My Favorite Way to Start the Day

I opened the living room blinds this morning and it took a second to realize the blur I saw was not dirt on my glasses. It was a rabbit parked out in the middle of the street.

I blinked, focused and saw one ... two ... three ... FOUR rabbits down the street. One on the road and three in a dandelion filled lawn (I must let our dandelions go to seed - this seems to attract rabbits).

I simply stood still and gazed at them as they shifted their positions and settled.

Can you spot them?

Here is a blurry close-up. Yes, that tiny dot is definitely a rabbit.

Rabbit spottings in our neighborhood are not quite as frequent since spring has sprung. The combination of the increasing daylight hours and the fact that I'm not feeding them has resulted in fewer rabbits spending time in our front yard. I still catch sight of one here and there but it has been ages since I have seen them gather.

I am considering putting my name down on the wait list where my aunt resides. She faces a park like setting where rabbits come to play on a regular basis. We had the treat of spotting five at one time while the landscaping crew scared them out of their hiding spots while mowing and trimming the lawn. Spotting one rabbit is a treat. Spotting two or more is a gift.

Rabbit spotting. My favorite way to start the day!

Unrest

I am loosely paraphrasing something I read recently about dreams.

Dreams written down become goals. Formulating the steps required to attain those goals becomes a plan. Following through on those steps becomes action. Taking action on a dream which was once only a wisp of a dream turns into achieving your dreams.

I used to dream.

I used to visualize where I wanted to be. I often wrote those dreams down. I sometimes added visuals to the dream. Then came the process. Step by step. One small step at a time. Dreams became reality.

I can scour the archives of this blog and my journals to witness the process I unknowingly created time and time and time again.

Unrest instigated the need for change.

Change is a process that required a set of goals.

Goals necessitated action and effort.

Effort was the catalyst of all that followed.

Achieving goals was the reward for all of the above.

The goals were achieved one step at a time. Yes, it was nice to reach the top of that mountain and enjoy the view. In retrospect, I realize I wouldn't have enjoyed the view a fraction of the amount if I hadn't personally overcome all it took to reach the summit.

Unrest. Change. Goals. Effort. Achievement.

Embrace the unrest. It is the catalyst which has the power to take you where you need to go.

Bed Hog and Cat Litter

You know all is well enough in the world when the biggest worry you have is finding a new brand of cat litter.

Yes, I woke up with cats on my mind this morning. Is it any wonder, when I roll over to discover Jet has taken ownership of one quarter of the real estate in my bed?

Back in the day when Jet didn't monopolize the bed, Ray found room for himself on the opposite corner of the bed. Look at the tiny little corner he squeezes into:

It has become the norm to make my bed around Jet and carry on with the day. So far, Jet hasn't taken ownership of the task of making up his side of the bed.

Yes, life is tough when one's biggest dilemma is trying to find a replacement for something that always worked well in the past. I hate change. But the world continues to insist I learn to adapt to the harsh realities of life. 

Until there are no more cats who reside under our roof, there will be cat litter. Life goes on. Of all the worries in the world there are to wake up to, this is a pretty good one. 

I am grateful for the bed-hogging, hair-shedding, cat-litter users who reside in our home. Life wouldn't be the same without them.

Eyebrows and Gratitude

I managed to do a few things right last fall. Number one - I started saving the "vacation pay" portion from my pay cheque each month. Number 2 - I didn't follow through with my application to get a passport.

Add a global pandemic to the above and you can see I have (what I consider to be) one of the best problems around. No place to go and a little bit of money in the bank.

As I looked into the longer range forecast of the months that lie ahead, I have wondered when we may travel freely between provinces. Leaving the country? Not even something I would consider any time soon, when that barrier is lifted. 

I am so grateful the unaffordable-at-the-time passport fee plus an unbecoming passport photo (I learned to draw in some eyebrows just in time for my driver's license photo renewal) stood in the way of getting a passport. Yes, I wasted money on a passport photo I'll never utilize BUT my driver's license photo actually looks better than the one from five years prior. It was a lesson that cost $31.97 but it gave me a gift that will last five years. Eyebrows matter.

Last year my spending exceeded my income. I am just starting to regain the ground I lost due to house maintenance, some in-country mini vacations and life in general. I am standing on solid ground and there is little temptation in sight. 

No invitations, no spur of the moment "let's do this or go there" ideas and no upcoming vacation plans. My budget is so relieved.

No vacation plans = no vacation time booked. What does that look like in the year forecast? Maybe, just maybe I can plan to book an extra day around a long weekend? Maybe I could book three day weekends for the summer? 

The country will open up in some fashion eventually. When it does, I will have last year's debt paid in full, a little money in the bank and holiday time available. In the meantime, I can sit still and appreciate all the outdoor maintenance accomplished last year and just take in the view. Everything I need is right in our own back yard. 

In light of the seriousness of the events going on in the world around us, I know this entire post is trivial and inane. But that is what makes it more important than it seems. When life feels like it is spiraling out of control, that is when I look toward the smaller picture. Gratitude for what I have. Gratitude that losing one opportunity may open the door to something new and unexpected. And gratitude for a driver's license photo where I am sporting eyebrows.

It's the little stuff that makes the biggest of difference at times. 

New Month, New Rules

I woke up this morning to another day. Another week. Another month. And ... I did not appreciate it for the gift that it was.

I am loving isolation, social distancing and staying home. Loving it. But it is not loving me back.

I have become a shell of a human being. I wake up. I go through the motions. I reward myself with reruns of my favorite TV-series-of-the-moment and snacks. I sleep. Rinse and repeat. Day after day. Weekends are less of the above.

My socialization skills are deteriorating. My keeping-in-touch gene has been deactivated. I have nothing new to talk about, think about, write about so I have less desire to talk/think/write.

Things are not spiraling in a positive direction.

So when I finally peeled myself out of bed this morning, I made a cup of coffee and retreated to my "morning pages".

I basically wrote "What am I going to do different? This week? Today? This morning? This hour? Now?" I should have written these questions sooner because there is a subconscious connection between my fingertips and my heart of hearts. I know my answers. But if I don't write, I don't tend to hear them.

This is what my heart and soul told my brain and eyes:

I have an outline. It is easy to follow. And the best part? I've already crossed two things off my to-do-list for today.

How are you doing? I know the world is opening up a little bit but I'm still fearful to step outside the comfort zone of my little isolated world. How about you?

"We can do hard things" is Glennon Doyle's mantra. Yep. The hard things I can do. It is the easy stuff that trips me up every time.

Here I go again. Rinse and repeat. I've been here before. The evidence is within this blog space. I've searched my own blog enough times to hear the echo of the past in today.

Mother's Day Isn't the Same Without You

It has been a very long time since I sat down and had a letter within me. I couldn't help but think of Mom this morning, on "her day". I thought I'd sit and write my thoughts out loud.

I let my thoughts wander and eventually they settled on "Mother's Day, 2017".

I think we suspected it would be our last Mother's Day together. It all started with this text message Mom asked me to send to my siblings:

Let me backtrack a little further. Mom's health had changed and it had been a worrisome winter. It spilled into spring. I went to Mom's often to quiet my inner angst. I needed to see her, spend time with her and I found it so hard to go home after my visits.

One time, before I left for Mom's, I knew I wanted to give her something tangible. Something to have and to hold when I wasn't there. Something to signify I was "with her" in thought and spirit, even when I wasn't physically there.

I had two angel pins. One had a little "diamond" chip on it; the other wasn't quite as delicate looking but it had a topaz stone in it. When I grabbed those angels as I ran out the door as I was headed out to Mom's, I didn't have an agenda. I didn't know what words would come. I just knew they would.

My intention was to write a note and leave the gift behind for her to discover after I left. That didn't happen. I was leaving Mom's and as always, she escorted me to my car and we said our good byes in her driveway. I had my angels in hand and still didn't know what words were going to go with them but I was right. The words came:

"Here is a little angel to wear on your shoulder, to symbolize my presence when I am not here. You are in my thoughts and this is for you to have, to remind you that you are not alone ..."

I had the two angels in my hand and asked her to choose one. The choice was obvious. Her birthday is in April (diamond birthstone), mine is in November (topaz birthstone). Besides, the angel with the "diamond" chip was much more delicate and was the one I would have chosen to give her.

Fast forward to our Mother's Day lunch some weeks later. When we saw each other, she leaned in close to me and pointed to the small angel on her shoulder. "I thought you would be wearing yours," she said quietly. "I did! I did! It's on my coat in the back seat of the car. I wanted to put it on something I wear every day..."

As we suspected, that was our last Mother's Day with Mom. She died September 6th, less than four months later.

Death is so final. You feel it so acutely for such a long time. We knew Mom was sick. We felt the end coming. We knew "lingering" would never have been her choice. Our heads knew it all. We had time to do and say and be who we most needed to be during those months. Yet when she stopped breathing, it felt like a sucker punch to the heart. It hurt.

There are so many details to tend to after losing a loved one. So many. In one of those many moments of planning, I had a moment of clarity. Mom's angel pin. It must be with her in the end. She was still in my thoughts. The significance of the "angel on her shoulder" was even keener than in the beginning. She was buried with her angel pin.

I wore my angel on my shoulder for a very long time afterwards. I would rub it like a worry stone when my heart hurt and it would ease the ache.

Mom once said that having so much to do in the aftermath of a death can be a blessing in disguise. Keeping busy is not a bad thing when one is dealing with the trauma of loss. She was right.

Tending to her house, her estate and all the loose ends one must do gave me an excuse to go out to Mom's with and without my sisters in the weeks and months to come. I never did start missing going to Mom's because I got to continue to go and stay "with her" in her home until it sold.

The house she was so adamant in staying in, was such a gift to us after losing Mom. I returned time and time again, wandered through the rooms and just breathed in her presence, felt all the feelings being in her home allowed me to feel and just remembered.

One of Mom's neighborhood rabbits. I snapped this picture September 24th and sent it to my siblings, with the caption:
"Feeling serene and enjoying the morning. Just thought I'd share the joy."

I loved watching the rabbits at Mom's, which explains my obsession with the rabbits that have moved into our neighborhood.

I haven't seen a rabbit for well over a week now. I keep looking for them but without the allure of rabbit treats under our fir tree, the rare times I spot them they are hopping through and don't linger. They've moved onto greener pastures.

I had a strong hunch if I settled in this morning, I would be pleasantly surprised with a visitation from one of our rabbits. I was right:

Coffee in hand, rabbit in our front yard, thoughts of Mom in my head ... I pinned my angel onto my shoulder. I think if Mom had any choice in the matter, she would be saying, "Here is a little angel to wear on your shoulder, to symbolize my presence when I am not here. You are in my thoughts and this is for you to have, to remind you that you are not alone ..."

No More Roots!

Never have I been quite this excited about coloring my hair. I wanted to not care. I wanted to ride out the dark/gray roots and let natural aging win. Vanity ruled the day.

My aunt keeps me grounded. "You aren't going to look 20 again just because you color your hair!"

My reply? "I don't want to look 20. But I would like to look 55."

I look every one of my years but in reality, I don't want to look older than I am. If coloring my hair helps me feel a little bit better about looking at the reflection in the mirror, so be it.

Vanity swoops in for the win today. Reality wins in every other way.

What little thing can you do for yourself today? Do it! You will be glad you did.