I Can Do Hard Things!

I can do hard things. Unfortunately my definition of "hard" has become easier to attain but I'm going to give myself a little break here because there for a while, even "easy" was hard. So I'm lowering my standards a little in the hope of gradually reestablishing myself on some firmer ground before I reset the bar.

I slipped into a pretty good case of the doldrums over the winter. I was rewriting my life and had upended one firmly established form of income with a great deal of faith that all would work out in the end.

The middle of this story is bleak. I kept trying to talk myself into believing it was going to work out okay. I said all the right things to myself. But I couldn't quiet the incessant voice of fear that wouldn't stop whispering in my ear.

I was exactly where I was meant to be. I knew it in my heart. Life kept unfolding in unexpected ways and I was available to simply be where I most needed and wanted to be. But the moment I wasn't feeling "needed", I lost my way.

It has been a gentle climb to solid ground ever since.

As I reflected on these words and rewound "the middle of the story" in my mind, I searched for clues as to what I was feeling in the deep, dark dire moments of the most recent winter in my life.

I unearthed last year's calendar and two documents I wrote while I was in the state of nowhere. I read what I wrote at the time and I can see how I WAS actually exactly where I needed to be. Even in my most uncomfortable moments.

Sometimes, life simply hands you a "mirror". You are unhappy with yourself, the moment and the past, present and future. You are stuck and you feel the quicksand of life pulling you down. You don't know how to save yourself until you see someone you love right beside you fighting the same battle. And somehow, unknowingly you pull yourself up, shake yourself off, find your sea legs again and simply take one step in a forward direction.

The state of inertia is the worst place in the world for me to be. The state of unknowing. The state of fear and despair. The mere act of doing nothing is worse than taking a step in the wrong direction. Taking one step in any direction is better than standing still and going under.

I looked in one of the many mirrors I had within the small little world I had created for myself at the time. In the act of trying to find the answers for someone else, I found a twig which was rooted in solid ground. I pulled myself to safety. I look back to that moment in time and I look at the present. I know the single act of "saving myself" wasn't all it took to get from "there" to "here", but I look now and I see two people pulled out of that pit of despair.

I was just starting to see the light when I wrote these words:

"I think the world is laughing in my face as I deem to believe I truly have any control over the way things will unfold from this point onward. I think this is why my feeling of being "lost at sea" is driving me. Because I truly believe I will not find my answers by searching the internet, working on my financial spreadsheets, gazing at calendars looking for direction. 

When you feel lost at sea, where do you look? Upwards. Find the North star to guide you. Looking in any one direction of endless sea, any direction you choose is a gamble. Perhaps a gamble worth taking, but perhaps it would be more prudent to follow a wayward bird in the direction of dry land. You won't find a bird anywhere but in the sky. Look upwards. Stop fearing what you don't know. Keep hydrated and perhaps keep wearing that life jacket. But "look up"..."

I read the words I wrote, looked at the calendar beside me and see how every single step I have taken since that day has been a step in a  positive direction. There have been detours and obstacles. But this time, I didn't let that stop me. This time, the detours did not distract me from my destination.

Once before, a similar set of circumstances completely derailed me and I never did get back on that particular set of tracks. Life keeps presenting you with lessons. What I didn't learn the first time around, I believe I conquered the second time.

How many times this lesson has been repeated prior to the two that are most prevalent in my mind is anyone's guess. The time you succeed is the time to remember and celebrate. And now? I am fully prepared for life to present its next lesson to me. I suspect I won't enjoy it in the moment, but if I can overcome and prevail, it will be an uncomfortable lesson well learned.

Because I can do hard things. So can you!

That said, I think I'm going to tackle one of the hardest things of all. I am going to book an appointment to get my hair cut. To be continued...

A Day in the Life of Our Cats

I woke up early this morning and I still don't have words worth putting out into the world. I don't know if it is a matter of too much thinking and too much inaction OR if I simply have too much interaction within my world these days. But I really don't have a lot of spare thoughts left over at the end of a day. So I have resorted to a "cat day" kind of post.

These two black critters bring no end of joy into our little world here. As the pictures to follow suggest, they do spend a lot of time lazing about. So perhaps it is no wonder "Jet", otherwise know as our bored little cat, gets into trouble some days with all of his restless energy.

Same cats, different sleeping poses. I love how Ray flips onto his back when he is in full-out relaxed mode. For a cat that is scared of "everything", his prone position on his back always brings a smile to my face and lights up the moment.

These "hugging moments" are brought to you compliments of Ray. If Jet is snoozing and Ray comes up to him and nestles in, there is usually some mutual cat face, ears, neck washing that follows. It sometimes ends in a cat nap together. Or in this case, Ray is simply hugging a sleeping Jet and awaiting his face wash.

I wake up to Jet by my side more often than not. It is really no wonder why I have a hard time crawling out of bed when these guys make sleeping look like a sport. I just want to join in on the fun and cat nap the morning away.

Ray's early morning look out point is atop the fridge. If you look carefully, you can find his paw prints on my freshly dusted refrigerator. Yes, I dusted the top of the fridge on the weekend but never did get back to wipe off the cat prints Ray left behind.

Meanwhile, Jet hopped on my lap for a morning snuggle. This is not his most attractive angle but this view enhances the differences between our nearly identical black cats. There is definitely a difference in their nose, eyes and the way they hold their ears. 

The cupboard door was left open a little longer than usual and when I looked up, Ray was peeking through and enjoying this new vantage point from atop the fridge (our cupboards are missing a side, so are open for cats to crawl into them via the top of the fridge - no open food is stored there).

Due to the fact that these guys do wake up when I eventually crawl out of bed, cat naps are definitely in order by the afternoon. This was the sight in our living room one afternoon during nap time (could this be a residual effect of the quiet time I enforced during our daycare days?).

Jet is down for the count (his head is often near or on the pillow but he must have woke for a moment and done a semi circle turn in order to sleep on his other side).

Ray sleeps with one ear open but decided to "fake sleep" it for this picture (either that, or I just kept snapping pictures until I eventually got him when he blinked - it could be either, or).

Well, I wrote this post with pictures and captions and I still have nothing important to say. I suppose I should have spent this time studying for the exam I'm taking in two days. 

There is nothing like an exam to help me hone the fine art of procrastination. Maybe that's why there is no room for any other thoughts in my head. It is too full of the facts I'm trying to absorb for my upcoming test. Yes, that must be it. I will go with that. But if I don't return for a few days, you will know why. I will be busy studying. Either that, or I will discover it is the perfect time to clean the paw prints off the fridge top. It could be either, or.

An Unofficial "Cat Day"

This was the scene I left behind when I woke up this morning:

I sent this picture to a friend and declared today a "cat day". She proceeded to list all she had done and what she is planning to do next.

I wish I could say my friend's ambition inspired me. Instead, I seem to be following the lead of our lazy relaxed black cats. 

Today I relax, study a bit (maybe) and make supper. Tomorrow? No promises that it will be any more ambitious than today. But I'm not going to beat myself up over it. 

Happy "Whatever Kind of Day You Want it To Be" Day!!

Celebrate the difference between what you think the world expects of you and what you expect of yourself. 

Trust that all the hard work will be done in good time. 

If you need to kick back and put up your feet, just do it!! If you feel the need to clean, maintain, cook and entertain, do that too! 

Me? I think I'm just going to hang out with our cats for a while. I kinda like their style...

Extra Special Connections

I have spent the better part of the past few days reaching out to those who I have been thinking about. The list isn't long nor inclusive of all of those who have been creeping into my thoughts. But the outcome of these conversations are nothing short of miraculous.

I sent off a quick message which ended with the words "I'm at home if it's easier to chat", which resulted in a conversation which was a gift.

I have been talking too much, not listening enough nor asking open ended questions to open the door for deeper conversation. All I asked was "And how are YOU?" and I was on the receiving end of a story which I'm grateful to have heard.

I thought of a friend whose birthday I thought I had missed, but due to my confusion over dates lately, I had actually remembered her on the exact day of her birthday. By the time I was home and the thought of her birthday crossed my mind again, I thought I was too late. But I picked up the phone and called anyway. I said little and she volunteered so much. It turned out to be a perfectly timed call and I was so grateful I didn't talk myself out of picking up the phone.

I thought of my mom, looked at the clock and thought it could be a good time to call. She literally had one shoe on and was almost ready to walk out the door when the phone rang. Normally this would lead to a very abbreviated conversation but not this time. We had the most cheerful conversation and she didn't seem to be in any hurry to end the call.

I thought of my uncle while I was writing my cousin. I quickly wrapped up my email and called my uncle before I talked myself out of the idea. He heard my voice and replied, "You won't believe this but just as you called, I was reading your name ..."  How is that for an Extra Special Connection?! (Hmm ... I actually thought those initials were going to be ESP, but you get my drift).

I was thinking of a friend and then noticed an update on her Facebook page that her father-in-law had recently passed away so I think she was also sending out an ESC (Extra Special Connection) message to me which I received and responded to.

Keep your ears to the ground, follow up on those niggling little thoughts to reach out and contact someone. You will never know how often you are being thought of unless you take the chance, reach out and call ... only to be greeted with the words, "I was just thinking of you!" Trust me when I say, I truly believe people are speaking the truth when they greet you that way. Extra Special Connections are just waiting to be made.

Creating a Fortress of Solitude

Why does it feel so easy to let go of good habits and so hard to return to what worked so well for years on end? I was thinking of my writing as I wrote this, but the minute I started this second sentence, I realized it was not the writing habit I gave up so easily. It was waking at 5:30 a.m., in order to ensure I had time to myself before the rest of the world woke up.

I remember savoring my early morning paper route for that very reason. As I walked my route, houses were dark, car traffic was minimal and the foot traffic was next to none. I remember breathing in the peace and quiet. I thought of those who were inside those dark houses, still fast asleep &/or just starting to stir as I finished my route. I saw the Northern Lights dancing in the sky, shooting stars and even the snow glistened and shone as the street lights reflected their shimmer and shine.

Early mornings are truly magical. The magic ends as soon as the rest of the world starts to enter that place of solitude. I truly miss those moments.

Instead, I have become very cat-like in my sleeping habits. 

I nod off to sleep very easily, I wake often and when morning comes I feel just like my little big black cat when he woke up this morning. He stood up, he did an on-the-spot cat stretch, walked in a semi-circle for exactly one step, then changed his mind and curled back up into a tiny little cat ball. Yep! That is exactly how I felt too. So we all enjoyed one last cat nap before we jumped out of bed and into the day.

I have another morning off today and I am without an agenda to push me into action. The cats and I took our time getting out of bed and now that we are all up, every little thing is distracting me from my new found desire to get back into the habit of writing.

I am torn between working on a Suduko puzzle, answering emails, buying tickets and unjamming the printer after buying said tickets. My attention span is very cat like. Every moving thing and little noise distracts me. I'm up and about, then down for the count. 

My brain is starting to fill with all the things I could be and should be doing but instead, I am making myself another cup of coffee. The morning is going to take care of itself and I will have very little to show for it. 

I need to bring back that-which-was-good in my life. I need to bring early morning solitude back into my days. A quiet place to start. Time to reflect. A chance to fill myself up before I go out into the world and spend my energy.

I have a sense of feeling "depleted" within me. I believe it stems from waking up at a time when the world starts beckoning to me. I need to create a "Fortress of Solitude" just like Superman. Those superpowers may have come from his deep seated knowledge that one must fulfil themselves with what they need before they can go out and save the world.

Superman and I have a lot in common that way...

Excuses, Brain Fog and Gratitude

Writing must be done before the rest of the world creeps into the day. Honestly, I think the biggest barrier between me and my place here in the land of writing out loud, is the fact that I stopped waking up early enough to carve out time alone in the morning.

I wake up, turn on the TV, fall back to sleep and get out of bed at least a half hour later than I could have if I would have simply put my feet on the floor instead of hitting the power button on the remote control.

I have turned to puzzles in an effort to wake up my sluggish brain. Two cups of coffee and a raft of word puzzles, added to my new addiction to Suduko eats up the next hour.

I'm worried about my brain. It is lethargic, foggy and isn't remembering as much as it used to.

I've stopped noticing things. Am I the only person who can walk across a parking lot, enter a building and the moment someone asks what the weather is like, reply "Hmmm, I didn't really notice"?

It takes energy to remember the day, the date, the month and the season. Is this because I'm working in the bookkeeping business and always working in the "last fiscal year" or balancing to a date in the past? I hope so.

I'm living in my own head so much that I forget to peek out of myself and notice the world around me. I have conversations with people and don't ask them about what is going on in their life. Then when I do, I forget to remember what they said.

I start one thing, get distracted and think of three other things I should be doing. At the end of a day I truly wonder what I have accomplished. I am just now remembering what I forgot to do two days ago.

This brain fog is concerning to me and as a result of that, I signed up to take a course on dementia. The upside of that, is that I am doing well on the assignments/exams to date. So while I'm learning about the possibility of the fact that there could be some grey matter in my brain that could be dying off, I am relieved to know I am still capable of learning and repeating some of what is new to me.

The brain is complicated and frightening when you really think about it. For that matter, so is one's entire body. When you think about the way each organ within our body depends on the others, it is truly a miracle we wake up each morning. When you think of the many functions our brain has, it is should not be a surprise that some of those excess thoughts get lost in the busyness of living a day.

When you think about anything too hard, it is amazing how smoothly things run. Even when things are not running smoothly.

The body's ability to heal, to overcome, to compensate and do what we ask it to do day after day, year after year, decade after decade is nothing short of miraculous. We are walking miracles! It is better to wake up with that thought in mind, than it is to turn on the TV which tends to turn off my brain.

Waking up each morning should feel like a gift. A celebration. Creating a life you are grateful to be living is another thing. I've been working on that. I've been working on that a lot.

Life has been busy. I feel like I'm wearing out my brain. The neurons may not be firing as quickly as they once did but I'm grateful they are doing as well as they are.

I have been given the gift of (most of) a day off. It is up to me to make the most of what I've been given. Shall I study for the exam I have scheduled for next week? Should I sign up for another course to keep exercising my brain? Should I spend the day running a few errands? Or taking a "cat day" just to sit back, watch the birds and all of the dust particles wafting around in the air?

Maybe I'll do a little bit of everything, maybe I won't. This day is a gift. This body that carries me around from "A" to "B" and back again, day after day is pretty amazing. My brain is a little tired though. Maybe I'll give my brain a "cat day" and spur my body into action so I can get out of my head and enjoy the day.

May you make the best of what today brings you. Take time to look up and out of your regularly scheduled life to enjoy the moment and find gratitude in the little things. This is the email which found its way to me this week:

Photo compliments of my GratiTuesday email from Project Happiness

Take one dose of gratitude and I hope to see you in the morning!

On the Road Again

I've taken a little hiatus from writing as I created, rewrote and started living the latest chapter of my life. It was something akin to a home renovation. You just have to move out while things are under construction.

In my case, I had to abandon my little "home" here. Writing about what I was living, as I was living it would have been messy, disorganized and time consuming. It would have been mentally exhausting, not to mention tedious, to read about my deconstruction, the planning and unplanning stages and eventual revelation to simply follow the blueprint of "life as I was living it".

I'm sitting on a pleasant little plateau at the moment and appreciating the view. I've reached a point where the lessons are starting to separate themselves from the stories. So many of these stories are not my stories to tell. I have been intermingling my world with others and it is a tricky place for someone like me.

I have grown accustomed to living out loud, writing what I'm thinking about and often finding my own answers as my fingers translate the words from my brain. It's been a struggle to work without that brain to fingertip connection. I don't hear the "ping" of a revelation when the same words keep cycling around in my head.

Instead, I have been taking life one step at a time and making choices and adjustments as needed. The adage from part of a prayer from Mother Teresa "trust that you are exactly where you need to be" has been my guiding light. Trusting in the moment. Having faith it will all work out exactly how it is meant to be. Letting go of control and the need to know.

I've been feeling my way through this time like I've been walking in the dark. The territory is familiar but without a light to guide me, I've been hanging onto the walls for security. I've started letting go. I'm finding my way again.

Do you know the feeling when you have found your way after feeling lost? The path is new yet it is familiar and comforting and you just know in your heart it is "right". The resistance is gone. Each curve in the road comes a little easier.

I'm not saying I have all the answers. I am saying I know the questions I have been struggling with have been quietened. I'm figuring it out as I go along. I don't know what is at the end of this road. I simply trust it is the road I was meant to travel.

I woke up with a heavy heart one morning and this is the email that greeted me that morning:

I sent off an early morning email letting my worries out of my head and into the world. And life felt good again.

I need to let my truth exist somewhere other than inside my body. I'm back. I hope I'm here to stay.