"The world knows. Don't rush the moment. Trust in the moment you are in." These are the words I typed at 7:23 yesterday morning. Five minutes later, my world as I know it started to change dramatically. By the end of the day I discovered life as I know it is going to be completely upended within three weeks.
I gave my daycare families four months notice that I was closing my daycare at the end of the year. I knew this could happen. I just didn't think it would happen so suddenly. By the end of this month, only fourteen daycare days away, I will be down to taking care of one child. One.
One mouth to feed, one child to watch over, one nap time, one child, no other friends. One income. I have three weeks of income at my regularly budgeted amount. Then I'm down to "one" - 20% of the income I was anticipating for the remainder of the year. Yikes.
"The world knows. Don't rush the moment. Trust in the moment you are in."
Deep breath. Okay. I knew this could happen. I didn't think it would happen. I needed it to happen. It's okay. I'm okay. This is happening for a reason.
I was somewhat concerned that after my mini breakdown during my summer holiday, that I would end up running my daycare until Christmas, the Christmas holiday would be a blur and I would be starting a full time bookkeeping job immediately thereafter. I wouldn't end up with a break. I knew I needed a break. I am now getting a break. A pretty big one in fact.
The last daycare child standing is going to become a big sister in December. I may only have her until the end of November. I may end up with close to a month off.
This is scary. This is exciting. This is big. Change is happening and I'm actually going to have the time to embrace it, move with it and I will be forced not to take any flying leaps into the unknown. Because I will still have one child to tend. I will still need to be available nine hours a day, five days a week. I can't jump because I still have a responsibility here.
I'm grateful I simply cannot leap right now. This precipice is a little bit scary but it is exactly where I want to be. I didn't want to jump directly into another full time job when I closed up my daycare. This is exactly what I wanted. The reality is a little more nerve wracking than I expected. But I am leaning into it and trusting this is exactly where I need to be.
Tuesday, September 13, 2016
Monday, September 12, 2016
What Brutiful Moment Am I In?
Brutiful, as defined by Glennon Doyle Melton - "adj.: Life is brutal. And life is beautiful. Brutiful, I call it. Life’s brutal and beautiful are woven together so tightly they are inseparable. We must embrace both or neither. If we reject the brutal, we reject the beautiful. Our problems stem from our refusal to surrender to the fact that life is truly more brutal and beautiful than we can imagine. We must let it be. Breathe deeply and know that if we let it come and feel it all – the brutal will make us kinder, softer, stronger, even more beautiful."
Glennon and Brené Brown have teamed up and invited the world to join them. I simply sat back and listened/watched the videos they prepared for Lesson 1 in their collaborative course on "The Wisdom of Storytelling". There is much food for thought in those minutes of conversation between two of my friends who do not yet know me.
One statement resonated with me after I walked away. "Every eviction becomes an invitation". An "eviction" can be defined in a myriad of ways. A broken relationship, a death, the end of a job, a child moving up/growing up/moving on. Anything that defines a part of your life that can be taken away can serve as an eviction.
I thought of the precipice I am presently standing on and suddenly felt a wave of relief. Life is scary for me in the moment I'm in because I've been served "eviction notice" in several areas of my life. Nothing has changed yet but it could in a New York Minute.
My job is changing. My youngest son is an adult. I am concerned about Mom living on her own. I woke up one morning during my holiday knowing I could take all of this and use it as a launching point to make some big changes within my world. I could pack everything up and start over if it was necessary right now. The world had other plans but internally, I have changed.
Nothing has changed except for the fact that I will reroute my income earning abilities by the end of the year. This one change could become the catalyst of many things. It opens doors and gives me some freedom of choice. But as of the moment, all remains the same. Except what is going on inside of me.
Change is in the air and it has transformed me from the inside, out. I feel different. I feel better. I feel more capable. I feel more powerful than I've felt in a very long time.
There is a reason nothing has changed outwardly. I am where I need to be. I still have work to do within my home and family. I need to continue on in the role I am in right now for a while longer. I need to trust this moment.
But as it was when I was ready to make a sudden move almost 29 years ago, I am just as ready to move back right now. I was waiting for an "invitation", a green light, the right time and place 29 years ago. So I was ready to jump when the window of opportunity opened. I feel like I am back in the same place right now.
"Not yet" is the message I am feeling, living and receiving at the moment. Not yet ... But I am streamlining my world so I'm ready to go when the time is right. It is just not now.
The world knows. Don't rush the moment. Trust in the moment you are in.
Glennon and Brené Brown have teamed up and invited the world to join them. I simply sat back and listened/watched the videos they prepared for Lesson 1 in their collaborative course on "The Wisdom of Storytelling". There is much food for thought in those minutes of conversation between two of my friends who do not yet know me.
One statement resonated with me after I walked away. "Every eviction becomes an invitation". An "eviction" can be defined in a myriad of ways. A broken relationship, a death, the end of a job, a child moving up/growing up/moving on. Anything that defines a part of your life that can be taken away can serve as an eviction.
I thought of the precipice I am presently standing on and suddenly felt a wave of relief. Life is scary for me in the moment I'm in because I've been served "eviction notice" in several areas of my life. Nothing has changed yet but it could in a New York Minute.
My job is changing. My youngest son is an adult. I am concerned about Mom living on her own. I woke up one morning during my holiday knowing I could take all of this and use it as a launching point to make some big changes within my world. I could pack everything up and start over if it was necessary right now. The world had other plans but internally, I have changed.
Nothing has changed except for the fact that I will reroute my income earning abilities by the end of the year. This one change could become the catalyst of many things. It opens doors and gives me some freedom of choice. But as of the moment, all remains the same. Except what is going on inside of me.
Change is in the air and it has transformed me from the inside, out. I feel different. I feel better. I feel more capable. I feel more powerful than I've felt in a very long time.
There is a reason nothing has changed outwardly. I am where I need to be. I still have work to do within my home and family. I need to continue on in the role I am in right now for a while longer. I need to trust this moment.
But as it was when I was ready to make a sudden move almost 29 years ago, I am just as ready to move back right now. I was waiting for an "invitation", a green light, the right time and place 29 years ago. So I was ready to jump when the window of opportunity opened. I feel like I am back in the same place right now.
"Not yet" is the message I am feeling, living and receiving at the moment. Not yet ... But I am streamlining my world so I'm ready to go when the time is right. It is just not now.
This was my Sunday morning message from "Project Happines" yesterday morning:
Project Happiness http://www.projecthappiness.org/
#SoulSunday Challenge: Try this radical trust today - As the events of your day unfold, honor each with the acknowledgement, "Right on time." This dissolves resistance to what-is, and if you practice it enough, don't be surprised if someday soon you look around and notice the events of your life lining up in your favor...right on time.
The world knows. Don't rush the moment. Trust in the moment you are in.
Saturday, September 10, 2016
A Minor Crisis of Epic Proportions
I can feel it with every fibre of my being this morning. I'm starting to rise again. This has been a long time coming. It is my hope that the harder one has to work, the longer one has to wait and the more desperate one becomes before a change, the longer the transformation will last.
I knew this. I knew I was having my "on the floor" moment, minus the crisis. There was no drama, no fanfare nor any one catalyst that drew attention to the fact that I was losing the battle. It was quiet, undramatic and invisible to the naked eye. I was undergoing a minor crisis of epic proportions and the way it presented itself to me was a low grade depression I could not kick, with a side order of annoying little pains and topped off with an optic migraine.
I have never had a migraine headache so I was completely unaware of the optical symptoms which accompany it. My eyes simply went weird on me and it scared my socks off. My over imaginative brain had all sorts of ideas going on inside of it, from something sitting on my optic nerve, to a brain aneurysm, to a tumor, to simply a detached retina. Thankfully it was none of the above. It was a migraine headache without the pain.
Pain without a cause seems to be the common denominator within several of my recent symptoms. A sore wrist turned into a sore thumb when I went for physical therapy to cure a pain that may or may not have existed in the first place (I'm certain it existed otherwise my imagination is taking over my reality and that is too frightening to consider). I told the therapist I had a sore wrist and he "ruined" my thumb on his assumption (or my miscommunication skills) that it was related. On a positive note, my thumb pain has exceeded my wrist pain so I guess that is something. I have yet to recover from one session of physical therapy. This happened the last time went to that very office. The cure was worse than the symptom. Which makes me wonder if I was really feeling physical pain to begin with, or if this was all in my head. The opposite of my painless migraine.
Last week, it was a toothache which woke me up in the middle of the night and lasted for four days. Obviously I was not imagining this because I couldn't eat or place any pressure on that side of my mouth. So I booked an early morning emergency dental appointment to fix whatever was going wrong because I didn't have time to go twice, for something I needed fixed immediately. What happened instead, was they took an X-ray and there was no physical reason for my toothache. The dentist's best guess is that I injured a ligament in my tooth and only time would heal it. Or else the nerve was dying and a root canal would become necessary eventually. But for that day, there was physically no reason for my pain and nothing he could do to fix it.
What the heck? I came home and wondered if I have reached the age where doctors look at you and decide you aren't worth fixing any more or if I was simply imagining things. This morning, I started thinking of my invisible "rock bottom moment" without a defined crisis to warrant the event and I started to wonder if these physical symptoms without a cause was related. The pain was real in both cases (physically and mentally) but there was no excuse for it.
Hmmm.
I walked into my doctor's office for my annual physical check-up days after my "ocular migraine" feeling absolutely defeated. I felt mentally and physically spent. I didn't know what to do. I was stuck at a crossroad and it looked like a dead end. I wasn't in pain but I was (or must have been) displaying symptoms of arthritis so she offered me a perscription for "Cymbalta". which treats depression, with the added benefit of alleviating chronic pain disorders such as arthritis. The idea of taking a pill which would fix all that ailed me sounded like the best and easiest way out. I had been trying to dig myself out of the pit I had fallen into for the better part of a year. On my own, I couldn't get a strong foothold before I fell back, with every forward step. "Sign me up!" was all I could think in that very moment. She also suggested taking some arthritic painkillers to help with the no-grade pain that was causing me to slow down.
I felt euphoric when I walked out of that office, thinking I had found my solution. Call it cosmic timing, call it what you may but within a day of that event, I went out to Mom's after she broke her wrist and was dealing with physical pain with a very real and defined cause. All I could think after I returned home from my visit was her insistence that she didn't want to become reliant or addicted to any pain medication. "You feel pain for a reason" was her logic. We countered with the argument "Why feel pain if you don't have to?"
"Why feel pain if you don't have to?" The words haunted me. I stopped taking the arthritic pain killers immediately and a few weeks later, I called my doctor and told her I want to stop taking the Cymbalta. It was after I was weaned off of that medication when my tooth started to ache (well, it was also after I ate some popcorn, so I really thought my toothache was popcorn related). It was after I was told there was no reason for my tooth to ache when I truly started to question what was going on with "me".
Then I listened to another one of Glennon Melton Doyle's podcasts this morning and she talked about "rock bottom moments" and the need to not only FEEL your pain but she has actually found herself running towards it "because that's where the good stuff is" (she writes about it here: http://momastery.com/blog/2015/04/21/pain-mistake/).
I looked back on my "rock bottom moments", the moments when life brought me to my knees and YES! I totally agree and have always said (even before I knew Glennon so well) that these were the moments that changed me, rerouted my life and took me where I needed to go. Pregnant and unmarried at the age of 17, then divorced by age 18; uprooting my life and my family with little more than the clothes on my back at age 27; single and pregnant (again) at the age of 37; alone and broken hearted (after what I KNEW was going to be the relationship which I would last for the rest of my life time) at the age of 46. THESE were all of my "fall to the floor broken, broken hearted" moments that defined me and changed my life. These were awful in the moment but took me to the very best of places.
Then came the more subtle "rock bottom moments". A stream of bad work experiences outside of my home brought me back "home again". I reopened my daycare. I was still broken and wounded. I had learned lessons but I didn't take those lessons and incorporate them into my life moving forward. I simply internalized them. I lived in an insulated world of safety and acceptance for four years. Then came this year. The year of "pain without a cause".
I had hit rock bottom and there was no evidence that I was there. There was no dramatic crash. It was quiet but just as painful. And it was lonely. Lonely because I did not invite anyone into the abyss. "Yes, I'm okay. I went through a tough spell but I learned a lot." I surrounded myself within my insulated world, worked for parents who appreciated and were (are) so very kind to me. Life was good. I had no reason to complain. Except for this low grade pain I couldn't make go away. Was this the reason my body was starting to hurt for no physical reason?
I started my holiday by listening to Glennon Doyle Melton at "The Beautiful Writers Podcast": https://soundcloud.com/user-780938996/martha-beck-glennon-melton-interview-ver-2-7-29-2016 and I knew. I just KNEW I had to close my daycare and take a chance on my future. I was willing to cash in on my pension to fund my transition but I knew it with the certainty that I had to end my marriage once and for all. I knew my life depended on it. I simply KNEW.
The decision to close my daycare has been made with grace, with four month's warning and lots of time for all of us to readjust. My daycare parents, as always, have been nothing but kind to me as I explained my need to close my doors.
In closing one door, I started talking again. By talking, another door opened. By opening up and not pretending I was okay living in discomfort, I found comfort. And the opportunity to earn an income during this transitional phase.
In order for new doors to open, we have to close other doors. Standing in the doorway with one foot in both places is not my way. I'm either "all in" or I'm "all out". I have to be out of one place before I'm ready to step into another.
I have faith in the future but I need to be honest with myself and "real" with the people who walk beside me as I take steps toward uncertainty. I don't need advise or guidance. I simply need to be honest. Every single time I have been honest, I hear honesty echoed back to me. This is the world I want and need to live in. I'm not exactly sure what it looks like right now. But I know I'm one step closer than I was yesterday.
I knew this. I knew I was having my "on the floor" moment, minus the crisis. There was no drama, no fanfare nor any one catalyst that drew attention to the fact that I was losing the battle. It was quiet, undramatic and invisible to the naked eye. I was undergoing a minor crisis of epic proportions and the way it presented itself to me was a low grade depression I could not kick, with a side order of annoying little pains and topped off with an optic migraine.
I have never had a migraine headache so I was completely unaware of the optical symptoms which accompany it. My eyes simply went weird on me and it scared my socks off. My over imaginative brain had all sorts of ideas going on inside of it, from something sitting on my optic nerve, to a brain aneurysm, to a tumor, to simply a detached retina. Thankfully it was none of the above. It was a migraine headache without the pain.
Pain without a cause seems to be the common denominator within several of my recent symptoms. A sore wrist turned into a sore thumb when I went for physical therapy to cure a pain that may or may not have existed in the first place (I'm certain it existed otherwise my imagination is taking over my reality and that is too frightening to consider). I told the therapist I had a sore wrist and he "ruined" my thumb on his assumption (or my miscommunication skills) that it was related. On a positive note, my thumb pain has exceeded my wrist pain so I guess that is something. I have yet to recover from one session of physical therapy. This happened the last time went to that very office. The cure was worse than the symptom. Which makes me wonder if I was really feeling physical pain to begin with, or if this was all in my head. The opposite of my painless migraine.
Last week, it was a toothache which woke me up in the middle of the night and lasted for four days. Obviously I was not imagining this because I couldn't eat or place any pressure on that side of my mouth. So I booked an early morning emergency dental appointment to fix whatever was going wrong because I didn't have time to go twice, for something I needed fixed immediately. What happened instead, was they took an X-ray and there was no physical reason for my toothache. The dentist's best guess is that I injured a ligament in my tooth and only time would heal it. Or else the nerve was dying and a root canal would become necessary eventually. But for that day, there was physically no reason for my pain and nothing he could do to fix it.
What the heck? I came home and wondered if I have reached the age where doctors look at you and decide you aren't worth fixing any more or if I was simply imagining things. This morning, I started thinking of my invisible "rock bottom moment" without a defined crisis to warrant the event and I started to wonder if these physical symptoms without a cause was related. The pain was real in both cases (physically and mentally) but there was no excuse for it.
Hmmm.
I walked into my doctor's office for my annual physical check-up days after my "ocular migraine" feeling absolutely defeated. I felt mentally and physically spent. I didn't know what to do. I was stuck at a crossroad and it looked like a dead end. I wasn't in pain but I was (or must have been) displaying symptoms of arthritis so she offered me a perscription for "Cymbalta". which treats depression, with the added benefit of alleviating chronic pain disorders such as arthritis. The idea of taking a pill which would fix all that ailed me sounded like the best and easiest way out. I had been trying to dig myself out of the pit I had fallen into for the better part of a year. On my own, I couldn't get a strong foothold before I fell back, with every forward step. "Sign me up!" was all I could think in that very moment. She also suggested taking some arthritic painkillers to help with the no-grade pain that was causing me to slow down.
I felt euphoric when I walked out of that office, thinking I had found my solution. Call it cosmic timing, call it what you may but within a day of that event, I went out to Mom's after she broke her wrist and was dealing with physical pain with a very real and defined cause. All I could think after I returned home from my visit was her insistence that she didn't want to become reliant or addicted to any pain medication. "You feel pain for a reason" was her logic. We countered with the argument "Why feel pain if you don't have to?"
"Why feel pain if you don't have to?" The words haunted me. I stopped taking the arthritic pain killers immediately and a few weeks later, I called my doctor and told her I want to stop taking the Cymbalta. It was after I was weaned off of that medication when my tooth started to ache (well, it was also after I ate some popcorn, so I really thought my toothache was popcorn related). It was after I was told there was no reason for my tooth to ache when I truly started to question what was going on with "me".
Then I listened to another one of Glennon Melton Doyle's podcasts this morning and she talked about "rock bottom moments" and the need to not only FEEL your pain but she has actually found herself running towards it "because that's where the good stuff is" (she writes about it here: http://momastery.com/blog/2015/04/21/pain-mistake/).
I looked back on my "rock bottom moments", the moments when life brought me to my knees and YES! I totally agree and have always said (even before I knew Glennon so well) that these were the moments that changed me, rerouted my life and took me where I needed to go. Pregnant and unmarried at the age of 17, then divorced by age 18; uprooting my life and my family with little more than the clothes on my back at age 27; single and pregnant (again) at the age of 37; alone and broken hearted (after what I KNEW was going to be the relationship which I would last for the rest of my life time) at the age of 46. THESE were all of my "fall to the floor broken, broken hearted" moments that defined me and changed my life. These were awful in the moment but took me to the very best of places.
Then came the more subtle "rock bottom moments". A stream of bad work experiences outside of my home brought me back "home again". I reopened my daycare. I was still broken and wounded. I had learned lessons but I didn't take those lessons and incorporate them into my life moving forward. I simply internalized them. I lived in an insulated world of safety and acceptance for four years. Then came this year. The year of "pain without a cause".
I had hit rock bottom and there was no evidence that I was there. There was no dramatic crash. It was quiet but just as painful. And it was lonely. Lonely because I did not invite anyone into the abyss. "Yes, I'm okay. I went through a tough spell but I learned a lot." I surrounded myself within my insulated world, worked for parents who appreciated and were (are) so very kind to me. Life was good. I had no reason to complain. Except for this low grade pain I couldn't make go away. Was this the reason my body was starting to hurt for no physical reason?
I started my holiday by listening to Glennon Doyle Melton at "The Beautiful Writers Podcast": https://soundcloud.com/user-780938996/martha-beck-glennon-melton-interview-ver-2-7-29-2016 and I knew. I just KNEW I had to close my daycare and take a chance on my future. I was willing to cash in on my pension to fund my transition but I knew it with the certainty that I had to end my marriage once and for all. I knew my life depended on it. I simply KNEW.
The decision to close my daycare has been made with grace, with four month's warning and lots of time for all of us to readjust. My daycare parents, as always, have been nothing but kind to me as I explained my need to close my doors.
In closing one door, I started talking again. By talking, another door opened. By opening up and not pretending I was okay living in discomfort, I found comfort. And the opportunity to earn an income during this transitional phase.
In order for new doors to open, we have to close other doors. Standing in the doorway with one foot in both places is not my way. I'm either "all in" or I'm "all out". I have to be out of one place before I'm ready to step into another.
I have faith in the future but I need to be honest with myself and "real" with the people who walk beside me as I take steps toward uncertainty. I don't need advise or guidance. I simply need to be honest. Every single time I have been honest, I hear honesty echoed back to me. This is the world I want and need to live in. I'm not exactly sure what it looks like right now. But I know I'm one step closer than I was yesterday.
Friday, September 9, 2016
Baby, It's Dark Outside
I haven't been doing a very good job of maintaining a regular wake up time, so the shift to early morning darkness has taken me by surprise. The first time I woke up to full fledged darkness at 5 a.m., I wondered who turned out the lights. Man, it's dark out there in the morning.
Our spring felt like summer and summer sped by in a blur. Summer is gone and I have not yet managed to get out (and stay out) of last year's winter blues. I feel better than I did, but I never did get completely sunshiny and happy within and hold onto it this year.
I have a feeling fall may be the season where I realign my inner self with the seasons of the year. I will shed my leaves of the past and start the process of coming back to life. Perhaps after a slightly dormant spell.
Shedding the excess within our home has been a very good place to start. It doesn't show quite yet but that will come. I can already feel the shifting of the tides.
I look forward to dormancy. Stillness. Quiet. Time to sit still and see the wonders of small things again.
It feels natural to follow the flow of the seasons right now. I will have wound down my daycare by the time the winter season officially begins. The days will be starting to get longer by the time I enter the next phase of my "new growth". It will be winter outside but the sun will be starting to regain its foothold on darkness.
I don't know what winter has in store but I do know that I do not want to push the envelope right now. I have an opportunity for temporary full time employment but I will lose the very tentative hold I had on my financial state of affairs. I refuse to panic over the fact my finances may also be undergoing a sense of dormancy throughout the winter ahead because I have been craving a year's leave of absence from the world of work. I need this right now.
I will try to squirrel away what I need to weather the winter ahead. I started a little late in the season but it is better than not having started at all. It will be okay. It always is.
I don't know what spring holds in store but I have faith that it will all work out. If I don't let fear rule me, the sun will overtake the darkness and I will find what I need in the light of day.
I can't look too far ahead right now. I will follow the ebbs and flows of the seasons and know that spring always follows winter. But do you know what? I'm anticipating the season of dormancy I feel coming. I'm not afraid of the dark.
It's going to be okay. It always is. It is always darkest before dawn and baby, it's dark out there.
Our spring felt like summer and summer sped by in a blur. Summer is gone and I have not yet managed to get out (and stay out) of last year's winter blues. I feel better than I did, but I never did get completely sunshiny and happy within and hold onto it this year.
I have a feeling fall may be the season where I realign my inner self with the seasons of the year. I will shed my leaves of the past and start the process of coming back to life. Perhaps after a slightly dormant spell.
Shedding the excess within our home has been a very good place to start. It doesn't show quite yet but that will come. I can already feel the shifting of the tides.
I look forward to dormancy. Stillness. Quiet. Time to sit still and see the wonders of small things again.
It feels natural to follow the flow of the seasons right now. I will have wound down my daycare by the time the winter season officially begins. The days will be starting to get longer by the time I enter the next phase of my "new growth". It will be winter outside but the sun will be starting to regain its foothold on darkness.
I don't know what winter has in store but I do know that I do not want to push the envelope right now. I have an opportunity for temporary full time employment but I will lose the very tentative hold I had on my financial state of affairs. I refuse to panic over the fact my finances may also be undergoing a sense of dormancy throughout the winter ahead because I have been craving a year's leave of absence from the world of work. I need this right now.
I will try to squirrel away what I need to weather the winter ahead. I started a little late in the season but it is better than not having started at all. It will be okay. It always is.
I don't know what spring holds in store but I have faith that it will all work out. If I don't let fear rule me, the sun will overtake the darkness and I will find what I need in the light of day.
I can't look too far ahead right now. I will follow the ebbs and flows of the seasons and know that spring always follows winter. But do you know what? I'm anticipating the season of dormancy I feel coming. I'm not afraid of the dark.
It's going to be okay. It always is. It is always darkest before dawn and baby, it's dark out there.
Thursday, September 8, 2016
Downsizing
It's really no wonder I procrastinate the way I do, when it comes to matters of dealing with he excess within our home. It's time consuming.
I spent the better part of Monday sorting, organizing and ensuring I had all the parts and pieces which go with various toys I plan to get sell. Then I took pictures of everything as I went along so I was one step closer to putting them up for sale. I ended up with this:
Then came Tuesday. I went outside and did a small scale version of the above. Timing is everything when it comes to marketing your wares. If I waited until the dead of winter to sell these items, there wouldn't have been the same demand. So I am basically selling everything that either drives me crazy, is at risk of being broken or that the kids fight over. I listed 11 items for sale on an on line auction site Tuesday afternoon. I set the end of my auction for 6:00 p.m. on Wednesday.
There was a LOT of interest in what I had for sale. I had 179 followers or bids or inquiries on the above mentioned 11 items. I sold ten of them and once everyone picks up their items and pays for them, I will have netted $160.25. Not too shabby for a good day's work.
I basically needed to be available to answer any queries once I listed my items, be available to close my auction on time and advise the winners of their successful bids and now I will have to be available for the next two days while people come to pick up their wares.
It's a time consuming little project but I think it's worth it. I like the "auction" style of selling. I am uncomfortable setting a price on what I want to sell, so I list my starting bid low and let demand dictate the price. No one bids more than they are willing to pay so everyone gets the best bang for their buck.
If I list 10 items for sale over the course of the next 15 weeks and average approximately $50 per week, I will could end up with a net profit of under $1000. Is this worth it? It is the beginning of my "emergency fund" which I have a feeling I may need when my daycare income dwindles to zero. I sure wish money wasn't the boss of me. I was just attaining the financial comfort level I once knew before I quit babysitting the last time. I know of nothing I could do to earn this monthly income again.
I think I'm scaring myself back into thinking there was a very good reason I was in the daycare business to begin with. I'm in my comfort zone, doing something I can do and it pays the bills.
I need to "live smaller" if I plan to succeed on my next "life makeover". Maybe I should pack what I need and live in the back of a moving van. This guy "Thoughts From Inside the Box" does it. Maybe I could too (I may have to move to California to weather the winter though) ...
I spent the better part of Monday sorting, organizing and ensuring I had all the parts and pieces which go with various toys I plan to get sell. Then I took pictures of everything as I went along so I was one step closer to putting them up for sale. I ended up with this:
Then came Tuesday. I went outside and did a small scale version of the above. Timing is everything when it comes to marketing your wares. If I waited until the dead of winter to sell these items, there wouldn't have been the same demand. So I am basically selling everything that either drives me crazy, is at risk of being broken or that the kids fight over. I listed 11 items for sale on an on line auction site Tuesday afternoon. I set the end of my auction for 6:00 p.m. on Wednesday.
There was a LOT of interest in what I had for sale. I had 179 followers or bids or inquiries on the above mentioned 11 items. I sold ten of them and once everyone picks up their items and pays for them, I will have netted $160.25. Not too shabby for a good day's work.
I basically needed to be available to answer any queries once I listed my items, be available to close my auction on time and advise the winners of their successful bids and now I will have to be available for the next two days while people come to pick up their wares.
It's a time consuming little project but I think it's worth it. I like the "auction" style of selling. I am uncomfortable setting a price on what I want to sell, so I list my starting bid low and let demand dictate the price. No one bids more than they are willing to pay so everyone gets the best bang for their buck.
If I list 10 items for sale over the course of the next 15 weeks and average approximately $50 per week, I will could end up with a net profit of under $1000. Is this worth it? It is the beginning of my "emergency fund" which I have a feeling I may need when my daycare income dwindles to zero. I sure wish money wasn't the boss of me. I was just attaining the financial comfort level I once knew before I quit babysitting the last time. I know of nothing I could do to earn this monthly income again.
I think I'm scaring myself back into thinking there was a very good reason I was in the daycare business to begin with. I'm in my comfort zone, doing something I can do and it pays the bills.
I need to "live smaller" if I plan to succeed on my next "life makeover". Maybe I should pack what I need and live in the back of a moving van. This guy "Thoughts From Inside the Box" does it. Maybe I could too (I may have to move to California to weather the winter though) ...
Tuesday, September 6, 2016
A Boring Little Day (aka: A Boring Little Post)
I must have done something right yesterday because I slept soundly through the night for the first time in a very, very long time. What was the magical formula?
I filled myself up with inspiration and the words of my most favorite blog writer, book writer, public speaker and advocate for so many. Glennon Doyle Melton is truly my go-to person at the moment. She lifts me up, makes me feel okay to be imperfect and simply urges me to to "the next right thing". I like her.
After my Glennon fix, I wrote. It wasn't good. It was a collection of words that really didn't matter. But the thing I am discovering is if I allow myself to ramble there is often a small nugget of something that matters that hits the screen before I hit "Publish". My writing has really suffered this past long while. I have stopped writing what I've been thinking so much and for so long, that I think I may have stopped thinking. That is wrong. I still think. I have been conspiring. I've been creating an upcoming new season in my life and the writers are still out over "what happens next". I think it could be good though. Though I'm not excited, I am anticipating the change. Anticipation without dread is a very good spot when you are uprooting your life. I'll take quiet anticipation.
Then, I got up and did one small thing. Which led to several other small things. I took the mess which was our basement and made it ten times worse. Then my son asked me what he could do to help, so I sent him out to the garage to do a few tasks I have been putting off. I asked him to set up a few daycare items so I could photograph and measure them so I can list them on an auction site. I basically culled through all of my daycare excess and started the organization process to get everything I plan to sell ready for auction. It's a mess right now. Sometimes things have to get worse before they get better. This is one of those times. It is coming. But it hasn't happened yet. More anticipation.
A friend called when I was hitting my wind-down mode. I could have and should have kept going but I had hit a point where I could stop and talk with a friend. That is exactly what we did. For over two hours. I didn't have to leave the house, I didn't have to get cleaned up. I simply visited with a friend in the mess which was our home and took a break.
While we were talking, I assembled a meal out of leftovers. I had planned to run out to McDonald's as a reward for my productive day but I have a sore tooth and I really wanted something soft that didn't require a lot of chewing. So I ate a decent meal, wound down in front of the TV and revelled in several episodes of the Gilmore Girls and called it a day.
It was a boring little day but it was "the beginning of productive". Why I didn't start this mini productive spell at the onset of the weekend is anyone's guess. The honest answer is because I was feeling incredibly lazy. I keep telling myself I must have needed a few days of doing nothing because I did it so well. "Starting" is half three quarters of the battle. I sit and think, then overthink, then convince myself the task set before me is undo-able before I talk myself out of starting, which then makes the starting process even harder.
I started by turning on the light and doing "the next right thing". I simply began. Following through is so much easier once the challenge of starting has been overcome. I have begun. I have a long way to go but I have started.
I have sixteen weeks before my daycare closes and I do not want to start the job of culling, selling and donating my excess when I am done. By the time this daycare is wound down, I want my slate almost clean. I want to start over without feeling bogged down by excess, things to be done and the feeling of being overwhelmed. Life has felt very "heavy" lately and by the look of what one day uncovered, I think I know why.
I want to lighten my load, literally and figuratively. I want to live a quiet, simple little life. A life that would fit into 500 square feet sounds very good right about now.
Monday, September 5, 2016
Monday's Musings
Instead of sitting here one more day, waiting for deep thoughts, perspective and inspiration to hit me like a ton of bricks, I am simply going to sit still and type for a while. I'm going to "show up before I'm ready", as per Glennon Melton Doyle's advise.
I have been "sitting still" and reading, watching and listening to Glennon this morning. I wish she was aware of what good friends we have become but somehow I think I'm lost in the masses who adore and admire her. I look to her for inspiration and perspective. I think we could sit down and be friends (as I'm certain anyone who absorbs what she writes feels). I am not alone when I sit still with Glennon. She fills me up when I am empty. She makes me feel perfect within my imperfections. She makes me appreciate the blessing it is to be "human" and all it entails. She makes me think and strive to do "the next right thing"...
Yes, Glennon "makes" me do a lot, doesn't she? She is one of those friends you know bring out the best and finest within you. If you simply follow one of her strategies or incorporate one of her many "Glennonisms" into your inner dialogue, you will start to become more of who you are meant to be.
I am one week away from the beginning of a new online course hosted by Glennon and her friend "Brené Brown". Yes! "The Wisdom of Story" is Brené's newest online course, with the suggested reading "Love Warrior" (Glennon Doyle Melton's new book which is being released tomorrow). Add this great news to the fact that Glennon will be Oprah's guest on "Super Soul Sunday" on OWN (Oprah Winfrey Network) on September 11th and you can only imagine my elation to be so saturated with all things "Glennon", with a side order of Brené and Oprah!
Yes, I am hyped. Yes, I am ready. Yes, I need another infusion of positivity, enthusiasm and a shot of inspiration to propel me forward and through this phase of life I seem to be finding uncomfortable and hard to push through.
I have squandered an entire long weekend. I knew I should have done the "hard things" first. But I didn't. I turned on the TV instead. I got lost in my Gilmore Girl marathon and when I tired of that, I tuned into the Home and Garden Network to lose myself in the idea of rebuilding, renovating and making the most of the home I already have. And I did nothing.
I try to tell myself that I needed this long weekend to do whatever I felt like doing. This has been my version of rest and relaxation. But deep inside, I know that what I chose to fill myself up with was akin to drugs, alcohol, food and overspending. I was filling a void within by watching mindless TV, when what I needed to be doing was starting small and dealing with the mountains of "undone" tasks in and around our home. I needed to simply do the "next right thing" even if that right thing is not going to change the world.
I am committed to 16 full weeks of daycare before I hang up my daycare cape. Sixteen weeks to cull through the excess and downsize. Sixteen weeks to reimagine our home without a daycare within. Sixteen weeks to reroute my thoughts, my future and my finances. Sixteen weeks to dream of a new future with me driving my own "train". Glennon tells me I should not lose myself in my roles within my life, but instead I am to envision I am a train and I unload and take on new cargo as I go along. Glennon defines herself as a "Child of God". I am unsure how I define myself. Perhaps that is why my train feels like it is simply going in circles. My cargo is getting to be too heavy because I keep adding to my load without off-loading anything along the way.
My new vision is an empty downstairs play room. What will replace that void? My new vision leaves me three empty bedrooms upstairs. Is this why I keep falling back on the idea of renting out some of the space within this house of ours? My new vision has some blank spaces that may or may not need to be filled. Since I was seriously considering taking a year's "leave of absence" from the world of work so I could find myself, my passion and my drive again, is it possible for me to reduce my work week so I can have the best of both worlds? My new vision includes a more contented self. Will a week of not being driven by the needs of one to three year olds increase my attention span? Or will I need to disconnect from my cell phone, Internet and all social media to succeed at that?
My new vision of my life includes incorporating habits I can start doing immediately. Turning off the computer, walking away from my cell phone, turning off the TV, walking, reaching out to people more often and carving out time to write. These are a few of my must-do items in order to feel and live life more genuinely.
Maybe that is a little harsh. I may not be able to successfully disconnect from the world but I could definitely work within some guidelines. Reducing my screen time (including that time which I spend in front of the television screen) will enhance my life greatly. I was a better daycare provider, friend, writer, mover and shaker when the Internet, TV and cell phone weren't always on and buzzing in my face and in the background of my days.
I think I know where I must start. But I don't have the strength to rid myself of the TV in my bedroom oasis right now. But I could start in the playroom. It is filled with items which others may need and use more than I. It is a very good place to start.
But in the meantime, if you haven't banished yourself from "screen time", may I direct you towards some places which I have found inspiration, ambition and a little bit of courage?
Click here to read about the story of Glennon meeting her new warrior friend and her upcoming appearance on "Super Soul Sunday".
Click here to learn a little bit about the upcoming course "The Wisdom of Story" with Glennon and Brené.
Click here to find out if Glennon's new book "Love Warrior" is something you would like to read
But if you simply want to sit back and be entertained and inspired, here is one of Glennon's first videos I ever watched. Her TEDx talk:
I have been "sitting still" and reading, watching and listening to Glennon this morning. I wish she was aware of what good friends we have become but somehow I think I'm lost in the masses who adore and admire her. I look to her for inspiration and perspective. I think we could sit down and be friends (as I'm certain anyone who absorbs what she writes feels). I am not alone when I sit still with Glennon. She fills me up when I am empty. She makes me feel perfect within my imperfections. She makes me appreciate the blessing it is to be "human" and all it entails. She makes me think and strive to do "the next right thing"...
Yes, Glennon "makes" me do a lot, doesn't she? She is one of those friends you know bring out the best and finest within you. If you simply follow one of her strategies or incorporate one of her many "Glennonisms" into your inner dialogue, you will start to become more of who you are meant to be.
I am one week away from the beginning of a new online course hosted by Glennon and her friend "Brené Brown". Yes! "The Wisdom of Story" is Brené's newest online course, with the suggested reading "Love Warrior" (Glennon Doyle Melton's new book which is being released tomorrow). Add this great news to the fact that Glennon will be Oprah's guest on "Super Soul Sunday" on OWN (Oprah Winfrey Network) on September 11th and you can only imagine my elation to be so saturated with all things "Glennon", with a side order of Brené and Oprah!
Yes, I am hyped. Yes, I am ready. Yes, I need another infusion of positivity, enthusiasm and a shot of inspiration to propel me forward and through this phase of life I seem to be finding uncomfortable and hard to push through.
I have squandered an entire long weekend. I knew I should have done the "hard things" first. But I didn't. I turned on the TV instead. I got lost in my Gilmore Girl marathon and when I tired of that, I tuned into the Home and Garden Network to lose myself in the idea of rebuilding, renovating and making the most of the home I already have. And I did nothing.
I try to tell myself that I needed this long weekend to do whatever I felt like doing. This has been my version of rest and relaxation. But deep inside, I know that what I chose to fill myself up with was akin to drugs, alcohol, food and overspending. I was filling a void within by watching mindless TV, when what I needed to be doing was starting small and dealing with the mountains of "undone" tasks in and around our home. I needed to simply do the "next right thing" even if that right thing is not going to change the world.
I am committed to 16 full weeks of daycare before I hang up my daycare cape. Sixteen weeks to cull through the excess and downsize. Sixteen weeks to reimagine our home without a daycare within. Sixteen weeks to reroute my thoughts, my future and my finances. Sixteen weeks to dream of a new future with me driving my own "train". Glennon tells me I should not lose myself in my roles within my life, but instead I am to envision I am a train and I unload and take on new cargo as I go along. Glennon defines herself as a "Child of God". I am unsure how I define myself. Perhaps that is why my train feels like it is simply going in circles. My cargo is getting to be too heavy because I keep adding to my load without off-loading anything along the way.
My new vision is an empty downstairs play room. What will replace that void? My new vision leaves me three empty bedrooms upstairs. Is this why I keep falling back on the idea of renting out some of the space within this house of ours? My new vision has some blank spaces that may or may not need to be filled. Since I was seriously considering taking a year's "leave of absence" from the world of work so I could find myself, my passion and my drive again, is it possible for me to reduce my work week so I can have the best of both worlds? My new vision includes a more contented self. Will a week of not being driven by the needs of one to three year olds increase my attention span? Or will I need to disconnect from my cell phone, Internet and all social media to succeed at that?
My new vision of my life includes incorporating habits I can start doing immediately. Turning off the computer, walking away from my cell phone, turning off the TV, walking, reaching out to people more often and carving out time to write. These are a few of my must-do items in order to feel and live life more genuinely.
Maybe that is a little harsh. I may not be able to successfully disconnect from the world but I could definitely work within some guidelines. Reducing my screen time (including that time which I spend in front of the television screen) will enhance my life greatly. I was a better daycare provider, friend, writer, mover and shaker when the Internet, TV and cell phone weren't always on and buzzing in my face and in the background of my days.
I think I know where I must start. But I don't have the strength to rid myself of the TV in my bedroom oasis right now. But I could start in the playroom. It is filled with items which others may need and use more than I. It is a very good place to start.
But in the meantime, if you haven't banished yourself from "screen time", may I direct you towards some places which I have found inspiration, ambition and a little bit of courage?
Click here to read about the story of Glennon meeting her new warrior friend and her upcoming appearance on "Super Soul Sunday".
Click here to learn a little bit about the upcoming course "The Wisdom of Story" with Glennon and Brené.
Click here to find out if Glennon's new book "Love Warrior" is something you would like to read
But if you simply want to sit back and be entertained and inspired, here is one of Glennon's first videos I ever watched. Her TEDx talk:
May your day be inspired and filled with exactly what you need right now. "Happy Monday" to you.
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