Processing the World of Words

I have had precious few words in me lately and even less time that I choose to invest in writing down my trivial and repetitive thoughts-of-the--day. Too many to-do-lists posts, not enough substance created a need to shut off my word supply.

Speaking of words, I wrote a post about "words" over at MyKarwatha.com today. Feel free to follow me over there: http://www.mykawartha.com/blogs/post/6368060-processing-the-world-of-words/

Wednesday is the New Sunday

Sunday's to-do list has been haunting me all week. The person I used to be (the one who had a weekly household chore routine in place) has also been chiding me. Then there is this "Fitbit" gadget that has been nagging at me as well. "No one" will leave me alone! My head is not a quiet nor a lonely place it seems ...

All of these little "voices" in my head must be getting through my thick skull because things are happening.

I looked down at my clean socks an hour into my day and they were covered in cat hair. My hairy socks spurred me into vacuuming the house. Maybe not every nook and cranny but definitely all of the areas we live in. While I was at it, I dusted a few objects in the kitchen and threw in a load of laundry. One load of laundry led to another and by the day's end, not only did I have a relatively clean house and an empty laundry basket, but I had well exceeded the 10,000 step goal  on my Fitbit while I took the kids outside to play in the afternoon and supposedly climbed 24 flights of stairs.

During quiet time I read and after the kids went home, I devoted an hour or more to my on-line "Living Brave" course. Those two tasks were written on my list of things I had hoped to accomplish on Sunday. You would not believe how good it felt to cross those items off my list. "Reading" and "thinking" have become jobs to me. What has happened?

I have been filling up the white space of my life with the internet and television. If I turned off all technology I have a feeling housework wouldn't be such a chore. If I grabbed a book instead of my phone during my daycare day, it may encourage the kids to do the same. My ongoing excuse is that I use my phone to take pictures of the kids (that I post on our daycare blog), so it is just a little too convenient when that blasted phone is almost always in my hand or my pocket.

It felt like some kind of wonderful to accomplish something with my day and week-in-progress. I seem to remember falling into the habit of tending all of my must-do items on my eternal to-do list before my weekends. It is energizing to do what you want to get done before the weekend arrives. Only I am about a week behind schedule. Because I can already see the tasks I neglected last week which still need tending.

Wednesday has become one of my favorite days of the week. It is my high energy day. It is the day that is smack dab in the middle of working my way through my daycare week and before the reality of working on Saturday seeps into my consciousness.

Wednesday is my new Sunday. Which should free up Sundays to allow life to unfold in whatever manner it may without a sense of guilt or loss of a day. Sunday is supposed to be a day of rest so maybe life is telling me to stop expecting so much of myself on that seventh day.

Which means I have much to do before Sunday rolls around again. I'd better get cracking!

Just Keep Swimming!

Why are my mornings never long enough? Why is a one day weekend never enough? Why can't I accomplish anything at the end of my days? Is it because I have taken up exercise and fitness that I have run out of time? Is it because I have been cleaning the house like a white tornado? Is it because I'm writing a novel? Or even reading one? In a word - "NO"

My hours, days and weeks are slipping through my fingers and I have little or nothing to show for my time. Each and every time I tend to an appointment or obligation, I erase it off my whiteboard with great flourish. DONE! Over! Good for another year (or two months or never again)! But before I have the last item erased from that board, something new and unexpected has cropped up to fill its vacancy before it was even vacated.

I had a minor to-do-list to tend with my Sunday off. I crossed one item off of it and belabored the next item for the following two days before I called in an expert and made an appointment to figure out how to best deal with this challenge. In two words? "INCOME TAX"

I find it a little ironic that people think I know something about bookkeeping, I work for an accountant and I have done my own taxes (and many others) for years, yet I feel completely inept and frightened and in need of guidance this year. Because of one thing. My youngest child will turn eighteen years old this year. Next year will be the first year since I turned eighteen years old myself, that I will become a "Single, with no dependents" tax payer. I need to ensure I am claiming every deduction available to me. All I can say is: "THANK GOODNESS I AM SELF-EMPLOYED!"

Little jobs, such as finding a picture to put inside the picture frame my oldest son gave to me have become onerous. I get sidetracked like a one-year-old who has been asked to pick up a few toys. I start playing with the toys I was supposed to put away, then find more and have triple the mess to clean up after all is said and done. "WHERE IS THE ADULT IN THIS SITUATION?"

I accomplish absolutely nothing during my daycare days. I know this is good and this is right, because that means I must be doing my job taking care of my little people. Back in my old Daycare 1.0, my kids entertained themselves. I stood quietly in the background dusting, cleaning bathrooms, scrubbing the kitchen cupboards and floor as I tended to my little people. In my dusty memories of days-gone-by, it seemed my little charges were more content. The minute these guys see me sit still, they need, want &/or demand my attention in some way. Perhaps I should start cleaning again. The key seems to be "DON'T SIT STILL!"

The saddest part of all of this is that I don't seem to be grabbing and holding onto the little moments of my day and pulling out the "good stuff". I sit still here at the computer in the morning, like I have always done and I think to myself "I DON'T HAVE ANYTHING TO WRITE ABOUT!"

Yes, I have been screaming at myself inside of my head. These capitalized sentences I have quoted are the censored version of my self talk of late. "WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?" "WHY CAN'T YOU GET ANYTHING DONE?" "WHY AREN'T YOU EATING LESS AND MOVING MORE??!!" "WHY ARE YOU SO UNMOTIVATED?" "WHERE IS YOUR GET UP AND GO, GIRL?!!?"

I have been doing one thing right though. I have peeked out from under the covers and my life has included other people lately. Socializing is good, it is positive and it is bringing me out of my head. But it is time consuming. Why can't I have it all??

At this moment in time, I feel like two-day weekends would be the answer to all of my woes. Two days. One day to "do", the other day to "be", with long weekends having a bonus day to "fritter or invest" at my leisure. 

My bookkeeping job has provided me with knowledge I didn't have before. A little knowledge is a dangerous thing. People who know me think I'm smarter than I am. I am smart enough to know I know less than I thought I did before this whole bookkeeping adventure began. My bookkeeping job has provided an income which helps subsidize the cost of living. The unfortunate truth is that next year, I should probably hand over half of that income to Revenue Canada because they will probably want it all back in taxes. 

I feel like I'm working in circles. I accomplish little and I feel like I'm going no where. One step forward, three steps back. The new daycare family who was going to come here for three months changed their mind. The same day, three different people approached me about taking care of their children. One full time family gone. Two part time families will not come close to replacing the income I have already spent (yes, I have ordered new back doors).

One step forward, three steps back. I guess as long as I keep taking that step forward I shouldn't get too lost. Or will I? "Life" is starting to bog me down. I'm treading water here and keeping afloat, but I really just want to swim out of this undercurrent and be free. 

I'm not sure how to do it but for now, I'll ... "JUST KEEP SWIMMING!"

I feel and look EXACTLY like "Marlin" (the orange clown fish) in this clip!!

I Can't Wait Until Sunday!

Ahh, this "living" thing is so time consuming! My days feel consumed with little things, my evenings have had their own agenda and mornings have been far too short lately. And now that I am actually sitting still, my brain feels empty. The only words I have written is my to-do-list for tomorrow.

Life has been clipping along at a good pace lately. I was savoring our "quiet time" yesterday afternoon knowing there was something I really, really wanted to do with that time rather than fritter it away on the computer. It was only after my kids started waking up that I realized what I had wanted to do. I wanted to read. I have gotten out so of the habit of reading, that I forget it is a viable option during the quiet part of my day.

"Reading" is on my to-do-list tomorrow, but it is hastily written down at the bottom of my list as an afterthought. I hope I remember to do it once I get there. Heavens! I hope I can cross three of those things off my list.

"Cleaning" did not even make the list. Is that "Yay, me!!" for having my priorities straight? Or is it simply more procrastination? I figure if I invite at least one person over per week, I may eventually develop the habit of keeping a cleaner living area. And by clean I mean "scrubbed clean", not just a tidy path from the door to the kitchen to the bathroom. CLEAN. One day ...

"Exercising" needs to find its way back into my life. I have been wearing my Fitbit wristband like a fashion accessory, not a motivator. I have been diligently trying to track what I have been eating and my water intake is up. But other than that, it has been doing little more than tracking my sleep and telling me that I don't move enough to support my eating habits. On a positive note, I am a pretty efficient sleeper. I am averaging over 90% in that area of my life. No wonder I like to sleep so much. I am very good at it!

"Writing" is at the top of my to-do-list. I want to get back into the habit of writing Mom's letter on Sunday, sitting at the kitchen table with a pen in hand and a cup of coffee at my side. That is how Mom's weekly letters began. The old fashioned way. Pen to paper on a quiet Sunday morning, not hastily typed before my daycare crew walks in the door on a Monday morning or (lately) forgotten altogether. I have one more batch of columns to submit and then I can breathe easy for another month.

"Numbers" have fallen to the bottom of my must-do-list. I don't love playing with numbers the way I used to. I am fanatical about balancing my bank and credit card books, keeping on top of my daycare accounting and keeping an eye on the long range forecast of my financial future. But I don't sit and "figger" like I used to. I know that I should because I need to look ahead if I want to get a handle on my financial state of affairs. But I am in denial. I'll keep plugging ahead month to month to month and let the years take care of themselves.

Working on my on-line "Living Brave" course and reading are the last two items on my list. If I leave what I want to do below what I should do, will I do it all? Or will I do nothing and waste another day just loving my little life at home with our two black cats and my youngest son?

No matter what I do, the day will come and go. And the sooner I get my "Saturday job" tended to, the sooner I can leap into my most favorite day of the year. "Sunday"!! I can't wait!

Word Quota Exceeded

There is great value to writing things down. As I scrambled to assemble enough "column worthy" articles to submit this morning, I found myself reading through the archives of my mind and I was pleasantly surprised to see that my "follow through" on goals I have set is better than I thought it was.

I knew I had to push myself out of my head and into the world more. I recognized when I started to make the transition. I had one "date" per week written down on my whiteboard. Granted, two of three of those dates were appointments, but the way it had been hurting to leave the house I knew even making appointments was important and worthy of recognition.

Then I lived the past week.

My son came over for a Sunday supper. Not a big deal for most people, but for me it was huge. I don't like to cook. When I do, it is under duress. But I assembled a no-stress, easy peasy, family favorite (spaghetti and meat sauce) and the meal was all it needed to be. It was an excuse to sit down at the same table and talk.

Two days later, my sister and her husband needed a place to stay so they were close to the hospital where he was having early morning day surgery. One thing led to the next and the next thing we knew, my sister spent two more nights here. She was an incredibly easy guest to have about and having another adult to bounce my words off of, at the end of my day was a gift. I thought I was out of words. It turns out, I was just out of "ears". Thanks, sis!

I spent one night alone and the day following that, I ran out to see Mom. The thought of sacrificing my much anticipated alone-time, to spend it travelling and visiting felt daunting at first. But that soon evolved to gratitude and appreciation when I saw how happy Mom was to have me show up on her doorstep.

I came home to column deadlines and life-as-I-knew-and-expected-it. How lucky is that?

A person plans, makes appointments, sets little goals each and every day. It seems tedious, repetitive, thankless and never-ending. But when a week unfolds pretty much like you expect it to, you are beyond lucky.

As I wiped three to-do-items off the white board last night I quietly thought "Thank you". I'm simply grateful for the tedium which is my life, that allows life to unfold just the way I hoped it would when I wrote those things down.

I'm grateful for the seeds which have been planted as I wade my way through Brené Brown's "Living Brave" course. I am starting to run behind and after watching the video portion of the lesson I have walked away and come back to do the exercises when I have time. I hastily answered her questions a few nights ago because I cannot stand to be two lessons behind and it was as if she was sitting there on the other end of my computer reading as I typed. Her final words of advise after this particular lesson was "do not rush through this course". You want these lessons to seep "into your bones" and become second nature to you. I berated myself for rushing my way through. Until I reread my recent blogs. My answers to the questions within my course have been written into my blog posts and they have penetrated my conscious mind.

I'm doing better than I thought I was. Perhaps my healthy eating and living goals have fallen by the wayside as I tend to the clutter which is my life, but I can come back to those. Or maybe, just maybe these little fitness goals are seeping into my bones more than I realize. Big, drastic changes that happen over night are hard to maintain. Small, imperceptible changes which you don't see until you look back and compare yourself to where you are to where you were are more life-altering.

Bit by bit, I hope I am changing my world. It feels a little better already. I may not be there yet, but I believe I may be on my way.

This is the inspirational quote I woke up to this morning - I think I may have accidentally stumbled onto "The key to life", just by living it as I do!

Where the Wind Blows

I have gone from life as a hermit, to a life of going out and meeting life half way (and welcoming it when it walks in the door).

I had my oldest son over for supper last Sunday, my sister spent three nights (Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday) with me last week, then on Saturday, I decided to go visit Mom on a whim this past weekend.

I wrote about it over at MyKawartha.com.:
http://www.mykawartha.com/blogs/post/6308815-where-the-wind-blows/

First Order of Business

The time is coming. But it is not today.

My new Fitbit (A new device that contains a 3D motion sensor that accurately tracks your calories burned-steps taken-distance traveled and sleep quality) is talking to me but it is really not telling me anything I didn't already know.

I don't move enough to burn off the calories I consume in a day. Something must change. It has to be me. 

First order of business must be to consume all of the junk food in the house. Then move forward from there.

P.S. Apparently I have gained 2.3 pounds since I aquired my Fitbit four days ago. I think I'm doing something wrong here. Any guesses?