A Tooth Story

I woke up feeling "ickky" this morning. Not sick, not sad, not overwhelmed, not angry, frightened or paralyzed. Just plain old "ickky".

My dominant thoughts are revolving around my Tooth Saga. I need to find a metaphor for what this tooth has done to me, my thinking and my reality. Maybe if I write it out, I will find a string within this story of mine. Maybe I'll just vent and release. I have no idea where these fingers are going to take me this morning but let's just say we'll find out together.

It all started with a tooth ache. A very real, painful, tangible tooth ache. Where there is pain, there must be a "fix", right? This was my theory at the beginning of my tale. Simple! Make an appointment with the dentist, fix the tooth and life goes on.

Except it didn't quite go that way.

Imagine my surprise when the dentist told me he could not see any reason for my pain. He had a few hypotheses and he didn't accuse me of faking my pain but I walked out of the office wondering if I just made it up or if I was entering the phase of not being worthy of being repaired.

The toothache diminished on its own and I felt like a fraud. Life went on. Until it didn't.

When (a few weeks later) part of a filling fell out of the tooth that had been aching, I felt victorious and validated. There WAS a reason for my pain after all. Now, my dentist could fix me up and I would be on my way. The end.

Except it wasn't.

The dentist found a crack in my tooth when he went to fill it. He referred me to an endodontist and threw around terms like "bridge" and "implant" and sent me on my merry way. His only advise to me was "Be careful with your tooth", which I interpreted to mean "Don't chew on that side of my mouth". He did NOT say don't floss and everything under the sun was getting caught up on that rough filling. So I flossed. I flossed that filling right out of my mouth.

One would assume that would be when the tooth ache would return. Except it didn't.

I called to make an appointment to get my filling repaired. Then I started questioning every little thing. WHY was I getting referred to a specialist? What insurance coverage did I have? What was I signing when I signed the release forms saying "There is no guarantee that a root canal would work"? Who was talking about a root canal anyway??

My instincts told me, "Just go get the tooth pulled and be done with it". The professionals told me, "You will NOT regret knowing for sure, whether or not your root can be saved". I surveyed the audience around me (everyone I talked to between that time and my specialist appointment) and the survey said, "PULL THE TOOTH!"

I ignored my instincts, I ignored the survey results and yesterday morning I left the house bright and early to go to see the specialist. And the specialist said, "A tooth like that cannot be saved". The tooth is ready to break off. He could see that with his bare eye (though two X-rays were taken to ensure my bill was adequately large, I'm sure ... no, I'm not. I'm certain it is just their procedure to X-ray first, examine second so the doctor has everything he needs at his fingertips without having to back track).

My question was, "Why in the world did I need to go to a specialist and pay specialist prices which my insurance does NOT cover, in order to tell me what this doctor could see with his bare eyes??"

I walked out of that office angry. Anger is better than pain I suppose. I felt used and abused. I don't know what I fear most. A dentist who is too inexperienced to make the call to pull my tooth so he referred me to a professional. Or a dentist who is in the business for the sake of making money off of referrals.

In either case, I woke up this morning feeling (for the first time since I was a child) fearful about "what comes next".

What if I have an inexperienced dentist, the tooth crumbles as it is being removed and he can't pull the roots because they detached from the tooth and he has to go digging for them? AAARGH!!

What do I do? Do I call the dentist's office and confess my fears? Or my anger? This specialist appointment will cost me about $150 AFTER my insurance pays me what is covered. $150.00 I cannot afford to spend right now. I want a full refund. But do I ask for that refund and voice my frustration before they pull the tooth? Or after? Because I am also very afraid I have a new dentist who will need to consult a specialist when the tooth shatters and he is scrambling to pull roots which are not attached to anything.

Am I overthinking this? Possibly so. What if this "broken tooth" results in a hemorrhage and this is the end of my story? The end. I hope my estate fights for the $150.00 I could not and did not want to and highly questioned paying in the first place.

Okay, there has to be a moral to this story, right? That is why I sit down and write here. Because I usually make write myself into circles and find a happy little ending or lesson to take away from all of this.

This is what I know for sure:

When your body is in pain, it is telling you something is wrong. LISTEN.
When the experts tell you there is no reason for your pain, ask them to LOOK FURTHER.
When your instincts and "the survey says", "DON'T DO IT!!", heed that call.

But those very same instincts woke me up in fear this morning. I don't like where this path is leading. Not one bit.

In the olden days, I had a cavity and the dentist filled it. As I aged, those cavities and teeth began to fall out or break, so I got crowns. My wonder-dentist (I wrote about him here) crowned every molar in my head except this one. Why? I really hate to think about what this whole "tooth saga" is headed. 

Have I reached the age and stage of my life where I lose all of my teeth? 
Will my recurring dreams of spitting out my teeth start occurring again? 
Will I get compensated for throwing away $150.00 in specialist fees, that I could ill afford to spend in the first place?
Will I die in the dentist's chair? Or will he just refer me to another specialist when the going gets tough?

These are the questions I do not have answers for this morning. It's no wonder I woke up feeling "ickky". I guess that is all I learned here this morning. 

Thanks for listening...

To be continued. I hope.

Messages From the World

I think the world is always speaking to us. Sometimes we are open to hear the messages and other times, the wisdom of the world around us passes us by. When we are too busy focusing on the moment we are in and in survival mode, we aren't as open to receive the messages we that are all around us.

After a quiet Sunday of trying to regain my perspective and turning it into a day of wondering "What in the world are you going to do next?!!" and trying my best not to panic, I woke up to a Monday full of words, wisdom and connections to shift my focus.

The first words that found their way to me was my daily dose of "Project Happiness.com":

I was reminded that I AM doing the right thing. I needed to change my "career path" because all I could think of before I gave notice that I was closing my daycare doors was "How much longer do I have to do this?" "I can't do this for the rest of my life" and the only relief I could see was a shortened life expectancy. You KNOW you are in the wrong job when you think you would rather die young, than carry on as you have been. DANGER! DANGER!! DANGER!!! 

No matter where things go from here, I do know that where I am is better than where I was. I am living life in the moment and it is a much better place than looking too far ahead or focused on where I have been. One step in a forward direction will take me closer to where I am going. I just don't know where I am going quite yet ...

Then this message from COURAGEworks.com found its way to me:

After spending too much time focusing on the jobs I didn't feel qualified for, I continued to dream of finding a way to continue working for myself. I have ideas. I am not certain if they are marketable or if I can sustain myself financially on them but I have ideas. Where there is a spark, there is hope. If I do the right things for the right reasons, I will have the passion behind my actions to ignite that spark. I think...

Then I made a phone call to the student loan office to talk to them about my debt, my future, my ability to repay and wanting to ensure I made the right moves so my actions of today don't negatively affect my future.

The person on the other end of the phone wore angel's wings. Of that, I am quite certain. These are a few of the things she told me. "NOW is the time to return to school!" "Find out what grants your province offers for women entrepreneurs." "Follow what you feel passionate about and you will be great at it!"

Here I was, talking to a person who could just as easily have said, "Get a job. Get ANY job! You must repay this student loan or your future could be jeopardized!!" Instead, she reiterated what has been resonating deep within me. "Don't go where you feel you HAVE to go. Follow your passion. It will take you where you NEED to go."

When you are open to new thoughts and ideas, they find their way to you. The positive messages of the world are always there and trying to find their way into your world, your thinking and your subconscious mind. I love when the world around me makes me feel safe enough to open myself and my thinking to allow what I need to hear into my world.

If you listen, it will come ...

Panic Stricken

Breathe deeply. One forward step at a time. Don't panic. There is little you can change right now. Just keep doing the next right thing.

Sitting down with the reality of my budget is a little bit sobering at the moment. I was doing just fine until "real life" stepped in and now I must contend with a broken tooth, a broken window and hoping the "third" (you know how bad things supposedly happen in three's?) item on that list was replacing the weather stripping our cat chewed up.

I felt like I was being proactive when I started selling off my daycare excesses. I felt like I was in control when I stopped all extra-curricular spending immediately. I was certain the quiet would come and I would find my answers. But I haven't stopped long enough to hear and feel the quiet. So just a little bit of panic is setting in.

I felt a little bit paralyzed yesterday. I should have been digging into closets and reorganizing "my life" a little bit. Yesterday was the day I could have cleared out a room to make room for whatever is heading my way. Instead, I peeked into my son's room as he gave up a handful of items he is willing to put up for sale and thought "Man, we have a very long way to go!"

I've come so far. I can't stop now. Why did I freeze up yesterday? Was it the fact that it was just a one day weekend? Was it because my crazy-busy week caught up with me and my head was spinning with all the activity, people and words which were tossed into six short days?

Maybe I wasn't ready to be with people yet because the question of the hour was, "So what are you going to do next?" I didn't have an answer. I felt foolish for admitting that I honestly didn't know. My pipe dreams of "If I build it, they will come" felt very "Field of Dreamish" when I started speaking the words. Writing the words is another thing.

Writing empowers me. Speaking depletes me. I think I need to hunker down and isolate myself so I can hear my own thoughts again. Last week was amazing. I loved every moment of it. But at the end of it all, I was empty. I wasn't ready to admit my plan relied on faith and faith alone quite yet.

I know I need to take one step in a forward direction. I just don't want to backtrack and wish I hadn't stepped out before I was ready. I will do the quiet work by myself first. Then I will take one step outside my box, with one foot planted safely on stable ground.

It has only been two weeks. I have only missed one pay cheque so far. I'm still in the black. I'm still okay. This is going to be an expensive week as the dentist tells me "where we go from here" and the window guys bill me for the cost of one act of vandalism which I shouldn't have to absorb. When I was making the "big bucks", these things didn't bother me. I just rolled with the expenses and carried on. I will do the same this week. In fact, I have these expenses fully covered simply by selling off my daycare assets.

I'm okay. I will continue to be okay. This I know for sure. I'm just a little bit afraid of flying rocks and biting down too hard right now. It will all work out in the end. And if it hasn't, it is not yet the end ...

Brainstorming

My present day reality is seeping into my every thought these days. This isn't what I wanted. I wanted to breathe deeply, get very quiet, move about my life in a fashion that opened my mind, doors and opportunities I had never thought of before started coming to the surface. Sitting still with a laptop on my knee typing the words "56 years old looking for a job" unveiled truths I don't want to focus on, so I reworded my Google search to "56 year old success stories self employed work".

I can't stop considering the idea that I want our house to "pay its way" so the idea of renting out a room or two keeps creeping into my thoughts. I have considered everything to renting out the main floor of our home, to having someone else run a daycare out of our house (not a good idea), to renting a room to a student or an international home stay program. I keep falling back to the idea of renting a room and sharing space to a fully independent adult who cooks, cleans and fends for themselves.

I am not used to sharing our home with anyone who isn't related to me or under the age of 4, so there could would be a very, very steep adjustment curve. But I think I must find a way to adapt, otherwise "panic" will soon start to seep into every crevice of my state of semi-retirement planning.

Yes, I prefer to think of this as a semi-retirement. I definitely do not want to work six days a week but I would love to find a way to work four days. Monday to Thursday one week; Tuesday to Friday the next would be somewhat ideal. Alternating between a two day and four day weekend every other week could be something I think I could get used to.

The ability to be flexible sounds best of all worlds. I am not quite sure how I'm going to manage it but thankfully I don't have to decide today. Maybe I should get back to emptying out closets, creating wide open spaces and seeing what I have to market this week. I feel like I'm stuck in limbo so sitting still in this state of mind is not a good thing.

I have two black cats trying to convince me to hang out and have a "cat day" with them. This is so very tempting but I think I'd better start moving. I'm not loving the paralysis I start to feel when I sit still too long.

Moving is the best way to keep the thoughts flowing. Forward is the only direction to go. Onward! Let the ideas flow ...

Be a Lighthouse

I found the light within myself and suddenly, I seem to find myself surrounded with people, invitations and social contact like rarely before. What is going on here?

It started small. I extended a few invitations to my children and there was sporadic acceptance but most of all, the seed that was planted was "hope". "I would have come if ..." instead of a comfortable "Thanks, but no thanks" to an invitation in my half hearted attempt to try to have my family sit together at one table.

Invitations that were comfortable were accepted. I get that. I so get that! When saying "yes" is hard, I like the invitation to draw me in. Different things draw different people. But in the course of two weekends, I sat down with all three of my sons at a supper table. Two different tables, but it was still a success in my books. I see it as three out of three "yeses". That is okay with me.

That was preceded and followed by other invitations. Some easy yeses, other more difficult yeses. But I said "yes" to all. And it was good. I have a great love of staying home, sequestered in quiet, safety without the need to be, say or do anything. The love of staying comfortable was overruled by the desire to peek out of my fortress of solitude and test out the waters. The water was fine.

Doing hard things is becoming easier. Not so long ago, when I dared to push myself out of my comfort zone, every movement was painful. Leaving the house. Arriving. Talking. How do I get out of here? I was looking for a quick and easy exit so I could hightail it back into my den of comfort. I did it. But it was so hard. I started to say "no" (but thank you) when the going got too rough.

Over the course of the past few months, the spark within me has been lit and it has burst into a flame. I'm somewhat fearful of what will happen when I stop fanning the flame and feeding the fire within. Change always does this for me. I can't go turning my world upside down every time I slip into the blues, so there is a wariness about this fire. But for now, the fire is burning and I even see some embers that will keep it going if it dies down. Embers are good. Embers are better than sparks or the continual need to "feed the fire".

This week has been full of family, conversation, inviting people into my world and accepting invitations that have taken me out of my oasis. A few short months ago, the mere thought of a "week like this" would have brought me to my knees. The need to hold up my end of a conversation, reach out, get to know a new person and have the ability to be still and simply listen was out of reach. I tried. A little. But it was simply so much easier to grab my blanket, curl up on the couch and numb myself with TV, snack foods and sleep.

I still find myself longing to go back to that place of great comfort but there seems to be less time to spend in that space of numbing myself. This is good.

I have been in unfamiliar and uncomfortable places, meeting new people and holding conversations that aren't commonplace for me. And it's been okay. In fact, I'm embarrassing myself a little bit. I am too bubbly, too talkative, too ... much. "Rein it in, girl!" runs through my mind as words spew from my mouth and I seem unable to harness the exuberance I'm feeling. But I just keep overflowing. I exhaust myself so I cannot begin to comprehend how exhausting I may be, to be around.

Then this morning, this arrived in my inbox (thank you "ProjectHappiness.com"!):

"Be a lighthouse. Stand where you are and let your light shine so bright that others may see their way out of the dark. Trust that, like moths to a flame, those seeking the light will meet you there. 'Everything changes when you start to focus on emitting your own energy frequency rather than absorbing or lowering yourself to match the frequencies around you'."

Maybe I'm just standing still shining and others are finding their way to me. I need to focus on my own energy force. I do know that I felt badly about feeling so good when so many others are dealing with so much more than I. Maybe I smothered my own flame until it died out altogether. I have been letting the sadness of the world around me in too much. I need to find a middle ground. I need listen with an open heart, be still with the world's pain and discomfort without letting it extinguish my fire. I must take that discomfort and become active with it. Pain without action is painful. Pain that stimulates action provides purpose and keeps the flame burning.

Be a lighthouse. I like those words and the visual that goes along with it. I'm going to try and share this newfound light with the world around me and savor whatever and whoever it may attract.

Where Have All My Writers Gone?

I follow about eight blog writers religiously. I wake up in the morning, make my morning smoothie, grab my cup of coffee and sit down at the computer in anticipation of reading their words. Half of those writers used to update their blog an a (nearly) daily basis. The other few had semi-regular posts so it was always good to check in, just in case there was a surprise post. And there often were. Out of my regular bloggers, only one of them still updates on a semi-regular daily basis. The periodic updaters seem to have all but stopped blogging. Most of them have moved onto updating their Facebook statuses instead.

I'm not a great fan of Facebook. Yes, it has its place and I have found inspiration, a few lost friends, corresponded via private messages and connected in an up close and personal way. Yes, it is a nice way to keep tabs on what is important within your friend's lives. Yes, it is a nice way to share news or frivolous little observations about life that is important to you or strikes your funny bone. But I don't want to "live" there. I don't want to have to go their to find my morning sustenance. When I sit down in the morning, I look forward to the "stories" my bloggers have to tell. They don't have to be deep and thought provoking every time. They don't have to be "anything" all of the time. I just love sitting down with my morning smoothie and reading a little bit of something that someone I enjoy listening to has to share with the world. I look forward to it.

I am trying (and not succeeding too terribly well) rid myself of the Facebook habit. I have "unfollowed" everyone I know, every group I've joined or liked and my Facebook feed is down to the "Gilmore Girls". I don't want to miss out on the excitement of the countdown to the Gilmore Girls reunion at the end of November. So they get to stay.

I can still sit down and check in on my friend's new posts (and I do), but I enjoy waking up to an empty Facebook page. I sit and fritter away far too much time scrolling. I don't want to dig to find morsels of writing by my favorite writers on Facebook. I much prefer finding them in their own little corner of the blogging world. It is much more of a "sit down and get to know you" place.

In fact, I would like to get the courage to close down my Facebook page altogether but my on-line auction sites are through Facebook so that is my excuse for staying. At least for now.

Inspiration can still be found whichever way you look on the Internet. TED Talks, YouTube interviews with those who inspire me and tracking down articles written by my favorite authors are all still viable sources of "sustenance" for me. But honestly? Sometimes (like always) I don't want to have to work so hard to find what I want I'm looking for. In the morning, I don't want to be assaulted by audio/video. I want to read. I love the quietness and thoughtfulness that goes into the reading process.

I miss the daily updates from my favorite bloggers. I have been tracking them down via their Facebook feed but it just isn't the same. Facebook (in my mind) is more about the social contact and instant feedback. I can get lost reading the comments and I forget to think for myself as I listen to the way everyone else interpreted a quick update from an excellent writer and spokesperson.

Facebook is like fast food. It is quick, easy, fills a void and keeps you coming back for more. Blogging is more of a "let's sit down and eat a five course meal together". You sit, you converse, you laugh and you walk away from the table with more than the food sustaining you. You aren't searching the cupboards for "more" after a real meal. Facebook keeps drawing you back, just like I'm always searching for snacks immediately after a fast food meal. It's addictive, it's not good for you on a daily basis and there is a hollowness that never quite fills the void.

Facebook, I am so almost over you. We would be done if it weren't for the fact that my favorite authors are hooked on you and I can't find their daily input anywhere else. Bloggers rejoice. Please keep coming back for the "meat and potatoes" and the real meal deals. I miss you...

Best. Weekend. Ever!

"Balance" is everything when it comes to my happy factor. Filling myself up with a little work, play, soul fulfilling and family time during a weekend (or any given day) and life is pretty much perfect. And such was this past long weekend.

I had one good, productive day of bookkeeping. It filled the day, I picked up supper, came home and crashed on the couch. But it was good. My work there was done. I would wake up to two more days off to follow. Oh, what one can do with TWO days!

I started each weekend day filling up on all things Brené and Glennon. Brené Brown and Glennon Doyle Melton, unbeknownst to them, are two of my soul sisters. In my mind we are the best of friends. I love hanging out with them and lucky for me, they have teamed up and created an on-line course "The Wisdom of Story" on CourageWorks.com. It's great. I could listen to them all day. But I settled for an hour or so. I filled up my soul and carried on.

Sunday morning, I had coffee with a friend who lives five hours away. She was nestled up inside her world, I was snug and cozy in mine. We picked up the phone and chatted like the good friends we are. An hour and a half with the first sister I adopted of my own. We were "related" by marriage. The marriage didn't last but our sister-in-law relationship has transcended time, distance and several life transitions. I thoroughly enjoyed our coffee date.

Then came the work.

I spent the remainder of Sunday culling, sorting, photographing and marketing the excessive daycare wares within our home. I can't believe how long it is taking to get down to what I call a "bare minimum" which is still more than any one child could ever need in a home or daycare environment. I thought this past weekend would be it. I was pulling out the "dregs" of what I have left to sell. I was convinced I could put it all up for auction. I have 27 children's items up for sale this week. Since I was "clearing out" my children's merchandise, I started adding some items to another household auction. I put 11 more items up for sale there. Total bids as of 8:45 last night were $215.00. The auction ends tonight and judging by the activity on these auctions, I suspect there will be a last minute flurry of activity and my final sales will jump from last night's total. It is a time consuming little task but I have achieved my goal of selling $1000.00 worth of belongings within 6 weeks instead of my forecast of  15 to 16 weeks to reach that total.

It was another good day's work. In fact I seem to be making a game out of this purging and selling habit I've developed. I'm thinking maybe my next career could be hiring myself out to help people purge their excess, with a clause within the contract stating I could sell whatever I found marketable for my own profit. Food for thought ...

Then I woke up to Thanksgiving Day morning. My work here was done. I could put my feet up and relax. Which I did. All morning. All I had to do was tidy the house for company, run out and buy food to serve for supper, then throw it all together, call it a meal and enjoy my company for the evening.

Well! The thing about clearing out the excess is the energy and motivation that follows. I stepped out of my cozy little oasis and did "one small thing". I believe that thing was to open up the closet doors within the laundry room to see what progress I was making there, when I realized I should clean the air exchanger. Then change the furnace filter. Why not dust, sweep and vacuum the laundry room (please note, I have not YET used the term "clean") while I was right there?

Low and behold, I found one of the missing cat toys behind the deep freeze which sent me on a mission. I ran upstairs, pulled out the oven and found no more cat toys but I did find enough cat hair to warrant literally vacuuming my way out of the laundry room, up the stairs and in behind the oven. I don't even know if I had moved the oven back against the wall when I decided I may as well pull out the fridge too. I don't want to admit how long it has been since I've done that. I've thought long and hard about it a few times over the course of the past few years but actions did not follow (in my defence, I have invested in a yard stick for the purpose of retrieving lost cat toys from under the stove and fridge and it does a very decent job at clearing out the cat hair while I'm at it).

This was crazy. My supper guests were going to be arriving in two hours and I was still in my pajamas, hadn't bought groceries nor had a shower. I felt like Mr. Incredible as he races off to save the world a few or three times while he is trying to make it to the church in time to get married. "I still have time" he says in his deep, super hero voice as he catches a few more criminals and saves a cat that was stuck in a tree along his way.

And I still hadn't scoured the bathroom or shone up the kitchen. Yikes! I was losing the battle.

I was still peeling the last of the potatoes when my company arrived. Thankfully 90% of my meal was pre-cooked or came our of a box, bag or baked goods container. All I basically had to do was just add water" (or not), heat and stir.

Voila!! We sat down to a meal well cooked (thank you Co-op deli department!) and our small, cozy family Thanksgiving supper.

I was some kind of exhilarated after such a perfectly balanced weekend of work, play, friendship and family. I sat down at the tail end of a fulfilling weekend and just exhaled. It was good. It was so good.

And the good just keeps getting better! After my guests left, I found a text message from my cousin from Ontario. She obviously must have intended to send this message to someone else, but I replied with great enthusiasm and excitement when answering her question "Will you be home tomorrow morning? I just have to drop my husband off at the airport and I'll stop by for coffee..." Hilarious, I thought. Her husband is a pilot and works out of Toronto. She obviously thought she was texting my uncle. I replied that "Of COURSE I would be home and love to have coffee!", and laughed as I added "You do know you are texting 'Colleen, in Saskatoon', do you?" And she replied that YES! She did mean to text me and that her husband was heading home from their visit to see her parents and she was staying a little longer.

Well, knock me over with a feather! I have company coming this morning!! And with my daycare crowd of "one", we should be able to work in a very good visit. AND (and this is the best part), I added "Stay for lunch! I have chicken on a bun and pumpkin pie!" I never have ready-made offerings of food to offer. Never!

If you make it, they will come ...

And they did.