I Had a Thought ... but I lost it

I'm not quite sure what my problem is, but I will attribute my mindlessness to month-end tasks and a variety of work-yet-to-do within my home office. I can't seem to hold onto a thought.

I don't seem to think too deeply these days. I hope this passes because I used to enjoy my thoughts.

I was walking through my morning and had a nice thread of thoughts going on. I thought "I should write about that". But somewhere between that thought and my computer screen, it got lost in the shuffle of the morning.

I was washing my sheets, vacuumed my room and accomplished a small bit of work beyond my home office. And poof! It was gone. 

I hope my mindlessness is a sign I'm living in the present. In the mean time I'm feeling just a little bit out to lunch.

I Can Do Hard Things

I looked at the ingredients within our refrigerator just begging to be assembled. 

And I did it!

Spaghetti & meat sauce; salad; ground turkey fried up and ready to be frozen (so the next "assembly" of ingredients will be simple); and a sandwich for my packed lunch.

Whew! 

Kitchen duty - done

Cat litter chores - complete

A load of laundry in the wash

Garbage is out

I'm ready for the day now.

It took two hours to tend to all my tasks,

but now I get to do the easy things.

I just have to go to work.

 

I Think I Need a Holiday

I wandered down our hallway to find our two furry felines doing what they do best:

I am so envious.

I'm ready for not only a "cat day", but a "cat week".

Thank goodness a long weekend is right around the corner.

It'll do.

Back to Reality

I did it. I went out. I survived. But it wasn't easy.

The "bar scene" is not my favorite any day of the week. Twelve days past the removal of COVID restrictions was simply the icing on the cake.

I find it reassuring in the stores to see most of the staff still wearing their masks. The plexiglass between the cashier and customer remains. Most people in the line up remain two metres apart. Even without the stickers and arrows directing traffic in the store aisle, the stores I have frequented remain somewhat "distanced". 

In the bar? No such thing. 

None of the staff wore masks. Tables are close together. No plexiglass in sight. To hear someone talk, you had to be two inches apart. Two metres? Not a chance.

People, people, people. Hugging people. Shoulder to shoulder people. So many people. 

But you know? You get used to it. Will I feel more comfortable after two weeks pass and I don't hear this bar was a COVID hot spot? You bet. But once I was in it, I surrendered to whatever fate may have in store.

I'm fully vaccinated. The people I went out with were vaccinated. One can only assume the majority of the people in the bar were vaccinated. The risk of infection is minimal. I know this.

All of this on my mind and there was ONE thing that superseded all of my worries:

People ARE still coloring their hair!! I went out in public with nine months worth of roots on full display. I felt like my "silver" hair caught what little light there was and reflected it in all its glory.

My circle has been so small since COVID. I really thought the world would take this chance to let their true colors show. 

I was wrong. Reality is not all it's cracked up to be. 

A Small Goal

If I had only one goal to fulfill, it would be this: "I never want to wake up feeling dread for the day ahead of me".

Sounds easy. 

We all have these days. A day of dread. Dreading work. Dreading a day of too much, too little, too stressful, too hard. Challenging relationships. Financial woes. Hard decisions. Lacking motivation. Depression. Anxiety. Ill health. Concern over loved ones.

The feeling of not wanting to face up to the day is not my worry alone. 

My anxiety this morning is not a big, onerous, worrisome concern. It is a social outing. I must go out with people. I must meet up with people on unfamiliar territory. I must walk into a situation I am completely uncomfortable with. 

This is the first post-COVID invitation I have accepted. I have some angst over being in a crowded area without social distancing and masks involved. There will be people talking loudly. I visualize the mist of saliva wafting through the air.

There will be laughter and joy. Comedy and music. Enjoying the talent family members have honed, with my family. 

The sad thing is, I cannot wait to wake up tomorrow morning and have this all behind me. 

I should have declined the invitation. Maybe I can still wiggle out of it. 

I have been here before. Doing hard things for me, means accepting invitations. 99.9% of the time, I am grateful to have walked through the hard and got to the other side AND enjoyed myself in the process. I am 90% certain I will wake up tomorrow morning with a happiness hangover. 

But today? I just want to live the life of a cat. Not a care in the world other than finding the most comfortable spot to savor the day. I highly doubt our furry felines wake up dreading the day ahead of them. Then again, who knows? 

Same Same Same

I love routine. Ruts. Same old, same old. I like to know what to expect on a day-to-day basis.

I thought of this as I made my breakfast smoothie - a routine I adopted over twenty years ago, from a smoothie recipe my middle child brought home when he was in Grade 8. Every morning, it is the same thing. I've adapted the recipe a little over the years but I almost always start my day with a breakfast smoothie.

Then I made a sandwich for the supper meal I pack up with me daily. I will eat the same sandwich until I run out of that particular ingredient. "Don't you ever get tired of sandwiches?" I am asked. Heavens no! Anything I don't have to think about when I assemble the ingredients is fine by me. As long as I like the ingredients. Repetition = easy.

I now have the luxury of having lunch at home. This offers all the variety I need. Once again, my choices are of the same old, same old variety. What I choose to eat is dictated by what may be nearing its expiry date in the fridge or what is quickest and easiest to prepare. Prior to working from home, I packed up two granola bars to eat as I worked. A granola bar without chocolate = a meal. Good enough! And I would run out the door with my repetitive meals on board.

I am pretty easy to please when it comes to eating. It is when I am trying to please others when I stress out a little. Most people enjoy variety. I would prefer it if people thought, "Oh, I'm going to Colleen's. It will be spaghetti & meat sauce. Again." I wouldn't mind being associated with one meal and one meal only. But since variety is the spice of life, I have about five supper meals I rotate when absolutely necessary. 

Clothes. Same thing.

I would love to go to a closet that had as few choices as necessary. Long sleeved, short sleeved or no sleeved tops. Perhaps two or three color choices. Jeans, capris or comfy pants. Black or denim is the only option required. Shoes? Comfort is all that matters. Comfort and preferably no holes in the soles.

My favorite option when it comes to online grocery orders is the "easy reorder". Yes!!! All my favorites in one spot. Click, click, click some more. The only decision required is "how many?". Same thing with Amazon. The "buy again" tab has my name all over it.

Extra curricular activities? Aaack. Not my favorite. Surprise me. Show up on my doorstep. Call me and ask "Do you want to do something right now (or within a few hours)?" My favorite part of having a part time home in the town where my sister lives, is finding her on my doorstep or driving up the driveway and popping in. I love it! Love it!! Love it!!! 

I can be lost in my small little world of same-ness with a little variety tossed in to spice things up a bit. But I thrive on routine. 

It is said that variety is the spice of life. I tend to believe "life" is spicy enough. The best way for me to handle the curve balls life tends to throw into a day/week/month/year is to maintain as much same-ness as possible. The fewer decisions I must make on a regular basis, the better equipped I am, to handle whatever comes my way.

It works for me. What works for you?

A morning smoothie with a cup of coffee on the side is the best part of waking up!

Valuing What We Already Have

This morning, I had a fleeting memory of a friend from long ago. She was a single mom. She wanted the best for her child. We worked together in a financial institution. She was fired when it was discovered she forged a withdrawal from an inactive bank account. We never spoke of this indiscretion but remained friends afterward.

The last time I visited with her, she was married and living "the good life" in a beautiful new house with no financial worries. It would appear she had it all. Except I walked away from our visit sensing something amiss. Her eyes weren't happy. There was something missing that money couldn't buy.

I'll never know what became of her. We lost touch and went on to live our own lives.

I have no idea why that memory surfaced this morning. The feeling I had when I walked away from that visit where everything looked perfect on the outside. I remember thinking "money can't buy happiness" and the look in those eyes are a reminder to this day.

If I have one trait I am willing to commend myself on, I would say it is the lack of envy. I don't want what others have. I don't look at material wealth, belongings, relationships, careers, vacations, physical attributes and feel jealous. I appreciate what others have but know if I want things differently for myself, I must do the work to get there.

Living a comfortable life, where I have the ability to pay the bills to keep a roof over our head, food and fuel to sustain us and an income that provides for day-to-day living is a blessing. 

It goes without saying that harmony within that very home, healthy relationships and physical/mental health and mobility top my list gratitude list.

But I am my mother's daughter. Once those creature comforts are met and sustained, my home and how I feel in it and about it tops my priority list, as far as material desires and wishes. 

Our home renovations a few years ago were a time of great joy. Spiffing up what we had with new flooring, doors, light fixtures, window coverings and new paint felt like more of a revival than a renovation. We carried that maintenance outside and our home felt loved again.

I didn't buy new furniture, pictures or accessories of any kind (well, I did buy a new soap dispenser, a red hand towel and oven mitts for the kitchen). I didn't need to go hog wild. I just wanted to maintain what we had and everything else was good enough. At least until the cats die. Then it is my mission to buy new living room furniture.

I feel very much the same way when it comes to this new little home-away-from-home I've adopted. I gaze across the street and see lovely newer homes with well maintained yards. I don't want what they have. I want what we already own to reflect a certain pride of ownership. Just spiff things up, clean and maintain what we have then just dream of future plans that reflect what we hope for. 

I don't envy those who have what I don't have. But I can't wait to wander aimlessly through the streets to see what others have done with their yards and see what ideas we can borrow from others. 

But there is something I must confess. I do have a pretty strong case of "laundry room envy". I look at other people's clean, functional laundry rooms with cool features like flooring, actual finished ceilings and a clean organized space to hang and fold laundry ... and I am envious.

I know I have nothing to complain about. Our laundry room has come a long way. The washer and dryer actually sit beside each other now (instead of across the room). We have a wall of shelving to die for. There is room within the laundry room to house our furnace, water heater, a spare fridge and all of our cat's needs. All it really needs is flooring, a ceiling and a clean folding space to complete my wish list.

But my home-away-from-home? I am grateful it came with a functioning washer and dryer. We would be lost without that. But beyond that? It's got a long way to go.

As Mike Holmes would say, we must start with the foundation. It's pretty scary in that basement. Creepy may be an apt description. With that new foundation will come the potential for the laundry room I've always wished for. Maybe. I'll still settle for a fully functional washer and dryer. For without those, a beautiful laundry room has no function.

Seeing the value in what we already have is key to feeling "rich". I have everything money can't buy. And I am grateful.