Ask Me a Question ... I Will Tell You My Truth

After almost a two week absence from daycare and a cryptic text message from a parent last Thursday (advising me that her child would be 'done daycare' in two weeks with no details other than she would explain on Monday), I found out that this child would be leaving my daycare because the mom has been offered a new job and the family will be moving out of the province.

Now ... color me jaded, but I feel that the twelve words that she could have used to explain the reason this child was leaving daycare verses the ten words that she chose to utilize was a manipulative move. I am no fan of texting and I can fully understand abbreviating a message. But this was not necessary, from where I stand.

Withholding information when you are in a relationship which involves trust and honest interaction between adults sets off alarm bells in my mind.

I have had the feeling that I am not good enough or that I haven't met the standards that this parent expected for the better part of our daycare arrangement. I have tried on many occasions to open up the door and allow this parent to talk with me. Each attempt has been met with a raised eyebrow and indifference, leaving me to feel that I am right in my assumption. And now this?

From the moment that I read the text message that upended my world, I knew within my heart of hearts ... that this was a good thing. This parent needed to place her child within an environment where she felt secure and comfortable with her child care provider. I don't think it means that I am any less than I am, nor that the parent had unfounded concerns. We were simply not a good match. It happens. I do a better job when I feel that people trust me. Believe me, this parent left me feeling inadequate and insufficient in so many ways that I feel that I did half the job that I was capable of doing. I can live without that ...

I have been in relationships where information has been held back. When this happens, a person knows and feels this within the very core of their being. You begin to play a game where you attempt to talk your way through the unknowns in an attempt to explain another person's behaviour.

I suppose I do this on so many levels, in so many ways on a day-to-day basis, that it has become second nature to me. I try to understand what our cats are thinking because they cannot communicate verbally. I work with children all day and I am continually deciphering body language and broken English. When my own children 'go quiet', I try to figure out what could be fueling their feelings. Out of respect for their need for space and privacy, I don't want to push conversations that are not yet ready to unfold.

My last relationship ended (in part) because I chose to pursue the answers to the questions he always avoided answering. He never lied to me. He just didn't tell me what he didn't think I was ready (or needed) to hear. It is dishonesty on a whole new level.

I know that friendships and relationships evolve slowly and on a need-to-know-basis. Perhaps I am too much of an open book. I lay myself on the line when nurturing a relationship that invites a certain level of trust and openness to grow. When I feel someone holding back or withholding information, I become less of who I am. And I don't enjoy that sensation. Not one little bit.

On the other hand, I have some good news to offset the unsettled feeling that crept into my world!

I met a new daycare family yesterday. Nothing is official, but our meeting was positive and I was left with the feeling that 'Yes! I am in this business for all the right reasons'. The mom wants to confer with her husband and she promised to get back to me by this afternoon.

Do you know what makes me feel oh-so-good about the entire interview process?? This mom sent me an email last night to let me know why she didn't call me last night and she had one unanswered question. "I was just wondering if he (my 15 year old son) was ever left unsupervised with the children as I wouldn’t be comfortable with this..." A perfectly honest and legitimate question. If she had felt uncomfortable asking me and simply decided not to bring her child here, I would have never known the reason why. Now I do.

This relationship is off to a good start. Asking the hard questions and being open to provide the answers in an open and honest discussion is the basis on which good, solid business arrangements and relationships begin.

Ask me a question ... I will tell you my truth. Just give me the opportunity to answer before you judge me. Is that too much to ask?

Anxious

There is an undercurrent of anxiety coursing through my thoughts. I want to run for cover, let someone wrap their big, burly arms around me and just hunker down and weather the storm. But I can't. And I won't.

Work and money are weighing heavy on my mind. There is a steady and calm mantra going on within my head. "It will all work out in the end. It always does. Things will be better than they were before this turn of events. They always are...."

These calming words that are coming from a deep sense of knowing ... help. A lot. I am doing fine. Really. But I am just a little impatient as I wait for my story to unfold.

Perhaps that is why little things feel so huge.The big stuff going on within my head has made the little stuff feel bigger than it needs to be. Deworming cats. Car repairs. Extra curricular spending that I placed upon myself. My Sunday employment ...

I ended my daycare week on a bad note. I was not happy with 'our Friday', nor the way it ended. I am unsettled over not knowing why one family has given me notice. I had an 'off' day at work yesterday. Very off ...

I kept to myself this weekend. This could have been far more beneficial if I would have made myself accomplish a few more tasks around the house. I did more than I wanted to do, so I counted that as a small 'win' for me. Now that the weekend is behind me, I can see that I was capable of much more. Productivity is a big moral booster. I know this. I must act on it! I will.

I have been foolish with my money this past long while. I have been spending my money before I make it. I stuck my neck out and went ahead with plans to build a new fence based on future income. Then my present income took a blow that I wasn't expecting. This was a very good lesson for me. Never count on tomorrow, to pay for what you buy today!

An unexpected change-of-events within my daycare has challenged my fortitude for this line of work. Families coming and going is the 'norm' in a daycare. The very fact that I have had eleven months of stability is nothing short of a miracle. Perhaps it has not been a positive thing. Because I haven't pushed myself as far as I am capable of going. I have become lackadaisical and that is never a good thing.

Monday has (in my experience) been a day when I receive more calls for people seeking out new daycare. I received a few encouraging emails yesterday. Just a glimmer of hope. "It will all work out in the end ... it always does".

I sequestered myself to a weekend of 'quiet', when a weekend of 'busy' would have been far more beneficial. Who knew that my busy-month-of-June was exactly what I needed??

Being the 'right kind of busy' is a good thing. It keeps life's little worries in perspective. Idle time and excess thoughts are not good bedfellows! But have no fear ... nothing, absolutely nothing is standing in the way of a good night's sleep for me. My mom was blessed to be able to sleep through a major thunderstorm last week. I am blessed to sleep right through the little *plough wind that is barrelling through my life at the moment.

It is time to get cracking and set this day in motion. It will be a better day than yesterday. I know it will!

* Plough wind is defined as a downburst in the online FreeDictionary ... it seems as a very good way to describe the way my life feels at the moment. Focus on limited area ... for a short time:

(Earth Sciences / Physical Geography) a very high-speed downward movement of turbulent air in a limited area for a short time. Near the ground it spreads out from its centre with high horizontal velocities Also called microburst

Collins English Dictionary – Complete and Unabridged © HarperCollins Publishers 1991, 1994, 1998, 2000, 2003

Breathing in the Day

I woke up to absolutely no agenda today. It was a tad frightening because I have been known to completely waste days like this (or else go out and adopt a new cat). I had no idea how I was going to flow with this day ...

Thankfully little things happened that made the day pass in a thoroughly enjoyable way.

A few friends dropped into my inbox. I called a friend. That friend called me back when I got called away from the phone.

I picked up the car that was waiting for me at the garage. I got a few groceries (actual food items!!) while I was out. I came home and made a salad. And ... I actually assembled a supper meal.

I got the laundry caught up. I vacuumed. I puttered. I extended no more energy than the bare minimum required. But I still accomplished a few small tasks.

I spent the vast majority of the day in the living room. Surrounded in the quietness of the day, my family all tending to their own interests. And the cats ...

There is really nothing quite like enjoying a leisurely cat-like-day ...  with a cat (or two) at your side.

Trust That You are Exactly Where You are Meant to Be

Life has been upended in a sudden, yet to-be-expected way ...

I have a few too many irons in the fire. A car in the shop. A cat with undetermined digestion problems. A new fence on the horizon. Holiday plans. A school reunion. Oh yes. And then there are simply the bills-that-must-be-paid.

Money has been spent and I am committed to 'all of the above'. I can't back out now. And what happens? Yesterday, I received two weeks notice from one of my daycare families.

I am surprised. Yet I have been expecting this. I am upset. Yet I am okay. I am nervous about the precariousness of my financial-state-of-affairs. Yet I trust that it will work itself out.

Life has taught me that when the unexpected happens ... there is a reason.

I am nervous. Yet I slept like a rock. I woke up this morning and remembered where I left off last night. And these are the words that sprung to the tip of my consciousness: "Trust that you are exactly where you are meant to be..."

I trust that all will work out better than they were before yesterday. I have an inner sense of knowing that this had to happen. The present is unknown. But I believe the future will be a gift.

Scattered Thoughts

Blah. That is it. That is how I feel this morning ...

Papers are piling up around me. Little notes of things-that-are-pending in my world. Lists of known and unknown expenses ahead. Another list of pending income sources that have been delayed. Little things that I would like to do. Upcoming holidays. Notes-to-self are fluttering around in my head.

Money. I must sit down and have a talk with myself. I have been overspending. This must stop ...

I must start earning more. Or spending less. Or both. And perhaps win a small lottery. Stop that! A lottery is not the answer. I know that. I must take the reins and control the income and the outgo around here.

My thoughts are as scattered as the notes I have in front of me.

I have been reading words that are inspirational. Yet I have not been able to fully absorb what I am reading and turn the information into action in my own world. In fact, I feel less-than-I-am because I am seeing who-I-should-be and I am not living up to my own potential.

I am disappointed in myself.

Perhaps the busy-ness of the past month is catching up with me. I see one day in my future which is (as of this moment) a completely empty box on the calendar. I want to write the word "ME!" on that date and keep it clear of all commitments.

I am craving a day to call my own. A day of solitude ... a day to nourish my soul.

"I lived in solitude in the country and noticed how the monotony of quiet life stimulates the creative mind." ~ Albert Einstein

"If we fail to nourish our souls, they wither, and without soul, life ceases to have meaning.... The creative process shrivels in the absence of continual dialogue with the soul. And creativity is what makes life worth living." ~ Marion Woodman

Overheated

The words are stuck today (I think it is the heat), so I am going to set my fingers free to let them say what they want to say. Sometimes they surprise me. Today? I'm not so sure.

Oh ... the heat! Where is the outdoor thermostat please? I don't enjoy extreme weather (who does??), but given a choice I would never choose 'hot'.

If you are cold, you can find ways to warm yourself up. But overheating? It is dangerous and it is not easy to cool down once you are overheated. I saw my mom's ankles at the end of a long, hot day of sitting, enduring the weather and travelling. It was scary. She blamed the heat.

I took my daycare family out to the mall for a 'field trip'. We spent two hours out of the house. It took twenty minutes to walk there. Twenty minutes to walk back. The kids got to sit back and ride in the stroller so they weren't adding to their body heat by expending any extra energy. I packed water and kept them hydrated. I slathered on sunscreen. I did everything that I could think to do ... but I was worried about the heat.

Extreme heat brings on extreme consequences. Tornadoes. Thunderstorms ...

A friend's tree was struck by lightening and it came crashing down on her house. My friend lives in the same neighborhood as Mom. I called Mom to see how she fared during the thunderstorm. She didn't hear a thing. She was simply grateful that it had cooled off during the night and she was busy letting all the cool air into her house.

Mom lives five hours away from here. We often get their weather a day later. I must admit that I am liking the idea of cooling off.

Today? I am grateful for air conditioning. We are going to soak up the cool air within and breathe easy. And hope that some cooler air blows this way soon ...

A Creme-Filled Weekend

It was an 'Oreo' kind of weekend. Time for myself at the beginning. Time for myself at the end. With a lot of good creamy filling in between. I need those not-as-memorable wafers to act as a sandwich so that the good stuff doesn't get lost.

Saturday morning was a dream. Time to putter. Time to be quiet. I need more time-like-that. Because I really, really need time to inhale. Time to read. Time to take things in ... before I can exhale fully.

Then came the whirlwind. Cleaning. Baking (argh!!). Organizing. Rearranging. Shopping.

Thankfully my company arrived and put an end to the whirlwind cleaning spree. My world slowed down. We sat still. We visited. We ate. I cooked put together a meal. And it didn't hurt. In fact it was really quite fine. Food seasoned with good company always tastes better.

The next morning we woke up to a day where we were gathering with family to say one last farewell to an aunt. A sister. A wife. A mother. Grandmother. And great grandmother. A friend....

It was also a day that my mom went to visit her sister who is presently bouncing back from a rough stretch. The visit was more than we could have ever hoped for...

My aunt could not stop gazing at My Brother. She sees My Dad in him. That fills my heart. We may lose those we love far too soon. But they live on inside of us. And if we are very, very lucky ... we may find a glimpse of their physical presence within our family.

We spent the afternoon among family. Nestled within the confines of our home town, we found comfort. Simply ... by being together. Few words were necessary, but the words that were spoken ... or sung ... or thought ... were enough.

Then came the long ride 'home'. My mom's home. I was a passenger in the back seat of my brother's car (kudos to my anti-nausea patches - they made the impossible ... possible). Windows were open to cool us down. Conversation was not possible over the sound of the wind within the car. It was a quiet ride home. We all had lots to think about. We were silent among ourselves. But we were not alone. It was a comforting ride.

There was time to sleep, then it was time for me to make the return trip back to my own home (I have given my mom's car a home - all I had to do was pick it up).

Six hours of solitude wrapped up a very busy, thought provoking weekend. And it was good. I was sufficiently caffeinated and I made the trip home fully alert and on my game.

I came home to find My Youngest holding down the fort. He tended to our cat family, our yard and himself in my absence. He is a good guy to have around the house.

As I readied myself for the week ahead, I was happy. I was content. I was 'full'. Weekends such as the one I just lived, have the ability to wear me down. Not this one. All the good stuff was held together within the flavor of those two chocolate wafers of solitude.

It feels good to be home.