First World Problem

I feel like I've been using this space as a whining board. Yes, I've shown up and written regularly for one month. Yes, I've accomplished what I set out to do. But when I reread my recent posts I don't find anything terribly inspiring, amusing or of any real value. They are words forcefully transferred from my brain to my fingertips in an effort to rekindle the connection that was once there.

I know how fortunate I am. 

I wake up every morning and I'm able to get out of bed without pain, anxiety or fear of what the day holds in store. I am in good health. I am sheltered, warm, have clean water, appliances that cook our food and keep it cold; appliances that wash and dry our clothes and dishes. We have ample food plus the ability to replenish our supplies. I live in a safe community and country. I have a car to make it simple to get where I want to go. I have a steady income stream and work for people who value me. I have strong and solid relationships within my safe little community. I am blessed. I am grateful. I am content within my predictable little world. Thank you.

But can I end the month with one final rant? 

Am I the only person who has to vacuum the bathtub before they have a bath? Honestly! The cat hair is everywhere!!

Trust me. The picture does not fully portray the amount of hair in the tub.

I think it's time to fix the dripping faucet ... 

The Bonus Hour

The bonus hour I gained by getting up an hour early yesterday had a ripple effect throughout the day. Perhaps other factors helped enhance my productivity but I believe the hour tacked onto the beginning of the day had the greatest impact.

I'm "this close" to meeting my March 31st deadlines. Personal income taxes and GST are due April 30th. Corporate taxes are due June 30th. Then GST is due again July 31st. I'm going to start telling people I work for Revenue Canada - literally and figuratively. They are the boss of me. It seems I'm always scrambling to meet one of their deadlines and as a reward, I have a nice little sum I owe them when I file my own taxes. I work for them, yet I pay them. Something is terribly wrong here.

All whining aside, it feels good to conquer those hard things. In retrospect, the hardest part of the job is the procrastination, strategizing and figuring out my first move. Once started, the finish line is so much easier to see.

As soon as the dust clears from meeting the next set of deadlines, I should tame the beast that is my office. Piles of paper are everywhere. Unfinished tasks galore. 

It is my hope that as the weight of my bookkeeping world lifts, it will make room for me to add a dose of "living" to my life. Leaving the house. Outside contact with the world. Extending invitations. Even scarier - accepting invitations. The hard things don't end in my office. They are everywhere.

One forward step at a time. One forward step.

Up Before the Sun

I used to pride myself on being an early riser. I've slipped. 6:30 feels like a much saner time to get up and it works in all ways except ... the loss of those early morning hours I love so much.

The hours when it feels like no one else in the world is awake. Any time after 7 am feels like it is fair game for the world to intrude. The moment that feeling arises, something inside of me changes and I slip into a different mindset.

The sun is rising earlier these days and it feels good to be awake before the daylight starts to creep into the day.

I'm sitting in the dark, with a hot cup of coffee and I just kicked the cat out of the room. I. am. alone. (and it feels so good)

It is unfortunate the biggest incentive to get up earlier this morning is (are) a looming deadline(s) in my bookkeeping world. I feel like Mr. Incredible at the beginning of the movie "The Incredibles", as he decides to intercept a car chase, rescue a cat from a tree and nab a purse snatcher on the way to his wedding, while looking at the time and uttering, "I still have time..."

Time is running out and the sun is going to wake up soon. I'm running out of time.

Study on Aging

I have been involved with an aging study for a very long time. I know I was young and naïve during my first interview because I remember one (slightly paraphrased) question: "Do you have people in your life who would be available, if needed, who would live with you/live with them if the need arose?"  Life was simple in those days. I thought about the question and without serious thought of what the implications to that question meant, I replied "yes". 

[Insert head slap here]

Dad lived in a long term care home the last years of his life so I did know what worst case scenarios could arise. I had little understanding of the varying degrees of dependence between Dad's need for full time care and Mom's fiercely independent life. When answering that question, I hope I added a good dose of Mom's independent nature added that I would not put someone in that position. Perhaps I did, because as soon as I typed those words, I tend to think there was a follow-up to my answer which asked if I would have the means to pay for any support I may need. I would love to read a transcript of that first interview and see how starry eyed I was in my younger years.

As I tiptoe into this age and stage of life, the learning curve of aging and its affects on our population is gaining momentum. Every story is shaded with different hues of circumstances that no one expected, wanted or were fully prepared for all implications that evolve from a serious health issue. 

My interview with this aging study was a few days ago. My inability to remember many of the long list of words they dictate was minimal, which declined to "three" after the interview progressed. Losing my thoughts on the daily, like that elusive wafting cat hair continues to be a concern. Inserting the wrong words into a conversation. Am I literally losing my mind?

Serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; wisdom to know the difference. Let us add "resilience" to that ... the ability to do what is within our own power. I can exercise this brain, take it for walks, stimulate it by doing more than I have been doing. 

Just what I need. Another goal ... 

I Should Have Picked a Shorter Month

My goal to write once a day has been harder to accomplish than I thought it would be. Most of all, because I don't find I have anything of substance to write about. I used to have the ability to live a relatively full life, filter out the nuggets of an experience and find a moral in most of my stories. A beginning, a middle and a final paragraph with meaning. 

Hmphf.

Has that ship sailed? Or has it not even left the port? I scribble down thoughts when I think of them because most of my thoughts these days are fleeting. I have trouble holding onto the little storylines that run through my mind on the daily. It's a little like catching a wafting tuft of cat hair that is caught up in an air draft and appears like it may float along endlessly. This explains why I need to vacuum the moment I think I'm done. But the state of my brain? A little worrisome.

My well worn reminder to write is littered with coffee stains, figures and notations of various snippets of my mind as I have stumbled through the month.

I am trying. I hope to improve with age ...

Cat Co-star Enriches Life

Yesterday was a write off. Completely, totally and without a doubt. Do I feel better for having a "cat day"? It did motivate me to do more today than yesterday so that is something. Not much. But I'll settle for better.

I watched the movie "A Man Called Otto" and was pleased a cat co-starred along with Tom Hanks. The cat didn't play a pivotal role but it did soften the edges of Tom Hank's character who was described as "a grump who no longer saw the purpose in life" (after his wife died).

I am afraid the same description could be used to describe me lately, so ending a cat-day with a movie that starred a cat who enriched a grump's life was a pleasant diversion. 

All the cat hair serves a purpose after all.

I Should Stay Home and Work

The goal: I should stay home and work

The reality (in pictures ... there are no words):

Happy Saturday to you.