Hanging in the Balance

A little while ago, I wrote about my favorite place to be: "The Place Between Yes and No". May I add an addendum to that? My least favorite place to be is "Hanging in the Balance".

It is the place where you stick your neck out and ask, suggest or attempt to change your destiny. And the answer is "Nothing". Absolutely nothing.

Where do you go from there?

I asked the questions. I received the response "I'm very busy right now, but I will answer you later". That was over two weeks and two quiet reminders later.

I have submitted some resumes/applications to a few job positions that could enable me to continue to follow the path that I'm on. It is not surprising that I have heard nothing. But it is disappointing.

I even applied to be a volunteer for an upcoming event in our city. Even though my application was received on the last day of their deadline, would it be too difficult to set up an automatic reply that stated the positions were filled and thank me for my application? Or a 'thanks-but-no-thanks' response? Something? Anything??

As Easter Monday (a holiday for some, but not all) turned into a regular work-day-Tuesday, I thought that a few responses would roll in. That the phone would ring. That I would hear something. Tuesday has turned into Wednesday and I am still waiting.

I can accept that no response is the answer "No" from a position with a well-defined deadline. I wish that on-line applications were acknowledged with a response: "We have no openings at this time, but will keep your application on file." I know that resumes are accepted with the proviso, "Don't call us, we'll call you". I know that people are busy and return phone calls are not high on the urgency list. But people ... please give me something!

I may not find the answers that I am seeking, but "No" or "I cannot guarantee what the future holds" gives me something to work with.

Hanging in the balance is depleting me. I didn't have much to start with. I know that "no answer" really means that I must take the reins of my life and move forward. In some direction. In any direction. Standing still is really not an option (but if I got the answer I was hoping for, I could afford to idle just a while longer).

I am stuck out here in no-man's land. In a place where there are no answers. Only more questions.

The biggest question I face? "What now??"

No Sweat

“Stress is nothing more than a socially acceptable form of mental illness.”

~ Richard Carlson

"Don't Sweat the Small Stuff" by Richard Carlson. Remember the book and the common place phrase that followed it? I have perfected the art. I don't sweat at all anymore.

As I was tidying up the house yesterday for company the words 'I just don't care' wafted in and out of my brain with great regularity. We don't live in a pig sty. The house is tidy, everything has its place, things are organized and it is quite simply good enough.

I haven't washed the blinds, scrubbed the windows or cleaned all the nooks and crannies around here for longer than I care to put in writing. I'm a clean-as-I-go kind of girl. If I see dirt, I deal with it. I just don't play hide and seek with it any more. If it's hiding, it could be a while before I take my turn and start seeking.

I used to deal with clutter on a regular basis. Now? I cull as I go; make a pile; and when the pile gets too high I make it disappear. I don't open a closet door just for fun and think 'I'm going to declutter this today'. That just doesn't happen any more.

I used to work hard enough to break a sweat. I used to dance and exercise hard enough be wringing wet. I even used to break a sweat if I started thinking too hard! Now? I don't sweat. At all.

Have I gone too much the other way? I used to be obsessive about this stuff. I used to drive myself (and the people around me) crazy with my standards and expectations.

A friend painted a picture in my mind that may explain (or excuse) this phenomenon. She said to think of a pendulum. I used to function on the far arc of that pendulum's swing when I was obsessive about work; cleaning and organizing. She suggested that all that has happened, is that (for now) the pendulum has swung to the complete opposite end of that spectrum. In time, I will settle in a place that I like to call a 'happy medium'.

I'm coming back to a new normal. I'm just enjoying hanging out where I'm at right now.

“The key to a good life is this:

If you're not going to talk about something during the last hour of your life,
then don't make it a top priority during your lifetime.”

~Richard Carlson

Yes Woman!

It is time to start saying 'Yes!' to life again.

I have fallen into a bad habit of saying (thinking) 'I would, but ...' I seem to have an excuse, an alibi or a very good reason to say 'No' to too many things lately.

I would exercise, but I my feet are a mess. I would enrol in a Zumba class (despite my bad feet), but I can't spend the money right now. I would apply for a different job, but I think I'm on the right path with the job I have. I would sign up for a paper route, but I don't want to be tied down six days of the week.

I should clean the house, but if I don't get started first thing in the morning my day is wasted (what kind of an excuse is that?!?!). I should walk the dog, but the other dog would be jealous. I should get busy on the book I'm 'writing', but I don't want to unless I have the perfect writing conditions. I should write up an arsenal of columns, but I have no inspiration ...

Why do I not have any inspiration?? Because I have stopped living my life!

I have allowed my current situation to envelope and deplete me. I have waves of energy but they pass before I act on them. Or I quit before I get energized with the idea of completing the job before me. Everything overwhelms me these days. There is too much to do and I have stopped taking those first steps to start the job, let alone complete it.

When you live a life of saying 'No' or finding an excuse to almost any opportunity that comes your way, you stop living.

This morning I called a friend that I have been thinking about (but not following through and calling) lately. Our conversation inspired and motivated me out of my computer chair and back into the world of the living (at least for this morning).

After I hung up the phone, I put my name in to be a volunteer for an upcoming event. I applied to be a paper/flyer carrier (but qualified that I would like to share a route or be available to cover holidays for another carrier). I printed off another resume and cover letter which I will deliver next week. I have a free fitness pass sitting beside me that I am going to use.

Maybe I don't have to say 'Yes' to absolutely everything that comes my way.  But I can work to eliminate the word 'but'. Saying 'Yes' may be scary, but saying 'No' depletes me.

Saying 'Yes' may be frightening but once you get beyond that, 'yes' opens doors and invigorates you. Getting past the fear is the hardest part. Once you overcome that hurdle, 'yes' can be intoxicating.

Go for it!! Say 'Yes' to life today .... and see what a difference it makes.

Inspired

I love where I work. One of the benefits of my job as a substitute secretary for the schools is that I get to work in a vast number of schools across the city.

I am in awe of the teachers, principals, EA's (Educational Assistants), counsellors, caretakers and the vast population of the school system that makes everything work.

I work in the office so I see, hear and feel only a small portion of what transpires in a day but it makes an impact.

I hear teachers working together with everyone on their team. I hear administrators (principals, vice principals) encouraging, listening and available to staff and students alike. It feels like a family working together for the sake of their children. Doing the best that they can within the confines of a school day.

I hear calmness in their voices despite what is happening around them. I feel 'the love' as they talk, counsel and listen to the children. I see how excited the kids are as they start their day and can't wait to tell their school family what is new in their world.

No ... it isn't a perfect world. But it isn't for lack of effort. I wish that these kids knew how much goes on behind the scenes. Do the parents and students realize how hard their family at school is working to find the best solutions for them as they makes every attempt to make the educational experience a positive one?

It takes quite a team to make everything work. I am so grateful for the opportunity to sit back and absorb the wonder of what it takes to get through a day in the life of these leaders.

A day at school is so much more than the academics of learning. I am grateful for each day that I get to go to work and learn. I am inspired.

The High Cost of Instability

The phone rang at 6:31 on Sunday night. It was the 'Automatic Dispatch System' from work. I got a call to go to work Monday morning.

I went to bed Sunday night knowing that I would be working the next day. Knowing is kind of a relative word in my world. Planning to work is a better way to describe it. Because things change. And they did.

Just when I thought it was too late in the morning to get a cancellation, the phone rang again. But the voice on the other end asked if I could work at a different school than the one I was originally called to. Sure! And so I went.

While I was at work on Monday, they asked if I could come back on Tuesday. Definitely! So I went to sleep two nights in a row, knowing planning to work the next day.

I got a call while I was at work on Tuesday, asking if I could work at the same school for the rest of the week. You bet!

I have gone to bed every night this week, 'knowing' that I was working the next day. Not only that, but knowing where I would be working (with the exception of one morning).

On a typical weekday morning, I get up and ready for the day just as I would if I was going to work. By the time 6:30 a.m. rolls around I'm ready for that phone call. The longer the phone doesn't ring, the more I don't want to go to work. When a person doesn't work enough, they quickly lose their desire to work.

Sometimes the phone rings. Sometimes it doesn't. Sometimes I get a call; then shortly thereafter, I get a cancellation. I have had my destinations changed enroute to work. I have had my day change half way through the day.

It has been an emotional roller coaster ride. I'm losing my desire to work, but I need to work. When I don't work, I don't get paid. I have lived with an unstable income since My Youngest was born. But things have never been quite this tight. My safety nets are gone and I feel vulnerable.

A person is fortunate when you have a good idea what to expect when you wake up in the morning. As inconvenient as this is, I know that I am lucky. I know that my working hours will fall within the confines of Monday - Friday; 8:00 a.m. to 4:00 p.m. ... it could be much, much worse. To be on call 24/7 is most definitely something I would not wish upon anyone. Yet there are jobs that expect this and people that work these hours.

I didn't realize the magnitude of the effects of my job instability until this week. This week has shown me what I need, to turn my thoughts around. I want to find that within the job I am working at. I need to find it somewhere.

That's a relief. Because there for a while, I thought perhaps I was losing my sanity.

Working on Empty

I have been running out of moisturizer for my face for the past few months. Granted, I don't use much ... but the amazing thing is how much was still left in the bottle after most people would have considered it empty.

I turned the bottle upside down. That easily added a month onto the lifespan of my lotion. When it started gasping and sputtering, I shook it vigorously every time I used it and that added at least two more weeks to its life span. When shaking the bottle every which way provided little more than a breath of air from the bottle, I cut the bottle in half and scraped out the contents into another moisturizer jar. And that is still going strong.

I remember the angst that I felt when I spent cash that I really didn't have, to ensure that I still had a supply of moisturizer on hand when this 'almost empty' bottle ran out. That was February 13th. I was (what I thought) half way through the drought season of my current budget situation. It was money that was going to be spent one time or another ... so why not then?

Since that time, I have been squeezing the most out of my budget in much the same fashion as my overturned moisturizer bottle.

As with my moisturizer, I am finding that a little dab'll do me. Less is more when it comes to extra-curricular spending. Spend with abandon and you forget to appreciate the little things. I love when a take-out meal feels like an occasion instead of a week-day-coping-mechanism.

I turned my spending habits upside down and made the most of what I had. It went farther than I thought it would. Just when things were getting tight, I 'shook things up' and a well timed income tax refund covered past, present and (a few) future shortages. As I look ahead and see more uncertainty in my future, I foresee scraping the bottom of the barrel to make this work.

This is where the parallels end. Unlike replenishing my moisturizer in a time of financial uncertainty, nothing short of a miracle (a full-time position at work would suffice, but a winning lottery ticket would suffice) will provide that 'extra bottle of moisturizer' to pull from the cupboard when the well runs dry.

I have been looking for answers but they are taking their time revealing themselves to me. I haven't resorted to scraping the bottom of the barrel. I don't mind doing so ... but I need to know what I have in my reserves before I deplete that which I have.

My depleted moisturizer supply is symbolic of my financial state. What appears to be empty can be stretched to last much longer than one would expect.

I'm getting the best mileage that I can, out of what I've got. If I run out of gas, I will walk. I will keep moving ... of that, I am certain.

Elusive

It's just out of my grasp. It flits by me and hovers close by ... but when I try to grasp it and hold onto it, it remains just out of my reach.

I long to wrap myself within the protective layers of my life and I don't want to peek my head out until I am transformed within. Something feels broken and I want to cocoon myself away from reality until it is mended.

I want to be alone; I need to be around people. I want to curl up into a ball until this passes; I need to get out and push my limits. I want to cry; I need to laugh. I want time off; I need to work.

This too, shall pass. I know this. But I am getting impatient. This has been going on too long.

There is only one person in the world that can make a difference. I look at her reflection in my mirror and I want to shake her out of this stupor.

Words are not enough. It is time to take action. Small steps are better than no steps at all.

“When you're lost in those woods, it sometimes takes you a while to realize that you are lost. For the longest time, you can convince yourself that you've just wandered off the path, that you'll find your way back to the trailhead any moment now. Then night falls again and again, and you still have no idea where you are, and it's time to admit that you have bewildered yourself so far off the path that you don't even know from which direction the sun rises anymore.” ~ Elizabeth Gilbert