The Wedding

My last born child has been the first of my children to marry. She was married in a bare bones, very simple legal ceremony in our home. It may have been the best wedding I have attended.

A promise, signed and sealed by a representative of our provincial government was made just a little more special due to the closeness of those in attendance. The couple themselves, the marriage commissioner, three in-person guests and three more via a Zoom connection. 

A kiss for luck and they are on their way.

The lyrics to "We've Only Just Begun" run through my mind. It was my wedding song. Simply put, we've only just begun sums it all up.

New horizons, so many roads to choose, talkin' it over just the two of us, so much of life ahead and yes we've just begun.

A new life together has officially begun. Unofficially, their beginning was two years ago. They are as certain as two optimistic, bright eyed and married souls can be. 

They've only just begun.

They Are (still) Here

I woke up without an agenda this morning. All I knew for sure was I didn't want any demands placed upon me upon my waking. I succeeded.

I was awake and out of bed by 5:00 am. "I should grab a cup of coffee and place myself at the computer keyboard and see what happens", I thought to myself.

I made a cup of coffee and turned on the TV instead. Always a bad move. 

Thanks to the relentless swishing of our cat's tail bashing me across the head as I nestled into the couch in my favorite TV watching position, I was alerted to this sight:

I haven't had an actual rabbit-sighting for a good, long while. The evidence they leave behind is all I need. Lots and lots (and lots) of rabbit tracks in the snow. Also a lot of "rabbit fertilizer" underneath the fir tree (where I just happen to leave some grain out for any critter who is looking for a winter supplement). 

I love taking in their unseen presence but I still revel in an actual rabbit sighting. The last two wild critters to cross my path have been red foxes. One fox ran across the highway in front of me as I was driving to my weekend oasis. The second fox ran in front of my aunt's deck and was gone faster than I could get up off the chair and investigate further.

What is the symbolism behind spotting a fox? Without doing a spec of research, my first instinct was to wonder if the presence of foxes had anything to do with the lack of rabbits I have seen.

Thus, I was grateful to spot these rabbits this morning. Evidence suggested rabbits were dominating the landscape but it is always nice to see things with my own two eyes.

TGIF

An unoriginal title for a worn and tired being at the keyboard. I've said it before and I'll say it again (and again and again), I cannot believe I am 62 years old and still living for the weekend.

The weekdays exhaust me. I never catch up within my bookkeeping world and investigating the stories behind the numbers is a never-ending challenge. I am working well beyond my limitations and I feel imprisoned by my role. I wanted only to be a plain and simple "bookkeeper". I have little to no desire to take what I've learned and become anything more. I've hit my peak and I do not aspire to go any higher. I'm done. I am so done.

My senior supper hour partner is losing ground. Conversations that were simply repetitive have taken on a new tone. Words such as hate; ugly; never; can't; won't; no have entered the building and humor has started looking at the door. I realized as I was walking out the door last night, that I have stopped smiling. I will try and try again. This time I will look hard at my own language and sense of humor.

There have been challenges related to work, that go above and beyond all expectations. A stolen wallet set off a chain reaction I'm still battling. Banking transactions that should be black and white are all shades of cloudy. Yesterday I walked in and out of the bank and was able to accomplish my mission without question and ended with a friendly smile from a teller I have come to know fairly well during this time of woe. 

There! That is what I must shift my focus towards. A genuine parting smile and little joke is how I ended my evening with my senior supper partner. A wide grin from my teller and the words, "Done! Is there anything else I can help you with?" I am reclaiming some "white space" within my home office. It is a battle I will never win but I am keeping the enemy at bay.

Now, if only there was a positive spin I could find to manage the relentless shedding of cat hair within this home of ours. I have vacuumed four times in six days and there is no noticeable improvement. When life gives you this much cat hair, what can one do but stuff a quilt?

Positive language. A sense of humor. A relentless desire to push beyond the piles of paper to rediscover the table within.

If all else fails, let the magic of a weekend revive your spirit. Happy Friday!!

Easier Said Than Done

I am on Day 2 of my promise to myself, to blog daily. In a nutshell? I'm coming up empty.

I've started two posts but abandoned them. Too much. Not my story to tell. I start out with a nugget of an idea but get lost. I must keep it simple as I attempt to reconnect the brain to fingertip connection that used to surprise and amaze me.

I would sit down in front of the computer and just start typing. The next thing I knew, there were words laid out before me that assembled my freefalling thoughts into paragraphs that made more sense in black and white, than they did within my head. "If ever I am unable to communicate, give me a keyboard and I will probably be able to type out what I cannot say" was my motto at the time.

Oh, how the writer within has fallen. If I was to subconsciously type out what is within my head at this very moment, it may come out as this:  af io e9 ke dls kjshf o8s s    aoaoua sdaosdis

Yes, I have systematically numbed my thoughts for so long my brain to fingertip connection is not functioning. I kept the posts I started. I scribbled down ideas on my "Blog Every Day" note-to-self that is sitting on/by my computer. I will try, try again. But for today, showing up is the best I can do.

I'll try again tomorrow.

March Forward

I woke up to the year 2023 with a 2022 hangover. 2022 was a year that left a bad taste in my mouth. I sat down to write here in the wee hours of January 1st, didn't like what I wrote and never looked back. Now, here I am. Fresh new month, fresher perspective. 

 A blog writer I enjoy made a pact with herself to write every day in February. She too, had gotten out of the regular writing habit which meant I, in return, got out of the reading habit. It was a pure delight to go back and read the posts I had missed. Her musings, perspective, projects and some of the light and easy stuff of life were documented. I sensed the pleasure she rediscovered as she renewed her writing habit. 

What a great idea, was my first thought! February was already half way complete by the time I read this. February is my favorite and least favorite winter month. Favorite - because it speeds by so fast. Least favorite - because it speeds by so fast. In an accounting/bookkeeping world, those two lost days are very noticeable. "I will start in March!", was my second thought.

March. Thirty one days to meet my bookkeeping deadlines. Month-end falls on a Friday, so I have all week to prepare for those final, frenzied days. NO bookkeeping deadlines that are set by all the powers-that-be within my little bookkeeping world. PST, GST, T4's, WCB, and all the other letters of the alphabet have been tamed the past two months. Deadlines met. Employees paid. Bills paid. Revenue Canada is satisfied for the moment.

Let me breathe a long sigh of relief as I revel in the moment of overcoming the toughest two months of the year. Now is my time to set some resolutions hopes for the year ahead. Aspirations, whimsical dreams, a renewal of hope. I shall March forward from here.

Number 1 goal - to write on!

Gen-DriveThru

"Gen X"  is where I officially fall within the Baby Boomers, Millennials and the Gen-classifications. But as I wandered through my morning, I began thinking that I belong to the Gen-Instant-Satisfaction era.

Drive-thru restaurants where you don't even have to get out of the car to enjoy a meal you didn't have to make has now been expanded to ordering groceries online and popping the trunk to let someone else load the groceries they have selected, scanned and then deliver/load right into the trunk of the car. Shopping online, where all you have to do is wait for the delivery date of said item. Phone appointments with anyone who doesn't need to physically see you. Instant access to movies, TV series and any number of things you may be interested in seeing are as simple as signing into your video streaming account, YouTube or any number of online videos available. 

Googling anything that has spurred my interest has become my most fascinating diversion. My most recent deep dive into the interwebs has been in search of Jane Fonda's quotes, interviews and books. I love listening to Glennon Doyle's podcast "We Can Do Hard Things" but have longed for a "Glennon" who is older than me. Someone who has experienced what I have, as I hit my Third Act (as per Jane Fonda). Lo and behold, Glennon/Abby/Amanda interviewed Jane Fonda on their podcast last week and I think Jane is the mentor I have been looking for.

The moment Jane spoke of starting over again at age 62, I thought to myself "She gets it!! She has already waded through this phase I've hit!" I immediately reserved her book Prime Time from the library (reserved online, of course, and a quick in/out trip at the library through the self checkout was almost as simple as picking up groceries) and I started thumbing through it last night.

I haven't delved deep into the book yet but as I leafed through some of the chapters that caught my interest, my attention was drawn to the need to move/walk/exercise regularly to maintain one's physical health. Moving a little and continuing to live a sedentary life is not the solution. 

So walking alone is not my answer. Walking is good for my body and good for my soul. I can feel it with every step I take (except when winter walking conditions prevail). What I need to add to that recipe is to come home and continue to do something physical. Clean that room. Organize and cull those piles. Keep busy and moving. But (and here is my excuse) I have a bookkeeping job to do. Then I spend the supper hours sitting idle with a senior who finds it hard to move and walk freely.

I cannot blame my job(s) for my inactivity. It is a pretty good alibi but I am the one who is responsible for sitting idly in front of the TV or computer or couch in my down time.

Thus, I started thinking of my desire for a drive-thru, instant gratification option for my lack of desire and motivation to move and live life in a healthier fashion. Could I hire someone to come in and clean the house and organize my office? If only I could start from a clean slate, certainly I could maintain it.

If only ...

If only came and went three years ago. At the end of our home renewal (reno), "all I had to do" was keep on top of the cleaning/dusting/cat hair. When I started working from home when pandemic recommendations suggested work-from-home alternatives, I started with a perfectly clean and organized office. All I had to do was keep it up to date.

I had my clean slate and now it is all dusty, cat-hairy and the piles of papers in my office make my knees go weak.

Instant satisfaction is what I am craving. The answer is to pull up my socks and just do it. This aligns with Jane's advice to stop living such a sedentary life. All the stars have aligned. The answers are staring me right in the face. 

So why am I craving McDonald's so badly right now? Yes, I am officially one of the Gen-DriveThru era.

Good Morning! How are you??

I cannot seem to commit to daily writing these days. I'm not certain why. Not an overload of words lately. That is all.

And how are YOU?

How are you managing life-as-you-know-it these days? Days leading up into the season of festivities. Days where no matter what is going on in the world around us, we are still walking through our day to day lives making daily decisions as necessitated. Working. Living. Cleaning. Relating. Managing. 

I only peek at the news lately. The big news is too much to take in. All it does is provide me one more excuse to put off for another day, what I should have done a few years ago.

Does it really matter in the whole scheme of things?

I default to attempting to forecast my financial future and wonder about the stability of my income. It is all so very uncertain and daunting when I look beyond where I am at and look ahead too far. As much as I plan, life unfolds in its own way and in its own time. 

"Trust the pause" is my personal motto. When where I am isn't where I hope to be forever, I become impatient. The pause is there for a purpose. Use it.

I have retreated from life. COVID was my excuse and continues to be my best alibi for living small. My daughter has COVID, so I have happily accepted all the consequences that have come from that. When I know I will be in contact with people, I take another test (still coming up negative), I wear a mask and keep as wide a distance from myself and others as possible. 

Recently, I was walking through the grocery store - masked and distanced. I didn't make eye contact with people. I felt (and wanted to be) invisible. Until I met a person in the aisle and each of us kept moving out of the other's way and continued to be in each other's way for about four side steps. I finally said, "I'll just stay still so you can get around me". It was only in the aftermath of the encounter that I wondered if it was my cousin's voice that I heard as I kept my eyes averted and pretended to be invisible.

I have become so small, I feel like a speck within this universe. In reality, we are just specks in the whole scheme of things. In my most content years, I felt vital and alive within the little circle of friends and family who were my universe. Feeling like a speck is a symptom I have retreated too far within myself.

It is all within my power.

To work like my job has no end. To live healthfully as if I'm going to live to 100. To clean as if company may drop by unexpectedly. To reach out to people to refresh connections that matter so much. To structure my days in a matter where I am not simply managing ... but actually living my life.

I listened to Jane Fonda speak recently. At age 85, she is living a purposeful life and aspires to do everything within her power to leave this world in a better place than it's headed for her grandchildren. She spoke of doing a life review around the age of sixty and rebuilt her life-after-marriage at age 62. My age.

We are nearing the third year anniversary of a global pandemic which shut down and isolated the world. Three years. And I've never craved solitude more than I do right now. 

Curious and curiouser. Perhaps it is time to do a life review. Come out the other side of that and rebuild. Again. Maybe that is what "this" is all about.

And how about you? How are you managing these days? How are you feeling? Are you still dreaming of a future you are anticipating? Are you okay?

The more quiet I get, the more I wonder about others. Please take care out there. Reach out when you can. Let's rebuild our worlds. Again.