Hi Mom

I had the privilege of a good night's sleep and with it came a bounty of dreams.

You know how convoluted those dream story lines go. I was all over the map. Literally. 

Driving just outside of the city with a friend who died last year. She just needed a friend and all we did was drive. We then ran into the road that has been closed all year and a battalion of army vehicles drove down the road. We detoured and ventured further out of the city.

The next thing I remember we were driving down country roads that petered out into nothing but a walkable path but we saw cars driving off in the distance so we kept driving/walking (??). 

Eventually we ended up in the south/westernmost part of the city. By this time we were walking but I was also walking a bike. When some scary characters crossed our path, I told them to just take the bike to barter for our safety.

We came upon another sketchy group of characters and by this time I was walking with a friend I haven't seen in five years. Details are fuzzy here but I was aware we had a very long way to walk and in a very lucid moment, I said "We know this is a dream. Let's just dream up a car." And we did.

Just as simple as that, a white Mercury Mystique drove up and we quickly hopped in. Who was in their prime and driving the car? Mom. She looked at me and asked if I would drive (Mom wasn't a big fan of driving and was very often a passenger in her own car). I hopped out of the car ...

... and POOF! I was awake. And ready to drive for Mom. She looked so good! We didn't even get a chance to talk. 

It was still good to see her.

It is also a small comfort to see her car parked safely on our driveway.

Thanks, Mom!

The Power of Puttering

I have had the happy pleasure of preparing for guests two weekends in a row. While this sets off a domino effect of panic transformed into productivity, the results are worth it in the end.

Cleaning is always top-of-mind and living with cats makes cleaning an endless and futile job. Vacuuming is the second last thing that gets done, followed by a shower and taming my hair. Once I get my hair washed, my company is usually due within the next hour or two.

But I digress. The reason for this post is due to a morning when I started to putter before I poured my second cup of coffee.

I thought I would bring out my Christmas decorations and bring a little light and joy into the room. I turned on some music and the rest is history ...

Dusting off the unused and neglected decorations brought old memories back to life in a magical way. Everything I touched had been gifted to me over the years. Old friendships, my daycaring days, my family, my dancing years, a handmade decoration from an old family friend which was given to Mom, a gift from my Secret Santa one year ... I thought of each person and the circumstances around receiving each gift as I placed them on my cat-proof "Christmas shelf":

The corner shelf, itself was Mom's. Mom was with me all day as I adorned her shelf the way most people decorate a tree. I served supper on her plates; we drank apple cider out of her crystal wine glasses; we had tea from her china tea cups; we sat in "her room" with our tea, after supper. 

At every turn throughout the day, I heard Mom's voice, felt her spirit and honored my memories of her as they washed through me.

Memories. We are so very fortunate when reminiscing brings about a feeling of peace. The ability to recall and remember is sometimes a privilege we don't have the ability to hold onto forever.

So why? Tell me why?? Why am I tamping down the good stuff? Why am I filling every void within my days and nights with streaming TV shows, podcasts and other people's words? 

It felt SO good to putter around the house with music playing in the background. Light and easy music which left lots of room in my head to think my own thoughts and remember as I touched my life up close and in a personal way.

I have cleaned enough to see beyond the surface dirt and cat hair to discover there is SO much more to be cleaned! I have emptied off enough surfaces to realize I am holding onto things that really don't matter. 

I have come a small way but there is so much further to go.

So why? Tell me why?? Did I wake up the next day and turn on the TV and lose yet another day after tending to only a few small tasks I had left over from the previous day? Why was it so tempting to turn on a podcast and play a mind-numbing word wipe game in the background instead of stopping here to spill some of my thoughts into the written word?

I must remember the Power of Puttering. The magic of music. 

May you find a little piece of yourself today. Tuning into music, turning off social media and scrolling, tend to one small pile that has been accumulating and allow yourself the freedom to putter. Listen to your thoughts, move your body, search for the little piece of serenity within that has been evading you lately.

That sounds bossy. You do "you". We all must do what we need to, to take the next forward step. But when you DO find a little piece of yourself somewhere along the way, stop and nurture the moment and if you can prolong it, try. Just try. 

Balm For the Soul

I took a step away from life as I know it and ran towards the home that brings me serenity. I am here - at my Little Oasis on the Prairie:

I arrived Friday afternoon, bearing ready-made-meals and no agenda whatsoever. All I knew is I didn't have the brain power to think of bringing "ingredients" to turn into homemade meals. I didn't want to be a burden. I didn't want meal planning to take up one corner of my thoughts.

It has been beyond lovely.

A walk-and-talk with my sister which morphed into a lunch and an afternoon visit. Writing a letter to my other sister and walking to the mailbox was the only item on my mental to-do-list.

Once I arrived back home from the mailbox, I started to putter outside. Three hours later, I came inside and popped the store-prepared-pizza into the oven and called it a day. 

It was marvelous.

Today's agenda? More of the same. Simply following the path of least resistance. Amazing how that path leads to productivity when I take a step away from my city home where I live with my work.

Best idea I've had in at least a month. 

May today be the day you follow your own path of least resistance. You deserve it.

Quiet Desperation

I sit here and clutch onto my hot cup of coffee as I desperately hold onto the last moments I am free to call my own today.

I wrote that paragraph and erased the paragraphs to follow. I checked job postings. I took a few typing tests. I peeked my head out into the world beyond the world I have created here at home and feel like a turtle.

I've tucked my head and limbs back into the safety of what I know.

I've worked on my own for 3-1/2 years now. I ran my daycare for 14 years. In a faraway land of long ago, I remember telling myself I was the best boss I ever had. 

I have high expectations of myself. When I stop meeting those expectations, I want to be done. 

I'm there.

But I don't know where to go next.

The saddest part of all, is I do believe I know where I would go if I had no one else to consider ...

I see it.

I just have to get there.

Home.

P.S. I must make a trip to update this photo - a lot has changed since this was taken.

Calm Quiet Place

I have shut the door to our den (aka: "Mom's Room"), gathered a fresh cup of coffee and I'm in my calm, quiet place.

My thoughts have been in a repetitive loop for a very long time, so I have shied away from writing. When people ask how I am, my response is, "Same. Same. And more of the same." And that is the truth.

Holding patterns are comfortable and uncomfortable all at the same time. I've become a little more of who I have been all along and less of who I have been all along. All at the same time.

The past week held a few up-in-the-air variables where I needed to know I had done all I could do, to take a step towards change. That has always brought a feeling of control in an incontrollable situation before. "Do what you can. Then let it go", has been my motto. Trust the pause ...

Thanksgiving came and went this year. I didn't take the time to stop and count my blessings. Truth be told, I count them continually.

I am beyond grateful for the quiet, predictable, safe little life I lead. I peak at the news of what is happening in the world outside of the very small window in which I see the world and I run for cover. I feel like a groundhog who is saying "Spring? Not yet! Not yet!!" and I pop back into my safe little space underground.

I'm in touch with people who matter to me. I have maintained long distance friendships since my family moved when I was nine years old. Long distance, letters, phone calls and sporadic face-to-face contact is warm and comfortable to me. I'm grateful for friends and family who nurture our relationships from afar. I'm grateful for those I do see in the flesh. Less is more when it comes to socializing. At least for me.

Death, dying and chronic illness seem to be a theme among those I know. No one is untouched. Mom used to comment on her feelings on these ongoing conversations. I hear you, Mom. I hear you! 

My sisters and I made our way towards my brother's family's home last month. It was wonderful. Our visit was sprinkled with laughter, familiarity and a sense we were all guests in our temporary AirBnB oasis. It was heavenly. It was life sustaining. Laughter never felt so good.

I have no moral to today's story. I have been craving a little writing time and when I brought out this brand new candle (with a fragrance labelled "Calm Quiet Place") this morning, I thought I would simply stop the world for a few minutes and write.

I miss this space. I miss who I used to be when my fingertips revealed my deepest, unconscious thoughts. I may be back ...

Some Things Bear Repeating

In my valiant attempt to re-jig my finances to find new ways of living within my means, I have cancelled cable and in its place, our internet provider provided a free streaming service. 

A new found wealth of programs I have never accessed before has me watching more TV than ever before. I discovered a documentary section where I have invested many hours. Me, being a long time fan of Cher, found a few documentaries on her. 

I knew I had blogged about Cher after attending two of her concerts. Thus, I opened up my blog and typed "Cher" in the search bar. I lost track of time as I read every post I wrote that contained "Cher" within the context. When I found this one, I thought "this one bears repeating". Enough said.

Here are some thoughts from almost four years ago. The anniversary of the day Mom left this world was a few days ago, so these words feel like a timely message from beyond:

THURSDAY, NOVEMBER 7, 2019

Filling the Void (Living Life Forward)

I found myself thinking of Mom this morning. "I miss missing her ..." I wrote. As I continued to let my fingers do the walking, I found an inner contentment which has filled the void that was created since Mom died.

While Mom was here, I wrote her a weekly letter. She phoned me in response to my letters. If I was not home, she would wonder where I was and if she had to wait too long before I responded there was a sense of urgency within her voice. She knew my routines and would concern herself when I wasn't where she expected me to be. My holidays would revolve around going out to see Mom. Our sister weekends would often involve going to Mom's.

Mom has been a strong guiding force within my life. I listened to myself repeat what she had said often over the course of my life as I lived it and I wistfully thought of the day when I would be quoting her after she was gone. I was pleased to recognize I appreciated who she was to me while she was here on earth.

After Mom died and the immediate needs of taking care of her house, estate and tying up all loose ends with the lawyer, accountant and our taxation department were done, there was a distinct void in my life that was once filled with "Mom".

The void created the space for me to feel all the feelings I had been tamping down with busyness. It was a time when tears appeared out of nowhere and everywhere all at the same time. It was a time of sadness but it was necessary.

Life doesn't stand still for anyone. The sun continues to rise each and every day, seasons pass, bills need to be paid and life goes on (and on and on). Life dragged me along as I dragged my heals through that first year. It didn't matter. The sun rose. The sun set. Life called out its demands. I had no choice but to move along with the flow.

Fast forward another year. I stopped bucking the idea of moving on. I started making a few plans. I dared to dream a little. I placed my dreams and my final financial gift from Mom into our home. Home renovations began, my thoughts were consumed with all aspects of that. Bit by bit, the void created by Mom's absence began to fill up.

I continue to think of Mom, what she may say or think, I quote what I remember from Mom's vast array of quotable quotes and smile when I think of some of our conversations. She continues to guide my thoughts, actions and motives. She is part of who I am. It is undeniable. Sometimes I must quiet my inner-Margaret but most of the time, I just smile when I get a flash of her expression or hear the scorn in her voice over some inane use of the English language.

The cracks of my life have been filled up with living my life forward. As I think of the past year, it is "full". Full of home renovations, family, plays, Glennon Doyle, Cher, Oprah, friends, getaways, gatherings and celebrations. It was a year which was filled with doing things that filled me up and filled the void left in Mom's absence.

It feels good to feel fulfilled again. I do miss missing Mom but it is more important to go with the flow of life and live it fully while one is able to do so. I still feel Mom's guiding force and I hear Dad within my thoughts too. Between the two of them, they gave me the tools, my siblings, a strong sense of who I am and who I aspire to be.

Life goes on. We carry bits and pieces of everyone we meet as we make our way along. I am grateful to have thoughts of Mom and Dad within me. It is my hope to live my life in a way that would please and honor them.

The Best Holiday I Didn't Know I Needed

Have you ever taken a holiday without really feeling a great need to get away? When the ache to separate work and home isn't the driving force? When splurging on a little getaway feels like an indulgence and not a need?

I just returned from such a retreat. I wasn't running away from anything. I wasn't running anywhere. I was drawn towards a place I called home for 18 years. I had a yearning to stay at a little home-away-from-home at an AirBnB close to where I grew up. 

I ached for an independence and solitude you don't get when you stay with family or friends. Don't get me wrong! I love visiting and meeting up with people. I simply enjoy the feeling of having time alone to digest, absorb, reflect and fully inhale the day I am anticipating or have just lived.

I had a moment of angst at the end of my very first day. It was a day where I left my little oasis first thing in the morning, touched base at one point and was immediately off again, returning at dusk. I thought "Oh no!! When will I have time to savor the moments right here at my little 'home'?"

The very next day was all about those moments. I sat on the balcony, read a book, gazed upon the rooftops and yards of the neighborhood while awaiting my guests. One set of guests left and I gathered up more company for the duration of the day. It was marvelous.

I didn't have to rush home on check-out-day so I returned to the balcony, reopened my book and simply inhaled. A deep breath where everything felt good and right. A moment I knew I could recreate at home but I savored the fact that it was nestled within memories of relaxed and relaxing visits with people who mean the world to me. 

I drove home to the sound track of music of yester-year. Feelings of days when I didn't know what life had in store and my inner me was simply young and a little naïve. 

The innocence of my youth was seasoned generously throughout a vacation away from my day-to-day life. Though I had many visits of a serious nature, I was grounded in the sensation of "coming home".

I walked by Mom's house. It has changed. Life goes on.

I spotted several rabbits as I made my way through the days. The first crossed my path as I left after a visit with my brother's family. A second was spotted as I headed southward to walk the paths of my youth. Not a rabbit to be seen near or around Mom's. One more rabbit ran parallel to me on a busy road as I headed to visit my childhood friend. Not many rabbits, but I felt a significance in the timing of their appearance. 

It was the best holiday I didn't even know I needed. I highly recommend it. Don't put off those little retreats too long. They are best enjoyed when you are enjoying a version of your best self.