The Nightmare

I lightly alluded to the nightmare that I had a few nights ago, in last night's post-about-nothing. It was a very disturbing dream and I quite literally had to get out of bed (and turn off a crying doll!) to shake myself out of it. Even that did not work. My thoughts were consumed.

Before I went to bed that night, I had read this article "The Day I Left My Son in the Car". You really should read that article to fully understand the depth of my thoughts before I went to sleep that night.

In a nutshell, this is written by a mom that does everything humanly possible to protect  her children but she made one spur-of-the-moment decision that changed her life. She left her son in the car (on a 50 degree (Fahrenheit) day, with windows cracked open a bit; child locks engaged; doors locked) because after insisting that he wanted to come along with her on this five minute errand (before they had to run and catch a flight within the hour), he resisted going into the store with her when she got there. Tantrum in the store verses the decision to run in and out of the store and be quickly on their way again.

Her son was fine, but what happened is that a stranger videotaped the entire incident, then followed this mom home and then called the police to report the mother for leaving her child in a car.

The author of this article went to great lengths to describe all sides of the entire situation, the events that followed and the legal ramifications and arguments that ensued.

I am not acting as judge and jury here. What resonated with me after reading this, was the fact that what caregiver does not make a mistake? Ever? As a parent, I was a (very) far cry from perfect. As a daycare provider, I am 90% better than I was as a parent, but I am not perfect.

Just yesterday, I took a calculated risk by mowing the lawn while my two daycare charges were sound asleep in the house, the doors were locked and my 16 year old was downstairs in-case-of-emergency. Anything could have happened during the twenty minutes that I stepped out of the house.

Every day, I must go to the bathroom at some point during my daycare day. I always make sure that all-is-well and everyone is safe and occupied before I leave the room. I leave the bathroom door ajar so that I can hear all that is going on (which often attracts little people to come and investigate this door that is open, just a crack - so I really do know where they are). But honestly? Anything could happen when my back is turned.

Anything could happen when my back is not turned as well. And it does. Kids trip, fall, bump into each other and things and are generally an accident-in-progress at different ages and stages of their development. I have gone to catch a child who is falling and accidentally grazed them with my fingernail instead. Bumps, bruises, scratches and accidents are a part of growing up. Ninety nine (point nine, nine) percent of the time it is just minor stuff. All it takes is 'once' and all else is forgotten.

I have babysat for a few 'bubble-wrapped' children. They are the hardest children to keep safe, because their parents have protected them from the natural consequences of life because they always catch the child before they fall. These children are fearless because they trust that someone else will keep them safe.

These very same parents are the ones that worry me the most. If they watched every move that I made during the day, I could not appease their protective nature. Daycare = Children (plural). I do not have eyes and ears on one child at all times. Peripheral vision sees all (a lot); knows all (most); and hears all (almost everything). But I don't have my eyes, ears and arms out for one child at all times.

I take calculated risks all day, every day.

I even feel like I am taking a chance whenever I take my kids out for a walk. I have two in the stroller and anyone walking must hold onto the stroller. That is the rule. It is my unwavering rule. I go on and on and on about safety and moving cars, watching for traffic, walking on the 'grassy side of the sidewalk' (verses the side closest to moving traffic).

I have zero tolerance for any safety rule that is broken.

I let the kids take calculated risks when I know that they are safe. Learning to climb and falling a small distance, onto a soft surface is a good teacher, in my books.

On top of keeping my borrowed children safe, I am also teaching them manners, fair play, sharing, caring and just plain old good citizenship. At least I try. In the minutes, hours and days throughout the week I have moments when I lose my temper. On good days and on bad days. My angry voice comes out and it doesn't sound good.

If someone caught me on videotape during one of those bad moments?? It is honestly my worst nightmare. And that ... was the nightmare that I had the other night.

I was over-the-top-stressed-out (in my dream) and I had school-aged children that were defying my every word. (In my dream), I sent one of those school kids to bed for a nap and the other snuck out the door (in my dream) and decided that she wasn't sick after all and would return to school. And (in my dream), the mother of these children showed up on the doorstep with her daughter in tow, hurling accusations. On top of this (in my dream), the mother of my bubble-wrapped-child dropped off her extremely ill son after his doctor's appointment and went to work. I had a sick child (in my dream) on top of this defiance and suddenly, my bubble-wrapped-child's mother was accusing and yelling at me. I stood there (in my dream), feeling defenseless and defeated.

I woke up and my heart was racing. The grains of truth (my imperfections and current-day-parents' expectations) sifted to the top of my consciousness and I wondered if I was truly up to this job.

I am so very far from perfect, that I worry. If someone was a fly on my wall during the day, each and every day, day after day ... what would they think? Perhaps that 'fly' would understand and see 99.99% of the time, I do the right things under the right circumstances. But what if they videotaped one isolated incident? If someone judged you by your actions .01% of the time, what would the jury think?

Living life is risky business. Every day. All of the time. We have no idea what is lurking around the next corner. Thank goodness.

We can't live in fear of that .01% of the time. We must live out loud. We must take chances and learn that sometimes, we will fall. When we do fall, we must learn to get back up, brush ourselves off and move onwards, taking that lesson with us. It doesn't hurt to think of that 'fly on the wall', to help us guide our actions in a way that we are not ashamed of. But we cannot live in fear of five minutes of 'video' to change the course of our lives.

It only takes a fraction of a second to change the course of a life. We cannot live in fractions. We can only live fully and completely. Wake up from the nightmare, girl! Open your eyes!! Life the day with your eyes wide open, do your best and when you fail? Get up and try, try again.

Seven Impossible Things Before Bedtime

It has been a hard day.

The first hard thing that I had to do was wake up. Normally I don't have a problem with that but this morning, I wasn't really in the mood for it.

I woke up because I had a very disturbing dream around 3 a.m., and never really fell back to sleep. Until the alarm went off.

I went through the paces of the morning but didn't save enough time to blog.

My Daycare Day began and I had two phone calls to make. I did that and felt like I deserved a medal. Instead, I had to continue to take care of my daycare family.

So we went for a walk. I didn't have an imagination today. We walked to the store. Mailed a letter and bought stamps. Made a bank deposit. Bought a few groceries. Then we came home and I made lunch.

I really wasn't in the mood for making food today. But I did. Thank you, Campbells. You make good soup. Adding a can of water and stirring was almost too much for me today. But I managed.

Thankfully nap time followed shortly thereafter. I had to mow the lawn but did not want to start until I was certain that my kids were sleeping soundly. I sat down. I woke up shortly thereafter and got the lawn mowed. It wasn't awful. I'm glad it's done.

Kids woke up and I it was time to find some more food for them. Thank-you to my friend who gave me some homemade muffins yesterday! I felt like a real hero. Bran muffins for snack - what a refreshing (and healthy) change!

The last part of the day was easy. We sat out on the deck and the kids played with water. They were so content. It was the best part of my day.

Then came the really hard part.

The kids left and I still had to provide a supper. I would pick up propane so that I could barbeque some burgers. Yes! That sounded like a plan.

Except I really detest hunting down propane. Our local gas station is closed, so I went to the next closest one. I pulled out the empty propane tank and hauled it over to the propane station. "Out of Service". A sign told me where the (next) nearest propane station was, so I wearily made my way over there.

Honestly, I felt like I had gone out on a hunting expedition and caught my supper. But all I really caught was the fuel to cook it. Same difference.

I am not a fan of hunting and eating my catch. The temptation to pick up some supper on the way home was huge. I cannot believe that I resisted!

I made it home. I cooked our supper. I choked it down and satisfied my hunger.

The day was done.

Except it was only 7:00 and I wanted to do nothing more, than to go straight to sleep.

I have been trying to keep myself awake for the last hour. Writing this blog post about impossible things is simply something to keep me awake until after 8:00.

I see that I made it.

I think it is late enough to go to bed now. Whew! I made it through my Monday.

I didn't accomplish a lot, but I managed to do seven impossible things. Perhaps not before lunch, but at least before bedtime.

Mountain climbing on the weekend must have depleted me.

The Mountain

I stood at the bottom of the mountain and gazed at the climb ahead. It didn't look so steep when I set out to conquer this mountain, when I stood in the foothills and stared up at the mountain in the distance.

I started my trek, over estimating my endurance, my physical and mental stamina and set out like a dreamer thinking "I can do anything I set out to do!"

I started walking towards the foot of the mountain which was becoming larger and larger with each forward step. "Oh no. What have I gotten myself into?", was the thought that kept creeping up into my subconsciousness.

"I can't do it!" "It is to steep and too big and too tall!" "I am not good enough to finish what I have started!" "Why in the world did I invite so many people along with me into this unknown land?" "Who in the world do I think I am???"

I stood at the bottom and I looked up. I looked way, way up. I could no longer see the peak. Too many clouds were in the way and they obstructed the view of the clear path to the top.

I don't know how long I stood there, immobilized by not knowing how to navigate beyond what I could not see. It was too long. I became paralyzed by the enormity of the mountain in front of me. I would have turned around and walked the other way if I did not have so many people at my side, ready to join me when I started taking my first upward step.

One step. One forward step took me just a little bit higher than I was before I started moving.

I still couldn't see the top of the mountain. Storm clouds were brewing. I had to hunker down and weather a storm or two. But the moment the skies cleared, the top was still so very far away that I did not have the energy to move.

Then it happened. Oh, so slowly and gradually. I started taking a few steps here. A few steps there. Those who had joined me in my trek helped me through the toughest spots.

Suddenly (or so it seemed), I was midway up the mountain.

I still had so very far to go. But there was a difference. I could look back and see the distance I had put behind me.

I was energized by this revelation and just kept climbing.

I am not at the peak yet, but I can see it! At long last, I am up beyond the clouds and I can see the top of the mountain. It wasn't so big after all.

Yes. My Family Book Project is three chapters away from 'complete'. There is much polishing, editing and revising yet to do. But it is near. It is oh-so-very-near.

I can taste it. I can see it. I can feel it now.

Do you know the most amazing part of all?? From this point of view, I can see the next mountain I want to climb. It doesn't look as tall...

When you are stuck at the bottom of your mountain, just take one forward step. You will be one step closer to where you want to be and one step further from where you began.

It is hard. Man! It is hard. But one forward step at a time takes you exactly where you need to be. Eventually.

Back-Up Plans - What Would You Save in Case of Fire?

Have you backed up your computer files lately? If not, think (just for a moment) about what is important to you and find some way to safe guard that-which-cannot-be-easily replaced.

Our main computer has been 'ill' for quite some time. A few months ago, I called my friendly, neighborhood computer-guy and he gave the computer a little CPR and it has been holding on. That is, until I re-infected it with a 'bug' of some sort.

I took all of the clean-up knowledge I have (and added a little of what I thought I understood) and effectively wiped out our computer yesterday morning. Yes. Erased. Completely and fully.

I had to make an embarrassing phone call. "Yes, Doctor. I tried to do the surgery you performed when you were here. I failed. I think my patient died. Can you help me now?"

There is always something to be grateful for. I was counting my blessings before I was tallying up my losses.

First of all, I backed up my files before I did what I could not un-do. Secondly, my family book project (that I have been working on for almost six years) is safe and sound on a separate computer, with all of the documentation and up-to-the-date book revisions on a USB drive I keep separate and apart from the computer itself. Had I lost The Book, I may have needed a little CPR myself.

Number 1 - count your blessings. Practise gratitude. As bad as things seem to be, they could always be worse. What is one measly little computer in the whole scheme of things? Not much, I tell you. Really!

Number 2 - have a back-up plan (or in my case, a back-up drive). I always wondered how this backing-up-my-system would work in case of emergency. It seems I will now find out. My computer guy asked me a few questions about my back-up program. The process of restoring our files sounds a little labor intensive because he must first recreate our computer-as-it-was. That sounds expensive, doesn't it?

Number 3 - it is only money. If our only problems are ones which money can solve, we are very lucky indeed! Boy, am I ever lucky!!

I had been putting off replacing our computer until my finances were in a better place. It seems an act of self sabotage fast forwarded my plan. I had intended on calling my computer-guy at the beginning of the week but I talked myself out of it. I thought I could 'put a band-aid' on the situation and get us through until I was more ready. The band-aid just may have held, if I had not decided to perform surgery...

Part of the reason I was delaying the inevitable new computer scenario is because I have accumulated a wealth of clutter within this very computer. I was in the process of promising myself to never again let things get to this point. But before I was to get to that point, I needed to clean up my existing files.

Sometimes life takes the choice out of your hands. What you think you cannot live without or replace or recreate becomes a question of "What is most important?"

There is absolutely nothing on that computer I cannot live without. It will be very inconvenient to have lost everything but if that happened to be the case, what can a person really do? Start over.

Starting over seems devastating at the time but sometimes losing the 'clutter' of the past has hidden benefits. It takes the choice out of your hands.

When my little family and I started out on our own 26-1/2 years ago, it was with little more than the clothes on our back. We ended up with a little more than that, but not much. Had we been able to pack up what was rightfully ours when we moved out and moved on, it would have come with a cost. The burden of carrying the excess clutter and the weight of the memories attached was not worth the fight.

We started out anew. We moved into a town house and our basement was empty. It was an amazing feeling of freedom and renewal. We saved ourselves and that was all which truly mattered. My back-up plan was a family who held me up and supported me until I got my sea legs again. Money could buy all that we had lost. Material wealth is immaterial when it comes right down to it.

Look at the clutter within your life. Safe guard that-which-is-not-easily-replaced. Keep it simple. If you could save only one thing in a fire, what would it be? Protect and nurture that-which-you-would-run-out-of-a-burning-building with. The rest? It is only a minor inconvenience to replace that, which money can buy.

The Blog Post About Nothing ... and Water

What to write? What to write? What to write ... I wonder silently to myself as I pour my second cup of coffee for the day. I am right on schedule. I should be where-I-need-to-be when my Daycare Family descends upon me in an hour.

I am tired. So very tired. I have no idea why.

I have had after-supper-adult-conversations two nights in a row. We have spent a good portion of our daycare hours outside the past few days. Other than that, nothing is really different. But I am feeling weary this morning.

Does adult conversation wear me out? A conversation where I have to think outside of my own head and talk about something besides birds, planes, manners and 'teaching' little people all day long?

It has been warm enough to fill up the kid's water table the past few afternoons. There is nothing more hypnotizing than watching kids marvel and experiment and play with water.

It is new and a huge novelty. They pour. They dump. They drink. They splash in the puddles that they make around them. It feels like a no-rules zone because I have not had to stop them from doing anything they have wanted to do with this new 'toy'.

It has been wonderful to simply sit back and watch. Not teach. Not preach. Just watch (and I watch intently, with no other distractions because I do not trust children and water together, as far as I can't see them).

It has been rather heavenly to slip into that hypnotic trance at the day's end. Maybe that is why it has felt like such hard work to hold up my end of an adult conversation by night.

My Youngest Son & I chat every night as well. But our conversations are very relaxed and somewhat like staring into the water. We adore and chat about our cats. Trickles of conversation about other things slip into the cracks of cat-adoration, but for the most part it is a most welcome way to wind-down a day.

At the moment, my mind feels like an abyss as I think about watching the moving water as the kids experiment with this new medium. It is very relaxing, but not exactly a mode that propels me into a day with energy and enthusiasm.

I have no spell binding thoughts or revelations within me this morning. I simply have thoughts of relaxation and ease coursing through my mind.

Is your mind too busy? Can you not turn off your thoughts? Try to look for your own 'water source'. Something that turns off the world so that you can give your brain a little reprieve.

Have a restful Friday.

Surrender

"Surrender to the moment and just trust that the tides will take you where you most need to be (sometimes desperate moments take us to hard places ... but just the right place??)"

When life has quite literally knocked me down and to my knees, I have quite simply surrendered and (in that moment) I thought that I had given up. In reality, I simply gave up trying to control a situation that was out of my control.

"I give up"; "Help me. Please..."; "I don't know what to do"; and sometimes wordless tears that simply flow and release the pain and frustration of the moment are the words and feelings that come to mind when life has blown its harshest blows.

In the whole scheme of things, the path that I have walked has been relatively easy. It didn't feel easy when I walked through the mire of those moments, but looking back I realize (now) that it was those very moments that led me closer to where I needed to be.

When you sit in the driver's seat of your life and feel in control, it is a most wonderful feeling. Yet are we ever fully in control?

I often think of the way 'life' is so very random and a person's life-as-they-know-it could be upended in a fraction of a second. Yet we keep living each day as it comes and expect that life will unfold (basically) in the manner to which we have become accustomed. 

We travel down the roads that take us where we want to go and we trust that all of the other travellers will stay on their side of the road and obey all of the laws of the land so that we can get from "A" to "B" without incident. Ninety nine, point nine, nine, nine, nine ... percent of the time we reach our destination. Once in a blue moon, we may end up with a flat tire or car trouble. Then you read in the paper that someone was simply at the wrong place at the wrong time and their life will never be the same. 

We surrender to the moment more often than we realize because we simply trust that the same actions that we have repeated every day of our life-so-far, will have the same results.

Yet when life hits a crisis point, we scramble for control in an uncontrollable situation.

I've done it myself a million times. "What do I have control of here?"; " What can I do?"; "How can I make (the other person) understand/change/do-what-I-expect?"

In the end, I (usually) break it down into "What can I do to change this situation?" Once I have done all that I know how to do, I (usually sometimes) surrender to the moment and let the tide take me where I need to be.

I always end up in a better place than I started. The more I try to hold onto the reins and control an uncontrollable situation, the longer it takes me to find that better place. The sooner I let go, the sooner I fall and the sooner I get to where I most-need-to-be.

Matters of parenthood make the lines very fuzzy. I have a friend who is struggling right now. The mom in her is very concerned about her child, which makes her answers feel very elusive. There are so very many variables at play, which muddies the waters. Yet she has almost hit her breaking point. Where does she go and why can't she find someone who has walked in her shoes to guide her through the mire?

I have not walked her walk. I only know what has worked for me and my situation was parallel but oh-so-different at the same time. 

I have surrendered to the moment and it has worked for me. I have a mighty support system behind me and that gives me the security that I need to let go and let the chips fall as they may. What if you don't have that supportive system that 'has your back'? How can you let go and succumb to the pressures if you are afraid of where you may fall?

My friend, I have no answers for you but I have your back. I will walk with you through the muddy waters but the miles that distance us make this feel like a lame promise. 

This was the email that I wrote to my friend - "Surrender to the moment and just trust that the tides will take you where you most need to be (sometimes desperate moments take us to hard places ... but just the right place??)". These are words that I have lived, I stand by and I trust. But my friend, I so understand that it simply isn't as easy as that. I get it. 

“Don't walk behind me; I may not lead. 

Don't walk in front of me; I may not follow. 

Just walk beside me and be my friend.” 

~ Albert Camus

Through the good, the bad and the ugly ... I will walk beside you and be your friend.

Everything is Juuuust Right!

Is frittering a waste of time or can it be counted as a way of getting little things done?

I had such high hopes yesterday morning.

I got started an hour later than originally anticipated but I was working on a column. It was all-part-of-a-day's-work. That isn't frittering is it? No, I didn't think so either. I called it a legal diversion and carried on.

I tackled (what I thought would be) the hardest part of my day first. Two and a half hours later, that segment of The Book Project was polished up and off for final 'approval'. That was time well spent. I applauded myself for completing that task and moved onward.

This is when I got a little sidetracked.

I wasn't sure if I had a lot of creative and high energy left to spend on The Book at this point of the day so I started working with the layout. That piddly stuff where the book publisher makes recommendations on the types of font to use for headings verses body, the margins, gutters and all of those kinds of things. This is where I feel like I started frittering my time.

But is it frittering when it is something that will have to be done at one point or another anyway? No, I didn't think so either. So I continued on with my little side-project for another few hours. One part of (about) a five or six (or ten) part process is complete. For now.

This was the point I decided to tackle one-chapter-at-a-time. I am in the fine tuning stages for several chapters. Unfortunately this task fell upon me at the (not quite) midway point in the afternoon. I read what I had and my weary eyes and brain wondered "Is it good enough, just as it is?"...

Then I walked away.

I got comfortable and snuggled into the love seat with a book in my hands. Someone else's book. It felt good to read words that were not my own. I lost myself for a while ...

... then I woke up.

No! No! No!! "Do NOT waste your day sleeping!!", I admonished myself as I tried ever-so-hard to keep my eyelids apart from each other.

Then I started bargaining with myself. "Well, if you are not going to 'Write a Book', the very least you can do is mow the lawn."; "Ugh! I do NOT want to mow the lawn (sigh)..."; "Well then? Get back and DO something productive with The Book"; "I am all out of energy and motivation". Yes. I actually do have these two sided arguments within my own head. I usually lose.

At this point, I realized that I had forgotten to turn on the radio at the onset of my day. Music in the background keeps me in-the-moment and exactly where I need to be to accomplish long-winded tasks.

I was paralyzed. Book. Lawn. Book. Lawn. Book. Lawn.

The lawn won. I went out and moved my body and it was the smartest choice of the two options that I gave myself. I came inside, had a shower and then started doing 'hard things'. Little things that I had been putting off for forever. Like changing the battery in the answering machine and telephone (so the call display would work). Big things like cleaning cat litter and making some supper. I thought that I accomplished more than that. I am sure that I did.

Then at 6:53, I looked at the clock and congratulated myself. All of my work was done. I allowed myself to sit down, sit still and watch Gilmore Girls. My guilty pleasure.

Did I fritter the day away? My vote goes with 'No'. I did necessary things. I did creative things. I did hard things. I did easy things.

All in all? I would say that yesterday was a 'Win'. I invested a good part of the day to The Book Project. I invested necessary time and energy tending to that-which-needed-to-be-done. I invested some time in myself as I tended to what felt right at the time. Then I slept.

As I made my bed this morning, I could not help but think of the days where I would look longingly at my bed each morning and wish the day away so that I could climb back into bed, throw the covers over my head and sleep through my life. These days? I am eager to wake up in the mornings and just as excited to climb back into that soft, comfy oasis and lose myself to sleep. Just the right amount of sleep.

Yes, I am truly back in my 'Goldilocks Zone'.