I Love Mornings!

I love mornings!

I wrote those words yesterday morning and my head had a half hearted idea about what I may write next. But what happened next was "The Bird" post which fell straight out of my heart, through my fingertips and onto the page.

I love when that happens.

Which brings me back to yesterday morning's thoughts. My love for "morning" has returned. I wake up, allow my thoughts to linger, then hop out of bed and into the day with a quiet anticipation of what lies in store.

My inability and lack of desire to open my eyes, let alone get out of bed and confront the day during the The Longest Winter of my life seems to be behind me. I wake up, "great ideas" come to me, I act on them, I write a little, I figure a little, I dream a little ...

Yes, my dream state has been reactivated.

I don't have a bucket list and doubt I ever will. What I have instead, are little scraps of paper where I write down ideas as they come to me:

• Waskesiu - Kelly
• Victoria -?
• Who do I want to BE?
• Reintroduced the wolves...

These are the highlights of one side of a scrap of a paper in front of me at the moment. On the back of that same tiny piece of paper are dates of up and coming commitments.

I can write down a date in the future without feeling great angst overcome my being once again. This is new. This is SO new!

Life had a lot of lessons to dole out over the course of the past seven years or so. Yes, I remember the initiating incident. It was March 11, 2011 - I started writing about it here: "When Life as You Know It ... Isn't".

As I scan a few of the posts I wrote after the "initiating incident", I can clearly see my search for the lessons immediately in the aftermath. I wrote the words:

"Challenges force me to confront issues. One always has a choice in life. Do I choose to do nothing and expect nothing [should read] something to change? Do I have any control over any aspect of this situation? Is there any way that a compromise can be made? Do I have the courage to make a change?"

As I reread those words, I can replay incidents where I acted and reacted to what happened next according to the way I processed life after that point in time.

Seven years. The list of "what happened next" scrolls through my mind like the opening scene of a Star Wars movie. The list is long. There was so much loss during that time. So many life transitions. So many lessons ...

There have been ups and downs, hills and valleys, so many memorable moments and no matter how much sadness there was stirred into the mix, gratitude and acceptance sifted to the top every time. Every time.

As I started the walk of The Year After Mom, I lost my way. I lost the identity that "Being Mom's Daughter" gave me. I had no idea how much of myself was wrapped up in the way I defined myself.

The lessons just keep coming.

As I opened my eyes, cleared the fog and became open to receive the wisdom of the world around me, a few quotes seemed to be reoccuring.

Children are often asked "What do you want to DO when you grow up?" It has been suggested that the better question is "Who do you want to BE?" I  just listened to Abby Wambach's commencement address she gave for the Barnard College Class of 2018. She encompassed these questions and summarized by saying, "What you DO will never define you. Who you ARE ... will."

My identity is no longer wrapped in the word "daughter". Yes, I am still a daughter. I can label myself in any number of ways. But more importantly, "Who do I want to BE?" is the question I must ask.

If I could be described in one word, what would I want that word to be? I believe if I could simply be defined as "kind", that is who I would want to be, become and remain true to BEING. That would be enough.

If you feel like you are losing your way ... have lost part of how you identify yourself ... are wandering aimlessly without passion and drive ... ask yourself, "Who do I want to BE?"

I truly believe that once a person's energy is clearly focused on something, they unconsciously start drawing an energy toward themselves which makes that outcome possible. BE who you want to become and lets watch the results unfold together!

The Bird

I was sitting at the table this morning when I heard the distinctive sound of a bird who had just flown into the kitchen window. My thoughts immediately returned to the last time I heard that very sound.

Mom and I were sitting in her sunroom, enjoying a gorgeous summer day and the unintentional bird sanctuary which was Mom's yard. Suddenly out of nowhere, a little bird flew into Mom's sunroom window.

I immediately went to check on it. It had landed on the park bench which was right under the window. I watched it take its last breath. I hoped dearly that it wasn't. I desperately wanted it to just be a concussion.

Mom and I were both hopeful and sad as we knew the fate of this poor little bird had already been dealt. I lightly stroked the bird's chest as I willed it to breathe again. Nothing.

"Move it onto the grass," Mom suggested. A softer place to land. A more natural setting for this bird to lie.

I moved the bird to a soft, grassy patch below and it was an easier sight to see. Please take another breath, I quietly wished.

That little bird never took another breath.

"Did you realize you were petting the bird?" Mom asked. Yes, I did. I knew.

I knew my days with Mom were numbered and the tenderness I felt for this innocent little bird was a foreshadowing of what was to come.

With the gentle act of being there, letting that little bird know it was not alone while it took its last breath, I felt Mom watching over the scene. "I will be there for you, Mom. You will not be alone. I can accept what is coming. I will be tender with you, your memories and the moment. I promise."

Of course I didn't say a word of what I was thinking aloud but I felt Mom listening to my thoughts. I think she knew what I was thinking, just the same as I hoped she would find comfort in knowing I would be okay when she took her last breath.

That little bird was an omen of what was yet to come.

When the little bird flew into our window this morning, I wanted no such omen. I ran out to check on it. It was lying on its back. But it was breathing steadily. I watched. I waited. I made sure it wasn't just a breeze blowing the bird's feathers. No, it was breathing. Soon, I could see the bird struggling to get back on its feet. It was alive!

I went to get a pair of gloves so I could help the little bird off of its back. By the time I returned, he had flipped himself over. This was a very good sign...

Its eyes were closed. But it was breathing. It was going to be okay. I didn't want to leave the little guy alone, vulnerable to any forces of nature which would prey on it while it was down. I stayed.

I walked away for a few minutes and returned to find this strong and courageous little bird on his feet. His eyes were open and he was becoming more alert.

Still at first, but eventually reacting to the sounds around him. He started turning his head, our eyes met, he knew I was too close for comfort but he stayed. He wasn't quite ready to fly.

I sat still, I made little clicking noises I make when I think I'm speaking the language of nature. I encouraged him. I told him he was safe with me.

I could feel the moment coming. Then it arrived.

My little wounded bird flew off to join his friends. He was okay.

There are so many little triggers I feel within this "Year After Mom". The knowledge that moments are fleeting, life is precious but it is not eternal.

I needed a sign of life. A happy story.

We often speak of Mom's wish to fly like an eagle if there was such a thing as reincarnation. We have watched the sky and many family members have had out of the ordinary eagle sightings. Not me. I have not had nature speak aloud to me (though I did wonder about the rabbit who ran across the shopping mall parking lot just as I was approaching my car).

But this morning. Long after the moment ended. Just this moment in fact, I wondered ... if Mom could find a way of communicating "life" and that she is okay, would she not choose to recreate the moment we shared with that little bird whose life touched and united us in quiet thought? She might.

Life is a precious thing. You can be flying along, enjoying a perfect spring morning when "BAM!", out of nowhere, the wind is knocked right out of you. We are very fortunate when we can pick ourselves up, shake ourselves off and fly off into our future. It doesn't always happen that way. But when it does, it is reassuring to share the moment with someone who hears your thoughts.

You were not alone, Mom. You were not alone...

New Dilemmas

I'm stepping into new territory here. It is mostly okay but I am a little unsteady as I walk this walk. I have made future plans. Twice. Within two weeks.

My first acceptance of "future planning" started like this:

"Thank you so much for (once again!) including me in your invitation, but I think (once more) I will decline ..."

I crossed out the words and accepted the invitation instead. And it felt okay.

Then two days ago, I wrote the words, "IF I was to plan to fly out to Ontario for an extended long weekend sometime this summer, would anyone be interested in joining me? I know of a very good Bed & Breakfast close to where our uncle lives... "

My brother accepted this challenge. Last night we booked our flights.

Both invitations revolve around a weekend, so little time off from my work is required. That is good in a bad kind of way (I kind of enjoy the idea of a one or two week holiday), but it is manageable. It makes it easy to say yes.

I have slotted in the costs for both of these little adventures into my budget. I can make the financial ends meet with little sacrifice. I've been doing that for years. My motto is "it all works out in the end". I have not let my financial situation rule my decisions for years. Amazingly, this has worked out for me.

I am more than blessed to work for two people who say "yes" to almost anything I ask. I do my best not to take advantage of this but it makes asking for time off the least of my worries.

My concerns are usually more of a financial nature. I have lived on a shoestring budget most of my adult life. I have recreated that feeling within my current financial state and it is a comfort. I squeezed the numbers into my budgeting spreadsheet and had to forfeit saving up to pay next year's income taxes to make this work.

Forfeiting saving verses adding onto the amount I owe? This is a new and improved dilemma. I guess I can try to get used to it...

Invitations

I have frittered away a perfectly good Monday at home, going back in time. I have no idea what triggered my train of thought. But once I was on the track, there was no going back to the present.

For some reason, I started thinking of the potential for our high school to have a 40 year reunion this year. The one and only reunion I have attended was our 35th. It was uncomfortable and sort of icky for a while (until a glass of wine started to take hold), but the best part of that reunion was the junior high school friends I rediscovered as I perused the guest list for friends I hoped I would see.

None of those junior high friends attended the reunion but what happened instead, was a re-unioning of friendships from long ago as I discovered these people via whatever means I had at hand. Facebook messaging led to texting which eventually led to a brunch in one case. A Classmates.com connection resulted in a coffee date in another case. Private messaging conversations in a few others.

I had the idea that re-uniting these junior high school friends the night before any up and coming high school reunion would be a great idea. Each person I know from those days has kept in touch with a few more people from our school. If each friend invited their friends and so on and so forth, it could be an interesting gathering.

But I digress. There is no indication of a 40th reunion in sight. That could change (if I get an invitation in the mail any day soon, I will be convinced I am psychic) but for the moment, I simply thought "we don't need a reunion to keep in touch". So I sent out a few messages.

One friend asked me to pass along a "hello" to a mutual friend. That friend responded immediately with a reciprocating "hello" and a request to ask the first friend to send a "friend request". I felt like a matchmaker! I may have been the catalyst to reuniting some old friends.

This little mini-event made me feel like all things are possible. Maybe we can reunite some school friends after all.

And there went my morning.

My morning reignited a flame within me which has been snuffed out over the course of the past several years.

I have lost my spark, my energy, my drive, my hope and faith that all good things start with an invitation.

I lost the ability to simply say "yes" to life's invitations for a very long while. Recently, I rediscovered the ability to accept an invitation. With conditions, while maintaining boundaries and enabling myself to play it safe while starting to say "yes" to life.

More recently, I issued an invitation. People said "yes". The event came and went and the aftertaste of the day was a good one.

So I have reached out one more time.

It took time. It took courage. It took strength. But most importantly, hope and the faith that "whatever will be, will be" will come of this invitation.

It might work. It might not. There is something important in knowing I tried.

I am regaining not only courage and strength. I am starting to rekindle "faith" once again. I will not fret over what doesn't come to pass. I will celebrate the rebirth of my ability to invite people back into my life again.

Anything is possible, when you simply "ask". 

Happy Mother's Day, Mom

I bought some yellow roses to signify the day

I am not a flower lover so I gave most of them away.

I think of you more often than you could ever know

I feel you in my heart and soul everywhere I go.

I feel your presence deeply and often speak your name

You will never be forgotten, though life is not the same.

I'm letting go, I'm looking up, I'm letting life back in

And when I think of little things, I break out in a grin.

Last Mother's Day, you made your wishes known:

"Mother's Day at our half way spot,

I'll see you there at 10!"

"Add a smiley face" you said, I look back and remember

What a gift you have given us - each of us has the other.

We didn't take a picture of our last Mother's Day together

What we have is better.

Memories of all the times we gathered, just because we could

It was not a pressing matter or feeling like we should.

As you closed your eyes one last time and saw us all together

I trust you know our bond is tight and will endure all things

We will not be alone - we always have each other.

Mother's Day will always be "your day" to me

It will never be the same

Thank you for the years we had

The memories that we made.

I cherish what we had

I am grateful for what you gave us.

Your actions spoke louder than any words

You could have ever spoken.

You may be gone 

But I feel your love, your caring and compassion.

Happy Mother's Day, Mom

Wherever you may be.

You will never be forgotten 

I carry a piece of you within me.

Make Overs All Around!

My new and improved energy and zest for life levels made it easy to say "yes" to a completely last minute and unexpected invitation to enjoy an evening out with my cousin and her daughter last night.

It was an evening of laughter and enjoying my nephew's comedic talent. Now that I write this, it is starting to sound like a bit of a family reunion.

I had a bit of an obstructed view to the stage and when I couldn't watch my nephew, I enjoyed watching his audience just as much. What a gift this man has. The sheer enjoyment and laughter transformed plain and ordinary human beings into pure joy. The smiles and laughter were from the heart and all encompassing.

Earlier the same day, my cousin's daughter transformed her grandma with a facial and mini makeover before she did a little photo shoot of her. My aunt (her grandma) is a joyful being to begin with but her smart remarks and witty comebacks transformed her before the makeup even had a chance.

The pictures turned out amazing and the essence of my aunt were captured very nicely. The makeover was a nice little bonus but the true beauty came from my aunt's spirit and smile.

No makeover was required for my nephew's audience last night. Joy, laughter and smiles lit up the room. The audience seemed ageless and the years vanished as we all appreciated the talent which united us in laughter.

Truly, the only makeover anyone needs is a sense of joy which comes from within and transforms into a smile that lights up one's soul.

To my nephew, who lit up an entire audience ...

To my cousin's daughter, who has an amazing talent of capturing the true essence of her grandma ...

To my cousin, who invited me along as a result of an extra ticket to this event ...

I simply say "thank you". I felt like I was made over from the inside, out.

Life's Little Breakdowns

Now that my state of mind seems to have hit a nice and comfortable status quo, it seems the rest of me is falling apart. Yes, I am exaggerating. But it is the little things that seem to add up and pull us down, so I guess the small stuff is now sifting to the top.

I woke up yesterday morning with a "funny eye". I was certain that over the course of the day, a regular and routine amount of blinking would supply the amount of tears required to fix the dry, pulling sensation I was feeling.

Sure enough, living the day distracted me from the sensation but at the end of the day my eye was no better. No worse, but no better.

I went out for supper with my aunt and her sister. It was a delightful outing and a nice step out of the norm. I had taken a bite of and was chewing my hamburger when my tongue grazed over the back of my bottom, front tooth. The filling had fallen out. Again.

I continued to chew and when I hit something hard and crunchy, I simply thought "There goes my tooth..." and carried on. I would call my dentist in the morning.

I fell asleep before 8:30 last night. A combination of refusing to eat to keep myself awake, along with leading a rather full and productive life lately, added to this "funny eye" thing going on resulted in an exhaustion that made my feather pillow feel like a piece of heaven at the end of the day.

I woke up this morning with a teary eye and the "pulling" sensation remained. Of course my tooth didn't fix itself, so I picked my head up off my feathery soft pillow and started collecting phone numbers.

I doubt my eye is anything serious but after all my son has gone through with his eye infection, I thought "better safe than sorry". I have an appointment this morning.

I was hopeful my dentist could squeeze me in before I damaged my tooth any further (it feels rather frail and vulnerable, sitting there in my mouth at half its regular width). They were very accommodating and I will see them at noon.

While I was at it, I booked an appointment to get our furnace and ducts cleaned. Our furnace and air conditioning got a spring tune up a few days ago and all is well. A duct cleaning was highly recommended (air flow is EVERYTHING) and we should be all set for the next few seasons.

It's been a productive week. Tending to the furnace/air conditioning will be the start to some required house maintenance. Tending to my mind, eye and tooth will see to all of my immediate needs and I should be good to go.

As annoying as life's little breakdowns can feel at the time, I feel incredibly lucky. All of the above is small and fixable. Tending to small things nips (a lot of) the bigger things in the bud.

One small repair at a time, my body, mind, soul and even our home will be ship shape before I know it. I won't overwhelm myself by looking at the many flights of stairs ahead. I will focus on one step at a time.

Patience, grasshopper. Patience...