Technology Overload

Well? The weekend I was so grateful to find at the end of my Friday last week? The two days of grace I most look forward to even at my advanced age? Poof! Gone. All in a matter of hours, as I dealt with technological difficulties beyond my pay grade.

Saturday afternoon, I spent three and a half hours of trying to remedy my boss's computer from the comfort of my own home. I had utilized every troubleshooting tool I had in my tool kit, made calls to the antivirus tech people, Microsoft tech team and was finally told this issue had to be referred to the next layer of assistance. It was beyond the ground level of help available that day. They could not go any further until Monday. 

I made arrangements to ensure I was at work, in person, first thing Monday morning. My carefree weekend spirit went up in smoke. Poof! Just like that. The heaviness of my work week infiltrated my Saturday.

Sunday was better. I tamped down my anxiety, focused my attention on family, communication and parenting. Other than our fax answering our phone instead of the answering machine (I spent an hour on the phone with our personal printer tech team last week and they finally gave up), the day went off according to plan. I assembled a fairly decent Sunday supper. I got enough sleep. I was fortified by family. I ate well. Then I slept.

I woke up Monday morning to find my own personal computer all of a sudden did not recognize the mouse I have been using. I unplugged it, tried another mouse. That mouse didn't work either. I was instantly transported back to the anxiety ridden emotions that crested Saturday afternoon. Oh no! Not more!! Please no more technological issues!! Please? 

Then I tried plugging the mouse into a different port on the computer and my troubles were resolved instantly. This would prove to be an omen for the day ahead.

Monday morning dictated working outside our home. I made it to the office right on schedule. The first thing I did was unplug the internet router for a minute. The minute the internet connection was restored, all issues were resolved. Now that is a good way to start a week.

I was so fortified by my success that I came home, determined to resolve the fax machine beating the answering machine to the phone. I unhooked the fax machine. Guaranteed success. Right?? Wrong. I'm back to the drawing board again this morning. 

I am growing tired of troubleshooting the technology that has invaded our world. People are NOT meant to have home offices, computers and fax machines living with them in their homes. It is not the natural order of things to have your worst work nightmares move in to stay. 

But ... this is the life I have chosen, desire as much as the pay cheque itself and will continue to do everything it takes to make it work. 

Please excuse me while I make a phone call to our telephone tech team. 

May all your technology work for you today. Happy Technologically Trouble-free Tuesday to you!

It's Always Darkest in the Middle of the Night

As I near the end of my first work week after holidays, "Friday" is my savior. I can do anything for ONE more day.

The weight of the world I felt upon waking the mornings that preceded this one have lifted. I had a human experience that knocked me off my pedestal and I have landed smack dab back in the middle of reality. I made a mistake.

This is not the first time I have made an error in a larger-than-life kind of way (at least it feels like that in the moment I'm in). What I am pondering is: are high stress levels the precursor to these misdeeds? How many times have I been ready to throw in the towel and quit everything preceding some of the bigger mistakes I've made? Almost every time.

The moment I find out I've made a grievous error, I plummet down to earth with a thud. I am human. I am no better than anyone else. I am humbled to a place where I must begin again. Ground zero.

In that moment, I am upset by no one else but myself. I am back in a place where I am the only one who can control how I act and react. I am back in my own driver's seat.

Each time I fall, I pick myself up, dust myself off, make note of the lesson I've learned and take the next forward step. These are a few of the mantras I've picked up along the way:

• In the thick of a chaotic, stressful, anxiety ridden moment, do NOT make any sudden moves.
• Act. Don't REact.
• See how it feels in the morning.
• Listen to that which wakes you up at night.
• If the same thing continues waking you up at night, your inner voice is telling you something you need to know.

Waking up to this morning wasn't as hard as waking up to yesterday or the day before or the day before that. I hit my peak of darkness "yesterday". I couldn't see the light. I felt powerless. 

May you find a light to guide you through your own personal dark spells. It is there somewhere. It may feel out of reach. You may have to stumble and fall before you find it. 

Don't give up. 

There comes a point when the darkness turns to light. But it is hard to remember that because it always feels darkest in the middle of the night.

Unrest

The news channels are pouring out 24/7 news on the state of unrest that has upset the status quo within the world around us. I am not well versed enough to speak to the topic. I watched one half hour broadcast of our national news so I am not completely in the dark. As messages from world leaders punctuated the wind up of the day's events, the one message that spoke most loudly came from South Africa. Simple and powerful in its message "Pray for America".

Meanwhile, within the safe, quiet, bubble wrapped little world I exist in, I tossed and turned most of the night wrestling my own state of unrest. The contentment of my Christmas vacation bubble has burst and I'm counting the minutes to retirement ...

When work issues wake me up at night, I know there has been too much unfinished business at the end of the day. I do my best to confront those middle-of-the-night thoughts the following day and I succeed at my mission more often than not. But it is more than the work load. 

My subconscious mind took my thoughts and spun them into a dream. I used to "run away" and spend a weekend with Mom when I felt like this in the past. So in my dream, I did just that:

I was visiting Mom in her new home. She was well, content and making her way through her new life with ease. 

She lived in a brand new home, sparsely furnished only with what she needed. She had a walk in closet large enough to be a spare bedroom, with only a few clothes on the hangers. Her bedroom was sun lit and huge, with only a bed in the middle of it. 

She had a young boarder living with her [I'm pretty sure it was Mark Sloan's daughter from Grey's Anatomy - I had finally fallen asleep to one of those episodes]. Mom was completely at ease with the comings and goings of this young girl. The girl offered to show me her living space. She lived downstairs and had taken over the space in an over-the-top kind of way. Stuff. Clutter. Belongings everywhere. And did Mom mind? Not a bit.

Mom talked on her cordless phone as she wandered through her expansive living area. I commented on it [Mom despised talking on a cordless phone in real life] and she replied, "There is really no other way here ..."

The dream was comforting. Mom was there for me when I went to visit. She was calming. She was so content. Her attitude was that of "That's okay" [I rewind my memory reel to the video my brother created, called "A Day in the Life of Mom and Tramp", as our family pet was recorded on video, doing all the things he was never allowed to do in Mom's presence. Then when my brother interviewed Mom for this home movie, when he asked what she thought of this she simply stated, "That's okay"].

I woke up from my dream not wanting to leave the safe harbor of visiting Mom in her new home. The essence of "Mom" was exactly what I needed.

I want to run away. My Christmas vacation was heavenly. I didn't leave the house, I didn't answer to anyone, everything we needed was right here under our roof. 

During my holiday, I worked at my bookkeeping job several days. I could honestly say I loved my job when the day wasn't punctuated with various interruptions, phone calls, urgent needs to meet and losing control of the day. I started work when I was ready to start. I quit when I was finished with what I hoped to accomplish with the day, without having to be somewhere else by a certain time. It was heavenly.

I have organized my little world so I rarely have to enter a store or be in contact with people in any more than a minimal way. My first day back was "can you go here" then "deliver this there", followed by "can you pick this up" then go "do this" then "work outside of home" ...

All of this extra-curricular contact after spending eleven days isolating at home were uncomfortable. The tipping point? The expectation of working outside my home. I wrestled with anxiety throughout yesterday and into the night. I woke up this morning feeling all angsty. 

There is a state of unrest in the world. My troubles are nothing in the whole scheme of things. I know this. Oh, what I would give to be able to run off to Mom's for the weekend ...

I miss you, Mom. That is all.

One New Thing

I have just finished watching the Minimalist's new Netflix documentary "Less is Now".

In the spirit of "minimalism", I will add no more other than this documentary spoke to me. It may speak to someone else. It may not.

I will endeavor to post "that which brings me joy" or inspiration or food for thought here for a while. We are all navigating the ongoing pandemic in our own unique way. I have been seeking joy. In the small things.

Here is "one new thing" to add to my un-blogged little things that make me think.

The question is: What will be the catalyst to make me ACT?

Everything is Okay

I have not had much of an inclination to "write out loud" for the past while. Largely, in part to the reams of mostly empty notebooks, journals, memo pads and various forms of writing paper I have unearthed within our home. 

As I made my way through closets, drawers and Rubbermaid containers full of memories, mementos, pictures and miscellanea of all kinds I came up with this stack of writing paper:

Add this to Julia Cameron's suggestion to hand write three full 8-1/2" by 11" pages each and every morning as soon as you wake up and I felt like my world was telling me: Write. Journal. By hand. For yourself. Unedited. Uncensored. Just write!!

So that is exactly what I have been doing. Many pages are filled with numbers, calculations, budgeting, income tax and future goals. Other pages are filled with lists. A lot of my waking thoughts have to do with my bookkeeping responsibilities. But every now and again little morsels of inner perspective surface, as I fight with pens that skip, refuse to write and make hand writing twice the chore it should be. 

I have carved out time to think, ponder, sift through the thoughts I wake up with. There has been some growing, evolving, adapting and pondering going on within my unpublished thoughts. I may choose to write more about that which I feel stirring within my soul one day. I may not.

Everything is okay. I don't want to lose my blogging habit. But journaling by hand takes time and effort that leaves little left over to share on a public forum. Maybe one day. Maybe soon. Maybe not. I'm still here. I'm still writing.

And how are YOU??