when my son is in school). I have often found each of them in their own special spot on the couch.

Whenever it is appropriate, we continue to remind Andre that his ranking within our family has not changed. Though I believe he questioned it at first, I think that he is learning to believe it.

Cat games between Andre & Ray involve a (pretty tame) game of tag. Andre is always in pursuit. We think that this is Andre's way of reminding Ray who is in charge here.

Then there is wrestling. Again, it is a pretty mild form of cat-wrestling ... but what we are seeing, is that Ray is the submissive one. He lays on his back and Andre is the more dominant of the two. Ray is a bigger, younger and more agile cat by far. He could easily rule the wrestling matches. But he doesn't. I give him a lot of credit for that. He is a pretty cool cat too.

Ray is now giving Andre a little space when Andre is dining on his special soft cat food meal. Not much space. And I hesitate to believe that Ray has the will power to step back from the food without human intervention. But he is quietly adapting to the rules-of-the-house.

Ray is a quiet little rebel. As Andre has wielded his authority, taught him right from wrong in the cat-rules around the house, been the persuer in tag and is the reigning champ in wrestling. But Ray is curious and agile young guy. He sets his sights on that which is above him ...

Yes Andre, you are still King Cat around here. But Ray is watching your every move. He may only be Prince (Charming) right now. But I think he getting used to the idea of being first in line to your throne.

What Would You Do?

What would you do ...

• if you have been walking against the current with someone in your life
• who pops in and out of your days with an irregular sort of regularity
• when you do see them, you know they don't want to be with you
• they upset the flow of your day when they come to you on their own terms
• when they are embarrassed to be seen with you?
• they don't enjoy their time with you no matter what you do
• they have been put in a spot where they have no choice but to come to you
• they have relinquished on their part of a deal with you

What would you do ...

• if that person was six years old?
• but their parents are far older than that, and they are in a bind because they cannot afford daycare costs

There is nothing positive coming out of this relationship. When I look at all of the factors I listed, I feel like I am being taken advantage of. Little or no notice is being given to me in regards to their erratic scheduling. Every day this child is scheduled to come to daycare is a big question mark. Will he come? What time will he come? He appears at whatever time they can manage to get him here. No matter how I attempt to change up the day to make it more interesting for him, he doesn't want to do whatever it is that we are doing. It is more than a little bit exasperating.

Then there is the financial end of our partnership. It isn't working. There are many more details. But it is simply not working.

What would you do ...

• if someone who is not holding up their end of a working relationship comes to you and does not ask for a thing ... but in their silence, they are asking you to give even more than you already have given
• and all they have to give you in return, is a child who brings down the moral every time he walks through your door

I have maintained adult relationships in my life that have encompassed most of the points that I listed above going against them. I don't have those relationships in my life any more.

I have been running my daycare on my own terms this second time around. I value myself and those around me value what I have to offer. The kids are reaping the benefits of a positive environment. Except in this one case ...

I did nothing ...

• I empathized with the parent and offered as many options as possible (not one of them included changing our original daycare arrangement)
• I suggested that perhaps this was for the best since her child does not want to be here
• I offered my sympathies
• but I did nothing.

It feels wrong. Yet it feels right. Relationships have to work two ways. Any relationship. If I felt valued in any capacity, I would want to do more. But I don't.

I did nothing.

Inhale the Day ... Then Dance the Night Away

I am concentrating on 'inhaling the day' today.

I have a dance lesson at the day's end so I have a treasure at the end of today's rainbow. I wish that my passion and excitement for my lesson equalled (even half) of what I used to feel.

The dance studio has been my 'Cheers' for many, many years. A place where 'everybody knows my name. A place where I walk in, forget the life that I lead outside of those doors and co mingle with a group of people who are there for the love of dance.

Oh, how much fun it was! Laughter came easily (it still does). The music played and we learned new steps, techniques and patterns and our bodies moved to the tempo of the music (we still do).

What has changed?

The male to female ratio is one that can never be predicted. There have been times where there are more men than women. Other times there is a partner of the opposite sex for everyone. It is the overwhelming number of times where the females outnumbered the males by far, that resonate within me. I don't mind learning the lead. In fact I appreciate the lessons learned in understanding the challenges that the 'lead' is contending with. But honestly? I would rather follow. It is my nature. I love that the sport of dancing has naturally put me in a position I am comfortable with. Following another person's lead.

Then there is the lack of goal-setting. I can't begin to imagine how frustrating this must be as an instructor. How do you plan a lesson when there is no real end goal in sight? We used to have dance showcases every year. Interest has dwindled and (I believe) they lost money when they held the last showcase. Even if they did put on another showcase, I am not in a financial position to participate...

I competed in one dance competition. There was no shortage of goals there! It was a once-in-a-lifetime experience. I savored every moment of the preparation, the trip, the actual competition and the camaraderie among the group from our studio that attended. But I do not have a competitive nature. My competitions are internal. I am my own harshest judge. I don't need medallions or ratings to know where I stand. There is always room for improvement but my biggest measure of success is in how much fun that I have had.

My private lessons are always fun-filled. My instructor intuitively steers his lessons towards the nature of his students. Some of us are there for the fun-factor. Sometimes there is a dose of 'therapy' that is worked into that half hour lesson. I feel safe, capable of learning, free to make mistakes and laugh along the way.

Dancing has enhanced my self esteem a thousandfold. I have enjoyed so many years within those studio walls. I walk in and check my troubles at the door. It is never a conscious decision. It simply happens. I have become the princess at the ball time and time again. Participating in showcases gives a girl an excuse to primp, accessorize and wear a ball gown. It has been a young girl's fantasy come true. Time and time again.

I hope that this is not the end of dancing for me. I see another dance hiatus around the next corner but I hope that is not the end of an era. I want to find my passion again. I lost it these past few years. I haven't been able to find it on the dance floor. I am finding it elsewhere.

I am (perhaps) spread too thin in some areas of my life. I'm working to regain the balance that spells contentment. It is coming. I feel it. I am breathing in the world and I am feeling revived. My oxygen levels must have been lower than I realized because it is taking longer than I thought it would, to regain my equilibrium again.

I am going to breathe in the day today. So that when I walk into the dance studio tonight, I will not only leave my troubles at the door ... perhaps I will bring in a breath of fresh air with me.

"Great dancers are not great because of their technique; they are great because of their passion." 

~ Martha Graham