Tips and Tricks for Dealing With Life (or Quicksand)

The week has been a hodge podge of emotions as I adjust to the changes within my daycare world (and by extension, my budget). I feel like I have been trudging through quicksand and trying very hard to relax so that I maintain my 'buoyancy' and not sink in any further by panicking. 

Life's little potholes and quicksand are eerily similar. I googled "How to get out of quicksand" and the steps that the article encompass a few life lessons as well. I will rename my interpretation of this advice to "How to pull yourself out of emotional overload":

1. Avoid emotional overload. This can be done by crawling into bed and covering your head with a blanket. Or ... more practically by not diving into territory that has the potential to take over rational thought.
2. Bring a large stick when visiting emotionally charged territory. Literally or figuratively ... it never hurts to bring along a tool to assist you if you get into trouble. Perhaps beating off your emotions with a stick may be a little futile. But hey! You never know until you try it.
3. Drop everything if you find yourself in a situation where intense emotions take over. Hunker down and pool your resources. You don't know if you are in this for the long haul or if it is just a temporary blip. Focus your energy on that which needs attention (or see step one and crawl into bed with that blanket).
4. Relax. Relaxing is always a good answer. Park yourself in front of your favorite mind numbing activity (on the couch, in front of the TV works for me). Then again it may be a good time to step outside and breathe in some fresh air and sunshine. Just avoid quicksand while you are out there.
5. Breathe deeply. Breathing is always a good option. The length and depth of your breaths are good things to focus on when you are feeling your emotions getting the better of you. The quick intake of breath as you sob isn't a preferred coping mechanism. But cry if you must! Get it out. Then ... take ten deep, long breaths.
6. Get on your back. Yes, laying back in front of the TV works well for me. Then again, simply surrendering to the moment is often the way to go. You don't sink too much further once you surrender. Feel it. Live it. Breathe it. Then ever-so-slowly, roll yourself over and crawl for solid ground.
7. Take your time. Emotional breakdowns cannot be rushed. If you don't want to find yourself back in this same predicament time and time again.... take. your. time. And lay down in front of the TV when your emotions start to feel too intense. 
8. Take frequent breaks. Breaks are always a good thing. Eat. Sleep. Be still. Nourish yourself in ways that fill the void within you. Dealing with emotional backlash is exhausting. Rest. You need it to get yourself through this. Do you see why I spend so much time in front of the TV??
9. Use a stick (optional). Sometimes? It is the only way. Use that stick to defend yourself if you must. But better yet, extend it to one-that-you-trust and surrender to the fact that sometimes? Just sometimes ... you need a little help from a friend to pull yourself out of where-you-are-at.

The bonus of memorizing, living and breathing these steps if you find yourself in over your head in any circumstance? Is that you also know what you need to do if you ever get caught in quicksand.

I am Not Alone

I have come across some blog authors that truly strike a chord with me. They write. I feel. They may be dealing with life circumstances that appear to be polar opposite to the hand which I was dealt ... but they write in a way that encompasses the world around them and draws you in.

Despite outward appearances, aren't we all in the same boat? Each and every one of us have been dealt a different 'hand' in life but the way we digest, internalize and cope with life's challenges unite us. Because we are all fighting our own battle.

Everyone has a story. We may feel alone and lonely ... until we listen to someone else's back story. Whenever we have one of those 'knee shaking' conversations (where we are 'real' with each other ... where pretenses are lost and you find yourself thinking "I am not the only one...") it opens the door and casts light upon that which we are aching to heal.

This week, I have been fighting to keep my head above water. It is not a intense struggle. I am simply treading water when I would rather not even be in the pool. I'm not drowning but I'm not comfortable either. It has been taking an extraordinary amount of energy to accomplish the ordinary tasks that each day brings. I feel like I am teetering on an edge that could easily go either way if I let go. So I'm hanging on ...

I don't know if it is a matter of seeing what I need to read, when I need to read it ... or if the world has spun into a different orbit and has disoriented a good portion of the population of the authors that I am reading. But it seems to me, that I am not alone in my struggle. And reading how others are dealing with the same emotions (differing in intensity ... but the underlying cause is so relatable to me) reassures me. I am not alone ...

Our ability to cope with what we are dealt comes in ebbs and flows. When you are at the top of your game and life throws you a curve ball, you take a swing at it with all that you've got and you feel that the only way you can lose is if you don't try. When you are sitting on the bench and called out to play when you would rather be cowering in a corner, you don't feel capable of 'hitting that ball' no matter how it comes at you.

This morning, I read the words "WHAT AM I GOING TO DO???" as a blog author wrote of her reaction to a kink in their summer schedule. Those simple words put me right smack dab inside of her shoes. I've been there. The anxiety, worry and over reaction to some of life's 'small stuff' when you aren't at the top of your game. I hate when it happens. But it does. I am not alone.

Then I read the words "I just wanted to tell you that I don’t talk about it (depression) either. Especially not when I’m in it" as another author wrote of the depression that she is fighting her way through. Oh, man. I get that too. Especially when it comes to those in your world who want to 'fix' you. No. I don't need to be fixed. I need to wade through this. In my own way. In my own time. I've done this before and I'll do this again. Each time I learn something that I need to know (but as this author writes ... I simply 'forget' what that magic formula was when I'm knee deep in coping). I am not alone ...

Other authors are writing through various challenges, emotions and internal battles. My life is easy compared to others. But sometimes? It simply feels harder than it needs to feel. It is simply comforting to know that I am not alone ...

On a cheerier note, my days as a daycare provider have been bringing light into my world. My new family started yesterday and it simply could not have gone better. I want to be like a two-year-old. My two little girls welcomed their new friend into their world like they have known each other forever. A little family of three moved across an ocean to bring them 'exactly to this spot' ... their little girl has found a kinship among friends in a heartbeat.

Envelop those in your world the way a two-year-old does. Don't hold back. Open the door and let life walk in. Chances are, that the person on the other side of that door needs your friendship just as much as you need theirs.

Remember ... we are not alone.

Hard Questions

 "I was just wondering if he (my 15 year old son) was ever left unsupervised with the children as I wouldn’t be comfortable with this..."  

These are the words that were a springboard for a day's worth of deep and soul searching thoughts. I could not stop the cycle once it began. 

First off, it was a shock to my system to look at my son the way others see him. He has grown up before my very eyes despite the fact that I still see (and hear) my young child within him. Reopening my daycare and bringing out various toys from his youth has sparked so many memories and conversations. It is interesting to hear your child talk about when they were young. I was shaken back into the reality that he has grown up to be a mini-man in front of my very eyes.

As soon as my new parent posed the question, our days flashed before my eyes. I have been open in telling my parents that My Son has been helping me throughout the summer holidays ... but have I told them how he helps? An extra set of eyes, ears and hands is so very much appreciated when dealing with a group of small children. His sense of calmness and way of reasoning with the kids is fresh and unbiased. His mere presence in my day gives me a sounding board (perhaps much more than he wishes). Plus ... he plays with the kids. I organize. I supervise. I hover. I enforce the rules. But I don't play.

Has my son ever been left unsupervised with the children? 

I have one parent who habitually 'forgets' to call when she is running late from work. I can understand when it is a half hour or less. But an hour or more? This habit became apparent early on in our daycare arrangements. I had other obligations a few nights of the week, as well as various appointments and commitments from time to time. So I asked her (in advance), in cases like this if she minded if My Son watched over her child until she arrived. He has taken a babysitting course. He babysat on a regular basis for one of my parents a few years ago. She agreed. I took advantage of the situation a few times, but always called her first. My Son always ensured that I took care of any 'bathrooming needs' before I walked out the door and the mom usually arrived within minutes. My son said the longest time may have been twenty minutes.

More often than not, I am in the same room at the same time as my son. But I have been in the kitchen. Or run downstairs. Or run outside. Or gone to the bathroom. But I have always either been within earshot or seconds away from reappearing. I can almost always hear exactly what is going on.

So the reason this parent's question resonated in my mind is because "Yes, my son has been with the children without me being present." I could not erase that reality from my mind. 

But the second part of that truth is what set me free (thank goodness for two quiet children as we strolled the city streets for an hour yesterday morning, as my thoughts finally had the chance to free fall through my mind and sift through the reason I could not quiet my thoughts). "But at no time, have I ever felt that I have put any one's children in jeopardy." 

I realized then, that I have subconsciously been very aware of My Son's presence when he is with the kids. There has been a continual internal dialogue going on within my  mind that I didn't even hear. "Would a parent be comfortable with this?" is a constant. And my answer is always, always "Yes". 

Lessons learned while growing up in a daycare have taught My Son so much more than I realized. We had a few instances of "child curiosity" that sparked discussions among my young daycare family (years ago) about respecting other's privacy and 'private parts'. I have been discreet and encourage a certain amount of privacy when I am changing diapers. I am not overly demonstrative when it comes to hugging, kissing, tickling or anything that involves 'personal space' ... and I have passed this trait along to my own children. So My Son 'accepts hugs' when offered, with a respectful board-like quality (that I must admit, in cases where other people's children are involved, I appreciate).

I ran into two instances over the course of my 12 years in daycare, where the interaction among older kids made me very uneasy (personal boundaries and privacy issues were being tested). I was vigilant in my supervision in these cases, talked with parents about what I saw and felt ... and in one case, I did ask one family to leave because something just felt 'off' when their boys were here (thankfully the other matter was taken out of my hands when the child-in-question stopped coming here).  So I can fully appreciate a parent's concerns and this is something that my mother bear instincts are tuned into.    

So after recognizing the reason this question set this flurry of anxiety through me I can say with absolute conviction that at no point have I ever felt that I have placed the children in my care in any jeopardy.

When I feel a truth inside of me that is trying to escape, I like to examine the reasons why it feels so uncomfortable. The damage is done in cover-ups and excuses. I am satisfied that I have come to the bottom of my discomfort and there is nothing that I have to be hide.

Getting to the bottom of the 'hard questions' have the potential to wreak havoc with a person's peace of mind. I know from experience that I don't 'squirm' without reason. I would never have made a good criminal. I just don't have the stomach for the queasiness that comes from hidden truths.

Ask Me a Question ... I Will Tell You My Truth

After almost a two week absence from daycare and a cryptic text message from a parent last Thursday (advising me that her child would be 'done daycare' in two weeks with no details other than she would explain on Monday), I found out that this child would be leaving my daycare because the mom has been offered a new job and the family will be moving out of the province.

Now ... color me jaded, but I feel that the twelve words that she could have used to explain the reason this child was leaving daycare verses the ten words that she chose to utilize was a manipulative move. I am no fan of texting and I can fully understand abbreviating a message. But this was not necessary, from where I stand.

Withholding information when you are in a relationship which involves trust and honest interaction between adults sets off alarm bells in my mind.

I have had the feeling that I am not good enough or that I haven't met the standards that this parent expected for the better part of our daycare arrangement. I have tried on many occasions to open up the door and allow this parent to talk with me. Each attempt has been met with a raised eyebrow and indifference, leaving me to feel that I am right in my assumption. And now this?

From the moment that I read the text message that upended my world, I knew within my heart of hearts ... that this was a good thing. This parent needed to place her child within an environment where she felt secure and comfortable with her child care provider. I don't think it means that I am any less than I am, nor that the parent had unfounded concerns. We were simply not a good match. It happens. I do a better job when I feel that people trust me. Believe me, this parent left me feeling inadequate and insufficient in so many ways that I feel that I did half the job that I was capable of doing. I can live without that ...

I have been in relationships where information has been held back. When this happens, a person knows and feels this within the very core of their being. You begin to play a game where you attempt to talk your way through the unknowns in an attempt to explain another person's behaviour.

I suppose I do this on so many levels, in so many ways on a day-to-day basis, that it has become second nature to me. I try to understand what our cats are thinking because they cannot communicate verbally. I work with children all day and I am continually deciphering body language and broken English. When my own children 'go quiet', I try to figure out what could be fueling their feelings. Out of respect for their need for space and privacy, I don't want to push conversations that are not yet ready to unfold.

My last relationship ended (in part) because I chose to pursue the answers to the questions he always avoided answering. He never lied to me. He just didn't tell me what he didn't think I was ready (or needed) to hear. It is dishonesty on a whole new level.

I know that friendships and relationships evolve slowly and on a need-to-know-basis. Perhaps I am too much of an open book. I lay myself on the line when nurturing a relationship that invites a certain level of trust and openness to grow. When I feel someone holding back or withholding information, I become less of who I am. And I don't enjoy that sensation. Not one little bit.

On the other hand, I have some good news to offset the unsettled feeling that crept into my world!

I met a new daycare family yesterday. Nothing is official, but our meeting was positive and I was left with the feeling that 'Yes! I am in this business for all the right reasons'. The mom wants to confer with her husband and she promised to get back to me by this afternoon.

Do you know what makes me feel oh-so-good about the entire interview process?? This mom sent me an email last night to let me know why she didn't call me last night and she had one unanswered question. "I was just wondering if he (my 15 year old son) was ever left unsupervised with the children as I wouldn’t be comfortable with this..." A perfectly honest and legitimate question. If she had felt uncomfortable asking me and simply decided not to bring her child here, I would have never known the reason why. Now I do.

This relationship is off to a good start. Asking the hard questions and being open to provide the answers in an open and honest discussion is the basis on which good, solid business arrangements and relationships begin.

Ask me a question ... I will tell you my truth. Just give me the opportunity to answer before you judge me. Is that too much to ask?

Anxious

There is an undercurrent of anxiety coursing through my thoughts. I want to run for cover, let someone wrap their big, burly arms around me and just hunker down and weather the storm. But I can't. And I won't.

Work and money are weighing heavy on my mind. There is a steady and calm mantra going on within my head. "It will all work out in the end. It always does. Things will be better than they were before this turn of events. They always are...."

These calming words that are coming from a deep sense of knowing ... help. A lot. I am doing fine. Really. But I am just a little impatient as I wait for my story to unfold.

Perhaps that is why little things feel so huge.The big stuff going on within my head has made the little stuff feel bigger than it needs to be. Deworming cats. Car repairs. Extra curricular spending that I placed upon myself. My Sunday employment ...

I ended my daycare week on a bad note. I was not happy with 'our Friday', nor the way it ended. I am unsettled over not knowing why one family has given me notice. I had an 'off' day at work yesterday. Very off ...

I kept to myself this weekend. This could have been far more beneficial if I would have made myself accomplish a few more tasks around the house. I did more than I wanted to do, so I counted that as a small 'win' for me. Now that the weekend is behind me, I can see that I was capable of much more. Productivity is a big moral booster. I know this. I must act on it! I will.

I have been foolish with my money this past long while. I have been spending my money before I make it. I stuck my neck out and went ahead with plans to build a new fence based on future income. Then my present income took a blow that I wasn't expecting. This was a very good lesson for me. Never count on tomorrow, to pay for what you buy today!

An unexpected change-of-events within my daycare has challenged my fortitude for this line of work. Families coming and going is the 'norm' in a daycare. The very fact that I have had eleven months of stability is nothing short of a miracle. Perhaps it has not been a positive thing. Because I haven't pushed myself as far as I am capable of going. I have become lackadaisical and that is never a good thing.

Monday has (in my experience) been a day when I receive more calls for people seeking out new daycare. I received a few encouraging emails yesterday. Just a glimmer of hope. "It will all work out in the end ... it always does".

I sequestered myself to a weekend of 'quiet', when a weekend of 'busy' would have been far more beneficial. Who knew that my busy-month-of-June was exactly what I needed??

Being the 'right kind of busy' is a good thing. It keeps life's little worries in perspective. Idle time and excess thoughts are not good bedfellows! But have no fear ... nothing, absolutely nothing is standing in the way of a good night's sleep for me. My mom was blessed to be able to sleep through a major thunderstorm last week. I am blessed to sleep right through the little *plough wind that is barrelling through my life at the moment.

It is time to get cracking and set this day in motion. It will be a better day than yesterday. I know it will!

* Plough wind is defined as a downburst in the online FreeDictionary ... it seems as a very good way to describe the way my life feels at the moment. Focus on limited area ... for a short time:

(Earth Sciences / Physical Geography) a very high-speed downward movement of turbulent air in a limited area for a short time. Near the ground it spreads out from its centre with high horizontal velocities Also called microburst

Collins English Dictionary – Complete and Unabridged © HarperCollins Publishers 1991, 1994, 1998, 2000, 2003

Breathing in the Day

I woke up to absolutely no agenda today. It was a tad frightening because I have been known to completely waste days like this (or else go out and adopt a new cat). I had no idea how I was going to flow with this day ...

Thankfully little things happened that made the day pass in a thoroughly enjoyable way.

A few friends dropped into my inbox. I called a friend. That friend called me back when I got called away from the phone.

I picked up the car that was waiting for me at the garage. I got a few groceries (actual food items!!) while I was out. I came home and made a salad. And ... I actually assembled a supper meal.

I got the laundry caught up. I vacuumed. I puttered. I extended no more energy than the bare minimum required. But I still accomplished a few small tasks.

I spent the vast majority of the day in the living room. Surrounded in the quietness of the day, my family all tending to their own interests. And the cats ...

There is really nothing quite like enjoying a leisurely cat-like-day ...  with a cat (or two) at your side.

Trust That You are Exactly Where You are Meant to Be

Life has been upended in a sudden, yet to-be-expected way ...

I have a few too many irons in the fire. A car in the shop. A cat with undetermined digestion problems. A new fence on the horizon. Holiday plans. A school reunion. Oh yes. And then there are simply the bills-that-must-be-paid.

Money has been spent and I am committed to 'all of the above'. I can't back out now. And what happens? Yesterday, I received two weeks notice from one of my daycare families.

I am surprised. Yet I have been expecting this. I am upset. Yet I am okay. I am nervous about the precariousness of my financial-state-of-affairs. Yet I trust that it will work itself out.

Life has taught me that when the unexpected happens ... there is a reason.

I am nervous. Yet I slept like a rock. I woke up this morning and remembered where I left off last night. And these are the words that sprung to the tip of my consciousness: "Trust that you are exactly where you are meant to be..."

I trust that all will work out better than they were before yesterday. I have an inner sense of knowing that this had to happen. The present is unknown. But I believe the future will be a gift.