With Great Wisdom, Comes a New Day

I had some deep thoughts yesterday. But I think that I forgot them.

I remembered one of them when I went to stir my coffee this morning. Yesterday, I accidentally grabbed the spoon backwards and decided to try and stir my coffee with the indentation of the spoon faced in the opposite direction that I was stirring. It was unnatural and foreign. It felt all wrong. I tried to convince my head that the milk would be stirred into my coffee just as effectively but my hand did not believe it. I had to finish the job by 'doing it right'. I wonder how many little quirks (that are just-as-mundane) rule my life.

Try it. Stir something with the spoon facing the wrong way. I'll wait.

...

See? Weird, isn't it?

Sometime in and around the time of my deep and meaningful coffee stirring moment, my best-friend-from-forever-ago called me and we (really!) had a deep and meaningful conversation.

I'm not talking about coffee stirring here. I'm talking 'real'.

I confessed my sins-of-the-past to her. My imperfectness rose to the top of the heap the day prior and I felt like such a fraud to those-who-know-me-well. "No one knows this part about me! But it was me and part of who I was, is part of who I am..." I think that we probably all have little parts and pieces of themselves that is forgotten and rarely (if ever) rises to the forefront of our minds. I like to keep myself in check and I seem to have a habit of continually remembering and reminding myself of my (many) imperfections.

I confessed one of these sins to my friend yesterday and do you know what? It sounded worse in my head than it did when it fell off of my tongue. Do you know what else? My friend listened to my confession like I was telling her what I have probably told her a million times before. None of us are perfect. Everyone has little parts and pieces that don't come out into the forefront of their lives, that aren't talked about. And because my friend has walked by my side through almost forty years of friendship, she knows who I am is due to the evolution of who I was. She reminded me that I was human. And asked me what I would think of her if she told me the same thing.

Why do we forgive everyone else so easily but we don't forgive ourselves?

Now that was deeper than the backwards spoon stirring moment. I knew there was some depth in my day.

My friend and I talked about everything and nothing. We listened to each other with pure and utter forgiveness and understanding. We talk about the deepest and darkest corners of our lives. We always have. We always will. And after (almost) forty years, I really doubt that our friendship is in jeopardy because of who we once were.

I lived my Daycare Day and discovered something very early in the day. I believe that children are begging to find their limits and are comforted with rules, routine and expectations.

One of my Little People is going on vacation today, after only two days of me returning from my vacation. She will be gone for close to three weeks. So I was walking on eggshells with her. I wanted to make these 'two days back' feel light and easy so that she would be happy to return after her holiday. But do you know what? Her behaviour was (almost) atrocious. Day #1, I tried to let things slide off my back. But three minutes into Day #2, I thought "NO MORE!" I gave her a few chances to come around on her own but when it didn't happen, on the third strike she was out.

She had a time out in the kitchen and her screaming could (probably) be heard a block away. And that is with the doors and windows closed. She had some major frustrations to air. And she aired them. Repeatedly.

I didn't react to her reaction and simply let her vent. Oh, and I turned up the music really loud so that she (may) have thought that I couldn't hear her. Sometimes, I am really only a three-year-old taking care of another three-year-old. Honestly (these are the things that I confess to my friend-who-knows-everything-about-me).

And do you know what? It worked.

My little (almost) three-year-old came out of her time out and the little girl that I know and love returned and the little foreigner who was determined to defy kindness from the day that preceded yesterday? She was gone like the wind.

So there you have it. That was my day.

In summary ...

• Try doing something-that-you-do-every-day just a little bit differently today. I hear that it helps rewire your brain. Besides, it feels kind of cool and makes one wonder about small things.
• Talk openly to someone you know and trust. Tell them the little things that are weighing you down. Get them off your chest. It is the best weight-reduction-plan that I know of. And it feels wonderful.
• Forgive yourself as easily as you forgive others. If you do not forgive others easily, try it. It helps with that weight that is sitting (unnecessarily) upon your shoulders.
• Set limits. Others respect you for it but more importantly, you are respecting yourself when you impose a 'line in the sand' that you will not allow others to cross.
• Vent your frustrations when necessary. If you don't want anyone else to hear it, turn up the radio really, really loud. It lets you be free to be you and sometimes .... we just need to be loved no matter who we are. 
• Liking is optional. Loving is easy. It is looking at the world and remembering that we all came into it as perfect human beings. Trying to blend in and please all of these other imperfect beings messes us up. Remember that. Be true to yourself and you will be true. (that is a new point that was invented because of my previous point; sorry it doesn't relate well to my story telling that preceded it).
• Do your best. If you always do your best, you will not have to forgive yourself for the times the best you once were isn't up to your new standard.

In closing, I will try to remember the three mantras that my Very Good Friend lives by:

1. This too, shall pass
2. When we know better, we do better
3. What will be, will be (and some things are meant to be)

I think that I may have invented a few of those in my hurry to remember our conversation. I may have to check with my Wise Friend and come back later to edit her wisdom. I may be getting wiser by the day but this is necessary because I tend to remember less. Thankfully I am always absorbing as I go.

And with that Great Wisdom, comes a new day. Go out and just do your best with it. It is all that any of us can do. Any day.

It is Like My Holiday Never Happened

Sometimes walking back into life-as-you-know-it after a two week holiday, is just like you never left. Yesterday was a day just like that.

My daycare family walked back through the door yesterday morning. Any hint of missing each other and their life here, over the past two weeks, was erased by stepping back in and recreating life-as-they-had-left-it.

One little one really wanted to cry when her mom left (but was too distracted by the different assortment of toys in the living room.). Another one really, really wanted me to notice how imperfect her playmates were (unfortunately, she recreated their imperfections [times ten] in her reaction to their actions). The third just walked in like it was any other day, oblivious to the actions and reactions of the others.

Within the first half hour, one was sitting in the kitchen in a quiet effort to make her stop 'doing unto others' that had been 'done unto her'. Otherwise known as a time out.

Forty five minutes after that, I looked longingly up at the clock and wished it was nap time. These guys were tired. No, they were exhausted.

I was grateful for the absence of the little dynamo that challenges me on a minute-by-minute basis. These three little girls (acting like sullen teen-agers at the ages of one and two years!) were enough of a challenge on my first day back.

What happened while I was away?

One mom said that the daycare her daughter attended in my absence was without rules or structure and the kids ran wild. Her daughter came home acting in ways that the mother did not condone. This mom was openly grateful that I was back.

Another mom said that though her daughter had lots of fun hanging out with Grandma and relatives, too much of a good thing (lack of routines, structure, regular meals, etc) was not good on a long term basis. She was glad I was back.

The third mom didn't say a lot. Her daughter was the most 'out of control'. I think (perhaps??) her daughter was not happy to be back to her life-as-she-knew-it, here at daycare. Her family starts their three week vacation tomorrow. Perhaps we must all just 'turn the other cheek' for these two days and hope that things are better when she returns from her own vacation.

Today is a new day. I think that it is going to be a busy one. I believe that we will be up to 'five' today [change that to 'four']. Hopefully a few extra playmates [darn, I don't think the one extra that is coming will make the difference that I was hoping for] will help divert the negative energy into positive. I am not holding my breath, but a girl can hope. Can't she? [maybe not]

Perhaps it was just me. I was distracted as I tried to come up with thoughts, words and memories for (yet another) sympathy card that I wanted to send off yesterday morning. All of my energy was not directed towards my daycare crowd.

My day-as-I-expected-it is changing as I sit here. Next Monday-as-I-thought-it-would-be has also taken an unexpected turn.

When life doesn't go according to plan, one must simply go with the flow of wherever it takes you. There really isn't a choice. We can make all the plans in the world and what inevitably unfolds is what is meant to be. That can be a good thing some times.

I'm hoping for the best. May your unexpected turns take you to a better destination today! Let's check in again tomorrow and swap stories. Please?

The Holiday is Over

The holiday is over. It is time to wake up and have a regular, ordinary day-in-my-life. And I am ready. I am ready for (pretty much) anything. But please, Life, do not get too ambitious about what you throw my way. I am truly not that ready!"

My holiday is not quite what I had anticipated. I do not want to say that it was better. It was just unexpectedly different.

I had a leisurely day to bring Daycare back into our world here yesterday. I considered not making any moves in anticipation of this morning but my Youngest Son (wisely) suggested that it may simply make today more stressful than it has to be if I didn't prepare myself (and the house).

My room-with-a-door has been emptied of all of my family research materials and notes. I carefully rearranged all of my work in the spare bedroom that is off limits to my daycare family. I strategically placed the desk in the kitchen so that I can putter with Our Book at my leisure. I can't believe that I am saying this, but it felt good to rearrange my writing area within the hub of our home. I think that will make all the difference in the world, now that I am in the home stretch of this writing project.

The day prior, we 'took back' the downstairs bathroom and one of the drawers in the bathroom upstairs. Now that it has been a month since my Middle Son and his entourage seem to have officially moved out, I thought we could move a few of our things into the space they have vacated. Reclaiming some of our space has given me a whole new lease on life. One day (when I feel very ambitious) I will have to take on the garage...

This holiday has been tinged with 'loss'. Not only my mom's sister, but I found out yesterday that my brother-in-law (from my ex-husband's side) died. He was my husband's youngest brother. My memories of him are when he was young and full of life (and mischief). He was a ring bearer at our wedding. I remembered a photo of him dancing with my niece (they were both about ten years old at the time) so I went to look through our wedding pictures today and I spotted a picture of him dancing beside my aunt that died just six days before him. Brushing shoulders in life, brushing shoulders in death. It gave me the shivers as I stood and gazed at them dancing side by side over thirty six years ago.

I am not loving this part of the stage of life that I am at. A phase where I simply cannot have enough sympathy cards on hand. I do believe that I have handed out nearly as many sympathy cards as birthday cards this year...

On a lighter note (I am all about keeping things light these days - life is getting far too serious!), our Junior Cat has decided to take up his own version of 'office work'. He has been systematically working on pulling the encyclopedias out of the book shelf. I can push them all back into the shelf so they are all nice and even. The next time I look, they look like this (yes, those are claw marks that you see on the book covers!):

And I thought teaching my Daycare Crowd to obey my rules of the land was hard. This guy paroles the house while I sleep and does whatever he darn well pleases!

"Who? Me?? What are you talking about?!!"

I should wrap up this post-that-is-all-over-the-map and going nowhere fast and perhaps I could dust off those encyclopedias (yes, I just noticed the dust after I posted the picture) and get ready for my big day back. I just got a text from one of my moms and her little dynamo is staying home today. So I will ease gently back into my reality.

I'm dipping my toes in, nice and easy. I'm rested and ready and grateful for life-as-I-know-it to be ready and waiting for me this morning. Dust and all. I'm ready!

My Holidays - The Final Day

Twenty four hours from this moment (7:42 a.m., as I write these words), our home will be a-buzz with my Daycare Family once again. My holidays will be all but a memory.

One week ago, I was sitting at this very computer writing a post about our family reunion I had just attended and I was savoring the moments at my disposal before running out the door towards the commitments that filled that day.

One week from now, I will be in the thick of enduring my once-every-five-years colonoscopy. Let the good times roll!

Two months from now, I plan to have my Family Book Project on its way to the printer and all of my research filed neatly away and out of sight.

Three months from today, I will be 'back to work' after (what I can only assume will be) a fun-filled family reunion with my dad's side of the family.

Time. It comes and goes, it ebbs and flows, it creeps by yet it speeds on.

We think we know what to expect as we look at our calendar and tentatively map out our lives but it is really an illusion.

When we wake up each morning and our life unfolds just as we expect it to unfold, we have no idea how fortunate we are.

Waking up to go to a job that is draining you? Think of how you would feel if you were laid off from that job and 'pounding the pavement' (these days, more aptly, pounding your computer keys) looking for a job that provided security, stability, benefits and a future.

Waking up to a family that is pulling you from every direction? Think of how you would feel if one of those very family members were facing a life-threatening illness.

Waking up to a life full of stress, demands and crisis? How would you feel if you woke up to a day that had no direction at all. Day after day, week after week, month after month, year after year.

Waking up to a stiff and achy body, after never really falling asleep? How would you feel if you were waking up in a hospital bed, knowing that you were never going home again?

I know of at least (and in many cases, more) one person that falls into the category of 'one (or more) of the above'.

Every single morning that we wake up, period, is a very good start to a day. When we wake up in our own home, we are blessed. When we are ill and a doctor can pinpoint the cause and fix it, it is miraculous. When we have a life that fulfills and demands us to keep showing up, we are fortunate. To have a job that you can count on, is a fate better than not having said employment. To have a family that is hale and hearty and tugging at your coat sleeves or heart strings is a gift.

Each and every day that I wake up to life-as-I-know-it and live out the day-as-I-expect-it, I count myself as one of the lucky ones.

My holidays may be over but my gratitude for the life that I have waiting for me tomorrow morning (and all of the mornings thereafter) is something I hope that I always appreciate.

I already know that I will look back upon these days as 'the good ol' days'. So why not appreciate them while I am living them?

It isn't always easy to be grateful for that-which-brings-you-down. Sometimes we have the power to make a change, sometimes we don't. But as the Serenity Prayer says, "... grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; the courage to change the things I can; and the wisdom to know the difference".

I wish you serenity in your world. Today, last week, next week, three months from now and each morning when you wake up.

From the Heart

I seem to be unable to find the time to finish a blog post these days. I just went back and 'finished what I started' several days ago. I (finally) completed and posted a few incomplete thoughts. Normally I would walk away and abandon them but I felt committed in following through on the thoughts that I had written down. Today, I felt just a little bit differently about those abandoned posts.

Mom seems to have appointed me as the family wordsmith when it comes to 'writing just a little something' to go along with the single rose that she likes to leave in memory when 'seeing off a loved one' at a funeral. I abandoned my blog-post-in-progress to write that 'little something' a few days ago.

I should have expected Mom to ask this of me (in reality, I offered) and had something prepared. But I didn't think of it until I got the call asking if I could pick up some flowers. Whoops. I had not scheduled that particular task into my day.

I never quite know what is going to fall off of my fingertips when I sit down in front of an empty canvas computer screen. What I ended up with, was not what I set out to write. But when I just follow the direction of my fingertips, I find that they are often what most-needs-to-be-written.

I think that my fingers are attached to my heart when I let them fly uninhibited. When I think too much, their attachment is to my head. Not the same end result. I prefer the results that come from the heart.

I love when small inconsequential thoughts become something 'real'. A few words that I heard on the radio directed my thoughts where they needed to be when I wrote those words to my aunt's family. I took the round about way to find my way to the end, but when I reread the final result yesterday (I wrote this on the fly and left the proofreading and final 'okay' to my family members while I raced around the house and got ready to leave), I was pleased with what my fingers had to say.

Thankfully, I did write this quickly. If Mom had given me advance notice (or if I would have thought of it sooner), I would have thought too much. It would have come from my head instead of my heart. And I like what my heart has to say much more than my head.

This same thought process is what has led me to my most favorite memories. That which I have done without over thinking. That quick email or phone call or note that I have written have produced far better outcomes than those I have toiled and struggled over. Impromptu invitations or 'great ideas' which have been issued in a moment of 'just doing it', verses thinking and talking myself out of something before I can utter the words.

The Years of Changing Careers were the most over thought years of my recent life. They were also the hardest to endure. I am finally back in the place where I am following my whims and living the good life. A life that is attached to my heart.

It is a very good place to be.

The After Shock

My vacation-thus-far has been driven by my tentative schedule of expectations-of-myself, appointments, a family reunion and a slight change of plans as our family gathered one more time to attend my aunt's funeral.

All-in-all, it has been a very family oriented holiday, with my down-time (supposedly) invested in assembling my dad's family history book. The gift of this book is the unexpected emails or phone calls or visits from my family. Even when I was savoring the quiet of some unexpected days at home, the time was sprinkled generously with all-things-family.

My mom's extended stay meant that she (and me, by extension) had the time to drop by and visit with each one of my sons and admire their respective works-in-progress within their lives and homes.

I have been immersed in my dad's family's memories (resulting in this bonus company and interaction); a family reunion with Mom, my siblings and their children; my mom's sister's funeral (a reunion of a slightly different nature but a 'reunion' all the same); my own children; and a bonus visit from my brother and his wife (who had been unable to attend our own family reunion).

I have been completely and totally immersed in family - from all sides of our family. It has felt as natural as breathing to be so completely surrounded in family, phone calls and personal contact.

Then suddenly, I walked in the door at the end of my Final Farewell (coffee and a donut on the outskirts of the city) as I saw off my mom, my brother and his wife this afternoon. My heart sunk with a thunk so loud that I think I heard it land on the kitchen floor.

I was home. I stepped back into life-as-I-know-it-and-expect-it--to-be, with no up and coming family reunions or plans or gatherings. I was exactly where I wanted to be. Except I didn't want it to feel this way!

I felt like I was walking through a deep and dark bog as I made my way down the hallway to find the sheets that I needed to wash. One. forward. step. at. a. time. I can do hard things. Just keep moving forward. I kept urging myself.

It was hard work but I was doing it. I had just hit the point in my day where hunger was guiding me and I heard (what I thought was) the sound of a car door closing in close proximity to our kitchen window. And that is exactly what it was!

I was so excited that I could barely contain my joy when I saw my Middle Son and His Girlfriend open the back gate and walk in. "Family! Family!! Oh, how I have missed you so!!" I enthusiastically greeted said son and girlfriend. I think My Son thought he had come to the wrong house. He has never been greeted in such a fashion.

"Come in! Sit down! Do you want a drink? I was just going to make myself some cheese and nachos!!" Hmmm, a joyous greeting, hospitality and the offering of food?!? Just who is this person, My Son must have thought.

My Son, His Girlfriend and Their Two Dogs unofficially moved out (it all started as 'a weekend at the farm' and they simply never came home, other than to pick up mail or what-they-needed ever since) on July 4th. We are almost at our one month anniversary of independent living and I was so lonely for their company. Most especially after the descent back to earth after my family-oriented holiday.

We sat down at the table and visited like long, lost friends. We talked about nothing and something and everything all at the same time. It was lovely.

The flow of words started to slow down and I felt My Son's body language signalling that the time had come for them to say good-bye. But he wasn't saying it. We chatted about things-that-don't-matter for a little while longer. Then he said it, "Are you okay if we leave now? We really have to get home to our puppies..."

Yes, I was fine again. All was right in my world. My globe was back on its axis and spinning ever-so-gently to the rhythm of life-as-I-know-it.

It was time to 'come home' again. Home to the life we live each and every day. I had missed it so. I was so grateful that it - our home, my Youngest Son, our Two Cats and my uncompleted book project were all present and accounted for. I just had to step back in where I last left off.

I can't begin to imagine the void that I will feel when this Family Book Project ends. It will leave a cavern of emptiness in its wake. It has been the best family reunion of all. But it is getting heavy. Very heavy. And I must return to the process of putting the final two words to it (that My Brother so generously offered to me, to finish off the book) "The End".

Except, it will not be The End. It will simply be The Beginning of the next chapter/book of our lives. Life is never-ending. Even when it (seemingly) ends. That is what the (far too many) funerals that I have attended this year has taught me. It is all about the memories.

Make memories whenever you can. Document them in some fashion so that you can leaf back on those happier times when you are feeling a little lost. Cherish those moments-in-time that cost not a penny, but are priceless in their value. For when you are faced with the after shock of living life-as-you-know-it again, you are rich when you have those memories to draw on.

The Gift of a Day (or Two)

I have been allowing myself to coast through these unexpected days at home. According to the Original Plan, I was not even going to be home right now so I have allowed myself to simply go with the flow of the days and they have not taken me far. But they have filled me up with exactly what I needed.

Bonus Day #1 - I had great intentions. I sat down with my Family Book Project and worked at that for several hours.

Then pure and utter exhaustion hit. I was bobbing and weaving at the computer and I thought to myself, "You don't have to do this to yourself!"

Senior Cat found his way to my side and simply sat down on the floor beside me. He gazed lovingly into my eyes from the distance that spanned between us. And he purred. Loudly. So I took him up on his invitation to have a Cat Day with him. I sat down in front of the TV and I woke up many hours later (with Senior Cat nestled into the crook of my bent legs). Sleep never felt so good.

I rested long and hard enough that I was actually fully conscious and awake for the remainder of the day. Sometimes? That is enough. Just coast ...

Bonus Day #2 - I woke up with Great Intentions. Instead, I followed the path that was laid out before me and simply inhaled the day. I read words that I needed/wanted to ingest. I listened to a speaker tell me what-I-most-needed-to-hear. The world held such great interest to me and I breathed it in.

Then I followed a different path of Small Intentions. As I seem to hold the unofficial title of Gatherer of Family Memories, I have a treasure trove of memories, pictures and even a video of my aunt who just passed away. I am not big on giving flowers at a time of loss but I am a great believer of sharing memories. I gathered them all up and lost myself in memories for the remainder of the day.

I ended up with a small enveloped stuffed to the brim with memories-of-my-aunt to give to her family and the gift of a day immersed in said memories. It was a most pleasant and memorable way to spend an afternoon. At the end of it all, I tied a yellow ribbon around the overstuffed envelope and smiled quietly to myself as the lyrics of "Tie a Yellow Ribbon" wafted through my mind. "I'm comin' home, I've done my time..." - an apt and lyrical way to think of, as I quietly honored my aunt that day.

I was 'supposed to be in Edmonton' those days, so they were lost to me (in a productive family-book-project-kind-of-way) anyway. I feel that I invested my bonus time wisely.

Sometimes you simply need to 'bloom where you are planted'. I was transplanted within my very own home for a few days that I expected to be elsewhere. Home, the place that I most-want-to-be, has become a work-zone (as I continue to wade through the immense-ness of this Family Book Project) during this holiday. The gift of those unexpected days was a Cat Day with one of my most favorite felines in this world and a day invested in breathing in the day and immersing myself in the memories of laughter and joyous times spent with my aunt and her family. These weren't the 'blossoms' that I expected to find within those particular days but they were glorious in their own right and a most pleasant surprise.

Life is a little bit like taking a mixture of flower seeds and tossing them into the soil where you are standing. Some of those seeds lie dormant, others bloom immediately, there are a few weeds in the batch but the greatest gifts are those that you do not expect. The flowers that bloom on an overcast day are the best flowers of all.

Sprinkle those seeds generously. That which you need to find often appears right in your own back yard. Just keep looking...