Be Still

Words were not forthcoming this morning. 

I sat here and tried to write. Then deleted everything. I read something to create the opportunity for new thought patterns. I wrote some more. Then I deleted it again.

I walked away, washed my hair and vacuumed.

The words that kept chiming through my head as I toiled away at all the "hard things" I squeezed into the space where I could have been writing?

"Be Still"

"Be Still and Know"

"Keep Moving and Guess"

Why am I craving more weekend time in the easy life I live? The desire to be still. Be still and know.

I am caught up in the weekly routine that is life as I know it. I have no reason to complain. But I do.

I simply want to be still. Be alone. Tune out the world. And know.

What is your inner voice telling you as you go through your days? Listen to the voice that speaks quietly. Don't ignore your inner knowing. 

Be still and know ...

Hiding in Plain Sight

My day began with an almost missed rabbit spotting. One rabbit was on the street headed away from here. If I had not spotted this rabbit, I wouldn't have seen the second one who was hiding in plain sight in a yard across the street. The only chance I have of spotting the rabbits, if they are not in my own front yard, is if they are on the street or on the move.

Hiding in plain sight.

I'll never know the number of times I've gazed out the window and missed seeing what was right in front of me. Simply because there was no movement to catch my eye.

How many other things does a person miss?

We go about our days with our eyes set on whatever mission we are on. Some are better than others at taking in a wide angle view of life and seeing it in a panoramic view. I tend to see only what is before me. I liken it to walking through the day with blinders on. I zero in on and focus on what is right in front of me while missing that which is going on all around.

At work, I often miss the obvious by staring too intently on that which is wrong in a mathematical puzzle. I need to back up, back off, regroup and refocus to find that which is right before me at times.

I think of "life" in general and the times when I have looked out and beyond the life I was living. Hoping, wishing, grasping for a life that wasn't mine to have. A love that was lost. A job that was never mine to have. A life that ended before I was ready to let go. Looking at my young children and visualizing who I hoped they could be instead of appreciating who they were.

Sometimes a person needs to look at the wider picture to see above and beyond exactly where you are, in order to move forward. Other times, everything you could ever hope for is right in your own back yard. Hiding in plain sight.

Room With a View

During our upstairs renovation our kitchen table got moved around more than any other piece of furniture. It moved from the kitchen to various places within the living room, then back to a few temporary spots in the kitchen before it found its final resting spot under the light in the kitchen.

As long as I could sit at the kitchen table to begin my day it really didn't matter where it was located. I cozied in and was at home wherever the table happened to settle. But I did have one favorite location. I loved when I could gaze out the living room window before the world woke up.

An early morning rabbit sighting a few days ago spurred me into shuffling the furniture around to attempt to recreate that morning coffee view. I moved Mom's table from her sun room to create my own sunny little morning space:

Now ... if only the rabbits would hop into view as I sit with my morning coffee, it would be perfect. 

She Called Me

 She called me out of the blue. Just like it was a regular, ordinary Sunday.

"Where are you?!? How are you?"

"Home," she answered as if there is no where else she could possibly be.

She said something that made me feel she knew what I had been through since I last saw her. She understood but I believe she thought I could have been stronger.

"I'll come to see you. Right now!!"

She told me not to come. Not yet ... she was fine.

There was more to the conversation but I can't remember the details. She was okay. She had spoken to my sister. My son had called her. When I asked him what her number was, he looked at me incredulously and replied her number was the same as always (why wouldn't it be?). 

This must be a dream I kept telling myself over and over. But it isn't. Because I'm not waking up. It must be a dream ...

Then I woke up. It was the day before my birthday. She always called on our birthday. I got to hear Mom's voice. She was a day early but she called.

I opened my eyes and remained in the moment. She called me. She is okay. She has been watching over me. She is home. But I cannot come. "Not yet," she told me.

She is home ...

New Habits and Me

I have filled a journal and ran the ink dry on two, brand new (for journal writing only) pens. Morning pages and me seem to be working.

Julia Cameron, something is happening here. What started out as three pages of negativity, whining and repetitive nonsense has unclogged some of my writing arteries.

I have a way to go but I believe I'm off to a good start. Writing and me go back a long way. Instilling the habit of literally writing from the heart, straight onto the page without technological intervention (a computer keyboard) has worked some kind of magic for me. 

I know "writing" isn't the answer for everyone but it sure works for me. I always seem to find my answers when I let myself write like no one is reading. I highly recommend it.

Rabbits!!!

My pen ran out of ink at a just the right moment this morning. When I went to find another pen within my back-up supply, I noticed the cats gazing out the window...

Our cats often look into the nothingness outside our living room window. It may be a bird. It may be nothing the human eye can see. But this morning?! It was not one, but two rabbits right in our very own front yard.

I watched, waited, watched the cats watching the rabbits. They nibbled on the grass  ... one washed its face a bit ... the other found its way to the small dish of rabbit food I set out for them ... they stayed in our yard for most of my rabbit watching time.

Eventually they hopped across the street. First one. The other followed. One hopped up in the air and all four feet left the ground. Then it rolled in the snow. Then the other did the same. They both hopped up in the air a few times and I was hopeful this meant a little game was in the works (maybe their feet were just cold?).

They hopped across the street to a neighbor who is kitty-corner to me and checked out their little rabbit garden for a short while. I marvelled at the wonder of nature. Their bellies are white while their backs still hold a little tinge of autumn brown coloring. If they hadn't moved, I would have never seen them in the snow/foliage that hid them.

They crossed the street again. One was the leader. The second one always followed. I was sure they were going to disappear down the alley, out of sight when a vehicle came from the direction they were headed and they fled back across the street again. They went in two different directions. I wondered if this was instinct. A predator could only go after one of them if they headed in two directions...

I waited. They had planned on heading down the street they had just crossed. I was pretty certain they would forge on with their plan as soon as the coast was clear. I was right.

First, a rabbit from one direction. Second, a rabbit from the other direction. Third (!!!), another white rabbit-sized animal came from a third direction. Three!!! (there is a reason for my three exclamation marks)

And they were off. Three!!! I'll never know if the third furry critter was a rabbit or a white neighborhood cat. But I do know for a fact I saw three of them head off into directions unknown.

I hope they will be back (they know where the rabbit food is).

Rabbit Watching

Dream Sequence Analysis

I woke up to a dream sequence that was all over the map this morning. A little bit like my thoughts as I wake up to this frosty, freezing rain kind of Friday.

Thoughts of my car repair saga equalled the dream of driving a newer car I had borrowed from someone. I didn't like it. I didn't like it one little bit. Visibility was poor. I just wanted to get to my destination and back safely.

Thoughts of our pending street closure/water maintenance had me dreaming that I driving past obstacles in this borrowed car. Visibility was poor AND there was unexpected debris on the road. I just wanted to get past the obstacles.

Thoughts of my disjointed, disrupted and unproductive work day yesterday led to the dream of my daycare days. A daycare mom was concerned over her daughter's care and she didn't trust me. She kept dropping in at unexpected times to ensure her daughter's well being. I was trustworthy even when no one was watching.

Thoughts of my youngest son's university challenges was at the core of the dream where he was back in elementary school and I was allowing him to miss school because he slept in. So I took control and drove him to school in the borrowed car from my dream, in my pajamas, dodging traffic/children/debris. I just wanted to be the parent he needed to guide him along the way.

Thoughts of my middle's son quest to further his education had me dreaming that my son asked if he could move home temporarily due to a new responsibility at work. Which morphed into my concerns over his farm and he showed me an elaborate system of keeping his "livestock" (dogs/cats/rabbits) fed and watered in his absence. My middle son is fully capable, independent and doesn't need me. I still want to be there in the ways I can.

Then came the part of the dream that was about our cats and pillows. An excess of pillows. Cats were hiding under them. Cat hair had to be dealt with before I could store the pillows. Cats and pillows - just a part of my every day reality and where I place an extraordinary amount of my energy.

Back to reality now. To make a long story short, I live a good life.

If one leads a life that can be summed up in concerns where we want to get beyond life's roadblocks; make it home safely; peace of mind that we are all doing our best one day at a time, one has little to worry over. Except for the eternal car, cat and pillow thoughts of the moment I couldn't ask for more.

P.S. My car windshield wiper fluid repair was minor - it needed a hose. The rear defrost however is a bigger issue - the only repair they could offer was getting the entire rear window replaced. As I drive to work this morning on icy roads, I will be reminded how fragile this car's life is. What if this car was in an accident? Money must be spent accordingly. More thoughts to ponder in my sleep...