The Quiet Before the Company

My siblings are coming! My siblings are coming!!

Yes, a spur of the moment email suggesting we try to get together has resulted in our upcoming weekend plans.

We are a very fortunate family of four. We enjoy each other's company. We gather in good times and bad and anything in between. We haven't been together as a family for six months and the dawn of spring seemed like a very good time to invite everyone over.

We can be a little wishy washy with planning at times. So in the spirit of "Mom", rather than vaguely invite everyone saying "Any time is good with me", I suggested we try to pick a date around either Mom's birthday or Mother's Day. 

Mom's birthday was yesterday and we shall all be together tomorrow. Although Mom won't be the sole focus of our gathering, I'm sure both her and Dad will be present in spirit and mentioned often. 

I ended up with the day off from my bookkeeping job today, so I have the luxury (?!?) of six extra hours to prepare. 

My to-do-list consists of:

• make ice (freshly made ice especially for my sisters)
• vacuum "Mom's room" (the bedrooms have been sealed off from the cats since I washed all the bedding)
• wipe down mirrors
• wash couch cushions 

The list grows by the moment as I sit here with far too many extra hours at my disposal. What is my excuse not to:

• rake the yard?
• try to fix the gate latch (I miss my handy dandy handyson!)
• tidy the freezer (who really cares?!)
• prepare food?
• dust the baseboards?
• wash the kitchen cupboards?
• and the list goes on and on ...

When I had a house that was "clean enough", I had so much less to do. Now that the main floor of our home is new and basically clean, the bar has been raised. I must not only KEEP it clean, now that it IS clean, I can see so very much that has been ignored in the past (I have literally no memory of washing the outside of our tub but I'm sure it has been done in the past).

No one is coming to judge me. But with these excess hours on my hands, I feel like I should cook or something. Heaven forbid.

I tried rerouting my day so I could work this afternoon instead of this evening but that was not meant to be. I organized myself so I would have all my chores done before I left for my 8 a.m. dentist appointment this morning, thus I have created an excess of time I am trying not to feel guilty about wasting.

Sigh ...

I am a master of wasting time, so I shall fritter the hours away and revel in this sunny spring day I have all to myself. Maybe I will end up outside and things may happen. Or they may not. 

I'm grateful for the quiet before the company. I don't think I'll waste the time cleaning after all.

Happy Birthday, Mom

Birthdays were never a big deal for Mom. I don't think she particularly enjoyed a day that brought attention to her advancing years but I would imagine she didn't mind the contact from family due to the occasion.

We only surprised her once. One surprise party on her 65th birthday was one too many but she was young enough to survive the shock and tell us to never EVER do this again. So we didn't.

Fifteen years later, we asked if she would be agreeable to a gathering of the families on or around her birthday. We tried to take the focus off of "birthday" (my brother jokingly interchanged the word "extravaganza" in its place) and with Mom's blessing and input, we had a most excellent gathering of family and friends.

We collected hand written memories and/or pictures in place of gifts, amassed them in a binder and it was a gift Mom enjoyed for years to come.

I can visualize the pictures in my mind. The year was 2008, everyone was in good health and Mom was surrounded by her sisters, brothers in law (who felt like brothers to her), family, family, more family and friends.

She danced to the song "Could I Have This Dance" with my cousin, who had danced to this song with his bride on his wedding day.

There was a program which was light and easy, we had a few family soloists who sang some of Mom's favorite songs. It was a fun, easy and memorable day. I'm so glad we have the memory to hold onto.

Mom's funeral was very similar to that special birthday memory.

The year was 2017. She was the sole member of her family left. Her sisters, who were all alive on Mom's 80th birthday, predeceased her. A brother-in-law and two sisters-in-law had also passed. Looking at Mom's 80th birthday pictures, I see the life in everyone's eyes that was extinguished during the years that followed.

I remember the impassioned letter I wrote to a family member who couldn't attend the occasion due to their beliefs. They celebrate wedding anniversaries but not birthdays. There were no more wedding anniversaries for Mom, since Dad died thirty years before Mom. We were gathering family and friends in good times and my unspoken plea was "Please celebrate Mom with us while she is here to enjoy the party".

I didn't sway their decision. But I tried.

I'm so grateful for the memory of that special "Extravaganza" celebration of Mom's life. The joy of that day lives on and I believe we brought a piece of that most special occasion into our final good-bye to her.

When you live a joy-filled life, it is easier to smile at all the memories as your days wind down to an end. I think of the laughter that surrounded what would become Mom's final year. I remember thinking how disrespectful it must seem, to be laughing in the hospital corridors while others were facing life and death situations. Little did I realize at the time, that was "us". We were walking through Mom's final days with her. Although it was heart breaking at times, it wasn't a sorrowful time because we had an arsenal of good thoughts, memories and a mighty spunky mom who made things as easy as they could be.

It was her final wish for us to simply be with her. She would rest, wanted to hear our voices and laughter.

One of my favorite pictures of the day. Maybe not the best pose, but it captured the essence of the day. "Familiarity and ease among family and friends"

Mom, with her sisters and Dad's brothers

Mom, with Dad's brothers. This is such a good picture of Mom and I can still hear her voice saying "They were like brothers to me" (and I can also hear the voice of Dad's brother echoing the sentiment)

"Could I Have This Dance" ~ the grand finale of what was a most excellent day

Thanks for the memories, Mom. They are a gift like no other...

"A Most Perfect Day" (original post - April 14, 2008)

A rerun of what I wrote after Mom's Birthday Extravaganza!:

MONDAY, APRIL 14, 2008

A Most Perfect Day

Well, Mom's birthday gathering was perfect in every way. From my sisters' inception of the idea last summer as they vacationed together ... to our original 'sibling sleepover' in September to start the planning process ... to the various phone calls and emails along the way ... to the final sibling meeting ... to the day itself.

Each and every one of the steps along the way was perfectly enjoyable. We had so much fun getting together and arranging this gathering. And even though my sisters had all of the food and decorating preparations fall entirely on their shoulders in the end, they got together and made it sound fun.

The day itself couldn't have been better. It was a tad overwhelming to see the people that gathered. I think we came up with a final tally of around 110 people. Relatives from both Mom and Dad's side of the family and some family friends. I could have so easily crawled into my 'quiet self' that has attended these events in the past. Crowds of people overwhelm me. But I forced myself out of that quiet sanctuary and participated in the day. My only regret is that the day went too fast and I really didn't get to visit with anyone on a one-to-one basis.

My brother is our hero. He put together a program for the event that set the tone for the day. Before the program, people were gathering together in their little groups and there was an air of discomfort as no one really knew what to do. The program united all of us. Trev has a way with words that works magic. We were 'one' as we listened and enjoyed and anticipated every little thing he had to say. Our family had absolutely no doubt in our minds that he would do a marvelous job and he exceeded our expectations. It was fun to listen to people talk to and about him later ... he won the family over in every capacity. Just by being the person he is, he is fantastic. To project himself into his family and audience in such a humorous and touching fashion, gave everyone a chance to openly express how they felt. What a gift. For him. For all of us.

And Mom. She enjoyed every moment of the day. We are so glad that she was included in knowing what we were up to this time (we surprised her on her 65th birthday and it was just too overwhelming for her). She wasn't shy about including her input and she was the perfect 'guest of honor'. She has touched so many people and it was a credit to her, how well attended this event was. She has a special place in many people's hearts and vice versa. Dad's brothers feel like brothers to her. And the feeling appears very mutual. I happened to capture a moment that encapsulated this 'feeling' on film. And it makes me smile. She is close to her sisters and it was them that sat together at the head table which was so appropriate. She has touched the lives of many nieces and nephews and inlaws ... The people that have a special place in her heart were all there. My uncle travelled from Ontario; a cousin travelled from Medicine Hat; another cousin and her family live west of Edmonton and they came. Her grandchildren travelled from all over Saskatchewan and one from Edmonton, to be there for the day. The friends that came were so glad to be a part of the day. What a special way to show someone how you feel about them. To come and make the day more special - simply by being there...

Our family truly amazes me. From our immediate family, to the extended family of aunts, uncles, cousins and beyond. Mom and Dad have given our family the absolute best gift parents can give. A home and family that is strong and united.

It was a day that will live in my heart forever. A day that reflected our life, our family and honored our Mom. Dad was there through his brothers, his son and in the hearts of many. His part in creating this most special family is present even though he is gone.

Our family. My most cherished gift. One day to pay tribute to our Mom that is a central part to all of this wonder. A day that started well before the actual date. A day that will live far beyond. A most perfect day ...

Eight Years Later (my life is nothing but a rerun of old episodes)

I just rewatched an episode of Grey's Anatomy that spoke to me in the past. A combination of a poor attention span and inability to piece together Meredith's thoughts as she leads into and recaps each episode with a thought provoking message led me to wondering "What did I hear the first time I watched this episode?" I found my original post and I could have written it yesterday. I am exactly were I was eight years ago ...

SATURDAY, FEBRUARY 26, 2011

Vitamins and Nothing

Quote from Thursday night's episode of Grey's Anatomy:

Meredith: "We are responsible with our patients. The problem is we blow it all out at work. In our own lives, we can't think things through. We don't make the sound choice. We did that all day at the hospital. When it comes to ourselves, we've got nothing left. And is it worth it—being responsible? Because if take your vitamins and pay your taxes and never cut the line, the universe still gives you people to love and then lets them slip through your fingers like water, and what've you got? Vitamins and nothing."

Responsibility. When you 'blow it all out at work' and there is nothing left at the end of the day ... what do you really have?

I spent the first 20 years of my parenting working full time, outside of our home. I did everything I was paid to do, all day long. I spent my energy being nice at work. When I came home, I was empty. I had nothing left. My fuse was short and my children were on the receiving end of whatever my day had given me.

I was working hard, doing all the right things, making all the 'right' financial choices. I often joked that I could afford to retire (RRSP's were maximized), I could afford to die (insurance was all in place), I was in a spot where my mortgage would have been paid in full in 2009 ... but I couldn't afford to live.

I woke up during my maternity leave with my third child. I saw the person I was, when I was consumed with work and making the right financial choices. My eyes were finally opened and I saw that I was letting life slip out of my hands. This is the reason that I made the choices that I did and started working from our home. I have never looked back ...

Fast forward to the present.

I had a 'bad day at the office' yesterday. I walked away, came home to life-as-I-know-it and had a great evening out with friends. I thought that I had put it all behind me. Yet when I woke up this morning, work issues sifted to the top of my consciousness.

I don't want to wake up in the morning with a work hangover. I want to box it up, put it away and shut the door on it until I choose to open it. And I always choose to open it.

I want to work from home for many reasons. Yesterday made it blatantly clear to me why I love working out of my home. I feel in control. I have a system that works for me. Everything is at my fingertips. I am a obsessive when it comes to paper, organization and routine. Yesterday? I was working at the shop, at a desk that was not my own, with one corner cleared off for the three piles of things to verify, sort and correct. My routine was blown out of the water.

My first conscious thoughts this morning were (and still are) consumed with work. Days like yesterday make me feel like life is 'slipping through my fingers like water'.

The universe gave me a home and family to come home to, friends to go out with, the opportunity to dance after my work day was through. Yet when I woke up this morning? I allowed the joy of what I had at the end of the day, slip through my fingers.

Is it worth it - being responsible?

At work, while you are at work? Yes.

After work, I do not want to feel depleted. I want energy left over for me and the people in my life.

Being responsible to myself and those that share my life is worth it. Spending all of that at work and coming home 'empty'? Not a place I want to go back to. I want more than vitamins and nothing at the end of the day.

Time Management

The longer I live, the poorer I get at managing my time.

I just puttered away two hours this morning. Granted, I sent off an email, balanced my budget, made some short range plans and stimulated my brain with my morning puzzles. BUT I lost two hours in (what felt like) the blink of an eye.

If it was just "me" and my home life, this would be okay. But this mismanagement of time is infiltrating my long range goals, my state of productivity and my work.

I am a stickler for routine. On the job and off. I like to clear the deck of all small tasks before I tackle something big. I do this at home. I do this when I tackle any project or job. I did this when I studied, while I assembled our family's memories and when I have taken on organizing family events. 

I do this all the time. I clear the clutter of "life" away and then I sit down and lose myself in the bigger projects at hand.

This does prove to be a very good excuse to procrastinate. I was not alone when I said my house was never cleaner, than when I was taking a correspondence course. I truly believe that "white space" creates fewer distractions and one can focus better on the job at hand. 

I have succeeded in what I have set out to do in the past. I have completed courses. I have created or been a co-creator in three family history books. I have arranged a reunion and kept a fully balanced accounting of all funds received for said reunion. I managed Mom's estate and all accounting related to it. 

I accounted for balanced every penny of Mom's funds, family reunion and book funds. I do income tax for others. I did my own taxes before I took them to the accountant and caught an error she made. I balance my own books to the penny. I balance books as unconsciously as I breathe. 

I obsess about balancing to the penny and check my work backwords, forwards and sideways before I put it to rest. I meticulously organize the end result of my work at hand, so if I was ever questioned on any part of the accounting, I would be able to retrace my steps and account for my thought process.

This should make me very good at my work BUT the time it takes to do things the way I like to do them is tripping me up. 

This is waking me up at night. Every night I have to work in the morning. It has been a long while since I felt I put in a productive day at work. The habits that work for me at home are not working for me in the work place.

"Listen to the whispers" is a chapter I just read in Oprah's new book. I've been able to hear the whispers in the past. It was harder when those whispers were guiding me away from my days of daycaring. I silenced the whispers but an ocular migraine scared the socks off me (I thought it may be a brain tumor as I was experiencing it) during my last day of work before a long awaited holiday. I offered to move out to Mom's that summer but settled for quitting my daycare instead. 

Another time, a hernia stopped me in my tracks which resulted in going back to school and rerouting my career after I listened to the quiet.

My sitting in a sunbeam moment after my Youngest Child was born was another moment of clarity when my life was quiet enough to listen to the beat of my own heart. I took a leave of absence from my work and opened my daycare. I have never looked back.

Prior to that, were the screams of desperation I felt within me when I knew I had to make a physical move away from my marriage and previous life. That was the smartest move of my life.

I hear the whispers. I don't want the whispers to turn into screams. When you don't make a change voluntarily, life will deal you a hand that is out of your control. I would rather control the change I want to see in my life. 

I want to listen to those whispers. Maybe I have to turn off the TV at night so I am forced to wake up and confront them.

I feel as though I am mismanaging my time but am I? Or is "life" trying to talk to me and I am numbing my thoughts with sleep, Netflix and food? My chip addiction at night has become all consuming and the highlight of my day.

I don't want to make any rash changes. I simply want to find a way to make this existing situation work. I need to either have suggestions or be open to them. I must be willing change what is within my control or accept things as they are. 

The Serenity Prayer instantly comes to mind: 

"God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference."

I feel as though I am mismanaging my time but am I? Or is "life" trying to talk to me and I am numbing my thoughts with sleep, Netflix and chips?

As I was ready to walk away from the computer, this post came to my attention:

Self-care is not selfish. It’s the most pro-active thing you can do. Why? We cannot nurture others from a dry well. If we practice preventative wellness and replenish our emotional reservoirs BEFORE they hit the empty line, then we can give even more to others from our surplus, from our natural state of strength and abundance. Shine brightly💡 ~ Project Happiness

I wrote this at 8:00 a.m.; I have returned to my morning thoughts twelve hours later. I will post this after it has plenty of time to marinate. Good night.

Rinse and Repeat

Life. Rinse and repeat daily. Maintenance. Redo what you just did yesterday. Routine. Same old, same old. I have a love/hate relationship with each of the above.

On one hand, I thrive on routine. I love my little ruts and I feel a little resentful when I'm forced to carve out a new one. I love the "known". I crave the little reward system I have created within my small little world.

It has been over two years since I started leaving our home to earn a living. The shock of that change of life was softened by a year of running out to Mom's. The drive, the solitude and knowing Mom was there saved me from myself during that year of transition.

The second year? Not so great. I missed Mom. I missed my regular road trips. I missed everything the prior year brought into my world. I had to create a new rut and I didn't like it. Not one little bit.

I'm well into my third year of change and I'm finally rolling with it. I'm sad to say, at the ripe old age of 58, I live for my weekends. But I do. I like what I do but I love being home more. I'm doing this. And it's okay.

I allowed myself a weekend to recreate the past. I literally packed my suitcase as I got dressed one Friday morning and brought it upstairs with me. I sent out a few messages into the universe and was urged to move forward with my last minute plan to flee the city. Breaking out of the deep rut I had carved out for myself was life affirming.

I tossed my suitcase into the trunk of my car and didn't come home from work that day. I felt slightly rebellious but mostly, I felt liberated and free.

Maintenance. Whew! That word is a paragraph unto itself.

We have created a home that requires daily maintenance. Not only do I have to wake up, dehair/make my bed and clean cat litter every morning, we now have a house that requires a daily mopping up of said cat hair.

I have a love/hate relationship with this cat hair. I love the cats it belongs to. I hate having it floating about the house aimlessly, without wall-to-wall carpeting to attract and hold onto it for a later date. BUT (now, this is the surprising part), I DO like waking up to a clean house each morning. I despise the cleaning aspect of this job but I do appreciate its rewards.

Speaking of which, if I plan to de-hair the house of cat hair which has accumulated on the laminate floors before I head off to work, I must stop writing.

I have to hop out of my writing rut, into my cleaning rut, then head off to a day at the office, so I can come home, rinse and repeat, then do it all over again tomorrow.

Finishing Touches

I have been waiting for this moment since the beginning of our renovation. The part where I add my own personal touch, a bit of color, a hint of practicality and invite family in for the weekend.

#1 - I have been searching for new chair cushions and place mats for what feels like months. Today, I took the plunge. Black and dark grey. No surprise there. But my Youngest walked in and said the black looked good with the wood table and brought everything together. I call that a win.

#2 - A splash of color and a soap dispenser. Sitting in a different chair a few evenings ago, I noticed how out of place my off-the-grocery-store-shelf-and-into-our-home soap dispenser looked. I found this cool brushed chrome one on sale. Add my 20% off coupon and it still was highly over priced. But I figured the kitchen was worth it. A dash of red and I was good to go. I could have bought a red kettle and a red toaster but since both of those items are stored away neatly in the cupboards, there was no need. I saved enough money there, to more than cover my extravagant soap dispenser. Another win!

#3 - Dining room chairs which will normally reside in the den and/or a bedroom will provide extra seating for times when more than "four" are visiting in the living room. The end tables were cheap and the fold-up storage/coffee table makes for a soft place to rest your heels when you kick back and relax. We could certainly use a dash of color in the living room but I swapped out the old, worn cushions for some others we had on hand. I call this room good-enough-for-now. The walls are barren and this room lacks personality at the moment. But it is a very cozy, conversational room. I can't wait to put this to use. 

#4 - I can still sleep the same number of guest in our 2 bedroom, 1 den main floor, than I could in our 3 bedrooms upstairs. I cringed at putting two beds in one room but after I moved the chest of drawers into the closet, there was plenty of room and it looks just fine. Matching quilts in for the save.

Yes, I'm expecting sleep over guests this upcoming weekend. Bring it on! I'm ready!!

Jet was pleased with the arrival of a new box to investigate. Unfortunately, you can see he gave up the box to initiate the new chair. Cat hair will be everywhere. Again (still).