Keeping the Good Habits

I have let a lot of things slide over the course of time. Life is ever-evolving and as we go with the flow of things, one must decide what is worth keeping and what is weighing you down.

I am sorry to say that housecleaning and cooking have slipped a long way down on my priority list. I developed some good habits that I wish that I would have hung onto when life got busy.

Menu-planning seemed like it took a tremendous amount of energy and it was more fun to just go with the flow of things, as my responsibilities at home lessened. But it has now gotten to the point where I have simply lost all desire to cook. Having a plan worked far better for me - cooking the meal was a snap, when I didn't have to come up with a menu.

Friday-chores became something that I squeezed into my daycare days, so that when the last child left on Friday the house was clean and not one hour of the weekend was wasted on housework. I have continued part of that habit. I don't clean on weekends. But the house doesn't get a good cleaning throughout the week either.

I used to spend hours upon hours working out my budget and calculating how I would cover the bills and pay down the mortgage and create a holiday fund and upcoming expenses. But it seemed that no matter how much I planned, the finances always managed to work out in the end. I now have a very loose budgeting system. I get paid. I pay the bills. I spend what I need to spend. And I figure out how to make it all work out in the end. I am creating the illusion of not falling behind ... but I am certainly not getting ahead either.

My evenings and weekends used to have a lot of excess time. My friends were very busy and it took a lot of energy to plan to get together. It was always special and memorable when we did plan a date to gather, but it didn't happen with great regularity. I never used to know my extended family as much as I do now. I would never have dreamt of dropping in on my aunt & uncle, nor calling a cousin on a whim. My sisters & I used to have a semi-annual-ish Sister Sleepover. Again, it was rare and took great planning. I filled a lot of that time writing letters and emails to bridge the gaps between visits.

Life has changed ...

Menu-planning has become a nightly query of "what do you want for supper?", and I throw whatever is quick and easy together and call it a meal.

The house is tidy but not clean. I have always said that. I am now saying it just a little bit louder.

My financial plan is "work". I work to pay the bills. I take on whatever job comes my way because it helps to cover off the shortfall. My retirement plan is to continue to work. I am just figuring things out as I go along.

What has filled in the void where I used to spend so much of my energy planning and cleaning and budgeting? A 'life' ...

I have become a person that calls someone on a whim and just goes with the flow of whatever that call may bring. I am also on the receiving end of many of those same calls. My after-hours life has become full and fulfilling.

Long distance phone bundles make it very easy to 'reach out and touch someone' whenever the spirit moves. I miss my weekly letters from Mom, but I can count on at least one phone visit. Maybe more.

Seeing someone in person or being able to talk with them on the phone is a gift ... but I do miss the gift of words. That card, letter or email that used to fill the gaps in between the in-person visits. I used to write so much more than I do now. Writing is one habit I do not want to give up.

Every morning, I do my best to squeeze in time to write in this spot. The words are not eloquent or well thought out or (lately) even proof-read before I hit the 'Publish' button and scurry on with my day. I read the other blogs and the way their words hit the page make me marvel at the skill that they have honed. I miss the time that I used to spend writing ...

My dream holiday would be to park myself in a quiet little house, close to my home town (as a child). I would unplug myself from the Internet and cell phone. I would take myself back to a world where my words filled up inside of me to the point where I simply had to write. I would finish the book I started working on. I would read. I would sit still and be quiet. I would have a supply of stationary and stamps and write cards and letters whenever the spirit moved me. I would write ...

The constant buzz of technology is deafening. I can't hear myself think as well as I once did. My words are getting lost before they are written down. I long for the quiet place that once felt 'lonely'. I wasn't lonely. I was alone with my own thoughts. And they kept me company as I figured out life's puzzles. It was a time of growth.

I need to continue to grow.

Right now, I do not have the luxury of that dream. But I can still write. I do not want to lose the habit of writing. So I write. It may not be deep or well thought out or humorous or anything else that I wish it was. But it is me. I am still purging my subconscious thoughts onto the page so that my brain to fingertip connection remains strong.

If ever my brain stops functioning as I now know it, could someone please put a computer keyboard in front of me? The brain-to-fingertip connection may still work. Because I have maintained one good habit in my life. Writing.

Recharging

We seem to be amassing (perhaps) a few too many cordless gadgets around here that run off battery power. You don't realize it at first. Until everything seems to need to be charged up at the same time.

I have had my netbook (mini laptop) computer up and running alot lately. With so many new demands on the main computer, I like to keep my personal online connection available to me. I don't seem to have the time to utilize that availability, but it is my security blanket. I like to know it is there if I want it. I have the ability to unplug it from the wall and take it wherever I happen to be.

My son donated a no-name kind of 'tablet' to me. I had been pondering the idea of getting an iPod or iPad, but I didn't want to spend the money, nor did I want to enable my Internet addiction any further. So this slow-moving android tablet has been fun for me to try out. I do think that one could become quickly addicted to being able to take this light, skinny little thing (with no wires!) anywhere they wanted to go.

Then there is the battery for the camera, the cordless phone, my cell phone and portable DVD players. You name it, it can be charged and wireless. Battery levels just have to be monitored, so that all of the power is available when you want to use it.

Yesterday seemed to be the day when everything ran out of power. The camera's battery no longer holds a charge, so it must be charged daily,  I was charging the tablet last night, when I noticed that my cell phone was almost dead, so I charged it overnight. I forgot to charge the cordless phone last night, so it could be on its last legs today. I am presently charging the netbook so that I know it is raring to go whenever I am.

I am feeling a little bit exhausted this morning, after a restless night (a late night delivering flyers and then I could not warm up when I went to bed, so I shivered until the early morning hours). I feel like my battery is running low.

I am fortunate. I know that good night's sleep will recharge me and I will up with the birds tomorrow morning and be raring to go. In fact, because last night's restless sleep is rare for me ... I have not only some 'reserves' within me, but I also know that I will be able to sleep soundly and fully recharge my batteries tonight.

Many, many people that I know do not have this same luxury. I am blessed and I am grateful. For my Ever-Ready rechargeable battery within ...

What Life UNteaches You

"A toddler will naturally pick up something correctly." I was told this the other day and ever since, I have observed the toddlers in my care. They have more than heavy lifting figured out right.

I take care of a one-and-a-half year old that is the definition of perpetual motion. She sits still for no more than one second at a time.

She has learned to climb onto the couch. The couch is half of her height. She has to lift her leg up to the height of her belly button, hoist her leg onto the couch, then pull herself up with her arms and upper body muscles. She will climb up onto the couch. Sit for one second. Then crawl across the couch. Then sit another millisecond. Then she will get off the couch. There is no limit to the amount of times that she will do this throughout the day.

If I had to work that hard to sit on the couch, I would undoubtedly take a well deserved rest after I achieved my goal (that is, if I didn't decide it was easier just to sit on the floor). If I moved one-eighth as much as this little dynamo moves in a day, I would be more fit than I have been most of my life!

She does nothing half way. If she wants to play with some toys, she empties the shelf. I have named hurricanes after her. Oh, to be so ambitious! To me, an empty shelf equals a floor full of stuff to be cleaned up and put away. To her, it means she has an empty shelf to play in.

If she is full, she simply stops eating. That's it. The end. If you give her more food she smushes it, ignores it or it ends up on the floor. Full is full. It looks so simple when she does it. Why do we grow up to feel we must eat that which is set before us or if we really like something, we eat too much?

She makes her own fun and is a trail blazer. Take her outside and her snow pants help her slide down the snow hills. She lands flat on her back and to get up, she must roll over on her side, brace her hands and feet and she propels herself upwards (butt first). It is a full body work out. When she gets tired, she just lays there. And waits. She doesn't cry. She doesn't complain. She knows she will be rescued. She has complete and utter faith in the world and those who care for her.

She has learned how wonderful it feels to be hugged. When the mood strikes her, she will just turn to the person she would like to hug her ... and asks for a hug. She leans in and savors the hug. She doesn't necessarily hug back, but you don't realize it. You feel loved because she asks for your affection.

She is excited to arrive in the mornings and can't wait to get her boots off so that she can get the day started. She is happy to see us and she cheerfully says good bye to her parents ... and when they arrive at the end of the day, she is just as happy to leave us and greets her parents with loving enthusiasm.

She utilizes every moment of her day. If she needs or wants something, she lets you know what you could do to make her happier ("Up??"). I have told her often, "Just relax ... you have your entire life ahead of you ... just relax and enjoy the moment", because sometimes it is as if she just wants to have it 'all' and she has no idea where to begin.

She doesn't waste a moment of her waking hours.

If you want to do something right, watch what a toddler does. They have got it right.

Oh, My Aging Body!

Yesterday started with my curiosity getting the best of me. I stepped on the scale and weighed myself for the first time since last fall.

Lately, I have been noticing that I much prefer my coats to have a zipper that also zips up from the bottom. At first I thought it was simply because it was more comfortable to drive and move around. Later, I realized that my derriere must be widening. Because my long coat was tight when I zipped it up. Ewww!!!

I have gained several pounds since I last stepped on the scale. At first glance, it looked like maybe three pounds. Then again, it was more likely five, because the last time I remember what my weight was, I was weighed at the end of the day. I stepped on the scale in the morning. This usually shaves off a few pounds.

So I did the math. My coats are getting tight in the 'rear'. I have moved up several jeans sizes. I have probably gained five more pounds than my last noted weight gain.

You can imagine how pleased I was when I went to go out last night and I noticed that I felt like I had 'worked out' in the aforementioned body part area. Cool! I wondered what I did to work those gluteus maximus muscles.

I didn't think on it too hard and went on my way.

It was when I was getting ready for bed, that I remembered the tumble that I had taken while I was delivering flyers in the dark yesterday morning. I got caught up in some ice ruts and went down. Hard. I landed on my back (end) and was stuck on the ground, loaded down with the full load of papers that I was carrying (I have an over-the-shoulder bag, and half of the papers are in front; half are in back). After struggling with the thought of "how do I get myself up??" for a millisecond, I mimicked the actions of the one-and-a-half-year-old I babysit, that continually falls when she is outside. I rolled over on my side then braced my feet & hands, then walked my hands back towards my feet until I could stand, like some fancy yoga move.

I was pleased that I didn't take any more tumbles on the ice. I am feeling a tiny bit brittle these days and I am not sure how many times I can go down before I break. But I basically filed the memory away and carried on with the day.

Just before I hopped into the shower last night, I noticed a huge bruise from my fall earlier in the day. I was so disappointed to realize that the stiffness that I felt earlier was not from working any extra muscles. It was a pretty impressive bruise (not to be compared with some tobogganing and first-time-skiing bruises that were particularly memorable).

Then I went to bed. I fell into a rather restless sleep. Perhaps it had something to do with the large cup of coffee that I had after supper. The caffeine didn't prevent me from falling asleep but I believe that it was partially responsible for my brain not shutting down and letting my body fall into that deep paralysis when one dreams. Because I hurt. All night.

This morning, I woke up with the visual image of myself as of one of those paper dolls one can make with paper fasteners, where all of the joints are movable (a little bit like this: http://fc04.deviantart.net/fs71/i/2012/069/b/1/ella_ooak_articulated_paper_doll_by_purplefae-d4rsjrj.jpg (minus the youthful and fit body image) ... and I thought to myself "It is like all of my 'paper fasteners' are rusted ..."

As I carried on with my morning routines, I couldn't help but think of the additional poundage that I have been gradually amassing these past years. What if I was thin and brittle and took a tumble like I did yesterday? Maybe I would just snap and break. Yep. Everything happens for a reason. I had a nice 'cushion' to fall on yesterday morning. An impressive bruise trumps a broken hip any day. I'll take the bruise.

Now, about all of those 'rusty joints' ... I think I need to lubricate them. I've been running low on potato chips lately. That must be the problem.

Treat People as They Can Be ...

“Treat a man as he is and he will remain as he is; treat a man as he can be and he will become as he can and should be.”

~ Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

My mom doesn't understand this new generation of parents. The parents of her generation just raised their children by instinct and good common sense. No big deal. When she was a child, it was a generation of "children were seen but not heard" (or as her sister clarified, they "were heard of, but not seen").

I must have been enduring a phase with one of my children where I dared not take them out in public for fear of their behaviour, when I asked Mom how she managed this kind of situation. She said that it was not even a question - when they took us out, we were expected to behave well. And we did. She did not mention our ages when this easy revelation was explained to me.

I thought about it afterwards. Mom and Dad did not discipline us. They simply expected the best from us. You did not want to be on the receiving end of 'that look' of disapproval. I still feel that way. Not a word was said. You just knew. They knew you were capable of better. That is what they expected us to be. Not perfect ... just our own personal best (which was perhaps a little better than we thought we were).

Whether it was school work or getting along with people. The bar was set high. We were treated as we could be ... and we became as good as we could and should be.

I have an amazing group of supportive people in my life. I so often feel and tell them that they see me as better than I am. I have done and been asked to do some things that I did not feel capable of doing. But because people saw me as I could be ... I became as good as I could and should be.

My children are growing and grown. I would be lying if I said parenting was as easy as Mom's words of advice, where your children were simply as good as you expected them to be. But you know what? After all is said and done ... it appears (that even though there were some hills and valleys throughout the growing-up years) now that they are adults? They have definitely become as they 'could and should be'. I could not be more proud and happy with the adults they have (and are) become (becoming).

I am presently in the business of raising other people's children, for ten hours of the day, five days of the week. I asked myself the question "Am I treating them as the children they can be?..." When a child is labeled as a follower, an instigator, a cutey-pie, quiet or loud or anything in between ... do they live up to that label and how we see them?

I have walked through the day with a renewed perspective. It has been challenged. One and two year olds, who are tired and have colds are not at their best. Neither is the caregiver who strives to monitor their behaviour at all times (sharing, trading, playing together is the focus-of-the-day). But I am doing my best.

I am treating myself as the caregiver that I have the potential to be, in the hopes that I will become as good as I can and should be.

Johann Wolfgang von Goethe was a wise man.

TGIM

I have been busy lately. But it has been good. There has been balance. Things were getting done. I just kept moving and had time to catch my breath and simply breathe along the way.

I don't know if I over thought this weekend. Or if things fell horribly out of balance. Or if it is just all catching up with me now...

But this weekend? Not a favorite.

Thankfully, I moved off of the couch Friday night and worked in a few small errands. But possibly that was my downfall ... because that meant that I (almost) didn't even need to bother to wake up on Sunday.

Saturday was fully 'committed' from the moment I opened my eyes in the morning until I closed them at night. It wasn't all work. But fun becomes work-like when you squeeze it into a day like that.

Sunday? Was a free day. I slept in. I went out for breakfast. I came home and slept. Then woke up and nodded off some more. Then ran out to get a few groceries (which ended up taking far, far, far longer than it should have) and came home (at 8 p.m.!!) to a home-cooked supper that was ready and waiting for me.

I should have been in my glory. But I wasn't. The day was completely and totally out of kilter.

I needed conversation. I needed to be around people. But I was empty. I had nothing in me to give. Mom called and I couldn't keep up my half of the conversation. I went out for breakfast with My Son & His Girlfriend and I had to try too hard. I wasn't myself. I had no words for emails or blogs or anything creative. I forced a few words out of myself but I literally had to rest afterwards.

The month of March is blissfully empty of commitments at the moment. I have a tentative coffee date and movie night and another when-we-can-make-it-work plan to get together with another friend. But nothing is written on my calendar.

It is the weekends that are the wild card. I don't know what they hold. Will I be booked to clean? Or do bookkeeping? Or neither? Or both? I don't know ...

When it comes to work, I like to know. When it comes to leisure, I like to play it by ear and write it down on my calendar after the fact.

I am tired. I am so very tired. And all I can say is ... I am glad it is Monday.

I hope you woke up to a day that you are grateful for today. If you didn't feel anticipation for the day at dawn, I hope you can look back on the day after it is spent and be happy with the way it unfolded.

"It isn't the mountain ahead that wears you out; it's the grain of sand in your shoe."

~ Robert W. Service

P.S. I think I had better check my shoes for that grain of sand ...

"It's Saturday! It's Saturday!", she says with a sigh

"It's Friday! It's Friday!", read an early morning email that I received today. I sighed when I read the words. Friday just isn't the same as it used to be ...

Friday winds up my week of daycare. It usually arrives just in time because by Friday, I am really starting to run out of tricks. By the day's end, I definitely have the words "It's Friday! It's Friday!" running through my head. Okay, okay ... you will find me uttering it out loud as well. Friday does signify the end of the week. On one hand.

On the other hand ... I still have flyers to deliver Friday night. More papers to deliver Saturday. On one foot ... I have a Saturday morning housecleaning job. On the last foot ... I have bookkeeping duties that sound like they will creep into Sunday afternoon. 

Then I will wake up Monday morning to do it all over again. At least my Monday - Friday job is from home. I can fit a fair little bit of my own little life into the cracks of my days...

I wrote these words yesterday morning. Other than a few incoherent 'one' to 'ten' word emails that I sent (that were completely inappropriate or missed the point), my brain was mush. Thank goodness it was Friday. I guess.

It is now 4 a.m. Saturday morning ...

I am awake and afraid to go back to sleep because this just may be the only 'me' time that I have today before I must leave the house at 8:30 this morning.

I had tentative plans to get together last night with a friend. When part of her plans changed, I didn't get back to her to see if she still wanted to get together for coffee. Fail!! Instead? I took advantage of my free after supper hours to get a bad  haircut (how bad can it be? ... a chunk of my bangs are missing. A chunk!!).

I had the presence of mind to send an email to a friend at the exact time of a huge turning point in her life. An occasion that she has been anticipating for years on end. Years. What did my email say? I have no idea. It was inane. Inappropriate. Insufficient. In so many words?? Another fail!

Yesterday, I had two Excel spreadsheets open on the computer. I had a Microsoft Word document up so that I could make a quick revision and print it off. I had Google Chrome minimized on the computer (I can't add photos or videos to my daycare blog unless I do it in Google Chrome). I had Windows Movie Maker minimized as well, so that I could start splicing and dicing some video clips of the day together for my daycare blog. I also had three windows open in Internet Explorer. I had this post sitting unfinished. All day. I just had to complete my thoughts and hit 'Publish'.

And that was just on one computer. I had my netbook computer turned on and sitting on the kitchen table with various open programs also open and waiting for me to pay attention to them.Then there was a parcel to be mailed. A fax that I needed to send. Calls to make. A forgotten to-do-list sitting in my bedroom ... and a stray newspaper made it into the house, begging to be read. Oh yes, and I had two, 1-year-old girls vying for my attention (which they did get, thus everything else simply sat there and multiplied by itself throughout the course of the day).

I had flyers to deliver at the day's end. Hair that was long and shaggy and in need of attention. And all I really wanted to do was to sit down on the couch with a plate full of supper and watch a taped episode of "The Gilmore Girls".

I tended to a few must-do-items last night. But I neglected my friend that had suggested coffee ...

And today? I don't want to 'do' today. It will be fine. It always is. Just getting up and getting on with the day will propel me into action and I will be very pleased that I had something to show for the day. I will. I always do.

I just want to fast forward to the part where I climb back into bed tonight. Because tomorrow? Is free. No papers. No kids. No bookkeeping. No cleaning. No nothing. I will wake up in the morning singing, "It's Sunday! It's Sunday!!" ...

But for now? I am going to crawl back under my covers and revel in an hour more sleep. I can't wait to get back to bed tonight....and I haven't even crawled out of bed yet this morning. Sigh ...

G'night.